Tag: vacation

Trying not to lose it

Jen2 Comments

I will not cry.  I will not cry.  Oh… who am I kidding.

*Commence Bawling Session*

It has been a really tough week.  My first day back to work was Monday, and it seems the universe decided it was more than time to end my vacation.

Today I had to tell my team that I couldn’t extend their contracts past December.  These are friends, practically family.  The mood in the office was definitely somber afterwards.  I then spent the day battling war upon war trying to do all I could to save them.  Found out tonight that there is a chance, I may have done it.  I’ll find out tomorrow for sure.

But now, after a day of constant arguments, negotiations, defending, pitching… i’m absolutely wiped, and feeling VERY defeated by it all.  If this is what being in upper management is like, you can keep it.  I’m constantly having to fight for my team’s right to be there.  I hired some of the world’s leading experts to do this work, and they won’t let us get it done.

Maybe it’s a touch of the Christmas blues… but it dawned on me today how alone I feel. My little one has been sick, my daughter’s grades aren’t as great as I’d like, and then add in the work battles.  The last few days have included me covered in throw up, the couch destroyed by throw up, screaming, crying meltdowns over the smallest of things.  I’m frustrated.  This isn’t the dream I had when I pictured having a family.  Maybe it sounds bad, but I never signed up to do this by myself.  And now that I am by myself in this, I don’t feel like I could ever ask anyone to help take on the load.  It is my burden, so to speak.  And it’s lonely feeling that way.  I’m the only one who can pull myself out of rough or negative situations.  I’m the one who pulls herself up by her bootstraps and powers through, even when I don’t know how, or when I don’t feel good.  Being strong is something I’m good at.  But sometimes, I just want to be weak.

Today – I just want to go back to the beach.  My trip, my vacation, was truly the most amazing trip I’ve ever been on.  The people I met, the things I saw, the activities I did.. all of it was so relaxing, so inspiring, so epic.  I cried when it came time to go home.  I couldn’t believe I had to go and return to the monotony.  Return to the world where so much weight rests on my shoulders.  Return to a world where I feel so alone.  I couldn’t get over the idea of returning home to plan for xmas fun, knowing that a lot of it would be me doing those Christmas things alone with my kids.

Ugh.  Can I just go hide in bed, maybe build a blanket fort and watch a movie and just pretend like today didn’t happen??

Hugs and kisses Neverland.

Travelling

JenLeave a comment

I’m sitting at the airport in Boston. Waiting to take the second half of flights to go to St. Thomas.  I’ve had about 2.5 hours of sleep. Soooooo sleepy. But it’s pretty here. Snow is falling. Should be a lovely contrast to the warm tropical weather we are heading to.

My heart has been acting up a bit. Not entirely happy about that but whatever.  Guess I should be used to it by now.   I’m still a bit nervous for this vacation.  Not sure why. No reason to be. I guess I’m worried that I’m going to annoy T. He’s been a joy to travel with so far. I’d hate for me being tired, stupid or just me being me to somehow screw all of this up.

This is the first time I’ve wanted to go on a vacation with someone in this way.  I’ve vacationed with friends,  but not as a couple alone.  Have had a couple people ask if we’re honeymooners.  Awkward.  Nope. Just a trip. Who knows, maybe someday, but I get the impression that won’t even be in the cards with anyone for a long while yet.  I have mixed feelings about that.  Ugh. Guess we’ll see how it all goes. Fingers crossed for me?

No doubt,  I’ll check in again soon.

Is it Thanksgiving yet?!

Jen1 Comment

palmtree_xmas

This time next week, I’ll be on my way to the airport.  OMG that feels amazing to say.  It’s finally here!  Rather than worry about possible weather delays – I’m only thinking about this trip as an adventure – whatever happens, I’m going to enjoy it.  🙂

My phone will remain in airplane mode the entire week – so that I can still use it to take photos.  I’ll turn on my signal to check in with my kids, but that is it.  I’m out.  🙂  I’m really (and perhaps oddly) looking forward to seeing palm trees decorated for the holidays.  I’ve never seen it in person before.  I’m loving the fact that I’m seeing a few houses with Christmas decorations up already.  I immediately squeal like a little girl when I see them.  I know – I’m a dork.  When I get back – I’ll have to get into the holiday baking, the making of homemade Kahlua – I think I found the perfect containers for this year, all the fun family Christmas traditions that really make it feel like a special holiday.  I could care less about the gifts and the commercial materialism.  Bring on the fun family experiences! 🙂 I’m definitely ready this year.

I’ve already started washing certain clothes and stacking them up with my suitcase.  Picked up all the little travel bottles of stuff I’ll need.  I love the anticipation of traveling.  The prepping and planning.  Putting aside certain things you know you’ll want or need to take with you.

I’ve been careful to give my kids as much attention and love as I can, and will likely heap on a bunch more before I go.  I think that’s the only part of this trip I won’t enjoy.  Leaving them behind and having to say goodbye for a week.  But… then again – I’m so excited to sleep in.  To not have to constantly negotiate with a toddler or preteen.  YES! 🙂

Hehe.  Just wanted to check in.  Been busy lately and haven’t had a moment to sit and write.  That’s something I look forward to getting in on this trip actually.  I’ve been writing in a journal by hand and need to transfer a bunch of it over to this blog.  As it is my preference to record it here.  Although it’s a little scarier sometimes to post here.  Everything you write, which in my case are the things I think and feel, out for the public to read and potentially judge.

I’ve had this blog up since Oct 2013.  I can’t imagine not having it now.  It’s been a source of comfort, of council, and of release.  I’ve read so many stories and moments from other bloggers that inspire me or make me feel less alone. I never expected to love my little online “community” as much as I do.  🙂 To my fellow bloggers – do you feel that way too?

Well – tonight I’m off to a comfy pajama party with another couple.  Complete with spiked hot cocoa and movies, leftovers and likely, popcorn.  🙂 Should be a fun, relaxed night.  I love those the best.  Does that mean I’m getting old?  Old woman in her early 30’s … yea right.  🙂

Goodnight Neverland.  Love you muchly.

lipstick kiss

Distracted

Jen1 Comment

daydreams

Good morning Neverland.

I’m distracted.  I should be focused on working… as there is lots going on at work these days.  But what am I doing?  I’m sitting at my desk thinking about my vacation instead.  In just 2 short weeks, I’ll be boarding a plane and heading to a tropical beach.  It just can’t come soon enough.  I know the next 2 weeks will fly by and it will be here before I know it, heck, knowing me, it will be here and I’ll scramble to get everything packed and handled right before I go.  I’ve not been this distracted before a trip before.  Not sure why this one is so different, but it is.  I can’t seem to keep my head in the game at work.  Perhaps that also can be chalked up to the layoffs we’ve gone through recently.  Everything at work has been stressful and full of change and ambiguity.  I’d rather spend the day in bed.

There is so much I’m looking forward to.  I’m looking forward to the disconnect.  That’s the joy of traveling somewhere… wi-fi and technology can be easily rendered useless depending on where you go.  And that’s what I sought when I planned out this trip months ago.

st-thomas-virgin-islands

No hotel chains for me.  I’ve rented a small cabin.  With a kitchen and a BBQ so that I can go and pick out some fresh seafood and fruits and veggies and cook.  No little ones to answer to or wake me up too early.  No roommates.  No exes.  No work.

The ex is furious that I’m going on this trip.  And part of me can understand and part of me says F that!  Screw you! 🙂

He’s upset because we never traveled.  We couldn’t afford it.  For 3/4 of our marriage, we were pretty poor.  We didn’t have a honeymoon.  We didn’t take vacations.  I think the most time we ever spent “away from it all” would be a long weekend at a local spot.  And that was ok.  Since ending our marriage, I’ve taken quite a few trips.  6 to be exact, in varying lengths and distances from home.  I love to travel.  I get it from my grandparents.  They took me to England when I was 10 for a LONG trip.  They traveled once, sometimes twice a year.  They’d do cruises and different trips.  Australia, Japan, Europe… They’d come home and show me pictures and tell me stories of the things they experienced and the people they’d met.  I knew when I was young, that I would embrace travel.  I just never had the funds to do it.

He’s also upset because the week I’m gone, the responsibility of our children falls on him.  Last year, when I went to Hawaii, I had to pay him to watch our kids.  I knew it was ridiculous, that by all rights, I shouldn’t have to pay the children’s father to watch them… but I wanted to go, and that was my only option at the time, so I bit the bullet and forked over the cash.  I refused to do that this time, and I think he’s a little upset.  Oh well man!  Suck it up!  🙂

Travelling has opened my eyes.  I’ve seen and done a few things that I never thought I’d get to do.  I’ve met people who will always have a place in my heart, because of what they’ve shared with me.  And although I’m not necessarily a fan of sitting for long hours on a plane… I can’t wait to do it again soon, because it means I’ll have a new slough of experiences and people to add to the memory banks.

Hope you all are having a great week.

JETBLUE TURNS FIVE; TAKES DELIVERY OF 71ST AIRBUS A320

Bring on a new week!

JenLeave a comment

It was an interesting week.  Ben’s birthday came and went.  A few in my inner circle wouldn’t let me spend it alone.  Celebrated in various ways… cake with a sparkler in it,

Ben's cake, with 2 sparklers in place of candles.
Ben’s cake, with 2 sparklers in place of candles.

handing out blankets from a big bag I’d ordered to those who really needed it downtown – which was both fulfilling and heart breaking all at the same time.  A simple piece of fabric is not nearly enough to keep those people warm.

Bag of blankets
Bag of blankets

more than a few cry sessions while looking over old photos thinking about the course life takes in a more general sense of the term.  It’s interesting how a person will come to terms with grief.  This year was a little harder emotionally than I expected it to be, but at the same time, I combatted it with doing kindness acts for others.  I avoided drama at all costs.  Tried to spread smiles.  And that made it somehow ok.

Attended a formal event on Friday night.  Went and got my hair done before hand, wore a new killer dress, and some badass high heels… I felt like a million bucks.  Then Saturday night, I hung out with some old coworker friends, who are more like family, listened to a great band play in their living room complete with fog machine and lighting, ate some great Italian food, it was fantastic and kind of chill. To be honest, it was totally awesome.  The band was great, the conversation was around music, Halloween, kids, nerdy things… all things I feel completely at ease jumping in and talking about.  And a few of the party attendees were like family to me, so it was jut a great atmosphere to be in all around.

The band playing in my buddies living room. :)
The band playing in my buddies living room. 🙂

Overall – the week had it’s ups and it’s downs.  In the past, I’d have been a wreck this week.  But this year, between friends, and the way I planned it out… there was simply no reason to be.  I think I did it.  I found a way to really honor Ben, and that has left me content instead. 🙂 But all of that said, all of those plans… had me a bit worn down.  It’s why I planned to have a day, Today, when I’d be by myself.

No kids.  No plans.  A day to myself.  It’s been a while.

I was both, looking forward to it, and for some reason dreading it all at the same time leading up to it this weekend.  And then it came, and I slept in a little.  Then got up, put on my game day jersey and went and had breakfast, tuned into the game and read a book drinking coffee and not talking to anyone.  I had to really push myself to go.  Eating alone is … weird.  Sometimes I don’t mind it, especially if I have something to read… but sometimes, my social side comes out and I get a bit lonely sitting in a busy place by myself.  I worked through it.  Got my book out and I sat and ate and enjoyed a weird moment of quiet bliss where the only person I had to think about was just myself.

I drove to the park.  Watched the geese feed on early morning worms, watched a few brave souls out in rain gear doing the same thing I was.  Enjoying the foggy quiet rainy day.  There are a couple of small sailboats anchored just off the shore, I imagine the people in them are either still sleeping, or doing something indoor-ish, playing checkers while their boat rocks a gentle lulling rock. I love the stormy weather that comes with the fall.

Heavy Downpour --- Image by © Anthony Redpath/Corbis

I love the rain.  Some people look at it as a dreary thing.  Another grey dreary day.  But me?  I like to dance in it.  I like to walk in it.  I don’t care if I get soaking wet.  I’ll sit on a bench and just take it all in.  Falling rain is the opposite from a loudness scale to falling snow. I love the booming thunder, the occasional explosion of light that streaks its way across the sky.  I also love to huddle up inside, light a candle, pretend the power has gone out and drink apple cider or hot chocolate.  Use the storms as an excuse to stay in.

I ran a few errands, and then came home, I worked on my office a bit.  Unpacking and organizing, trying to get it set up to where I can actually use and enjoy it.  I’m sitting in here now.  A candle lit, music playing.  There’s nothing on my walls yet.  It’s driving me a little crazy.  I like to have art on my walls, photographs, paintings, mirrors, sconces… I have them throughout the house.

It got to be dinner time, and I decided to drive over to my favorite Mexican restaurant and treat myself – with the addition of a margarita.  Hey – I’ve always been a fan of tequila, no judging please. 🙂 And now, I’m home, deliciously relaxed, a little quiet, and quite content.  And although I’m not sure I’m looking forward to another week … I know I’ll be ready for it.  Bring it on.  I can take it.  My vacation will be here soon, and I’ll get a real break away from everything. I’m really looking forward to it.  A break away from everything…even technology and phones.  I can’t wait to see that blue water, the white powdery sands.  Bliss!

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love.

lipstick kiss