Pain, depression, madness…It throbs and pulses beneath the surface.  Sharp and stabbing.  A single bump or brush against something would make my walls crumble and crash, revealing bright red slashes of vibrant pain echoing underneath.  There are no more tears.

I am, by nature, not a crier.  I used to be.  But when you’ve seen enough pain, enough sadness, been tortured by a never ending cycle of hellish nightmares, you learn that crying only accomplishes one thing…it gives me a headache and makes my makeup run – which in turn, reveals to everyone around me how weak I am at that moment.  Hence, crying and I don’t get along much.  Last night, I cried myself to sleep.  For many reasons.  Too many to even figure out at this point.  Perhaps I was just feeling sorry for myself.  Perhaps it’s just grief revealing itself to me, as lord knows, I haven’t taken much time to do that.  Not sure.

Today is a new day.  Going to smile.  Even if I don’t feel like it.  Going to focus.  Even if I don’t want to.  Going to figure this out.  Work through it.  I can.  At least I think.  I need a hug.  I need someone to care.  Someone to show me that I’m important to them.  Not because i’m there for them, but because they just want ME.  That’s weakness talking of course.  That’s me not knowing how to comfort myself – so I’m clinging to the idea that someone can come in and magically make me feel better.  That’s immaturity showing.  I’m not going to reach out today.  I’m going to stay inside my little world and figure this shit out.  Even if I fear it’ll get the better of me.  Here’s to hope.

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