The people I allow into my world are… very special to me.

I took the day off today to pack.  I made progress, not as much as I’d like, but progress is still progress all the same.  My throat hurts.  I saw the doctor last week and she’s referring me to an ear, nose and throat specialist.  Apparently I need to have my tonsils taken out and she wants to have them look deeper down my throat at a lump she’s found but can’t see.  Sigh.  It’s been bothering me now for about a month and a half.  It was tolerable, until she messed with it.  And now it just hurts and makes my head hurt and I just want to curl up into bed under the covers.  But I don’t have time to do that.  Gotta get us moved this weekend.  Sunday is the day the movers come with the big truck.  Sunday is my deadline for all packing.

I took a break from the packing and stress.  Sushi night followed by a walk at the park and a drive to “get lost”.  🙂  I love doing that.  Not that I necessarily get lost, but a drive to explore.  Find a small park and take a walk or find some interesting shops to wander.  To get away from the screen, away from the house, to stop work and just take in the world around us.  The little things that sometimes, you forget.  I was getting crabby today.  All the packing and moving, my throat, and feeling a bit neglected from other’s attention left me a little frustrated.  And it’s not just that… so many of my friends and loved ones right now are struggling with different aspects of life.  Unemployment, family members who are gravely ill, others planning weddings…. I wish I could somehow help them all.  I hate hearing the people who I look to as being so strong break down.  I want to crawl through the phone and hand them tissues.  🙂  But sitting at the park, listening to the waves lap the dock, sun shining, clouds lazily drifting by… I felt immensely better.  I was reminded of how small I am.  How the things we get so stressed about…the little things that annoy us or upset us in the moment….are small, tiny blips in the grand scheme of things.  Life works out…in weird and unexpected ways.  We may not understand it in the swirl of things, but when you pull out and up… gain some altitude and perspective… it gets a little clearer

I received a compliment tonight.  A few actually.  I doubt the person who said it realizes quite how much hearing them meant to me.  One in particular really hit me.  The conversation was around kids.  I was hanging with folks who don’t have kids.  And the topic was around how many times, they see kids or parents who don’t inspire them to go out and have any offspring of their own.  Although to note, sometimes it is these people who I believe would make the greatest parents.  That’s when the compliment flew out.  I can’t remember now exactly how he phrased it but essentially it was that Jen’s kids are an exception.  That one could even say they inspire a yearning to have them.  Maybe it was said just to make sure I didn’t feel insulted by the conversation; Maybe it was thrown off-hand or nonchalantly.  But… I’m choosing to take it.  My kids are very good kids for the most part.  Yes, they have their moments.  But overall, we’re a happy, healthy, albeit, sometimes loud house (3 year old’s LOVE to test out their vocal chords).  My kids are affectionate and friendly and hearing from a 3rd party that my kids are pretty cool – wow.  I feel such pride.

I’ve been helping a few friends the past couple of weeks.  They’ve all needed shoulders to lean on, cry on, vent to, drink with, whatever.  The people I allow into my world are… very special to me.  They are maybe a total of 10 people..maybe.  I would jump in front of a train for them.  I hate to see them in such turmoil or self doubt.  I’ve been there.  Hell, sometimes I’m still there if I’m truly honest… but I wish I could help these people see them the way I do.  They shine so bright.  They are strong and amazing.  But sometimes they don’t see it.  I suppose that I really can’t judge tho, I do it too.  Why do we all struggle to see our own worth so much?

I had a moment tonight when I let down my guard and confessed to my own feelings of inadequacy.  From the outside, I’m sure I appear to have all my shit together.  And in some areas of life, yes, I suppose I do.  But having one or two areas of life handled and others in disarray isn’t something I am proud of.

If I’m honest for a moment…. deep breath….

I’m ashamed.

I’ve spent 18 years of my life in a serious relationship and/or marriage,  and still failed.  Not once, but twice.  The gravity of that really hits home for me.  I failed.  I’m a very affectionate caring person and I couldn’t make it work. Or better yet, didn’t see that the men I’d chosen were wrong for me. The first, abuse led me to flee with my daughter.   The second, I just couldn’t take being with an alcoholic anymore.  We weren’t a team.  No one was ever happy. I feel guilt sometimes for leaving. Marriage is supposed to be forever.  But I refused to teach my children that THAT is love and marriage.  It’s not a fairy tale either….Life will always hand you ups and downs, but it’s when you have someone, or a few someone’s to share with…to laugh with, to cry with… to hug or hold hands or kiss…to be vulnerable with…you know you’ll somehow get through.

Well, I’m off to go chat with one of my friends now…

Goodnight never-land.

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