I know – not a very imaginative title. I may or may not change it. Tonight, I need you Neverland. I love it here. It’s a place that I feel safe to let anything out. Vulnerabilities and all. I like to posture and say that by sharing my vulnerabilities, it gives me strength. It’s a bunch of BS tho. I’m still not very strong. Today especially.
Today, I feel lost. Lost in a sea of my own making to some extent, as my life is my own, and the choices I’ve made over my life were mine. Part of me thinks, well.. Jen, it IS fall. You always get this way leading up to Ben’s birthday. But I don’t think this is just a bit of grief. Not having a job right now is frustrating. I’m antsy and starting to worry over my financial responsibilities. It’s a strange feeling – first time in 12 years I’ve been unemployed. I won’t lie – I’m a little scared.
Fall is really here. It’s getting colder, more brisk in the mornings. The leaves are changing. It’s one of my favorite times of the year. And yet – it’s also a time of year that typically has me feeling anxious, and even a little down. This is the time of year, that I want to hibernate. Who knows, maybe I was a bear in another life? 🙂 This is the time of year that I’m often hit with a lot of memories from my past. I dreamed of Ben the other night. Grayson asked about him the other day – as we have his picture up on one of the bookshelves in the living room. I don’t cry very much anymore, but there is still a deep ache. The kind of ache in the chest that if you dwelled for too long, the tears would well up behind the eyes, the flood threatening to flow down the cheek. Some wounds are too deep to really heal.
I’ve had some pretty major shakeups with friends and family in the last couple of weeks. That combined with the kids starting school, healing from my injuries and the lack of work… I can’t lie to myself anymore, I’m on the edge of depression. And I know I’ll pull out of it – I always do – but the past couple of weeks have been hard. I’m really proud of me tho. I’m doing it all. I’m managing to figure all of this out, slowly but surely. I have to remind myself that courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid… it means you’re afraid but still take a step forward.
I have to remind myself that it’s ok to take some time for myself right now. To be quiet and hibernate a little in my home. It’s ok to feel a little lost and scared and lonely. I’m lucky really. I know how good I have it and I know that I’m one tough cookie who’ll find a way to continue to have it good for a long time yet to come. I’ve never been a fan of limbo – and that’s all this is. A strange state where the path that lies ahead of me is a bit hazy and unclear. It’s ok. Although – I won’t lie – it would be nice if someone would join me with a flashlight and a map. 🙂
I’ve been hiding from my phone for the past couple of days. Ok, maybe not hiding, but I plug it in and walk away from it. I don’t want to be near it. Families… weddings… I swear, weddings, funerals and babies bring out the crazy in people. And typically – when the crazy comes out – someone gets hurt.
I guess this time… that person is me. I’m hurt. Reeling actually. I feel as if I’ve been singed and cut by someone I never thought I’d have to fear.
My “bro”. He’s not related to me by blood, but we call each other “brother” and “sister”. We met 13 years ago, he was my neighbor who lived with his then-girlfriend across the hall. I swear, the first time I met him, I knew he was my brother from another mother. LOL. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, but we were always there for each other. He’s always been there for me.
I knew, as his wedding day approached that our friendship was about to change in a big way. Ideally, I’d gain a cool sister out of the deal. But she has never seemed to have much interest in that, we don’t share a lot of the same ideals, so I get it. Actually – I wish she understood exactly just how much I get it. The Bro’s life is about to change in a pretty serious way. His life now must be with her. Up until recently, I’ve been excited to think about what is in store for their future… moving in together, babies, eventually buying a house, doing all the things that I know he wants to accomplish. And I knew that our friendship would move to the very back… like nosebleed seats. And I’m cool with that – hell – I’ve been pushing him in this direction. I guess I figured we’d get through his wedding day first. I was wrong. And truly, I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this. And if I’m honest, After all that was said, I’m not entirely sure I want it to.
I won’t spill all the details here… but I will say that I wish I could help some people see how much their words can damage. How their tone and the way they approach other people will directly impact how their words are received. I will also say that it takes a very brave and yet rather stupid man to judge another. My bro laid out many of the decisions I’d made over the course of my life … pointing out my mistakes, effectively rubbing my nose in the areas he felt I didn’t measure up. Not just in my past, but even now. But he did all of this, only knowing bits and pieces of the story. He judged me… and it came across with anger, disdain, disappointment and shame. His soon to be wife even joined in the “fun”. She’d verbally attacked me prior to my bro letting me have it. Screamed at me and said I was a horrible “best man”. Ironic she did that when I was putting finishing touches on some bachelor party related stuff earlier that evening. It was a hard hitting 1-2 verbal sucker punch from them as a couple.
I won’t lie, that first 24 hours after they both let me have it… I was a wreck. I broke down. I bawled and went quiet. I crawled inside my world and licked my wounds. I wasn’t even angry, I was self-reflective. I had to check myself… make sure that what he’d said wasn’t true. I guess because I’ve been actively working on self-improvement, I had to really take a good look and make sure that there weren’t areas of his feedback that I needed to consider. The next day, we spoke again and he apologized and tried to sweep it under the rug. Even tried to deny some of what he’d said the night before. I thanked him for the apology but stated that for me to feel comfortable attending the wedding and the festivities, that I would like an apology from his fiance/soon to be wife. He agreed that I deserved it, but warned that I might not get it from her right away. He laid out various reasons and excuses for why I should just let it go. About 15 minutes after he said he’d talk to her and get back to me, my phone rang. It was her, and I answered it pleasantly, as I didn’t want to start things off on the wrong foot. She immediately started yelling – even yelled an apology. Yea – cuz THAT feels totally sincere. I hung up on her, and texted her that perhaps it would be better to move to text. Honestly, I just didn’t want to be yelled at anymore. We texted a little – but I pretty quickly gave up on that too. So here I sit, no sincere apology and still feeling incredibly upset and uneasy a few days later.
Yes, I could back down… I could suck it up and be there for him on his wedding day. And likely – I will do this. More for me than him. I don’t want to feel guilty 10 years from now for not showing up. And I’ll go into it knowing there’s the potential for drama, or daggers being thrown at me, there will be the potential for awkward uncomfortable silences, and even worse, a high chance that I will end up feeling used or insulted by the end of all of this. I will suck it up, BUT… I’m done. Or at least I think I am. I’m going to just keep going down my own life’s path… because I’m dying to see what happens in the next chapters of my life. To get thru this, i’m going to keep telling myself that it’s not my circus, and not my monkeys.
I’m a grown woman who’s made a successful, full and happy life for herself. I’m a woman who has good, sweet, smart children who may stumble or struggle in their life in places, but who know without a shadow of a doubt that their momma loves them and would do anything to see that they are safe and well cared for. I don’t deserve to be talked to or treated in that manner. Especially when what is being said isn’t true. At least I had that going for me, I knew, deep down in my heart that nothing they said was true about me… that it was being said out of spite and anger and jealousy. But here’s the thing, even knowing that… it still hurt. It was a different hurt tho. This hurt came from knowing that the someone I trusted over the years is now throwing daggers… they are no longer worthy of my trust. That perhaps I’d misjudged him all along.
So … because of all of this… I’ve been avoiding my phone. I’ve been staying off social media and just kind of hiding in my world. I’ve had some shifts in a few friendships in the last few months… each of them shook me to my core for various reasons. This one is no different. What is interesting to me is that when I promised myself that I’d get healthy, even if that meant cutting toxic situations out of my life… I guess I didn’t realize how many of my relationships had toxic layers woven into them. Maybe living on my own and staying single for a while truly WAS the best thing I could have done for myself. I’m so glad I’ve done it up to this point. I’ll have to watch myself moving forward… I’m putting up my walls with everyone – unintentionally. And I don’t mean to. I am just unsure on who to trust, vs. who will judge me or hurt me. Easier to just put up the walls a bit.
I had an interview today – it went quite well. I felt confident, for the first time in months actually. A genuine confidence, not the kind where you fake it till you hopefully make it. Maybe being shaken to my core this weekend was good for me. Helped remind me who I am. Where I’ve been, and more importantly, where I am headed.
Not going to lie… I’m frustrated. More frustrated than I’ve been in a while. You would think that I would get used to feeling frustrated, especially when my family is involved… and yet, here I am, feeling a bit blindsided once again.
So it’s been a busy week. I’ve had a few phone interviews, all materializing into in person ones next week. On the “Find Jen a new Job” front… things are moving along. But I also got a letter from unemployment this week. They are reviewing my application and it could take 3-5 weeks to be completed. So until then… no money for me. And my severance money from my previous job will not be mailed out until the end of august. That money will be a good chunk of money to keep me going until spring should I so desire.
Thankfully, I saved some for a rainy day. It’s enough to cover my house payment. Which – obviously means it’s not enough – but at least I had that. I’ve never been out of work for very long, and I am confident that I’ll land one of these jobs. But I’m frustrated with this strange place of finding myself in a bind.
This morning, I sucked up my pride and I called my dad. Perhaps he could loan me a little in order to float until I get my severance. Hell – charge me interest I don’t care. He wasn’t available to talk to and I put it out of my head. This evening, I got an earful. A guilt trip piled on extra thick. He even ended it with pressuring me to sell the house.
I’m sorry what?!
… FUCK that!
I’ve come too far… I’ve fought too long and too hard… that is absolute BULLSHIT right there. And where the hell is the faith Dad?! I’ve been out of work once in 12 years. And that one time… it took me approximately 45 days to land a job that made 40K more than the one I’d lost. If only I had my severance right now… but it’s coming! I’m not a TOTAL loser here!! Why does it always feel like my family thinks the absolute worst of me? What the hell do I have to do to prove to these people that I’m not a fuck up? I may screw up here and there, but overall… I’m more often than not on a solid positive track in the right direction.
I came home, pouted and cried a little… paced and stewed a little… and figured I’d let some of it out here. I don’t know, maybe this is my dad’s form of tough love, but honestly, between him and my mom – I’ve had all the tough love I can possibly stand. I’d just like some real, genuine love for a little bit. Is that too much to ask? Some support, a kind word of encouragement and the faith to know that I’ve got this handled… ok so yea, maybe there’s a small blip in things thanks to our government right now… but damn it… I’ve got this. Ok?!
I’m nervous. I’ve been fighting some strange tummy troubles in the past month and a half. I’ve been in and out of the ER twice, seen my doctor twice, and was referred to 2 specialists. The original plan was to go, in mid November, for a couple of procedures that would “give us the answers”. Yesterday, my specialist called me and they felt it was necessary to get me in for an emergency appointment for both of the procedures. So suddenly, I had to clear my calendar for friday and start the prep needed to do the procedures. (Endoscopy and Colonoscopy… EW)
On one hand, I’m relieved. The idea of getting answers to this month long miserable journey is fantastic! It means that perhaps … relief from these symptoms is just around the corner.
On the other hand…
My doc sat me down in her office. Laid out some of the possibilities they’re leaning towards. They range from mid-level-scary to freak-me-out-scary. Obviously, I’m hoping it’ll be something simple and easy. I’ve been good at squashing the side of me that loves to stick her head in the sand. I’ve been doing everything I’ve been told to do by the doctors. I’m trying so hard to stick with it and not get discouraged or distracted.
What if they do these things tomorrow and still find no answers? What if they find something scary? What if I somehow screw up and they can’t even do the test?
Yesterday was Ben’s birthday. A time of year when I’m a mess anyway. When I got this phone call – it was first with a push to go back to the ER. I cried and begged to not be made to go back there. Not on that day. The last place on the planet I wanted to be yesterday was at a hospital. So instead, they squeezed me in to see my doc. I had the anesthesiologist pre-op appointment. I came home and tried to just stay calm.
Today – things erupted at work. Stress is high. There’s too much work to do, not enough people to do it and not nearly enough time. It’s not ideal. I managed as best as I could. I’m hoping they remain understanding tomorrow when I’m unavailable.
I’m trying to remember that life doesn’t give you more than you can handle. And that the perspective of exactly what we can handle will change. I might not think I can handle it – but in 6 months when I look back, I’ll see how strong I am.
T said that to me yesterday. How strong I am. How I just keep moving and barrel through. It struck me as a bit odd. He sees that as such a feat of accomplishment. I see it as an automatic. What else are you going to do when facing a problem? There’s only one solution – you tackle it. How you tackle it might vary and change, but ultimately – you have to move forward or step back. I suppose you could say I don’t typically enjoy states of limbo. Is that a strange view to have these days? Seems perfectly normal to me, although, to be honest, my normal meter has got to be at least a little bit broken.
Well – I better get off here and go get a few things done. Much love to you. Goodnight Neverland!
I’ve always been of the mindset that it’s another day, another dollar… but lately… it’s more than that. Life is fricken AWESOME! Am I allowed to say “Fricken”? 🙂
Got a bunch of boxes unpacked tonight. Lit some candles. The house feels incredible. It’s becoming a home. Something I didn’t think would happen. Happiness feels good.
I visited my grandma today. It’s weird… I got a phone call from my mother during my lunch break at work today and she was requesting that I leave work and go sit with Nana. Granddad is in the hospital and not doing very well. She was worried to leave her by herself for too long. So I dropped everything and drove over to her house. Walked in, made her a cup of tea and sat and chatted. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do something like that. Especially just Nana alone. It was lovely. We talked about all sorts of things. Life, love, family, the new house, decorating, relationships and marriages, kids, travel… it’s been far too long since I’ve sat down with her and talked about things that really matter to me. She got tired about 2 hours into it and requested that I watch over her while she napped. Funny, this is the woman who raised me… and here I sat, watching her drift off to sleep. I felt incredibly protective of her at that moment. My step dad showed up and let me go home. He would take over the duty of watching over her.
As I drove home, I reflected on all the times that she’d watch over me. Times when I was sick, or sad, or struggling with some life struggle. Interesting how life takes a turn and suddenly the children are the ones who take over and care for the parents.
Usually, when I see my grandparents, I’m struck with how inadequate I am. How I’m not good enough or how I could do better in life in so many ways… but not this time. This time, when I left and drove home to pick up my son… I felt pride. I felt accomplished. I felt this heavy and amazing feeling that I have made it. I’m somebody my family is proud of. My family is proud of who I am, what I’ve done… who I am and who I am becoming. And for once, I felt it. Too bad I can’t channel that feeling all the time… would be nice to kiss my low self esteem goodbye for good. But whatever.. i’ll take the moment. 🙂