Falling in love

love

Holy shit… This is it… It’s finally happened.

I think I can honestly say.. I am falling in love.  It’s incredible.  It’s been so long.. actually… no, it’s never happened before in my life.

Who? You must be wondering…is the lucky soul who caught my attention?

Well, I’ll tell you.  The person I’m falling for… is ME.

Hehe.  Ok – so maybe “falling in love” might be a weird way to put it.  But it’s the truth!  On St. Patty’s Day, I got the keys to my new place.  The next day, Friday, the movers came to pack up all of mine and the kids stuff into the big truck and take it to our new house.  I’ve officially been living there for 5 days and I can honestly say – it’s fricken amazing!

Ok yes, there have been a myriad of little problems pop up – but nothing completely unhandle-able.  And yes, I may or may not have gotten a bit freaked out by a scary noise one evening when I was by myself.  But hey – the cat’s likely enjoyed watching me sneak down the hallway in my pj’s, holding a sword that was entirely too heavy to be usable – going “Who’s there?!” lol.  But these are the memories I can and will laugh at, when I look back at the whole house buying experience.

It’s only been a few days – but it’s already starting to come together and look like a home.  A home I’m insanely proud of, and crave coming home to.  I don’t think i’ve ever had that before.  Where I truly crave just being there.  It’s a foreign feeling to me, but it’s a darn good sign that I made the right choice.

This morning, I woke up, snuggled with my kids for a few minutes and then decided that after 4 days of wearing sweats and shirts with holes in them (moving is dirty stuff).. I put on a dress.  I did my hair.  I put on my makeup.  And I strolled out of the house feeling like  a million bucks.  Life is damn good.

I may be fluffy, and I may be single… but damn… for the first time in my life… I love myself.  And that’s an amazing thing.

Kisses to you Neverland.  Much love.

lipstick kiss

Couch surfing…

6813891569_d04c393e7e_b

Ok , this title is a bit misleading… but only sort of.  I talked to my Dad tonight.  I asked if it would be possible, on weekends when I don’t have the kids, if I could come stay with him and the family.  I was nervous, as I wasn’t entirely sure what he would say.  But he was kind and sweet and caring and said that I am always welcome.  He asked me what was going on and I shared.  To sum it up – I need some space.  The energy in the house, when the kids aren’t around has been negative and depressing lately and I honestly can’t stand it.  I find it to be making me anxious and since I’m not typically an anxious kind of person, it helps me realize just how much I need a break from it.

I may go check into a hotel somewhere, I may go stay at a friends, and now, if I need to, I have the option of staying with my dad.  Having those options makes me feel better about things.

My housemates and I sat down and discussed budgets and plans.  I am planning on being out of here and into a new place by April 1st.  And no, that’s no fools joke.  I feel better now that we all sat down and planned things out.  Everyone is on the same page.  I know what I have to contribute to the house, and worked out a very detailed budget for myself in order to meet the savings goals I have set.  All of that, plus my tax return and my bonus, I will be more than capable of buying a home and covering the moving costs and having a small cushion for those home owner surprises that are bound to come up.  I’m proud of myself.  I’m not always very good at speaking up.  I’m far too often “the nice one” who ends up being a doormat.  And I’m not doing that now.  I’m taking care of me and the kids first – everyone else comes after that.  It’s a first for me.  And oddly – it feels good.

happiness

Today was day 1 of 3 of a very intense review session of the work I’ve been doing since October.  So far, things are going very well.  I’m proud, and relieved, and nervous as there are still 2 more days of this.  Everything I’ve been building and documenting and testing is being analyzed and picked apart.  I have to have reasoning and data to support every decision I’ve made and have to have contingency plans already prepped and ready in case something isn’t approved.  It’s been a very long few months with a ton of hours, even travel to get this far.  In roughly 2 weeks, my part of this project will be complete.  Another check in the box, another project to add to my portfolio – but this one is a bit different.  It’s the first time I’ve looked at this industry (TV and cable) and in the past, I’d probably pass on it.  It wasn’t glamorous or exciting enough.  But I’m trying to build the start of something to re-shape and re-think the way we think about our TV’s.  It’s not there yet – but it will be…and it’s kind of cool. 🙂

Well – I better get some sleep.  Another long day tomorrow.  Thankfully, no reviews tomorrow, just a day full of meetings with all my direct reports.  Goodnight neverland.

lipstick kiss

Go Away

selfdoubt

Why can’t my own stupid self doubt just go away?  I mean, seriously?!  You rear your stupid ugly head when I least expect it.. when it’s the last thing on the planet I want.

I’m always so worried about what other people want, what will make them happy or content.  But so often, I find myself wondering if that’s just dumb?  If something is wrong, or if someone is upset about something, perhaps what I really need to do is wait and trust that when they’re ready – they’ll come talk to me.  Rather than bugging them to tell me.  Perhaps the right path is really to just continue to enjoy the blissful happiness that my home life has become.  And truly, it really has become just that.  Perhaps the reason I don’t do that, or at least haven’t been able to is because somewhere in my twisted brain, I think that if I allow myself to just embrace my own happiness, that I’ll be blind sided and not see something horrible if/when it comes along.  But living in doubt, or fear of a “what if” is just plain silly.  Not to mention, living in that fear and doubt prevents me from truly experiencing that over the top happiness that I so desperately seek.

My family got a dog today.  He’s so cute.  He’s an older dog.  We adopted him from a local shelter.  I think he’s going to make an excellent member of the family.  And that has me so overjoyed.

The house is coming together beautifully.  I put up some pictures today that really made me smile.  I have so much planned out for the next few weeks that I’m off.  More art going on the walls, going to tackle a bunch of gardening, even attempt to refinish some furniture.  It’s going to be epic!  🙂  And it’s so nice to have a break from work.  To not have to do anything for the job that I don’t want to do.

Tomorrow, I’ve got a few fairly major things to take care of.  One in particular, I’m pretty dang nervous about.  My only hope is that it turns out the way I need it to.  That’s just how it has to be.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk soon.

The move is complete…

Well, almost.  Tomorrow, I have to go meet the carpet cleaners at the house and then later tomorrow night, I have 1800Junk folks coming to pick up the last remaining load of randomness.  But that’s it.  It’s finished.  Now the unpacking begins.  The debates and compromises over what gets to stay and what gets to be donated or sold or trashed.  I love decorating a new home.  So far, in the 2 days we’ve been here, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching the house slowly turn into a home.  I didn’t expect to feel it.  Funny, my last house didn’t ever feel like a home.  I thought it was because I never fully unpacked, but here I sit, surrounded by boxes and I’m already starting to feel it.  A connection.  It’s just a house.  A house that I never thought would grow on me.. but it has.  Twice today, I had to stop myself from buying a few flowers to plant in the front garden.  Flowers and gardens are NOT a priority at this point.

daisy

I’m worried for my grandfather.  He’s not well.  He’s 90 years old and while I recognize that he’s had a long, full, amazing life; I’m not ready to live in a world where he’s not there to talk to or get advice from.  I’ve been telling myself for a few years now that this might be all we get.. that I should continue to make time to see both my grandparents now because they might not be here much longer.  Weird how we try and prepare ourselves for pain and grief… and yet.. in reality, there is nothing you can do to prepare.  It hurts.. plain and simple.

I’m a combination of all sorts of things today… exhausted from moving and packing and unpacking, frazzled from doing all of that with a 3 year old who wants to be mommy’s shadow and help pack up boxes I just unpacked, stressed with work related stuff per usual, hurting from a few ailments that decided to be mean heartless cruel pests during this move, and heartbroken and worried over my grandfather.  I’ve broken down more than a few times crying in the last couple of days.

shoes

On one hand… I’ve never been this happy in all my life.  I’ve never experienced the amount of hope for my future that I do right now.  It’s incredible.  I feel safe, and loved and happy for the first time… gosh, maybe ever in my life.  I don’t think I’ve ever really felt loved.  Ever. teardrop  BUT … on the other hand.. I’m bogged down with every stress, every frustration, every heart wrenching worry that my mind can throw at me.  I’m so scared to let everyone down.  I’m scared that if I fall apart, everyone will leave.  Ok, maybe not everyone, but the ones I really care about, the true ones that matter, I would be absolutely devastated to lose them.

It’s been a while…

I get this weird mood when I know I need to sit and write.  Or worse, when it’s been too long since I’ve sat down and just released the thoughts.  In fact, I even give myself away.  I’ll start looking for people to chit chat with.  To sit and talk about good things.. life, love, music, food.. whatever.  And sometimes, when you feel like you need to talk to someone… everyone’s busy.  Life happens.  That’s typically when I’ll sit and write.  Hence my post tonight.

I’m moving.  The house is slowly transforming from a home to a pile of boxes in empty rooms.  I can’t believe the time has come. I’m both nervous and excited.  It’s a strange battle of the opposites in my head.  Elation and yet worry.  🙂  So I’m just doing my best to have faith.  In myself.  In the choices that I make daily regarding myself and my children’s well being.  Will I screw up from time to time?  Hell yes, I am only human after all.  I’m learning to give myself more credit.  I have made it on this planet for 33 years and haven’t died, killed anyone, I’ve never caused any riots or committed violent or dishonest crimes.  I’ve done something with my life.  A lot of things I’m very proud of.  Which means ultimately, I deserve to give myself a bit more credit.

Do you all self doubt?  Always striving for the best.  But where is the point of measure?  What’s the goal?  In theory – because it is life, the goal line, like the horizon, is not an ever fixed mark.  It stretches on and on infinitely.  Which perhaps, is why they say its the journey, not the destination.

Since starting this blog post, I had a topic come up that I want to take a moment and just stand on my soap box…

If someone who really knows you, asks you what’s wrong, in a sincere tone.  And you know that they genuinely love and care for you… saying “I don’t know.” simply ends up meaning one thing.  It means that in my head, I’ll be thinking “Bullshit!”  Deep down, we know what is wrong. Saying “I don’t know” to that person simply means that you’re too scared to speak up about whatever it is.  They can see and hear something is off, so speak up!  They love you – they won’t bite!

Thank you!  Goodnight!