How do you calm your nerves?

There are two days left in my work week. Then I’m off for some surgery and recovery time. I’m nervous and anxious to get it all over and done with. I know it will go just fine – and that I’m likely worked up and worried over nothing… but I’m struggling to contain my anxieties and nervousness this week. I regret setting my week up to where I had to come into work for the first half, as my brain is definitely NOT on my work.

One of the things I had to do this weekend, in prep for my surgery, was to complete an advanced directive and update my will. Such an uncomfortable thing to think about and complete…. even if it IS the responsible thing to do.

The one thing I realized as I was thinking through things – was how small my circle of trust has truly become as I’ve aged. When I was younger – so many people had my trust – people who didn’t deserve it in many cases. Now – there are 2, maybe 3 people whom I trust. That’s it. It’s a strange feeling. I’m happy to know that I, at least, have those few amazing souls in my life. It made me wonder what people do who have no one. No family, no friends, no solid relationships they can trust. How do they know that their children will be cared for if they have no one to entrust them to?

I made my annual homemade kahlua this weekend. It has to steep now until christmas – better yet – new years. I’m excited to give them out as gifts. It’s interesting, I love giving gifts to others, and often put a lot of thought into it. I’ve never been a fan of giving gift cards – they seem so impersonal, and last minute. And the experience a person has while opening a gift card is almost too quick, and anti-climatic. I want to see a person light up when they open something from me. That’s always my goal. To have them feel as if they are cared about, and like the person giving the gift knows or understands them at a deeper level.

Is the day over yet? I’d really like to be done, to go home, snuggle with my pup and a soft blanket and just do what I can to let my anxieties settle down. What do you all do to settle yourself down when you’re nervous? Give me some of your favorite tips and tricks.

Much love to you all in Neverland today. Hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend.

A parent’s worst nightmare


I’m beyond exhausted.  So what started out on friday as a very frustrating and scary situation managed to amplify and get a million times worse and it’s affecting my ability to sleep and eat and be able to function at a somewhat normal capacity.

On Saturday, while at the ex’s, my daughter went and jumped off the side of the deep end of the self control pool.  She is now being admitted to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for adolescents.  I think now, more than ever, I want to get more involved with preventing teen suicide.  It absolutely floors you when you realize that the normal, happy, loving preteen you’ve raised has been wearing a happy mask and really, she needs help.

Until we could get her admitted to the treatment facility, she’s been under observation at the Emergency Room.  We had strict instructions to keep things positive.  No lectures, no tears etc.  THAT has been the most exhausting.  I’ve managed to ask her a few questions, get her to talk to me a little here and there, but overall, she’s acting as if nothing happened and that wanting to harm yourself is a perfectly normal thing.  That I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it is.  It is incredibly draining to keep things positive when you just want to shake your kid and make them see how dumb they’re being.  Not to mention, the actions your kid has taken have put themself, and others at risk!

It’s going to be a long road ahead.  I’ve got to work on being present and there for her in some new ways.  I’m trying to make arrangements to allow me to work from home more often.  Going to look into a few other programs to help her and give her things to keep her mind more occupied on healthy things rather than negative things.

Visits to the ex are to stop.   Well – ok maybe not STOP – but things will be altered dramatically, at least until we’re all confident that she’ll be safe.

It’s been hard this week to not blame myself.  And there is also a part of me that wonders if somehow she’s learned this stupid “happy mask” that she’s been wearing from me.  In fact, who am I kidding, I KNOW she learned it from me.  I’m the one who’s always so focused on being strong, staying happy.  I think somehow she misunderstood that to mean that you aren’t allowed to fall apart, or be sad, or break… and that’s not true either.  You have to be able to let that stuff out somewhere, or it will sit and fester and bubble until at some point – you burst.


Everyday she begs me to be allowed to come home.  And everyday I’ve had to tell her that she wanted our attention – now she has it.  She has to stay and complete the treatment.  That this is her most important priority that she could focus on right now.  She doesn’t get it.  She thinks it’s been fun to sit at the hospital for the last 5 days coloring, watching bad daytime tv and playing Wii with the nurses.  She doesn’t even seem to realize – “hey, mom’s been taking every day off to come and sit and cuddle and watch crappy daytime tv… maybe that’s not good for mom’s job security!” I don’t know what’s going to happen next… all I can do at this point is hope and pray and be there for her every single step of the way.

I’ve got to go run and take care of a few more things, all this time running back and forth between the hospital, I haven’t been able to do much of anything that I need to get done.  I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to be struggling with handling all of this… that i’m doing well at holding things together.  But it’s hard.  So I’m going to go finish up a load of laundry and at least get some dishes done before I have to trek back out to the hospital.  Talk soon.  Much love to you all Neverland.

lipstick kiss

Never fear! Anxiety is here!! Wait…


I’m nervous.  I’ve been fighting some strange tummy troubles in the past month and a half.  I’ve been in and out of the ER twice, seen my doctor twice, and was referred to 2 specialists.  The original plan was to go, in mid November, for a couple of procedures that would “give us the answers”.  Yesterday, my specialist called me and they felt it was necessary to get me in for an emergency appointment for both of the procedures.  So suddenly, I had to clear my calendar for friday and start the prep needed to do the procedures.  (Endoscopy and Colonoscopy… EW)

On one hand, I’m relieved.  The idea of getting answers to this month long miserable journey is fantastic!  It means that perhaps … relief from these symptoms is just around the corner.

On the other hand…

My doc sat me down in her office.  Laid out some of the possibilities they’re leaning towards.  They range from mid-level-scary to freak-me-out-scary.  Obviously, I’m hoping it’ll be something simple and easy.  I’ve been good at squashing the side of me that loves to stick her head in the sand.  I’ve been doing everything I’ve been told to do by the doctors.  I’m trying so hard to stick with it and not get discouraged or distracted.

What if they do these things tomorrow and still find no answers?  What if they find something scary?  What if I somehow screw up and they can’t even do the test?

Yesterday was Ben’s birthday.  A time of year when I’m a mess anyway.  When I got this phone call – it was first with a push to go back to the ER.  I cried and begged to not be made to go back there.  Not on that day.  The last place on the planet I wanted to be yesterday was at a hospital.  So instead, they squeezed me in to see my doc.  I had the anesthesiologist pre-op appointment.  I came home and tried to just stay calm.

Today – things erupted at work.  Stress is high.  There’s too much work to do, not enough people to do it and not nearly enough time.  It’s not ideal.  I managed as best as I could.  I’m hoping they remain understanding tomorrow when I’m unavailable.

I’m trying to remember that life doesn’t give you more than you can handle.  And that the perspective of exactly what we can handle will change.  I might not think I can handle it – but in 6 months when I look back, I’ll see how strong I am.

T said that to me yesterday.  How strong I am.  How I just keep moving and barrel through.  It struck me as a bit odd.  He sees that as such a feat of accomplishment.  I see it as an automatic.  What else are you going to do when facing a problem?  There’s only one solution – you tackle it.  How you tackle it might vary and change, but ultimately – you have to move forward or step back.  I suppose you could say I don’t typically enjoy states of limbo.  Is that a strange view to have these days?  Seems perfectly normal to me, although, to be honest, my normal meter has got to be at least a little bit broken.

Well – I better get off here and go get a few things done.  Much love to you.  Goodnight Neverland!

lipstick kiss