It feels good to be home

hearthome

The house is really starting to come together.  The living room is mostly unpacked, same with the kitchen and the dining room.  My bedroom is coming along nicely, as is my daughter’s.  And this weekend, I will make my son’s room awesome while he’s at his dad’s.

A few friends who’ve been over have commented on how it feels like a home.  A place where they just want to come and hang and stay.  That is precisely what I was going for.  Something modern and clean and yet comfortable and inviting.  Where the fridge always has a favorite beverage and there’s always a tasty snack in the kitchen.  Where music is playing through the house or a good movie playing where you can curl up and watch it.

I’ve always wanted my home to be filled with love and laughter and experiences.

laughter

And for the first time, in a very, very long time, I can see that shaping right in front of me.  It’s lovely.  I look forward to coming home everyday.  Maybe it’s the drastic contrast to the last few months with the roomies, but this is pure bliss.  I’ve got a lot of ideas of things I want to do, areas I want to set up… all in good time of course, as those kinds of projects take money to pull off.  But still – the vision is there.

I have a private balcony off my bedroom.  It’s completely private – the only access coming from my room.  I can’t wait to fill it with flowers this summer and sit and watch the sunset on it.  I can’t wait to sip coffee on it in the wee hours of the morning on the days I work from home.

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I bought concert tickets for a concert in September.  My daughter and I are both quite excited for it.  It’s been about a year, maybe even 2 since I’ve been to a concert.  My last one was The Fray.  It was a good concert, although I hadn’t listened to their new CD enough to really enjoy it, as they mostly played songs from it.

My birthday is coming up.  2 years ago, I tried planning a bash.  It sorta backfired on me and was a total flop.  🙂  Last year, I had to think about it.. I think if I remember correctly, I got tickets to go see a comic perform.  But I think the show happened later… which would explain why I don’t remember really doing much of anything last year.  I don’t know – my birthdays just aren’t really a big deal to me.  I love to make a fuss over other people’s birthday… but I feel odd doing that over my own.

I know my family will ask me what I want for my birthday this year, and at least I’ll have a good answer for once.  Stuff for the house.  🙂  Sure, it’s a bit of a cop out answer, but it works!

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Tomorrow night, I’m getting to visit with one of my favorite girlfriends.   We call it “book club” but it’s really just us going out for a glass of wine and getting to have some good quality girl chat. 🙂  I adore them, as much as I adore her.  Now that I’ve moved, I’m further from her than I was before, and before was already quite a long drive even to make the half way point.  But it’s worth it.  🙂  Sometimes, you just need a good laugh with a good girlfriend.

Today I had my final interview for a position with a new company.  Total, I’ve done close to 15 hours of interviews just for this position, but I’m excited, because I think I nailed it.  And this particular opportunity is one that I really want and would be very good at… not to mention, it would be an absolute BLAST.  The only downside to it, would be the commute, as it’s in downtown Seattle.  But I’d figure something out to make that tolerable as well.

I’m quite content right now, with the trajectory things are heading in my life.  I may not have it all figured out, heck, it’s all ever-changing.  But I feel good about it all.  I feel strong, confident, and happy.  Such a good thing.

Much love to you all, Goodnight Neverland!

lipstick kiss

Some nighttime rambles…

The more I unpack and work to turn this house into a home, the more often I have these lovely little moments; when I’ll walk into a room and in a certain spot, a particular view across the house leaves me feeling a sense of warmth, safety and security that I’ve never had before.

The last week I’ve had off has given me the time to really put in some effort on things around the house.  I’ve planted plants and have been working on the back patio area and the front lawn.  I want to build a privacy fence so that I can have a garden out there that we can sit and enjoy and not feel like everyone is watching.  I can imagine trees and plants and flowers, maybe a little park bench;  a little secret haven, a sanctuary away from the daily grind.

I’ve spent the last two days working on a new project.  Refinishing the master’s bathroom vanity.  It turned out so great that I was inspired to keep going!  I’m going to do the same treatment in the house’s main bathroom.  And today, when I’d finished the vanity, I kept going and refinished a beautiful piece in the front entry way.

I’d never guessed that I’d like refinishing furniture.  Who knew?!  I can see a fairly serious hobby forming.  🙂  It’s fantastic.

I’ve had my brother staying for the last day or so.  He’s helping with some of the heavy lifting I need done.  I need to have a serious talk with him tomorrow, and honestly, I’m nervous for it.  Really nervous.  I love that stupid punk ass kid.  But he needs a fricken knock in the head.  He even comments about how he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.  How he needs to figure it out.  We talked a bunch about it, but then I see what he does all day.  He’s never going to pull himself out of this rut that he’s in unless he actually is willing to change his habits, change his behaviors.  He gets upset because my Dad is always angry with him.  I can’t really say that I blame him.  My brother has no awareness of how what he does affects other people.  He’s quite innocent in that way.

The dog situation… sigh.  That whole thing has just thrown me for a major loop.

I wanted that dog, so badly.  He was an amazing animal.  But with my son being the rambunctious 4 year old that he is… I’m sad.  Heck, I’m more than sad.  I wanted a new pet.  I’ve wanted a new pet for about a year now.  I like that type of companionship that you get with a pet.  And now, it kind of feels like the whole thing is off, dogs, cats.. doesn’t matter.  When, originally, the plan was June.  I’m bummed.

Well – it’s time for sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.

Go Away

selfdoubt

Why can’t my own stupid self doubt just go away?  I mean, seriously?!  You rear your stupid ugly head when I least expect it.. when it’s the last thing on the planet I want.

I’m always so worried about what other people want, what will make them happy or content.  But so often, I find myself wondering if that’s just dumb?  If something is wrong, or if someone is upset about something, perhaps what I really need to do is wait and trust that when they’re ready – they’ll come talk to me.  Rather than bugging them to tell me.  Perhaps the right path is really to just continue to enjoy the blissful happiness that my home life has become.  And truly, it really has become just that.  Perhaps the reason I don’t do that, or at least haven’t been able to is because somewhere in my twisted brain, I think that if I allow myself to just embrace my own happiness, that I’ll be blind sided and not see something horrible if/when it comes along.  But living in doubt, or fear of a “what if” is just plain silly.  Not to mention, living in that fear and doubt prevents me from truly experiencing that over the top happiness that I so desperately seek.

My family got a dog today.  He’s so cute.  He’s an older dog.  We adopted him from a local shelter.  I think he’s going to make an excellent member of the family.  And that has me so overjoyed.

The house is coming together beautifully.  I put up some pictures today that really made me smile.  I have so much planned out for the next few weeks that I’m off.  More art going on the walls, going to tackle a bunch of gardening, even attempt to refinish some furniture.  It’s going to be epic!  🙂  And it’s so nice to have a break from work.  To not have to do anything for the job that I don’t want to do.

Tomorrow, I’ve got a few fairly major things to take care of.  One in particular, I’m pretty dang nervous about.  My only hope is that it turns out the way I need it to.  That’s just how it has to be.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk soon.

I find myself dreaming…

Wants, desires, wishes and dreams…

There are a few things that have been on my mind lately.  And rather than sit and stew over it, I figured I’d write it here and get it out of my head.  At least for a while.

Lately, I find myself dreaming about buying a house.  Not just a house.. but a home.

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In 4 months, I’m supposed to move in with T.  I’m excited to live with him.  I think it’ll be amazing to live with my best friend (not saying we won’t have an adjustment period, as I’m sure we will).  What I find that I’m not looking forward to… is moving in with him.  It’s his house.  He owns it.  It’s full of his stuff and his juju from his past and the folks who’ve lived there.  I’ve never moved in with someone before, they’ve always moved in with me and I find it strange to be suddenly on the flip side.  You see, I have a house of my own.  (It’s a rental) but it’s a big enough house that fits all the stuff that my children and I have acquired over the years.  Where the hell am I going to put it all?  How do you go about making a home for yourself and your kids when you don’t feel like the place is yours?  I’m struggling with this.  My friends (and a few of his) have suggested we look for a new place that would be ours.  I’d be totally down for that, but my impression is that T loves his home and isn’t ready to part with it just yet.  And while I do understand that and support him in whatever he wants to do with his home, I’m also struggling with how to make this move comfortable for me and the kids.  Having my house feel like a home used to be VERY important to me.  It was an obsession at one point in my life.  In the last few years, it’s become less of a priority, but lately, the desire to make my home a haven has been returning.  To make my home be a place where I want to be, where others want to be.  Where I can cook and entertain and re-charge and re-energize myself from the pressures I face on a daily basis.  Where I feel comfortable raising my children and really laying down some permanent roots.  Wow – it’s been a while since I’ve even desired that.  I’m happy to see that wish and desire return, but I don’t see it happening in his home.  How do you go about effectively explaining something like that to someone without hurting their feelings or offending them?  As that would be the very last thing I’d want to do.

Sigh … how to not be one of THOSE girls… you know the ones… the ones that come into someone else’s home and take over, redecorate and suddenly it’s not his house anymore.  I just find that rude.  🙂

An update while recovering from pneumonia

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Please excuse my absence.  I managed to come down with what I thought was just a miserable cold.  It’s been rough, I won’t lie.  BUT… I’m on the mend and starting to feel like me again so I’ll focus on that.  🙂

I’ve had a few topics on my mind in the last few days.  Things I wanted to write about and every time I’d sit down to do so, I’d get distracted by an article or an email or text.  There is so much to catch up on from the last couple of weeks, so I’ll sum it up really fast.  Took my mini-me to her first comic convention.  It was a 4 hour drive out of state to get there and we stayed the entire weekend in a hotel.

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This was her birthday present from in June.  She had a blast and I’m thrilled that she got to experience it and found such enjoyment from it.  I found her an anime wig and did some big anime eye makeup on her.  She had many people stop her and ask to take a picture.  It was wonderful to see her light up that way.  I got commended on how cool of a mom I am, which of course made my day! 🙂

The mini-me all dressed up
The mini-me all dressed up

The bro started a new job.  Scrambled a bit to find daytime care for my little one, but got there in the end.  Because I’ve been sick, I missed work last week, and this week, I’ve been pretty much working from home.  Some of the other ladies who work for me have also been sick with colds and we had a “sick party” where they came in their comfy clothes and slippers, and we worked at my dining room table with snacks and Kleenex, delivery pizza and plenty of giggles.  It’s been lovely having them here.

I re-arranged some of the main areas of my house tonight.  From a mental side of things, I needed it.  Maybe it’s because I’m getting better after being so sick, maybe it’s because there’s lots of talk of the bro moving out, maybe it’s the thoughts I’ve had of where I’m going to put my xmas tree this year… but I’ve had my home on the brain a lot lately.  It’s decorations, the layouts of the room, how to get more efficient and organized and how to make it feel like home.  I haven’t had Nana and Granddad over yet.  I’m just not ready for them to see it in the state it’s in.  Don’t misunderstand, it’s not horribly messy or anything like that.  I still haven’t finished unpacking – and frankly – I actually don’t care so much.  There is still a box in my dining room to unpack, a box in my bedroom, there’s a box by the front door that I haven’t touched.  And a garage, half full of boxes of life.  It’s highlighted to me just how much “stuff” I had.  And I knew that.  In that big house we came from, a six bedroom house to fill, and a family inside of it, accrues a lot of material possessions and things.  These are the things that still half-fill my garage; random decorations, old year books and parts or pieces to old hobbies that had been put aside, extra frivolous kitchen appliances that rarely get used, in my case, there’s also an extra couch and dining room set.  I’ve promised myself that the things I don’t touch in a year – get tossed.  I hate clutter; and yet somehow, I’ve managed to gather quite a lot of it.

clutter

Between kids, moves, and breakups and divorce… the clutter seemed to creep in; and I didn’t really seem to care or notice.  I see it now.  Tonight, I spent a fair chunk of time going through some of the clutter.  It’s only scratching the surface, but the re-arranged rooms helped me stay motivated.  I think I needed that refreshment, because tonight, looking around at what I got done and having the ideas in my head on what I’m going to do to finish each room, it’s finally starting to feel like home.

George, my cat, is sprawled across my favorite chair, the room is flickering with candle light; the carpets are clean, the room is dusted, the kitchen is even clean… I really got a lot accomplished tonight after I finished work.  I KNOW I’m feeling better.  🙂  Last Wednesday, I felt more like I was on death’s door and could barely get out of bed.  And yea, I still sound like absolute crap when I cough.  Laying down at night isn’t as fun either, as I feel a bit like I’m drowning.  It’s kind of funny, I keep referring to myself as a squeaker toy because I take a breath and squeak like one.  What I’m finding “interesting” is that my dreams have increased while I’ve been sick.  I’ve had more nightmares in the last couple of days than I’ve had in a very long time and I’m unsure what’s triggered it.  Last night, I dreamt I was in a horrible motorcycle wreck. In my dream, I felt the pain of a car driving over the top of me, and when I woke, I could swear I still felt it.  It’s amazing what the mind does with a dream.  I then had a second dream that started out innocuously enough but ended with a blow to the heart emotionally that had me crying out in my sleep.  I hate dreams.  I find that if I go to bed with a clear head, that I have a better chance of not having any, but they still sneak up on me.  I wish I could find a better solution.

I’m tinkering with a couple of ideas for new innovation in my head right now and it’s wonderful.  I missed doing that kind of work, and with as busy as work has had me lately, I didn’t think I’d be able to sneak in the time to do more of it.  But I find that later in the night, before I fall asleep, I’ll get some really interesting ideas and jot them down.  Sometimes I’ll bounce them off T if he’s around, and sometimes I just journal them and keep them for later.  I have FAR too many notebooks with these kinds of things in them.  It would be interesting to somehow collect it all in a way I could re-read it all.  🙂

robot

These latest ideas are involving robotics, one involving transportation and one involving personal computing.  I want to get my hands on a google glass device – but how would I explain that at work?  I’m already considered a traitor for using an android phone.  See, it’s my opinion – I don’t care about the brand.  Does it work?  Does it solve a problem or a need that I have or make my life easier or less dependent on the unimportant things?  Cool, then I’ll try it.  If it somehow chains me down, or makes things worse, then heck no am I going to spend decent money on a gadget that’s just the next popular thing.  I’m VERY picky.

Well – I should get some sleep.  It’s later than I’d realized.  I hope you are all well.  Goodnight Neverland.  XXO