I received an email from my landlord this week. The owners we4re moving back and we need to be out by May 31st…and honestly…I am seriously stressed over it.  I’m handling the stress pretty dang well, all things considered.  Tonight I took inventory of the stuff in the house.  Wow. First off, I have a LOT of stuff.  The ex took a lot with him when he left, and still has more to come and take, and I STILL have a lot of stuff.  Funny, when you walk around my current house – it’s oddly sparse and empty – but it’s a 5000 square foot house.  The bro tried to make me feel better about all of it…”It’s a house worth of stuff.”  And yea, he’s right, but what really struck me was that it was a life’s worth.  A family’s worth.  Please don’t misunderstand.  It wasn’t sadness or longing that struck me.  I have absolutely NO desire to go back to that life.  I was so unhappy.  My kids were so unhappy.  What struck me was acceptance.  Trying to go through it all and decide what to keep and what to donate or sell.  Half the time I’d look through a pile of stuff or a collection of furniture and say “Chuck it all!”  Ok maybe it’s spring cleaning?  Out of an entire garage worth of stuff, I found maybe 3 boxes (and my scooter) that I want to keep.  That’s it!  I guess that should make moving a breeze.

Money.  God I hate it.  Have I ever said that? 😉  I do pretty well for myself – most of the time. Hence why I bought a car recently.  I was expecting to renew my lease another 6 months before thinking about moving.  Then the garnishment caught up with me. 25% of every paycheck and can I just say – DAMN that’s enough to really feel it.  But it’s only for 60 days.  I can ride that out.  Now, add up the cost of moving, first month’s rent, deposit money, plus the rent I’ll still have to pay at the old place up through May.  I know there’s a likelihood that folks will be willing to work with me a little.  I have a solid rental history.  Clear background.  Solid references and steady job history.  But my credit – always makes them do something mean like double the asking deposit…and I just don’t have it.

My mom gave me a bunch of grief about not having enough in savings. Actually – that’s not quite right – she assumed I had nothing in savings, which just burned me up a bit.  First off – none of her business.  And to prove that – I said “Mom – ok you tell me how much YOU have in savings.”  She of course wouldn’t answer that.  I have savings.  But it’s not enough to cover all of this.   She and the step dad also advised me not to ask the grandparents.  And they had valid reasons for it.  But that was going to be my next step.  Once I receive the deposit from the house i’m in now (20 days after I move out) … I can cover it all.

I’m going to go have dinner with my real dad.  Going to see if he has any side work I can do.  It takes a lot of me sucking up my own pride to go see my dad.  And it’s a weird mixed emotional bag…. part of me is excited to see him.  He’s my dad.  I’ll see my bro and I really like my dad’s new wife.  They are fun to hang out with.  But I also hate the fakeness of it all.  I hate the ache that I get when I see my dad interact with his kids.  He didn’t ever want to interact with me in that sense.  I hate the judging that happens.  I see this man maybe once a year… and everytime I do, it’s both lovely and wonderful and weird and awkward and awful and painful all at the same time.  He gets very affectionate – which throws me off… I don’t need a grown man I don’t know or trust to be all kissy kissy and tell me how much he loves me.  If that were true – we wouldn’t have the relationship we do.  Be real with me!  You had no qualms with telling me to my face that I was not good enough growing up.  That I’m overweight and can’t do what others do because of it.  That I am not at all a part of him, just my mother’s twin.  I know the lecture I’m going to get.  I know that you will do everything in your power to make me feel inferior, maybe not on purpose – but that’s how I will feel.  I know that I will have to sit and grin and bear it while I am in your home.  And I will.  I’m polite that way.  I know that you will get nosy and try and get details on every single aspect that is my life, and point out everywhere I’ve gone wrong…as if you were perfect.  Mister I cheated on every woman I’ve been with (hoping not the new wife tho, cuz honestly, she’s a gem and I adore her) and didn’t even have the decency to tell your daughter and family and that you had another child until he was 12 years old.  Or how about the guy who didn’t even call me when my grandmother passed away… or invite me to her memorial. Yea – you have every right to sit back and judge me.  The worst crime I’ve done is be overweight.  OOOOOHHHH…. lock me up and throw away the f-ing key.  I’m down a LOT of weight – and I know you’ll point it out.  I’m sure you’ll pretend to root for me and then lay on your lectures about how I need to live my life. I love the man… very much – but I also feel so conflicted about it all. Ugh – can you tell I’m looking forward to this visit?  NOT!  I look forward to seeing everyone else – But him.  I know I’m going to need some serious hugs and kisses and love when I leave.  A sanity check.

I will look at finding freelance work too, as much as I don’t want to.  In the past, freelance has always gotten me out of the occasional pinch.  I looked into tapping into my 401K but I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to do that.  It’ll be my very last resort.

I don’t even know where we’re going to move to.  I have some appointments set for this weekend.  But that scares me too.  $$ for application fees, credit checks, then they’ll want a deposit right there to hold the place and Bam! I lose the house.

I’ve gone back and forth with myself on whether to go on this mini vacation next weekend.  Whether it’s responsible with all that’s going on…but every time, I come back to the same conclusion.  Quite frankly, I need the get away.  I need a chance to recharge, unwind, quiet the mind a little.  I’ve spent 4 months effectively trying to drink from the fire hose at work.  I’m doing it for the most part.  The mind has been trying to soak everything up and it is a daunting task.  Bigger and more complicated than 10 times anything I’ve ever taken on before.  I love it.  Although the learning curve has given me a few moments here and there where I just felt awkward and dumb. I’ll get there.

 

Happy Friday Y’all!