I’ve been thinking about those little problem areas.  Those little things or areas of ourselves that we don’t like or are insecure about.  For me, there are a few.  I look in the mirror and have trouble just seeing me, because it’s so easy to get lost finding all of the flaws.  But what are those flaws?

My tummy, for example.  I see it as this flabby THING that I carry around with me.  Sometimes, it gets in my way.  I’ll compare it to other people’s tummy’s and start to beat myself up about not being more consistent or dedicated in my work outs or in my diet.  But truthfully – comparing my stomach to someone else’s isn’t a fair comparison.  I don’t know the journey that person has taken, and I’m completely negating my own.  I have grown 3 children in my belly.  It has produced 3 little miracles.  The last pregnancy was so different from the first two, that rather than lose weight, I gained.  Even my doctor’s say it’s unlikely that I’ll get my stomach to ever be flat without some surgical help.  And I refuse to do that – not passing judgement on those who do, but to me, it feels like cheating.  Truthfully – I earned the belly. And instead of cherishing it for the journey that we’ve been through together on, I punish myself over it.  Truly, it’s a messed up way of looking at myself.  And these patterns started when I was young and have been added to over the years by society, relationships, my family, friends, coworkers, etc.

I think it’s easier to ignore the flaws in someone when you know their story intimately.  When you’ve walked with them.  My ex husband never really saw the flaws as I see them.  He looked at stretchmarks as a reminder of the beautiful children he now has.  But when you divorce, and re-enter the world of dating – things get a bit scary.  How do you know if a new person you’re seeing will react to you flaws in an understanding way?

Now, in the best of circumstances, I would hope that a new person would accept you – flaws and all.  But truthfully – that’s not as easy to accomplish in practice, because if those flaws are front and center in the beginning, it might not be easy for them to look past.  And because they didn’t walk the journey with you – they may not understand the stories behind why you have stretch marks, or why your hair got a bit thinner thanks to some crazy hormonal pregnancy woes.  They may not even know or understand that those flaws are a trigger for an emotional turmoil of self doubt.

I realize that ultimately, these insecurities are mine, and only mine to really solve and deal with.  It is not up to anyone but me to know how to work through them and not allow them to be triggered.  That if someone accidentally triggers one, that it’s ok.  It’s certainly not their fault.  It’s on me to work though.  But these are the thoughts I’ve been wondering about today.

I know that for me, when I meet new people, I try to learn who they are – at their core.  That if I can get a look at what’s behind all the masks that we wear – and understand a person’s story – then, and only then, will I be able to really know them and understand them.  Only then, could you truly begin to love.  Anything else is shallow.  Anything else is just surface level bullshit that ultimately wastes a lot of time.  Life is too short to hide who we really are from everyone.  I refuse to do that – but I also refuse to show who I am to EVERYONE – because truthfully, not everyone cares.  Not everyone even wants to see me for who I really am.  Maybe – this approach will help me in the future.  Maybe this approach will allow me to feel comfortable letting in those coveted few people.  🙂

And maybe, just maybe… that’s enough.

Thanks for letting me ramble today Neverland.  Much love to you all.