Forgive me, I’m typing this on my phone.
Today, I had a thought at my counselor appointment that I cannot shake. There really is only a few real fears a parent has. There are lots of little stresses… But legitimate fears? Health issues or injuries and of course death are at the top of the list.
For me tho, I fear my children not knowing how much I love them, how much I would give for them. I fear them having abandonment issues like I do. I fear they’ll turn out like me. Hell… They already are.
My son is struggling with sleep right now. Scared of the dark, scared of his room, scared of bears. He’s been waking up the house every hour or so. It’s not like him. He’s been my shadow and I’m doing all I can to allow it. He obviously needs it, but it’s exhausting.
Am I a bad mom? Am I not there enough for them? I work and share custody. When I ran my business, I was able to be home for my daughter as a toddler. But my son? Is he missing valuable bonding time? Ugh. What if I totally screw them up? I play with them, laugh, dance, sing. I’m terrible with discipline tho. I’m the good cop, not the bad cop. I do the snuggles and help things calm down. Thankfully, most of the time, things work ok. I’m patient. But is it good enough? Am I giving them what they deserve?
I don’t feel so hot. May be coming down with something. Just been a bit light headed tonight. I’m flat out exhausted and totally feeling like a failure as a parent. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep… Goodnight Neverland.