Once I’m human again… an ode to fall.

It’s easy to stumble upon moments of self doubt when you’re sick and you’re single.  For it is when you’re sick, that you’re often feeling at your lowest, easily susceptible to feeling the true weight of being alone.  What’s interesting to me is that I’m content 95 percent of the time with being alone.  EXCEPT… when I’m sick.  Then I just want company.  Companionship to watch the movie SpaceBalls with, and to fight over kleenex and who gets the last orange juice!

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So I just embraced those moments and spent time with myself.  I’ve binge watched a bunch of movies that I haven’t seen in a very long time, ingested as much liquid vitamin C that I could possibly stand, slept when I needed to sleep, as well as lit candles and watched (from inside) the season take over the yard… the leaves changing color, a small nip in the air.

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It’s lovely.  It’s also unfortunate that I’m sick – as this is one of my favorite times of the year.  I get to wear boots!  I get to wear scarves!  And although I don’t do pumpkin spice – I find those that do adorable in their charming predictability.  Fall is finally here in Seattle, and I’m thrilled!  I can’t wait to get out into it and catch up on work and life and the world!

Until then… I think I’ll make a cup of tea and hope that this miserable plague finally goes away enough for me to re-join the human race.  Once I’m human again.

And on that note… I thought I’d share some funny meme’s about being sick.  🙂  Enjoy!

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Some nighttime rambles…

The more I unpack and work to turn this house into a home, the more often I have these lovely little moments; when I’ll walk into a room and in a certain spot, a particular view across the house leaves me feeling a sense of warmth, safety and security that I’ve never had before.

The last week I’ve had off has given me the time to really put in some effort on things around the house.  I’ve planted plants and have been working on the back patio area and the front lawn.  I want to build a privacy fence so that I can have a garden out there that we can sit and enjoy and not feel like everyone is watching.  I can imagine trees and plants and flowers, maybe a little park bench;  a little secret haven, a sanctuary away from the daily grind.

I’ve spent the last two days working on a new project.  Refinishing the master’s bathroom vanity.  It turned out so great that I was inspired to keep going!  I’m going to do the same treatment in the house’s main bathroom.  And today, when I’d finished the vanity, I kept going and refinished a beautiful piece in the front entry way.

I’d never guessed that I’d like refinishing furniture.  Who knew?!  I can see a fairly serious hobby forming.  🙂  It’s fantastic.

I’ve had my brother staying for the last day or so.  He’s helping with some of the heavy lifting I need done.  I need to have a serious talk with him tomorrow, and honestly, I’m nervous for it.  Really nervous.  I love that stupid punk ass kid.  But he needs a fricken knock in the head.  He even comments about how he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.  How he needs to figure it out.  We talked a bunch about it, but then I see what he does all day.  He’s never going to pull himself out of this rut that he’s in unless he actually is willing to change his habits, change his behaviors.  He gets upset because my Dad is always angry with him.  I can’t really say that I blame him.  My brother has no awareness of how what he does affects other people.  He’s quite innocent in that way.

The dog situation… sigh.  That whole thing has just thrown me for a major loop.

I wanted that dog, so badly.  He was an amazing animal.  But with my son being the rambunctious 4 year old that he is… I’m sad.  Heck, I’m more than sad.  I wanted a new pet.  I’ve wanted a new pet for about a year now.  I like that type of companionship that you get with a pet.  And now, it kind of feels like the whole thing is off, dogs, cats.. doesn’t matter.  When, originally, the plan was June.  I’m bummed.

Well – it’s time for sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.

Go Away

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Why can’t my own stupid self doubt just go away?  I mean, seriously?!  You rear your stupid ugly head when I least expect it.. when it’s the last thing on the planet I want.

I’m always so worried about what other people want, what will make them happy or content.  But so often, I find myself wondering if that’s just dumb?  If something is wrong, or if someone is upset about something, perhaps what I really need to do is wait and trust that when they’re ready – they’ll come talk to me.  Rather than bugging them to tell me.  Perhaps the right path is really to just continue to enjoy the blissful happiness that my home life has become.  And truly, it really has become just that.  Perhaps the reason I don’t do that, or at least haven’t been able to is because somewhere in my twisted brain, I think that if I allow myself to just embrace my own happiness, that I’ll be blind sided and not see something horrible if/when it comes along.  But living in doubt, or fear of a “what if” is just plain silly.  Not to mention, living in that fear and doubt prevents me from truly experiencing that over the top happiness that I so desperately seek.

My family got a dog today.  He’s so cute.  He’s an older dog.  We adopted him from a local shelter.  I think he’s going to make an excellent member of the family.  And that has me so overjoyed.

The house is coming together beautifully.  I put up some pictures today that really made me smile.  I have so much planned out for the next few weeks that I’m off.  More art going on the walls, going to tackle a bunch of gardening, even attempt to refinish some furniture.  It’s going to be epic!  🙂  And it’s so nice to have a break from work.  To not have to do anything for the job that I don’t want to do.

Tomorrow, I’ve got a few fairly major things to take care of.  One in particular, I’m pretty dang nervous about.  My only hope is that it turns out the way I need it to.  That’s just how it has to be.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk soon.

It’s been a while…

I get this weird mood when I know I need to sit and write.  Or worse, when it’s been too long since I’ve sat down and just released the thoughts.  In fact, I even give myself away.  I’ll start looking for people to chit chat with.  To sit and talk about good things.. life, love, music, food.. whatever.  And sometimes, when you feel like you need to talk to someone… everyone’s busy.  Life happens.  That’s typically when I’ll sit and write.  Hence my post tonight.

I’m moving.  The house is slowly transforming from a home to a pile of boxes in empty rooms.  I can’t believe the time has come. I’m both nervous and excited.  It’s a strange battle of the opposites in my head.  Elation and yet worry.  🙂  So I’m just doing my best to have faith.  In myself.  In the choices that I make daily regarding myself and my children’s well being.  Will I screw up from time to time?  Hell yes, I am only human after all.  I’m learning to give myself more credit.  I have made it on this planet for 33 years and haven’t died, killed anyone, I’ve never caused any riots or committed violent or dishonest crimes.  I’ve done something with my life.  A lot of things I’m very proud of.  Which means ultimately, I deserve to give myself a bit more credit.

Do you all self doubt?  Always striving for the best.  But where is the point of measure?  What’s the goal?  In theory – because it is life, the goal line, like the horizon, is not an ever fixed mark.  It stretches on and on infinitely.  Which perhaps, is why they say its the journey, not the destination.

Since starting this blog post, I had a topic come up that I want to take a moment and just stand on my soap box…

If someone who really knows you, asks you what’s wrong, in a sincere tone.  And you know that they genuinely love and care for you… saying “I don’t know.” simply ends up meaning one thing.  It means that in my head, I’ll be thinking “Bullshit!”  Deep down, we know what is wrong. Saying “I don’t know” to that person simply means that you’re too scared to speak up about whatever it is.  They can see and hear something is off, so speak up!  They love you – they won’t bite!

Thank you!  Goodnight!

Giving self doubt the finger!

It’s been a whirlwind of a few weeks.  Between work, kids, life, counseling, and those nearest and dearest to me…. I’ve been a busy girl.  I’ve been begging for the photos from my latest boudoir session and tonight, they were delivered.  It’s been strange going through them.  The thoughts that go through your head when you see photos of yourself.  Superficial, self conscious, self destructive thoughts…  and in order to prove to myself that I can win over those things… I’m going to post a couple here.  Self doubt – this is me giving you the finger.

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Are those really my legs?  No way.  I know that’s my tattoo.. but really?!  Cuz maybe it’s just me.. but DAMN!  Where’d THEY come from?!

When I look in the mirror, I see a woman.  She’s just starting to show her age, a couple of grey hairs, a couple of laugh lines forming in the face.  Her body, shows that she’s had 3 children.  When I look in the mirror, every flaw, every roll, every detail that I don’t like, is glaring and obvious.

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In this kind of photography, it seems you focus and capture the essence of what’s so often overlooked by ourselves, and blur out the rest.  You simply hint at the sexuality of it all.

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If only we could see ourselves as others do.  What would we see?  What would be different (in good ways and bad)?  What would be the same, if anything?

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I’m too hard on myself, this I know and understand.  But after spending some time going through these photos tonight, I’ve realized, perhaps, I need to do a little more loving of myself.  Ok, yea, I’m fluffy… but who cares?  Cuz right now, I’m pretty dang proud of who I am.

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