What I am afraid of, as a mom


Forgive me,  I’m typing this on my phone.

Today, I had a thought at my counselor appointment that I cannot shake.  There really is only a few real fears a parent has.  There are lots of little stresses… But legitimate fears?  Health issues or injuries and of course death are at the top of the list.

For me tho, I fear my children not knowing how much I love them, how much I would give for them.  I fear them having abandonment issues like I do. I fear they’ll turn out like me. Hell… They already are.

My son is struggling with sleep right now. Scared of the dark,  scared of his room,  scared of bears.  He’s been waking up the house every hour or so.  It’s not like him.  He’s been my shadow and I’m doing all I can to allow it. He obviously needs it, but it’s exhausting.

Am I a bad mom? Am I not there enough for them? I work and share custody.  When I ran my business,  I was able to be home for my daughter as a toddler.  But my son?  Is he missing valuable bonding time? Ugh. What if I totally screw them up?  I play with them, laugh, dance, sing.  I’m terrible with discipline tho. I’m the good cop, not the bad cop.  I do the snuggles and help things calm down.  Thankfully,  most of the time,  things work ok. I’m patient.  But is it good enough?  Am I giving them what they deserve?

I don’t feel so hot. May be coming down with something.  Just been a bit light headed tonight.  I’m flat out exhausted and totally feeling like a failure as a parent.  Maybe it’s the lack of sleep…  Goodnight Neverland.

Much love.

2 thoughts on “What I am afraid of, as a mom

  1. I am going to give you a bit of advice Jen, the same bit of advice someone told my husband when he found out he was going to be a daddy. If you are scared, it’s a good thing. Not being scared means you don’t care. Your son won’t be upset that you work, there are plenty of working parents out there, even as single parents or divorcees and it’s not the amount of time you spend with your kid, but the quality of the time. Get him a spray bottle with water and glitter or something similar to “spray off” bears. It’s a “magic bear spray” and if he needs a closet light on, so be it. Trust me, it gets easier with time, esp if you two are recently divorced and keep your head up. Take him to the park next time you have a day off with him, or play dress-up at the house, let him be the hero who saves the princess. I promise, with the time becoming quality time, it will get easier.

  2. Thank you for your comment. My apologies on not responding sooner. I like the glitter spray bottle. Not a bad idea at all. 🙂

    We have superhero playtime all the time, might have to incorporate some bear karate prowess into the game somehow as well hehe.

    Thanks again!

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