I am enough, all on my own

Most of my life, I have been striving to “be enough”.  Whether it be to measure up to the expectations my parents or grandparents had of me, measuring up with friends in school, pushing myself to “be enough” for my career, my kids, and of course, with my significant others.

But here’s the thing… very rarely, did I ever feel like I actually accomplished that goal.  Very rarely in my past relationships, did I feel like I came first, or was a top priority.  With the ex, alcohol always ranked higher than I did.  And truthfully, I can take some of the blame for this one… because I allowed it.

Far too often in my life, I have allowed myself to be too nice.  To be a doormat for others needs or feelings.  I have put myself in that position time after time.  Today, it dawned on me that moving forward, I cannot allow myself to accept that any more.  I don’t want to be someone’s back up.  I don’t want to be a second choice.  I’m worth more than that and I deserve more than that and it’s about time I start remembering that.  I have such high expectations for myself, and yet often, I won’t hold those same expectations of others.

Well no more.  If I look at what I ask from significant others, it’s NOT like I’m asking for too much.  I don’t need someone to support me financially.  I’m not the clingy, overly emotional type.  I actually typically don’t fall into many of those stereotypical negative girl traits.  And I’m glad.  Because I’m me.  And damn it, that’s enough.

As far as updates go – I’m mostly packed.  I think total we’re at about 90% of the way packed up and ready to go.  I’ve got to stop at the bank on the way home to get the cashier’s check for the down payment, because in the morning, I go and pay the money and sign the paperwork.  The movers will be at the old house on Friday morning.  I took the day off and I’m very happy for it.

This weekend I bought a couch, 2 chairs and a coffee table for the new place.  I also paid off the remaining balance on my new fridge and set up delivery.  Comcast will be set up and installed on Friday morning as well.  I can’t believe it, it’s all finally happening!  It feels amazing.  I’ve never been more proud of myself.  Life is really only just beginning to get good… and if I have anything to say about it, it’s only going to keep getting better.  I have the drive, the determination and the ability to go after my goals and dreams.  Everything I’ve ever wanted, is right in front of me.  🙂  I just have to have the courage to reach out and take it.

Here I go… wish me luck.  🙂

lipstick kiss

Just keep swimming…

just-keep-swimming

It’s been a good day.  My work day is almost over.  The work week is almost over.  I have some new plans for the weekend that have me looking forward to it getting here.  My step son isn’t going to be coming over this weekend.  Instead, it will be me, my daughter and my son, heading to my dads.  I think all 3 of us need a break from where we’re at.  My daughter especially, as she’s had a hard week.  I don’t know what to do to help her, other than what I’m doing.  I just hope it’s enough.

She’s been spiraling into what I’d call – a form of depression.  From the outside tho, she puts on a good show.  Her school counselor called me on monday to fill me in on a few things.  It led to her spending all day tuesday at home with me, and sleeping with me the last few nights, which I truly don’t mind.  That little girl means the world to me, and I’d give anything to help make her happy.  I know that moving, and finally settling in and putting down some roots will help her tremendously.

I’m hoping to hear from my lender tomorrow, to give me the new date the house will close.  We’ll get the keys on that day, and depending on what day it ends up being, I will do everything I possibly can to get us out and into our new place on or pretty damn close to that day.

At home, I’m beyond fed up.  I’m beyond worrying or caring that I’ll say something wrong.  I’m tired of walking on eggshells.  Even when I do everything right, It still gets assumed that I’m a horrible person.  And truthfully, I know damn well that I’m not.  I’m a good person.  I care a lot about people.   I give a lot to other people. And somehow, a couple of people, who used to be very close to me, have recently forgotten that.

I think I’ve hit a new place that I’m not entirely sure I’ve been before.  In my past, I’d be trying to salvage these friendships.  Trying to fix things to make things more cordial.  Lately, like Rhett Butler… I just don’t give a damn.

200_s

At one point, one of the roomies pointed out what I could do to “fix” our friendship.  Stating that if I did X, Y and Z, that maybe we could still be friends.  If they were simple little things, it would be no big deal, but basically, she asked me to change who I am at my core.  Sorry.  I refuse to do that.  Love me for who I am.. or don’t love me at all.  What I didn’t point out was that at this point, maybe I don’t even WANT to be friends.  Maybe I’m not the one who “lost out”… perhaps it’s actually her loss and not mine.  Perhaps I’ve seen enough of her true colors in the last few months, that I’ve had my fill.  Perhaps the second she asked me to change who I am… was the second that I realized I was done.

I’ve only got a couple of weeks left… I keep telling myself that over and over again.  I can do this.  I can keep coming home to this horrible awkward place full of frustration and silence, if it’s only for a couple of weeks.  I can endure this.  My children can endure this.  As much as I wish they didn’t have to.  And there is so much light at the end of this dank, dark tunnel that it’s overwhelming and inspiring and beautiful.  That’s enough.  Right? 🙂

light-at-end-of-tunnel

What a week…

I’m blogging from my phone tonight, so please excuse me if I miss editing out any typos.

It has been one hell of a week, full of many highs and lows.

The lows:
1. I had a lot of stress at the beginning of the week worrying about a potential bout of layoffs at work. It would have thrown a huge monkey wrench into the whole house thing I have in the works.

2. A massive argument with one of my closest girlfriends. All friendships experience tiffs and arguments… but I’m not so sure that we’ll recover from this one.

3. It’s become apparent to me that the puppy needs a bit more intensive style training. I’m looking into a program that is a 5 week board and train. It’s expensive, but I don’t know what else will work.

The highs:
1. I’m safe at work.
2. Anything house related.
3. A friend was there for me this week, when I really needed it the most. I appreciate the hugs and pep talks, helping me brainstorm alternative solutions and just generally taking me out of my head. I cannot truly express my gratitude. I don’t think he knows how awesome he is.

After this weekend, I get to start packing. Can’t wait!! 47 days. Yes I have a count down until I get the keys lol!

Well, neverland, I’m exhausted. Grateful tomorrow is Friday! Much love to you all!!

Go Away

selfdoubt

Why can’t my own stupid self doubt just go away?  I mean, seriously?!  You rear your stupid ugly head when I least expect it.. when it’s the last thing on the planet I want.

I’m always so worried about what other people want, what will make them happy or content.  But so often, I find myself wondering if that’s just dumb?  If something is wrong, or if someone is upset about something, perhaps what I really need to do is wait and trust that when they’re ready – they’ll come talk to me.  Rather than bugging them to tell me.  Perhaps the right path is really to just continue to enjoy the blissful happiness that my home life has become.  And truly, it really has become just that.  Perhaps the reason I don’t do that, or at least haven’t been able to is because somewhere in my twisted brain, I think that if I allow myself to just embrace my own happiness, that I’ll be blind sided and not see something horrible if/when it comes along.  But living in doubt, or fear of a “what if” is just plain silly.  Not to mention, living in that fear and doubt prevents me from truly experiencing that over the top happiness that I so desperately seek.

My family got a dog today.  He’s so cute.  He’s an older dog.  We adopted him from a local shelter.  I think he’s going to make an excellent member of the family.  And that has me so overjoyed.

The house is coming together beautifully.  I put up some pictures today that really made me smile.  I have so much planned out for the next few weeks that I’m off.  More art going on the walls, going to tackle a bunch of gardening, even attempt to refinish some furniture.  It’s going to be epic!  🙂  And it’s so nice to have a break from work.  To not have to do anything for the job that I don’t want to do.

Tomorrow, I’ve got a few fairly major things to take care of.  One in particular, I’m pretty dang nervous about.  My only hope is that it turns out the way I need it to.  That’s just how it has to be.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk soon.

I find myself dreaming…

Wants, desires, wishes and dreams…

There are a few things that have been on my mind lately.  And rather than sit and stew over it, I figured I’d write it here and get it out of my head.  At least for a while.

Lately, I find myself dreaming about buying a house.  Not just a house.. but a home.

A-home-is-made-ofhopes-and-dreams

In 4 months, I’m supposed to move in with T.  I’m excited to live with him.  I think it’ll be amazing to live with my best friend (not saying we won’t have an adjustment period, as I’m sure we will).  What I find that I’m not looking forward to… is moving in with him.  It’s his house.  He owns it.  It’s full of his stuff and his juju from his past and the folks who’ve lived there.  I’ve never moved in with someone before, they’ve always moved in with me and I find it strange to be suddenly on the flip side.  You see, I have a house of my own.  (It’s a rental) but it’s a big enough house that fits all the stuff that my children and I have acquired over the years.  Where the hell am I going to put it all?  How do you go about making a home for yourself and your kids when you don’t feel like the place is yours?  I’m struggling with this.  My friends (and a few of his) have suggested we look for a new place that would be ours.  I’d be totally down for that, but my impression is that T loves his home and isn’t ready to part with it just yet.  And while I do understand that and support him in whatever he wants to do with his home, I’m also struggling with how to make this move comfortable for me and the kids.  Having my house feel like a home used to be VERY important to me.  It was an obsession at one point in my life.  In the last few years, it’s become less of a priority, but lately, the desire to make my home a haven has been returning.  To make my home be a place where I want to be, where others want to be.  Where I can cook and entertain and re-charge and re-energize myself from the pressures I face on a daily basis.  Where I feel comfortable raising my children and really laying down some permanent roots.  Wow – it’s been a while since I’ve even desired that.  I’m happy to see that wish and desire return, but I don’t see it happening in his home.  How do you go about effectively explaining something like that to someone without hurting their feelings or offending them?  As that would be the very last thing I’d want to do.

Sigh … how to not be one of THOSE girls… you know the ones… the ones that come into someone else’s home and take over, redecorate and suddenly it’s not his house anymore.  I just find that rude.  🙂