Wants, desires, wishes and dreams…

There are a few things that have been on my mind lately.  And rather than sit and stew over it, I figured I’d write it here and get it out of my head.  At least for a while.

Lately, I find myself dreaming about buying a house.  Not just a house.. but a home.

In 4 months, I’m supposed to move in with T.  I’m excited to live with him.  I think it’ll be amazing to live with my best friend (not saying we won’t have an adjustment period, as I’m sure we will).  What I find that I’m not looking forward to… is moving in with him.  It’s his house.  He owns it.  It’s full of his stuff and his juju from his past and the folks who’ve lived there.  I’ve never moved in with someone before, they’ve always moved in with me and I find it strange to be suddenly on the flip side.  You see, I have a house of my own.  (It’s a rental) but it’s a big enough house that fits all the stuff that my children and I have acquired over the years.  Where the hell am I going to put it all?  How do you go about making a home for yourself and your kids when you don’t feel like the place is yours?  I’m struggling with this.  My friends (and a few of his) have suggested we look for a new place that would be ours.  I’d be totally down for that, but my impression is that T loves his home and isn’t ready to part with it just yet.  And while I do understand that and support him in whatever he wants to do with his home, I’m also struggling with how to make this move comfortable for me and the kids.  Having my house feel like a home used to be VERY important to me.  It was an obsession at one point in my life.  In the last few years, it’s become less of a priority, but lately, the desire to make my home a haven has been returning.  To make my home be a place where I want to be, where others want to be.  Where I can cook and entertain and re-charge and re-energize myself from the pressures I face on a daily basis.  Where I feel comfortable raising my children and really laying down some permanent roots.  Wow – it’s been a while since I’ve even desired that.  I’m happy to see that wish and desire return, but I don’t see it happening in his home.  How do you go about effectively explaining something like that to someone without hurting their feelings or offending them?  As that would be the very last thing I’d want to do.

Sigh … how to not be one of THOSE girls… you know the ones… the ones that come into someone else’s home and take over, redecorate and suddenly it’s not his house anymore.  I just find that rude.  🙂