Tag: happiness

F That Noise!

JenLeave a comment

angry

Not going to lie… I’m frustrated.  More frustrated than I’ve been in a while.  You would think that I would get used to feeling frustrated, especially when my family is involved… and yet, here I am, feeling a bit blindsided once again.

So it’s been a busy week.  I’ve had a few phone interviews, all materializing into in person ones next week.  On the “Find Jen a new Job” front… things are moving along.  But I also got a letter from unemployment this week.  They are reviewing my application and it could take 3-5 weeks to be completed.  So until then… no money for me.  And my severance money from my previous job will not be mailed out until the end of august.  That money will be a good chunk of money to keep me going until spring should I so desire.

Thankfully, I saved some for a rainy day.  It’s enough to cover my house payment.  Which – obviously means it’s not enough – but at least I had that.  I’ve never been out of work for very long, and I am confident that I’ll land one of these jobs.  But I’m frustrated with this strange place of finding myself in a bind.

This morning, I sucked up my pride and I called my dad.  Perhaps he could loan me a little in order to float until I get my severance.  Hell – charge me interest I don’t care.  He wasn’t available to talk to and I put it out of my head.  This evening, I got an earful.  A guilt trip piled on extra thick.  He even ended it with pressuring me to sell the house.

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I’m sorry what?!

… FUCK that!

I’ve come too far… I’ve fought too long and too hard… that is absolute BULLSHIT right there.  And where the hell is the faith Dad?!  I’ve been out of work once in 12 years.  And that one time… it took me approximately 45 days to land a job that made 40K more than the one I’d lost.  If only I had my severance right now… but it’s coming!  I’m not a TOTAL loser here!!  Why does it always feel like my family thinks the absolute worst of me?  What the hell do I have to do to prove to these people that I’m not a fuck up?  I may screw up here and there, but overall… I’m more often than not on a solid positive track in the right direction.

I came home, pouted and cried a little… paced and stewed a little… and figured I’d let some of it out here.  I don’t know, maybe this is my dad’s form of tough love, but honestly, between him and my mom – I’ve had all the tough love I can possibly stand.  I’d just like some real, genuine love for a little bit.  Is that too much to ask?  Some support, a kind word of encouragement and the faith to know that I’ve got this handled… ok so yea, maybe there’s a small blip in things thanks to our government right now… but damn it… I’ve got this.  Ok?!

Goodnight Neverland.  🙂

Sunday night thoughts

Jen1 Comment

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Tonight I spent some time quietly just sitting and reflecting.  Truthfully, I don’t do this enough.  It has been a busy weekend.  We had friends and their children stay the weekend with us.  I don’t think the house has ever had that many people in it, let alone sleeping in it.  It was a lovely weekend, high in energy.  Today, some friends came over for a visit, we watched movies and played Uno.  It was a lovely way to finish out the busy weekend, but I think what really helped to calm and center me was simply to light a few candles and sit cross-legged on my couch and just be in the moment.

It’s interesting, society spends so much time trying to distract themselves from living in the moment.  Movies, video games, social media, food, alcohol, drugs…. all of these things we use to disappear into.  Trying desperately to fill a hole in their lives that they may not even fully realize is there, let alone have the know-how on filling it.  It would be a lie to say that I’m not one of those people.  But every now and then, typically after I’ve had a loud, overstimulating few days, I have to just stop everything and just breathe.

I think I know how to fill it.  I think it comes with time and age, and just learning to understand who you are at the core of your being.  And accepting it for what is. But I’m also good at trying to fill a void.  🙂  And there are a few for me… more than a few.  I have a rich and full life.  A wonderfully large family, whom I see often, a variety of friends who are as near and dear to me as family should be, I have my children who I have very close relationships with… even loving pets whom I adore.   And yet, sometimes, I’m lonely.  It’s silly really – as I rarely have alone time, so how on earth can one feel lonely… but it’s the honest truth.

I spent some time thinking about that too tonight.  Why do we desire to share our lives with someone else… especially when we think about the fact that the journey we each walk down is ours and ours alone.  So logically, if that’s the case, then you will never truly be able to share your life with someone.  OR… I suppose you could look at it the other way – you share your life with anyone and everyone who touches it… to what degree and the depth that you share will vary and depend on a variety of variables.  My god I sound like an engineer.  I know, I overthink everything! 🙂

I’ve been in the new house almost 3 months now.  It’s amazing how time flies.  Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here so much longer than that, and other times, it feels like it was just yesterday that we moved in.  I think a part of that is just because of the swirl of other tests life has thrown at me since we got here.  I’m so proud to be here.  To own my own place.  I have a solid plan in motion on getting it paid off, and in a few years, I intend to invest in something additional – either property or business-wise.  It’s fun, knowing that those goals are not only in front of me, but very much attainable.  🙂

I’m looking forward to the summer.  Between my little garden (next year’s will be bigger if I have anything to say about it), my art, my children, my work and my new kayaks… I think the summer days will be quite filled with a lot of fun.

I’m building a full on art studio in my house.  It’s been quite a thrill so far to start putting together.  When I’m finished, I think I will finally have my dream studio space.  It’ll take me a couple of years to really get it where I want to, but I will get there.  🙂  I’m even making one of the rooms a photography studio – something I’ve been dreaming of having for about 5 years now.

Little pieces of my life, long-loved interests and hobbies are all finally starting to come together and find a place in my life.  It’s interesting to me.  I’d never have guessed that it would take me risking everything and breaking out on my own in order to find confidence in being myself.  At my core, I always saw myself as being fairly confident… but it’s only the last 5 months or so that I really feel like I’ve come into my own.  I see myself now.  All of me.  Not just the good parts and not just the bad.  I care about my own well-being.  Funny, I think I’d stopped.  Maybe I had given up?  Maybe losing Ben and my husband and my family and my friends did more to me than I gave it credit for.

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In the last few weeks, I feel a bit like Andy, from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”; when he climbs out of the sewer pipe and strips himself from the final rags from the prison and just stands in the pouring rain, drinking it all in.  Living life, even with all the scary parts, with all the pain, or insecurities, the grief, … is a spectacular thing.  I wouldn’t give up a single moment of it.  And I refuse to be one of those people who sit by and just accept the monotonous daily grind… especially when adventures can begin anywhere with anything.

My daughter is learning about gardening this year.  She has a few plants that she is growing all on her own, and even something as simple as a strawberry plant… watching it grow from seed to plant, growing and tending it, and now… the joy of the first few berries… has been an adventure for us all.  Researching a new subject for a painting or cartoon is an adventure.  Going on a weekend to explore a new city is an adventure.  Exploring the nearby lakes with my new kayak, all the wildlife and amazing scenery – these are all the adventures I’ve got going on in my world these days.  And it’s these types of adventures… that continue to fuel me and bring me so much happiness.

So to you, Neverland, go have an adventure this week.  I know I will.  🙂

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Beginning to bloom

JenLeave a comment

It was a lovely weekend, much of it spent in my yard.  My best friend, J came over and she and my daughter and I tackled the task of filling my front beds, as well as rescuing and potting some tomato plants from another friend’s yard.  My daughter decided she wanted to choose a garden bed and make it her own and it was lovely to see her thoroughly enjoying herself as she worked in the dirt with us.  This evening we walked the beds and just admired all our hard work, the tomatoes that were almost dead are now standing proud and now even have little yellow blossoms blooming.  We planted lavender, and gardenia, and daisies (one of my favorites).  We went a little crazy – but the front beds were completely bare – so it felt good to jazz them up.

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J was such a joy to hang out with this weekend.  She and I have a ball hanging out together, as we’re quite alike in many ways.  I find that anytime spent with her is usually spent laughing and just generally having a fun, good time.

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I am taking a trip up to Canada in a couple weeks and told her I wanted to pick up a few things before I go, so after spending some time in the garden, we went shopping.  While we were out, she found a dress that was within the restrictions I had placed on me.  I’m the “Best Man” for my brother’s wedding in September, and the bride has very specific tastes and requirements, it’s made finding a dress that I am also comfortable with VERY challenging.  When she held up this dress from the clearance rack – I was shocked and couldn’t contain my laughter, but then I looked at the size and thought “No way will it fit me.” She pushed me to try it on anyway.   And I hated it.  But guess what?!  It was TOO BIG!  J could grab 2 fistfuls of fabric in the back.  HOLY CRAP!

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It had me thinking… my brain has wired itself to believe it’s a certain size.  And now that I’m slowly dropping below that size, it’s strange and jarring to discover when I’m wrong.  It was a lovely feeling to be wrong.  That surprise however, did push me to go peek at other dresses and, shock of a lifetime, I purchased two on sale. (Side note:  I’m NOT a female who enjoys shopping.  Never have.  Unless we’re shopping at a nursery, a farmers market, a hardware or home shop or an art supply shop – then it’s game on!  But even then, I’m one of those people who is quickly in and then out.  I don’t have to go down every aisle and I like to just get it done.)

I didn’t get the rest I was hoping to get this weekend, but I’m happy that it turned out the way it did.  I got my new desk sorta put together.  The top needs to be secured on – but even as it sits right now – it’s not going anywhere.  We got a lot of the office set up, and I have a handy man coming on Wednesday to finish putting up some of the shelves I so desperately want for storage.  I’m tired of my stuff being in boxes.  Once the office is set up, I’ve made the decision to turn the spare room into a photography “studio” for J to use on a regular basis for Boudoir or anything else that seems appropriate.  I’ll set it up somewhat like a hotel room (which will be great for guests who stay over), and maybe one other scene/set up.  It will be a lot cheaper for J than renting hotel rooms for these events, and eventually, we could even find ways to swap out with additional furniture or backdrops and maybe even build some light boxes into the room.  It will be a fun side project.

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Oy!  I have a lot of side projects going on right now.  Between work, the garden, various projects around the house (plus we’re still unpacking), the various events and things my kids get into, and other activities planned out for the summer, it’s been quite a whirlwind.  And to top it off – I bought a kayak tonight.  🙂  I love going out, it’s just a simple one for lakes and rivers (for now), but I’ll take it.  🙂  It’s great exercise and I love getting out on the water.  Now I just need to go buy a new life jacket.

I am VERY excited for my little getaway in two weeks.  I really need a chance to take a breath.  To relax and just take a day or two where I don’t have to think about work, or my daughter.  I’ve arranged for everyone to be looked after, and I will hop on a plane on Friday and perhaps get a chance to explore a new city, meet someone new, eat some good food, check out a farmer’s market and just slow it down for a weekend.  I’ve booked what looks to be a nice room in a larger hotel, they even have a hot tub and a masseuse (YES PLEASE?!).  I’ll fly back home Sunday evening.  I’m a little nervous, as I’ve never been a huge fan of airports or flying, but I think it’ll be more than worth it in more ways than one.

I am incredibly hopeful for what lies ahead in my life.  There has been so much goodness popping up and blooming from so many sides.  Yes, there’s been stress… my daughter was sent home from school on friday again, she cannot return until Wednesday.  I can’t wait for summer to get here.  And I’m dreading it all at the same time.  We’re making progress with her – every single day there is progress.  It’s unfortunate that it’s not enough to help her be at 100% yet, especially when handling stress at school.  She has good days, and bad ones.  But me being home, working from home, getting involved in these hobbies together, other people are noticing small changes in her, positive ones.

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Tomorrow, I start on a new treatment for one of my health problems.  I’m excited to get started, and see if there’s a change or a difference made.  If it works, it could alleviate a few very frustrating problems that I have faced on and off consistently for many years.  Fingers are crossed in the hopes for success! 🙂

I’ve had a song stuck in my head for weeks.  It just won’t go away.  I adore the lyrics and keep repeating them over and over in my head.  I often have this problem with songs, but this one in particular just doesn’t want to leave my brain.  Thought I’d share it with you all in case you wanted to look it up and hear it.  🙂

It’s called “Certain things” by James Arthur

Something about you
It’s like an addiction
Hit me with your best shot, honey
I’ve got no reason to doubt you
‘Cause certain things hurt
And you’re my only virtue
And I’m virtually yours

[Pre-Chorus:]
And you keep coming back, coming back again
Keep running round, running round, running round my head

[Chorus:]
And there’s certain things that I adore
And there’s certain things that I ignore
But I’m certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours

[Verse:]
There’s something about you
It’s when you get angry
You have me as your mercy
And you’re like the shoulder to turn to
‘Cause certain things mend us when we’re hanging on for dear life
We held on so tight

[Pre-Chorus:]
And you keep coming back, coming back again
Keep running round, running round, running round my head

[Chorus x2:]
And there’s certain things that I adore
And there’s certain things that I ignore
But I’m certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours

I adore you… I adore you…
Certain that I’m yours

Well – it’s been a long day, I wanted to at least write an update to cover my weekend, but now I should probably get ready for bed and try and get some sleep.  And, to those of you still up – goodnight Neverland.  🙂  Talk again soon.

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It feels good to be home

JenLeave a comment

hearthome

The house is really starting to come together.  The living room is mostly unpacked, same with the kitchen and the dining room.  My bedroom is coming along nicely, as is my daughter’s.  And this weekend, I will make my son’s room awesome while he’s at his dad’s.

A few friends who’ve been over have commented on how it feels like a home.  A place where they just want to come and hang and stay.  That is precisely what I was going for.  Something modern and clean and yet comfortable and inviting.  Where the fridge always has a favorite beverage and there’s always a tasty snack in the kitchen.  Where music is playing through the house or a good movie playing where you can curl up and watch it.

I’ve always wanted my home to be filled with love and laughter and experiences.

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And for the first time, in a very, very long time, I can see that shaping right in front of me.  It’s lovely.  I look forward to coming home everyday.  Maybe it’s the drastic contrast to the last few months with the roomies, but this is pure bliss.  I’ve got a lot of ideas of things I want to do, areas I want to set up… all in good time of course, as those kinds of projects take money to pull off.  But still – the vision is there.

I have a private balcony off my bedroom.  It’s completely private – the only access coming from my room.  I can’t wait to fill it with flowers this summer and sit and watch the sunset on it.  I can’t wait to sip coffee on it in the wee hours of the morning on the days I work from home.

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I bought concert tickets for a concert in September.  My daughter and I are both quite excited for it.  It’s been about a year, maybe even 2 since I’ve been to a concert.  My last one was The Fray.  It was a good concert, although I hadn’t listened to their new CD enough to really enjoy it, as they mostly played songs from it.

My birthday is coming up.  2 years ago, I tried planning a bash.  It sorta backfired on me and was a total flop.  🙂  Last year, I had to think about it.. I think if I remember correctly, I got tickets to go see a comic perform.  But I think the show happened later… which would explain why I don’t remember really doing much of anything last year.  I don’t know – my birthdays just aren’t really a big deal to me.  I love to make a fuss over other people’s birthday… but I feel odd doing that over my own.

I know my family will ask me what I want for my birthday this year, and at least I’ll have a good answer for once.  Stuff for the house.  🙂  Sure, it’s a bit of a cop out answer, but it works!

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Tomorrow night, I’m getting to visit with one of my favorite girlfriends.   We call it “book club” but it’s really just us going out for a glass of wine and getting to have some good quality girl chat. 🙂  I adore them, as much as I adore her.  Now that I’ve moved, I’m further from her than I was before, and before was already quite a long drive even to make the half way point.  But it’s worth it.  🙂  Sometimes, you just need a good laugh with a good girlfriend.

Today I had my final interview for a position with a new company.  Total, I’ve done close to 15 hours of interviews just for this position, but I’m excited, because I think I nailed it.  And this particular opportunity is one that I really want and would be very good at… not to mention, it would be an absolute BLAST.  The only downside to it, would be the commute, as it’s in downtown Seattle.  But I’d figure something out to make that tolerable as well.

I’m quite content right now, with the trajectory things are heading in my life.  I may not have it all figured out, heck, it’s all ever-changing.  But I feel good about it all.  I feel strong, confident, and happy.  Such a good thing.

Much love to you all, Goodnight Neverland!

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We’re a month into the new year…

JenLeave a comment

So much has been going on lately, my apologies for not updating things here.  The single, working mom’s life is interesting.  Never a dull moment!  🙂  Truthfully, things have never been better.  I’m excited for the year to come.

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In approximately 2 months, I will have purchased a home and hopefully be all moved in, or at the very least, in the process of doing so.  I’m so excited, no.. thrilled… no .. no words can truly do justice on this one.

I’ve been allowing myself to dream a little bit when I go to tour places.  It’s so much fun.  I picture where I could put my christmas tree, I picture a place for my office, I picture my decorations or new landscaping, I picture baking or entertaining friends.  I’ve wanted to own a home since I was a kid.  A forever home.  A place that my kids can count on me being when they return home from their adventures and lives elsewhere.  Some place that I could love and restore and add on to.  Sure, eventually I’d like to do some income property of some sort.  But home.  I’ve been in search of it for a few years it seems.  It’s about time I give it some priority and bring that little dream to life.

Puppy training is going well.  Today especially.  A new friend suggested I treat it a bit like role playing, and I think that helped a bit.  It was a definite confidence boost.  🙂 I’ve been struggling to “Be the Alpha”.  I’ve never played the bad cop well.. I’m the good cop.  The one with the hug, a cup of tea and a cookie.  The cheerleader and encourager, not the punisher or enforcement.  This is a trait I will learn.  I’m determined to be a good dog owner.  I know I’m a good cat owner.  Kitties and I have great understanding.  🙂  I adore dogs too, the cuddles and the snores and the companionship. I just have to get a bit better at it. 🙂

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I’m almost done with building out a new piece of software at work.  It’s just a base for what I really want to be able to do, but it’s such a huge step for this company from a technology standpoint that I’m already super excited and proud about it.  It’s been a crazy push to make it to these deadlines.  Heck, it’s 10:30pm on a sunday and I literally just logged off from putting in 5 hours tonight just to get a little ahead for my morning. But, I’m excited for the coming week ahead, now that I’m feeling a bit clearer in the head, I have some ideas I can’t wait to prototype out this week.

My kids spent the weekend with their Dad and I had the nice opportunity to go out with some friends, play some video games, and just generally enjoy myself and recover from the miserable head cold I’d managed to come down with last week. It’s nice to be in a good place with the ex too.  Granted, we haven’t had issues in quite some time now, but I started thinking today about how lucky I have it in that regards.  We communicate better now than we ever had.  He seems to be happy and doing well in his life and he knows that deep down, I’m still rooting for him to succeed in all that he dreams.  It’s nice to be in this kind of space.

I’ve had the chance to reconnect with a few old friends in the last couple of weekends and it’s been really nice to catch up and just take a few moments and not have any responsibilities or requirements other than to just be me.  I get wrapped up in so many things… being a boss, being a mom, being a friend, being a daughter or granddaughter.  It’s rare these days for me to get to just focus on being me.  A friend challenged me to figure out a way to discover that I’m a beautiful woman this year.  So I’ve been attempting to learn that.  Got my hair done, as it had been a while.  Did my nails, it had been a while on that one too.  I think I came to the realization that my friend may be right when, after taking a couple of selfies, I was in surprise at the woman staring back at me.  That’s not me.  But it is.  And she’s … pretty.  And confident.  And there’s a bit of wisdom in her eyes that I didn’t know was there.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about my life this past week.  About bucket lists and resolutions.  I’ve never really been one to do that kind of thing.  Of course, I do have a Bucket list, it can be found on this blog… but that was a first for me too.  🙂  I didn’t come up with any resolutions this year.  Mainly because I felt that if I worded them that way, I wouldn’t actually accomplish them.  I’ve simply been reminding myself each day with a quote I stumbled upon on Pinterest.  Odd place to find something so life affirming, but there it is.

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“You only have one life.  How exactly are you going to spend it?  Regretting?  Questioning?  Crying?  Hating yourself?  Running around after people who don’t give a shit about you?  You have one life.  Spend it well.  Go out, and make yourself proud.”

It’s about damn time that I remember that, and live up to it every day.  Sure I’ll falter here and there.  Self doubt – it’s something at least I can count on to show up… but I’m definitely NOT going to keep holding myself back.  I’m finally starting to understand not only who I am, but what I bring to the world.  My worth.  It’s lovely.  It’s empowering.  Nothing big or flashy… but a nice warmth from the gut kind of thing.

Well neverland, it’s time to log off.  Need to get some sleep.  Sleep well and dream sweet!

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