Tag: divorce

Communication and self change

JenLeave a comment

exhausted

What a day.  I’m flat out wiped.  And oh so ready for bed, but I wanted to let some of what is in my head out on to the page.  I was up at 6, got the kids ready to go to the zoo with Grandma and Grandpa.  Grayson has been a constant bundle of energy the last few days.  Being 3, he quickly wears us all out.  But I remember this stage with the mini-me.  Heck, and Logan, my step son as well.  We’ll get through it.  Went to work and had quite a few battles and challenges laid at my feet.  Ok, more than a few, and there was a moment, about half way through a 4 hour meeting when I wanted to stand up and question the sanity of some of the folks in the room, but I’ll figure this out.  I always do.  Somehow.  I tend to be the first person to doubt myself, but I refuse to do so this time.  I’m making leaps and bounds within myself.  I bet from the outside, it doesn’t appear that way.  But it’s true.

I’ve been worrying over something the last few days.  I knew I needed to broach a subject with the bro and I’ve been really procrastinating about doing it.  I didn’t want to start a fight.  I try very hard to maintain a drama-free world, when it’s in my power to control.  I’ve spent a few days trying to plan out how I wanted to talk to him, how best to approach him to keep him from getting defensive or upset.  I talked with my parents about it when I went to pick up the kids.  What is “it” you’re probably wondering?  I have to remind myself that this is my honest zone.  My one place I’ve deemed safe…that if I can’t do this here, who or where can I?  Sigh.

used

I’ve been feeling used.  In a big way.  And it’s coming from a couple of sources.  The ex and the bro.

The ex – I try and remember the source.  Yes, his new button he’s enjoying pushing surprised me a bit.  Apparently, now I’m not giving enough.  I argued too much.  Oh – and everything he said or did while on alcohol?  It doesn’t count if he makes his amends.  Therefore I have no choice but to forgive.  And believe me when I say, I actually am working on that.  Forgiveness doesn’t come easily, but I am learning how to move forward.  I’m proud of that.  Fiercely proud of that.  I asked him to contribute towards daycare tonight.  If I’m going to put the lil’ man into daycare/preschool, it would be nice if the financial burden didn’t rest solely on my shoulders.  I’m not asking for half, I knew he wouldn’t go for it, but I did ask that he cover the cost for 1 day each week.  That seems quite reasonable to me.  Thankfully, he didn’t feel like arguing me on it.  Although who knows what will happen once the bill actually starts coming in.  But I’ll cross that bridge later.

The bro, my roommate.  Sigh.  In some ways, he does a lot around here.  But in other ways, meh.   I pay for everything he wants (within reasons) or needs.  I’ve lent him my vehicles for transportation, have taken him on trips, paid for his medications and habits.  The situation with him is tricky for me, because I love the guy.  NOT in a romantic sense.  My god – ew no.  I swear we were siblings in another life.  He’s been there for me when no one else was, many, many times.  Although during those times, I also helped and provided for him too.  But I’ve heard from a couple of sources lately that he’s been talking negatively behind my back.  The sources aren’t 100% reliable, so I don’t really know what to think.  One warned me that the bro is “playing both sides”.  I don’t know how to feel about that.  Part of me feels really, really hurt.  Part of me is mad at myself.  I am perfectly capable of not having a roommate and doing this on my own.  I don’t have to help him as much as I do, but why not?  I have so much, and he has so little.  And he’s my friend.  Isn’t that what friends are for?  To help you when you fall?  To motivate you when you need a little push?  I know that other people think I’m being used.  And sometimes, I admit, I feel that way too, but not all the time.  My mom wanted me to give him notice.  30 days.  My step dad disagreed with her.  He understood.  I can’t do that.  If that makes me naïve or silly or stupid, so be it.  But I knew I needed to talk to him about it.  We’ve gotten pretty good with our communication lately.  I came home and broached the subject.  Wasn’t hard, as he could tell something was up, it was written all over my face.  Apparently my face is more expressive than I realize.  I told him that while I appreciate all that he’s done to help me here.  I need to take control back of my own life.  I need to get my lil’ man into preschool and get him up to speed, he needs the social interaction.  I said that I’d help continue to guide him with freelance so that he could earn an income.  Give himself a start.  I won’t do it for long, but I can’t just drop him either.  It went really well.  He seemed to understand the gravity of the situation.  He denied having talked badly (of course) but he knows my blinders are off and I’m sure will be hesitant to cause much drama right now.  He talked about his plans moving forward.  I’ve seen a lot of motivation and work from him lately in the design aspect of things.  I think he’s got a fire under his butt.  It’s encouraging.  I just hope it holds.

calvin_yell

Funny, I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum swing when it comes to communication and conflict.  When I was young, I had quite the mouth on me.  I was loud.  I loved to debate.  I could argue circles around anyone, and found it fun to push people’s buttons.  As I got older, and life threw tests my way, I swung the opposite end of that swing.  I avoided conflict.  I got quiet. During conflict, I’d go almost submissive. Others knew something was wrong if I’d go quiet.  Now a days… I feel like I’ve landed in a really healthy place.  Conflict still makes me nervous.  And I do everything I can leading up to it, to prevent or cool it down… But I push myself to speak up.  To stay calm, to try and keep others calm, but to still try and communicate what’s bothering me.  It’s not always easy… hell, sometimes it may take me a day or so to build up the courage, but doing this, my relationships with others are healthier, and I feel like my needs and opinions are at least heard.

changemyself

Growth.  Evidence of my self change.  Looking back at the last 2 years, I’ve grown and changed so much.  I’m not a doormat anymore.  Or … at least I seem to be pulling myself up so that I’m not going to be anymore.  But I’m not a rude, cold bitch about it either.  Kindness, firmness, love, positivity, grace….. I embrace those qualities as often as I can.  I’m damn proud of myself tonight.  Even though I am exhausted.  Even though I haven’t figured out everything that’s laid at my feet.  I’m still leaving today’s battlegrounds feeling victorious.

Tomorrow, I’ll put my war paint back on and wage my battle cry.  🙂  Is it odd that sometimes I imagine everyone as orcs (hence the war paint and battle cry’s).  Now that would be an interesting comic.  Orcs waging war from the cubicle.  😀  Ok, enough of my random thoughts.

Goodnight neverland.  Much love.  XXO!

 

Life… and death, babies, marriage and divorce

Jen2 Comments

life

I struggled to come up with an appropriate title for this post.  I know what I’m going to start rambling about, and quite frankly, it’s not an upbeat topic.  But I don’t want you to think that I’m writing this from a negative or a particularly sad point of view.  I am not.  And maybe that, in and of itself makes this a strange post.  I write this post with a calm understanding that I wouldn’t have expected from myself.

A family member who I love and look up to has a health problem.  They are old.  They’ve lived a rich, full, amazing life.  This family member has had health issues on and off for a few years, it is what happens when you get old.  In the last couple of years, we’ve had a few little scares here and there.  And whether or not a particular scare comes to fruition and we then have to experience another loss has yet to be seen, but the more scares that we face, the more I am reminded that there are just some things you cannot escape from.  As our parents and grandparents age, this is something we all have to deal with.  I think what makes it worse is that one will often seem to spur another.  It’s a strange cycle really.

Another friend is currently laid up in the hospital on serious bed rest.  She’s having twins and one of the twins isn’t doing very well.  I was asked for some advice on how to navigate the NICU and a variety of other things that are scary to discuss.  No one wants to think of such negative things when they are pregnant.  I hate that I’m the person people can come to for advice on that kind of thing.  I’m happy to give it, and I shower them with as much positivity and love and understanding as I possibly can when that does come up, but I still hate that.  I worry for them.  I worry for their little ones.  I don’t wish those kinds of life tests on anyone.

This weekend, I attended a wedding of a friend.  Well, my friend is really her mom, but the daughter is my friend too seeing as I watched her grow through those awful teenage years.  It was nice to see them.  Nice to see what the daughter is growing to be.  I wish them the most happiness I can.  It was a lovely ceremony outside in a park overlooking the waters of Puget sound.  Turned into a truly beautiful day really.  They really lucked out in the weather department.  I didn’t expect for it to hit me the way it did.  I don’t get sappy at weddings, I’ve just never been that type.  But this one hit me.  I watched as they read their vows.  Then brought their children in and included them into the ceremony as well.  It was heart-melting to watch them laugh and cry during the ceremony.  I’ve never been the type of girl to dream about a wedding.  I guess I’m too much of a tomboy for that kind of thing.  But I’ll admit… there was a brief moment, where I pictured myself in a ceremony just like it.  Wow, that’s scary to even write.  But it’s the truth.  This is my honest-only safe zone, I’m going to uphold that.  There I sat… watching the ceremony with a couple of tears streaming over my face and it’s taken me until today to figure out what was bothering me.  You see, I’ve done that before.  I’ve stood up, in front of family and friends and have made very similar promises.

failure

And at first I thought – ok I’m upset because I failed.  But I didn’t fail.  If I break down my actions, if I look at how I acted, how I worked, how I communicated….

I.  DID.  NOT.  FAIL.

What an empowering thing to write.  My first marriage – I didn’t rush into it.  I was with the man for 6 years before we tied the knot.  I gave it my all, and then realized I had to protect my daughter more.  My second… I rushed into, but I gave it everything I had.  Truly I did.  And we lasted a long time.  11 years together.  He chose his addictions over everything else, including my children’s safety.  Sorry buddy.  Game over. Funny, he wants to introduce me to his new girlfriend.  I told him that would be fine, I’d like to meet the woman who’s hanging out with my kids.  He shared that I was the world’s best damn wife.  I found that so weird and awkward to hear.  But … it affirms to me that I did not fail.

You see – marriage to me is a promise.  Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I truly do believe that marriage is supposed to be a forever thing.  I look at my grandparents, or my mom and step dad.  Those are two clear examples to me of successful, loving, relationships between two people who even after many, many years together, are still crazy in love.  They communicate and respect each other.  They encourage each other to reach higher.  But what’s really important though is that they each are their own person.  Their own passions and drive, and yes, they’re integrated together, intertwined so to speak, but could function independently if need be.  I think that is so important too.

I’ve managed to do quite well for myself.  I work very hard.  My career is in a great place, I have great kids, I take care of my responsibilities and manage to have fun and embrace my hobbies.  I shower the people I love and care about with love and affection as much as they’ll let me.  🙂  I’m in a good place in my life spiritually.

And what hit me, was the fact that I still want it.  Marriage. To belong to someone completely, and for them to belong to me. To have a loving, respectful, communication-filled marriage based on equal footing. Such an odd realization.  Will it happen? Who knows.  Maybe 5 years from now, I’ll look back on this post and laugh. Maybe I’ll be married, maybe I’ll be happily single.

I just have to remember.  It will come.  Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.  That is the course of life. It ebbs and flows, much like the tides.

Love and good health to you all.  Goodnight.

XXO.

tides

What ever you do… do NOT push the button.

JenLeave a comment

Image

We all have them.  Buttons that when pushed will either set us off, or trigger tears, or both.  Some buttons are easier to push than others, depending on who you are of course and who’s pushing the button.  It takes a long time for me to lose my temper.  I’m slower to heat – but when I do – it boils…unless of course you manage to hurt me, then I don’t boil – at least not at the person who pushed the button.  Then I just erupt inside.  Tonight was one of those for me.  It’d been a long day.  Relatively good in some ways – and relatively shit in others.

I spent FAR too much time crying today.  Mostly because my ex pushed buttons.  I’m trying… SO… HARD… to be civil.  To not fight.  To not engage when he’s in an angry mood.  I’m successful most of the time at it.  But occasionally – he’ll break through and find a way to make me hurt.  Deep hurt.  Typically around Ben.  When will that stop being a button?  I suppose when I let it stop?  I don’t know.

We spoke of Ben tonight.  In some considerable length actually.  Let’s just say that my head hurts from all the crying.  Who knows, Ben’s been a topic lately – maybe it’s life’s way of telling me to deal with it.  To get some emotions out.  I was pretty angry tonight at one point.  So angry I was shaking.  I NEVER get like that, but my momma bear came out a little bit at one point.  I was holding back the snarls, the tongue lashing was hovering just on the tip of my tongue.  It used to be, when I was younger, that I would let my mouth say whatever it wanted.  I could give a tongue lashing like no other.  Still can if I allow it.  I unfortunately learned at an early age the power behind words – and just how much they could cut.  BUT… the years have taught me that really – its not worth it.  You end up hurting yourself just as much if not more than the other person (in the long run).  Saying things in the rush of the moment – without thinking of the repercussions only get’s you into trouble.  You end up saying things that maybe you don’t mean.  You might mean them at that moment, but those things that are said, you can’t take back.  It’s taken me about 9 years or so to get to this point.  And yea, sometimes I’ll admit that maybe my pendulum has swung a little too far in the opposite direction, but I’m also proud of who I’ve become.  It takes a lot to bring me to a point where I’ll unleash on someone.  Unless it’s the momma bear breaking through – then that comes lightening fast.  🙂

I’m proud that I’m learning to communicate on a different level.  It feels healthier.  It feels calmer.  I hate getting yelled at.  I hate being made to feel like I’m worthless, or that I was never wanted, never good at anything – other than being a mom and being a paycheck.  And that’s what the ex did tonight – maybe not intentionally – although maybe so – who knows?  I’ll consider the source.  I’ll put it away and know comfortably that ultimately… I’m in a good place in life.  And it’s getting better every single day.  Overall – I’m very happy.  Yea – ok, the last few weeks have had their ups and downs and life has handed me some stress… but when doesn’t it do that?  That is the very nature of life.  Ups and downs, stress and drama and joy.

“T” texted me when I was in the middle of dealing with the ex tonight. Then called.  I didn’t get to him because of the drama until a bit later.  It took him maybe 10 seconds before he heard right through me and called me out on not being ok.  I wasn’t.  I was a wreck. He came over.  I’d managed to compose myself before he arrived tho.  But I’ll admit, I felt stupid knowing he was coming over to make me feel better… again.  Friday and now Monday.  GEEZ.  I felt like I was becoming a nuisance.  He cheered me up.  He always does. The silly man thought I was mad at him and avoiding him.  Nope… never.  FIrst, if I’m mad at someone, I’ll tell them I’m mad at them.  THEN I’ll avoid.  LOL.  Well – it depends on how badly you push my buttons actually.  Second… he’s done absolutely nothing for me to be mad at.  Hence why I say he’s a silly man. 🙂

You all cheer me up too.  I can’t go to bed now without doing some form of writing.  Sometimes, if I don’t want to sit at my machine, I’ll write in a notebook or journal.  But I prefer the keyboard because it’s so much faster.

Well neverland, it’s time I bid you adieu.  Goodnight.  Sleep well.

XXO!

The people I allow into my world are… very special to me.

JenLeave a comment

I took the day off today to pack.  I made progress, not as much as I’d like, but progress is still progress all the same.  My throat hurts.  I saw the doctor last week and she’s referring me to an ear, nose and throat specialist.  Apparently I need to have my tonsils taken out and she wants to have them look deeper down my throat at a lump she’s found but can’t see.  Sigh.  It’s been bothering me now for about a month and a half.  It was tolerable, until she messed with it.  And now it just hurts and makes my head hurt and I just want to curl up into bed under the covers.  But I don’t have time to do that.  Gotta get us moved this weekend.  Sunday is the day the movers come with the big truck.  Sunday is my deadline for all packing.

I took a break from the packing and stress.  Sushi night followed by a walk at the park and a drive to “get lost”.  🙂  I love doing that.  Not that I necessarily get lost, but a drive to explore.  Find a small park and take a walk or find some interesting shops to wander.  To get away from the screen, away from the house, to stop work and just take in the world around us.  The little things that sometimes, you forget.  I was getting crabby today.  All the packing and moving, my throat, and feeling a bit neglected from other’s attention left me a little frustrated.  And it’s not just that… so many of my friends and loved ones right now are struggling with different aspects of life.  Unemployment, family members who are gravely ill, others planning weddings…. I wish I could somehow help them all.  I hate hearing the people who I look to as being so strong break down.  I want to crawl through the phone and hand them tissues.  🙂  But sitting at the park, listening to the waves lap the dock, sun shining, clouds lazily drifting by… I felt immensely better.  I was reminded of how small I am.  How the things we get so stressed about…the little things that annoy us or upset us in the moment….are small, tiny blips in the grand scheme of things.  Life works out…in weird and unexpected ways.  We may not understand it in the swirl of things, but when you pull out and up… gain some altitude and perspective… it gets a little clearer

I received a compliment tonight.  A few actually.  I doubt the person who said it realizes quite how much hearing them meant to me.  One in particular really hit me.  The conversation was around kids.  I was hanging with folks who don’t have kids.  And the topic was around how many times, they see kids or parents who don’t inspire them to go out and have any offspring of their own.  Although to note, sometimes it is these people who I believe would make the greatest parents.  That’s when the compliment flew out.  I can’t remember now exactly how he phrased it but essentially it was that Jen’s kids are an exception.  That one could even say they inspire a yearning to have them.  Maybe it was said just to make sure I didn’t feel insulted by the conversation; Maybe it was thrown off-hand or nonchalantly.  But… I’m choosing to take it.  My kids are very good kids for the most part.  Yes, they have their moments.  But overall, we’re a happy, healthy, albeit, sometimes loud house (3 year old’s LOVE to test out their vocal chords).  My kids are affectionate and friendly and hearing from a 3rd party that my kids are pretty cool – wow.  I feel such pride.

I’ve been helping a few friends the past couple of weeks.  They’ve all needed shoulders to lean on, cry on, vent to, drink with, whatever.  The people I allow into my world are… very special to me.  They are maybe a total of 10 people..maybe.  I would jump in front of a train for them.  I hate to see them in such turmoil or self doubt.  I’ve been there.  Hell, sometimes I’m still there if I’m truly honest… but I wish I could help these people see them the way I do.  They shine so bright.  They are strong and amazing.  But sometimes they don’t see it.  I suppose that I really can’t judge tho, I do it too.  Why do we all struggle to see our own worth so much?

I had a moment tonight when I let down my guard and confessed to my own feelings of inadequacy.  From the outside, I’m sure I appear to have all my shit together.  And in some areas of life, yes, I suppose I do.  But having one or two areas of life handled and others in disarray isn’t something I am proud of.

If I’m honest for a moment…. deep breath….

I’m ashamed.

I’ve spent 18 years of my life in a serious relationship and/or marriage,  and still failed.  Not once, but twice.  The gravity of that really hits home for me.  I failed.  I’m a very affectionate caring person and I couldn’t make it work. Or better yet, didn’t see that the men I’d chosen were wrong for me. The first, abuse led me to flee with my daughter.   The second, I just couldn’t take being with an alcoholic anymore.  We weren’t a team.  No one was ever happy. I feel guilt sometimes for leaving. Marriage is supposed to be forever.  But I refused to teach my children that THAT is love and marriage.  It’s not a fairy tale either….Life will always hand you ups and downs, but it’s when you have someone, or a few someone’s to share with…to laugh with, to cry with… to hug or hold hands or kiss…to be vulnerable with…you know you’ll somehow get through.

Well, I’m off to go chat with one of my friends now…

Goodnight never-land.

Caring the least

JenLeave a comment

opinion-perspective-truth

Why do people care so much about what others think?  Why is it that we need that kind of validation?  Why give other people control of our own lives and destiny and happiness?  If you really think about it, it’s kind of a strange behavior.  We want so desperately to be happy and loved and successful … and yet… we hand over the control of those things to other people – maybe hoping that they’ll magically deliver the answers to these wants and needs wrapped in a pretty bow.  What’s even stranger is that so often, if you look at who we typically allow to weigh in on these wants and needs – they are people who don’t have it figured out for themselves.  What makes them experts, let alone experts in my life?  It’s a strange behavior.  In the end, all we have is what we make of it.  In the end, there’s a strong chance that the people we give that kind of weight to today, won’t even be around.  And yet, we still happily hand over the keys to our peace of mind and happiness to people who likely don’t really even know the inside of our hearts.  Want to know what I think?  I think it’s a lack of self esteem or self confidence.

I’ve made a pact with myself.  I’m not going to do this anymore.  I’m not going to look to others to validate my feelings or emotions, and I’m not going to look to others to validate my actions either.  I’m going to try and start taking people’s opinions with a bit more wariness.  Not because I don’t care about them, not because I don’t respect their opinions… but because I want to live my life.  I want to make my own mistakes and get a little messy on occasion.  Of course, there will still be moments I’ll go to others for their thoughts… but that’s just it.  It’s a thought.  From a biased person.  Everyone is biased in their own ways.  Everyone.  I’m a grown up.  I’ve worked hard to get where I am.  I make good choices more often than not.  I’m a good person.  I need to trust in myself, in the things I’ve learned, the lessons I’ve been taught.  I need to trust that it’s ok to not be perfect.  I also need to trust in my own emotions.

I read an article today that had a phrase that I’ve seen on the net and in the blogosphere.  In a relationship, the person who cares the least, has all the power.  What a load of crap that is.  I mean – yes – in many ways, I suppose it’s true; And how SAD is that?!  Why is it that people are so afraid of emotions and feelings?  What is this 1950?  Are feelings and emotions still too associated with being feminine?  I’d like to propose a re-wording of this phrase.  The person who cares the least will act as an anchor; and can slow/halt it’s course.  But the person who isn’t afraid … the person who lets themselves be real and open up and love… those are the people who give you wings, and if you let your fears down and relax … maybe they’ll teach you to fly.  I’m sick of being afraid.  You can’t die from a broken heart…so what’s everyone so afraid of anyway?

Hmm… that’s an interesting realization for me.  You can’t die from emotions.

You get divorced – knocks the wind out of you – makes you mad, makes you sad, makes you lonely and question everything about everything…. but it doesn’t kill you.  Perhaps at times you might wish it would – but it doesn’t.

Losing a child.  Worst pain ever.  You lose all sense of time and tense.  You have a child.. no had.. wait – but he’s still mine – so have.  You plan the future with your child in it – you lose them- now what… it’s a strange thing.  And because grief sneaks up on you unexpectedly at times, sometimes the loss will feel fresh as yesterday, and other times it fades and is just a memory of a very painful time.  But none of it kills you.

Losing friends or loved ones, losing jobs, fighting addictions…whatever the hurdle one must overcome… same thing.

Ok – so there’s no real BAD thing that can happen from embracing emotion.  What good can come of it?

Friendship, Love, companionship, respect, trust, happiness, peacefulness, Joy, Elation, understanding, strength, hope…..I could keep going. 

I think I’ll stick to sharing and embracing my emotions.  Showing my affection.  Not fearing the repercussions or heartache of losing someone who is too afraid or broken to open up too.

Off to bed now – as it’s 2:30am and I’m still up.  Nightmares tonight.  Going to snuggle back into my comforters, they smell good tonight…Comforting.  Safe.  Maybe I can bury myself in them and just dream sweet. Sigh…