Tag: masks

Who am I?

JenLeave a comment

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I wear many masks, play many roles.  All of them are bits and pieces of who I am, and yet none of them make the entirety of what is me.  Who am I really?  Even if I were to ask the top 20 people who know me well… their answers, while some would be similar – some would have emphasis on different areas.  Makes sense – the role I play with each person in my life differs greatly.  So then… who am I?

I could look at the snippets of writing, the creative works I’ve drawn and painted over the years, the music I’ve played and the poetry I’ve written… maybe it is in those things that who I am is clearly reflected?  Hmm.  Nope.  My creative outlets serve as a way for me to channel emotion or a feeling, a fleeting moment that I want to capture; which means they in no way emcompass all of who I am.  So again… who am I?

Is it the voice in my head?  The one that also shows up in dreams and meditation.  Maybe THAT voice… encompasses who I am.  Funny.  The one thing – that clearly reflects and articulates “Me” is the one thing that only I will ever hear or see.  Maybe what it really means – is that Me… the core and essence of who I am – is really only for me to know.

What’s interesting about that concept – is that I actually like the voice in my head. She’s usually pretty empathetic, wise, and funny.  Maybe pixar’s take on the inner voice in the movie Inside Out, wasn’t far off?

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It’s taken me years to learn this.. and even now, sometimes I get a little shaky on it.  But I’m so much better than I used to be.  So much more confident and sure of myself and the choices that I make.  It’s nice to like yourself.  It’s nice to have a clear idea of who I am.  I no longer have to wonder.  Now – I just try and show it to the world.  Because once you find yourself… you want to show it for all to see! 🙂

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It’s not a flaw… it’s a badge of honor.

JenLeave a comment

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I’ve been thinking about those little problem areas.  Those little things or areas of ourselves that we don’t like or are insecure about.  For me, there are a few.  I look in the mirror and have trouble just seeing me, because it’s so easy to get lost finding all of the flaws.  But what are those flaws?

My tummy, for example.  I see it as this flabby THING that I carry around with me.  Sometimes, it gets in my way.  I’ll compare it to other people’s tummy’s and start to beat myself up about not being more consistent or dedicated in my work outs or in my diet.  But truthfully – comparing my stomach to someone else’s isn’t a fair comparison.  I don’t know the journey that person has taken, and I’m completely negating my own.  I have grown 3 children in my belly.  It has produced 3 little miracles.  The last pregnancy was so different from the first two, that rather than lose weight, I gained.  Even my doctor’s say it’s unlikely that I’ll get my stomach to ever be flat without some surgical help.  And I refuse to do that – not passing judgement on those who do, but to me, it feels like cheating.  Truthfully – I earned the belly. And instead of cherishing it for the journey that we’ve been through together on, I punish myself over it.  Truly, it’s a messed up way of looking at myself.  And these patterns started when I was young and have been added to over the years by society, relationships, my family, friends, coworkers, etc.

I think it’s easier to ignore the flaws in someone when you know their story intimately.  When you’ve walked with them.  My ex husband never really saw the flaws as I see them.  He looked at stretchmarks as a reminder of the beautiful children he now has.  But when you divorce, and re-enter the world of dating – things get a bit scary.  How do you know if a new person you’re seeing will react to you flaws in an understanding way?

Now, in the best of circumstances, I would hope that a new person would accept you – flaws and all.  But truthfully – that’s not as easy to accomplish in practice, because if those flaws are front and center in the beginning, it might not be easy for them to look past.  And because they didn’t walk the journey with you – they may not understand the stories behind why you have stretch marks, or why your hair got a bit thinner thanks to some crazy hormonal pregnancy woes.  They may not even know or understand that those flaws are a trigger for an emotional turmoil of self doubt.

I realize that ultimately, these insecurities are mine, and only mine to really solve and deal with.  It is not up to anyone but me to know how to work through them and not allow them to be triggered.  That if someone accidentally triggers one, that it’s ok.  It’s certainly not their fault.  It’s on me to work though.  But these are the thoughts I’ve been wondering about today.

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I know that for me, when I meet new people, I try to learn who they are – at their core.  That if I can get a look at what’s behind all the masks that we wear – and understand a person’s story – then, and only then, will I be able to really know them and understand them.  Only then, could you truly begin to love.  Anything else is shallow.  Anything else is just surface level bullshit that ultimately wastes a lot of time.  Life is too short to hide who we really are from everyone.  I refuse to do that – but I also refuse to show who I am to EVERYONE – because truthfully, not everyone cares.  Not everyone even wants to see me for who I really am.  Maybe – this approach will help me in the future.  Maybe this approach will allow me to feel comfortable letting in those coveted few people.  🙂

And maybe, just maybe… that’s enough.

Thanks for letting me ramble today Neverland.  Much love to you all.

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Life is good

Jen4 Comments

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My birthday is in 3 days.  I’ll be 32.  Sometimes I still feel like a little girl – overwhelmed and inspired by everything I see.. And other times, the wise old soul in me comes out and I feel like I’ve been around on this planet a hell of a lot longer than just 32 years.  I’ve been through a lot.  I’ve seen the deepest darkest depths of hell and I’ve experienced flying on some of the most amazing and joyous heights.  I’m definitely on a high point these days.  Sure, I may have a grumpy moment here or there.  A moment when stress bubbles up and I just need a hug, but overall, I’m doing DAMN well.

Yesterday I spoke with my grandparents on the phone for a bit.  What struck me about it is that about half way through the call, I think my grandfather had an epiphany.  I think it dawned on him how cool his granddaughter is.  We were talking about music and books and movies.  I was telling him how you can learn a lot about a person by the books they have on their shelf, or the movies they collect or the music they listen to.  I mentioned how people at work will often giggle at my strange playlists that range from Beethoven to Ella Fitzgerald to Nirvana to Eminem and everything else in between.  He was telling me how I need to focus on building up a resource library so that anytime I need knowledge on a subject, that I can find something on my shelf.  I explained to him that I can skip the huge library and just rely on the internet to help me research.  He laughed and admitted to being a bit behind the times on that one.  It was a lovely chat.  He then put Nana on the phone.  She’s one of the few people in my life who can get me to spill anything and everything without even trying.  I ended up jabbering on about everything .. birthday plans, my upcoming getaway plans, the job, the kids, the bro, and … wait for it..the guy I’ve been seeing.  My mom would probably intake her breath in horror.  I can just hear her say.. “But Jenny!  They’re old fashioned, they don’t need to hear about your love life.”  Why the hell NOT?!  It’s not like I’m sharing EVERY detail.  I simply mentioned that I was planning a trip to get away, she asked if I was going with the kids and I said I was taking a special friend.  She knew the minute I said “friend” that it wasn’t a friend and giggled and said she was happy to hear that I hadn’t embraced monkhood.

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I gave her no details, other than his name… and simply said how I am happy in life right now.  And I could hear it… her sigh of relief.  I’m betting my family has seen how unhappy I was for a long time but never said anything.  I’m sure they thought – well – at least she has her kids and her career.  She may not have found love, but at least she can care for everyone she takes care of.  I’ve had a TON of people comment to me in the last 4 months or so at how happy I have become.  How it’s infectious and they just want to hang out all the time because it spreads to them too.  Yay!! 🙂  And here’s my confession to you my dearest readers… It’s a genuine, completely content, don’t know how I ended up here, wasn’t planned and was a total surprise, cheesy, giddy type of happiness.

I’m super stoked for my birthday plans.  Even tho, so far at this point, not everyone has RSVP’d.  Who knows – I could end up with just a handful showing – I invited a total of 30 people.  But I don’t care.  I know that the people who do show up will be the ones that I’ll have a blast with and that’s really all that matters.

I’m also planning a “weekend” getaway for mid April.  I’m stoked.  I need it.  A chance to get away to a place where there is no signal.  No TV.  No pressures.  I can sleep in.  The kids aren’t coming.  I can get up at the crack of dawn and go for a walk on the beach if I want.  I can build a bonfire and roast marshmallows.  Find a pretty shell or a tide pool with treasures in it.  The place even has a great looking spa.  Get a massage and soak in a hot tub.  BLISS!  I’m taking Monday-Wednesday off in order to go and do this…. and as much as I am LOVING my job right now, I feel like knowing this is officially reserved and booked is what is keeping me from losing my sanity hehe.

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Looks like there’s a big chance I’m going to be visiting Washington DC in June/July this year.  We have a big convention for partners at that time, and I’ve pitched that if they want to do some heavy research, that’s probably the best place to do it.  Should be fun.  I haven’t seen much of the east coast.  I won’t know for sure on the timing of all of that for another week or so, but I’m fairly positive they won’t decline my request to attend.  What I need to look into now is whether I can have someone come with me.  I did so much travel alone last year, I’m kind of over it.

So … let’s see what else is going on with me.

Fleetwood Mac is going back on tour.  I’m trying to convince the parents to go with me to their show in November.  They were one of my favorite bands growing up as a kid.  Who am I kidding – I have so many “favorite bands”.. I think I need a new phrase.  The last concert I went to with my parents was Super Tramp back in the 90’s.  Good concert… first time I ever witnessed people smoking pot.  I remember leaning over to my mom commenting on the old men who were smoking pot.  She laughed at me when I said “But mom – they’re OLD!”  Ahh youth.

Well – I better get on with my day.  Happy Wednesday!! 🙂 Love to all of you!