A painful eve

It is raining outside.  I love the sound of it on my roof.  There’s a dog barking off in the distance.  It’s a lonely sound.  I had the urge to go out and just dance in it for a bit.  My kids are tucked in bed.  Although there’s already been a few requests for water and extra hugs.  🙂  I’ve been looking at pictures.  I have also been drinking wine.  Tomorrow is Ben’s birthday.  I’m listening to music… tucked away in my bed.  Ok, I’m hiding.  Fine.  I’ll admit it.  But a song came on the radio on my way home tonight that had me bawling.  I pulled the car over and just cried and cried and cried.  Perhaps the clouds decided to echo my own feelings and actions.

I spent some time with my kids.  Made dinner.  I forced myself to hold it together.  My daughter informed me that Grandma wanted me to call her.  I knew why.  I wasn’t going to call her until after the kids went to bed.  She called me.  She asked if I’d come and plant daffodil bulbs with her tomorrow, in Ben’s honor.  She’s done it a few years now, and when they come up in spring, she calls them Ben’s flowers.  I hung up and cried and cried some more.  Ack!

I have tomorrow off.  One of my friends is coming over in the morning, we’re going to bake a cake while she works from here.  Then I’ll go to my mom’s, and then I’ll go hand out blankets to the homeless.  It has become my tradition.  Doing something kind for others.  I do it for him.  I hope to get brave enough to go and find his name on the wall at the Children’s hospital.

Tonight I had a friend try and bring a bit of drama.  She’s upset about something she shouldn’t be upset about.  I tried talking to her about it the last couple of days, and now she wants to resort to name calling and drama.  I didn’t engage.  At least not the way I think she expected me to.  I said how I wasn’t the name she’d called me.  I then told her that I wish her the very best of happiness, and that right now, I am in no shape to handle stress or drama right now.  I am embracing my inner Buddhist.  I don’t care about all the stupid insignificant little bullshit we as humans tend to wrap ourselves up in.  It doesn’t matter.

I remember feeling like my life, my world just STOPPED… and all I could do was watch the world wiz by.  It was such a strange feeling.  I wanted to call out, yell, demand why the world hadn’t stopped with me. Having read a bit about grief and loss, I’ve come to learn that it’s a common feeling for anyone dealing with a bit of shock after a loss.  I find that a little bit comforting.  But what I learned from that moment, was that the world keeps turning, even if I fall down and break.  Even if everyone I know falls down and breaks, the world keeps going.  People go to work, kids go to school, it was incredibly humbling.  I became more empathetic to the world around me.  When you experience unbearable emotional pain, you hate to see anyone else in it.

T emailed me tonight.  Raising a  glass to Ben and thanking him for shaping me into who I am.  Unexpected, and makes me tear up and still smile.  I’m so grateful for the people in my inner circle right now. They are patient and kind to me right now, a smile and a friendly face, a safe place to be me and do what I need right now to honor and mourn my son.

Well – I need some sleep.  goodnight Neverland.  I’m sure you’ll hear from me tomorrow.  XXO

4 thoughts on “A painful eve

  1. <3 <3 <3 It doesn't seem right that there is beauty in pain. Yet, I found your words heart-breakingly, devastatingly beautiful. My son's name is Ben as well and I can't imagine life without him. So… In honor of your Ben, my Ben and I will do something unexpected and nice for someone tomorrow, too. Clearly, I never had the honor of meeting him but I am confident he knows how much he is loved. <3 <3 <3

      • I was thinking about you today and I just wanted you to know my Ben and I went out for supper tonight. In honor of your Ben, we anonymously paid for someone else’s food, too. On the credit card receipt, along with my name, we wrote that it was in your son Ben’s memory.

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