Tag: divorce

Distracted

Jen1 Comment

daydreams

Good morning Neverland.

I’m distracted.  I should be focused on working… as there is lots going on at work these days.  But what am I doing?  I’m sitting at my desk thinking about my vacation instead.  In just 2 short weeks, I’ll be boarding a plane and heading to a tropical beach.  It just can’t come soon enough.  I know the next 2 weeks will fly by and it will be here before I know it, heck, knowing me, it will be here and I’ll scramble to get everything packed and handled right before I go.  I’ve not been this distracted before a trip before.  Not sure why this one is so different, but it is.  I can’t seem to keep my head in the game at work.  Perhaps that also can be chalked up to the layoffs we’ve gone through recently.  Everything at work has been stressful and full of change and ambiguity.  I’d rather spend the day in bed.

There is so much I’m looking forward to.  I’m looking forward to the disconnect.  That’s the joy of traveling somewhere… wi-fi and technology can be easily rendered useless depending on where you go.  And that’s what I sought when I planned out this trip months ago.

st-thomas-virgin-islands

No hotel chains for me.  I’ve rented a small cabin.  With a kitchen and a BBQ so that I can go and pick out some fresh seafood and fruits and veggies and cook.  No little ones to answer to or wake me up too early.  No roommates.  No exes.  No work.

The ex is furious that I’m going on this trip.  And part of me can understand and part of me says F that!  Screw you! 🙂

He’s upset because we never traveled.  We couldn’t afford it.  For 3/4 of our marriage, we were pretty poor.  We didn’t have a honeymoon.  We didn’t take vacations.  I think the most time we ever spent “away from it all” would be a long weekend at a local spot.  And that was ok.  Since ending our marriage, I’ve taken quite a few trips.  6 to be exact, in varying lengths and distances from home.  I love to travel.  I get it from my grandparents.  They took me to England when I was 10 for a LONG trip.  They traveled once, sometimes twice a year.  They’d do cruises and different trips.  Australia, Japan, Europe… They’d come home and show me pictures and tell me stories of the things they experienced and the people they’d met.  I knew when I was young, that I would embrace travel.  I just never had the funds to do it.

He’s also upset because the week I’m gone, the responsibility of our children falls on him.  Last year, when I went to Hawaii, I had to pay him to watch our kids.  I knew it was ridiculous, that by all rights, I shouldn’t have to pay the children’s father to watch them… but I wanted to go, and that was my only option at the time, so I bit the bullet and forked over the cash.  I refused to do that this time, and I think he’s a little upset.  Oh well man!  Suck it up!  🙂

Travelling has opened my eyes.  I’ve seen and done a few things that I never thought I’d get to do.  I’ve met people who will always have a place in my heart, because of what they’ve shared with me.  And although I’m not necessarily a fan of sitting for long hours on a plane… I can’t wait to do it again soon, because it means I’ll have a new slough of experiences and people to add to the memory banks.

Hope you all are having a great week.

JETBLUE TURNS FIVE; TAKES DELIVERY OF 71ST AIRBUS A320

Where does one go to learn this?

Jen1 Comment

lovepotion

I know how to be single.  I know how to be a wife.  Where does one go to learn how to be a girlfriend?  To be a good “dater”?  Is that what it’s even called?  See?!  I don’t even know the proper terminology! Ugh.  It’s dawned on me that I’m no where NEAR an expert on these sorts of things.  I know how to be a good wife.  After doing it for so long, it’s actually a set of behaviors I naturally seem to slip into when I’m dating someone.  My home is his home, anything they need or want, I try and provide, be an unfailing team mate, share everything, spend most of your free time together… blah blah blah.  But in the world of dating… when you’re at that boyfriend/girlfriend stage of a relationship… I feel like I lose my footing.  What’s allowed?  What’s not allowed?  What’s expected of me and what should I expect in return?  Maybe it’s not even about expectations.  In the past, it was expectations that screwed things up.  Let me down.  It’s a funny experience overall, as you’d think, at 32, that this would not be rocket science, and yet here it is tripping me up as I try and think about it.  Where do you go to learn this?  Is there some class or book I should have read?  I don’t want to screw things up.  I want to get it right and not fall flat on my face.

balance

I have a few single friends right now, and watching them try and navigate the world of dating has been helpful for me, it shows me that I’m not alone in feeling a bit off balance at times.  Why can’t we just live in the moment?  Enjoy what we have, when we have it?  It’s that damn future tripping that always seems to make us falter.  Instead of living in the moment, we’re off in dream land planning for a what if that may or may not even happen.  And then when something goes wrong – we’re left devastated or shaken to our core.  Makes you wonder if they spent more time in the moment, would things have gone wrong?  By future tripping, do we sabotage our own relationships and then make it so that they don’t thrive and flourish?  It’s an interesting concept.  I’ve been working on that… not future tripping, for a long time.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t.  Being a bit of a planner is in my nature – which means future tripping becomes easier to accidentally slip into doing as I plan things out.  I guess maybe I learn to embrace more spontaneity?  That’s hard with kids though.  I live and breathe by my calendar and their schedules.

backtowork

Tomorrow, I go back to work.  I’ve spent this week working from home, and was off last week entirely.  I’m happy to get some time in the office.  I ended my day early today however, mini-me got home from school and I went to lay down and take a nap as I wasn’t feeling very good still.  CRASHED for 3 hours.  HA!  Not like me at all, so I obviously needed it.  Then went with the bro to get some amazing Sushi from one of our favorite holes in the walls.  Funny, only a few hours after waking and i’m already ready to go back to sleep.  Amazing what this sickness has done to my energy levels.

Goodnight Neverland.  XXO.

UGH!!

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despair

My god, what was I thinking?!  Seriously??  I know what I was thinking.  And at the time, it was right.

What am I talking about?  The ex; choosing to have Ben against all the odds; the debt that now hangs squarely over my shoulders and mine alone.  And that’s really the kicker.  Alone.  I never thought this would be only on me.  I’d never have thought to think that far ahead.  I’d have never dreamed I’d be a single mom, trying to make it in this big bad world alone.  Alone.  God that word just pisses me off.  And it shouldn’t.  I have no qualms with being alone.  I crave my alone time just as much as the next person.  But to shoulder the responsibility of a choice.  A choice I made WITH someone else.  To tally up the money I’ve put towards paying off that enormous debt put me in a bit of shock yesterday.  So far, thanks to several garnishments, I’ve paid just over $30,000.  Holy CRAP!  And then to tally up what the ex has contributed.  $0.00.  How much has he contributed to the kids?  Same amount.  His was fairly easy to tally up, what can I say?

I got my bonus today.  I should be jumping up and down and excited as all hell.  But when I do the math, 75% of bonus was taken from me, either by the tax man or the garnishment man for Ben’s debts.  Seventy Five Percent!!!!!!!!!!  That pisses me off to no end.  I worked so hard for this.  To hit where I am, to make what I do; to have earned this bonus makes me so proud – and to not even see it, is frustrating.  It would be one thing, if the ex has helping.  If I could look at the debt and know that it doesn’t sit solely on me.  But it does.  He’ll never pay it.  I know this.  Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand exactly how selfish and uncaring he is.  He showed it plenty this weekend.

Logan was over this weekend.  Just for an overnight.  I’ve missed him, and we had a lot of fun hanging out.  But he shared some things with me that were concerning.  He wanted advice on how to approach the ex.  Apparently he’s tried to talk to him about it previously, but it backfired in his face.  I was torn.  Of course I want to help him.  But I knew that by speaking up, it would put me squarely in the enemy seat.  Not a place I like to be in with him.  I trust him as far as I could throw him.  Not very.  😛  But for Logan, I did it.  I don’t regret it, but it definitely took a massive toll on me.  Emotionally, physically… I was a wreck afterwards.  He said a lot.  Refused to hear what Logan was saying.  Got defensive.  Got angry.  Told Logan to talk to the ex’s new girlfriend about this stuff instead.  How can I explain that Logan wanted to talk to people who’ve been in his life longer than 5 months?  He wanted his father to hear him, and even I couldn’t get him to see or understand that.  Of course, it quickly derailed, he flipped it and made it all about what it wasn’t.  It took all that I had to keep the conversation on a mature level.  The ex would raise his voice, goad me into raising mine.  I only slipped up once and when I realized what I’d done, I apologized for raising my voice and simmered instead.  The man threw everything at me.  My vacations.  Ben.  My wages.  Every button he could push, he did.  Every crack or weakness or insecurity he could dig or poke at, he did.  Because Logan was watching from in the car, I held it together as best I could.  I walked straight into my room, laid on my bed and screamed into my pillow.  Cried from a dark horrible place I haven’t done before.  I don’t typically have issues with anger or frustration like that.  I’d almost qualify this as angry despair.  How does someone justify that kind of selfishness?  How can you stand there and break your son’s heart for no good reason?  How can you erase (or try) the son you had that passed away?  Did it all mean nothing to you?  Ever?  Did I?  That’s just it…. I didn’t.  Will I ever to someone?  Is or was it me?  Maybe I’m not meant to have a partnership?  Who’d want to anyway?  For dating, sure… but long term?  I’m not convinced.  What’s funny, I walked into the kitchen afterwards, and the bro had a drink poured.  It was 11 am.  And me, not being a drinker, happily took it and gulped it down…grateful for the burn that scorched it’s way down my throat.

T and I have spent the day cooking with the kids.  We both need to save money and stop eating out so much, so in order to motivate ourselves to do that, he brought groceries over and we both spent the day cooking meals we could freeze for later.  2 Lasagnas, 2 pot roasts, Beef Stew, Seafood chowder, and thai peanut chicken were all on the menu.  The house smells so good and it was a blast to shop, and cook together.  We’ve danced and played with the kids, made faces at each other, had a ton of fun actually. His presence has been a welcome uplift; a vacation away from yesterday’s drama and my stress over my bonus.  I’m so grateful to have him in my life.

I’m scared to rely on anyone.  I’m very much an all or nothing kind of girl, what’s mine is yours kind of thing but it seems that relationships these days don’t work that way.  There seem to be so many rules that I either don’t know, or don’t understand.  it’s an auto reflex for me to treat my relationships as I’ve always done.  Apparently tho, that’s not how these things work.  The person who cares the least, holds the power.  How much is too much to spend time together?  I’d hate to scare someone away when for me, I am just doing what feels right to me.  When do you know to move things forward to the next level?  Or do you?  My answer to that is to let others pave that path so to speak, they can set the pace, but that hurts a little at times too, when the pace isn’t quite what you’d set for yourself.  Sigh.  I’m feeling a bit lost.  It’s an odd learning curve, one that I’m really struggling to master.

I don’t know what the right way forward is for me right now.  I do know that I will figure it out, I always do.  I’m independent, will take care of my own.  I will learn to stop wanting a partnership and just do for myself.  I do anyway – not a stretch to turn the heart off and stop trying to save everyone all the time.  The problem is, I am not convinced that doing that is the right thing either.  Guess we’ll find out.  Much love Neverland.  XXO!

Insecurities and trust

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insecurity

I learned something very interesting about myself this weekend.  Grief brings out my insecurities.  It makes sense when I think about it.  When I’m grieving, I am in a very lost, lonely, sad kind of state.  That is typically when I feel like I need my support system the most.  It’s also when I feel guilt over needing my support system.  It feels needy and clingy and stupid. 

What I learned this weekend wasn’t that I’m insecure.  I already knew that.  🙂  What I learned this weekend is that sometimes, you have to learn to let go, and trust in those you love.  If someone tells you they love you, and they’ve done nothing to really make you doubt or deny that, then trust that they actually do love you as they say they do. 

I don’t know when I got to be like this.  Maybe they are a side effect of grief, or maybe I’ve always had issues with it in some respects.  I give love to others.  I’m generous (overly so in some cases), I go out of my way to make sure that the people I love KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I love them.  And yet, I sometimes fail to recognize the love that others give to me.  It’s not done intentionally.  I would be devastated if someone I loved didn’t recognize that and feel that from me, and yet, sometimes, I don’t see it.  And I should.  How do you learn to see the love and affection that others give?  Is it because I’m so focused on making sure I don’t screw up that I fail to enjoy what’s given to me?  Ding Ding Ding!  Holy crap what a realization to come to.  Why do I do that?  I think … to be honest, I think it’s somewhat out of guilt.  I don’t feel that I deserve it, or I’m scared it’s going to go away.  I’m done being scared.  I want to love with all my heart.  I want to allow myself to be loved in return.  Because I deserve it.  Because I’m a good, honorable, passionate, smart, sexy woman who sometimes fails to recognize those traits in herself.  I’m worthy.  I swear, I need to write that somewhere I can see it every day. 

I.  Am.  Worthy. 

love

I’ve had some bad recurring nightmares in the last week.  I’ve also had a few good dreams, which is unusual and inspires a bit of hope in me that maybe the nightmares can be made to go away.  I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid.  My mother has very vivid dreams as well, so part of me wonders if dreaming is somehow hereditary.  One dream I’ve had for many many years involves everyone I know and love disappearing before my eyes.  I’ve always thought the meaning of that dream pointed to my insecurities, and my fear of abandonment, and I’m probably right.  This new dream, it involves the death of my children.  And I can point to grief on that, maybe a bit of PTSD after losing Ben, but I could also say that maybe I’m grieving something else too.  My friend R pointed out this weekend that perhaps, besides mourning the loss of my son, I’m also mourning the loss of a dream.  I sometimes look around me and think about how I never planned for this.  I never planned to raise my children alone.  I never planned to be a corporate career woman.  I never planned to be living with a roommate at 32, divorced.  According to R, I need to mourn the change of my vision for myself in the future, and then I may be able to move on and dream new things.  It’s not a bad idea.  I suppose that’s why I’m writing on the subject.  Usually, writing helps me process the things I’m working through in my head. 

What was my vision before?  To have a good job, be a amazing wife, be a good mom.  To be a family.  To be fiercely loved by those closest to me.  To feel inspired and happy.

Where am I now? 

I have a good job.  I’m a good mom.  We are a family.  I am fiercely loved by those closest to me.  I AM inspired and happy.   Well I’ll be…. 🙂  Maybe it’s not mourning that should be happening.  Maybe it’s celebrating.  6/7 items on my vision’s list are happening on a daily basis and I have achieved.  Why am I beating myself up then?  I’ve done it.  Ok so the painting doesn’t look QUITE as I’d imagined it 10 years ago.  But when you really look at it, I did get everything I wanted. 

It’s amazing.  It’s inspiring.  It’s refreshing to look at it in a different perspective.  I really beat myself up this weekend.  It was an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, that I brought on myself.  And now that it’s over…. I can still say I had an amazingly good weekend, I got a lot of things accomplished that I needed to, AND… somehow, I’m starting a new week clearer.  A bit stronger.  Prouder.  A few years ago, a weekend of tears would have left me feeling pretty mad at myself.  Now?  I feel like maybe it was time.  It was needed.  And now, I can move forward again.  It’s unlike me to have such an emotional moment.  I don’t see it becoming a trend, but I’ll embrace this weekend for what it was.  Me getting much needed “stuff” out of my system in order to process it and learn from it.

Much love to you neverland.  Goodnight.  XXO!

rc

An open letter to shitty wives. A response to Matt’s letter.

Jen20 Comments

Nagging Wife Cartoon

If you haven’t read Matt’s Blog, I highly suggest you do.  He’s written a few posts titled “An open letter to a shitty husband, vol XYZ”.  I’ve read through them, and most of what he has on his blog.  It’s been a friend to me in the last 2 years, as I’ve gone through my own divorce and “recovery”.  In that two years, I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’ve reflected and been honest with myself about what I did right, and what I did wrong.  Matt, this post comes from the opposite perspective of yours.  I hope that mine can do yours justice.

Dear Wife,

You my dear, are positively a pain in the ass shitty wife.  I’m sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.  You can protest and argue and pout all you like, but what I speak is the truth. We wives forget how much control we really have in a relationship.  Funny, how at a young age, we’re taught to look for strong men, riding horses in suits of armor who will take down a dragon, or climb a tall tower in our honor.  We look for men that remind us of our fathers, strong, honorable, loving men.  We’re encouraged to be doting and feminine, to be good with kids, or handy with cooking and cleaning.  And then we’re also taught to be strong and independent, intelligent females.  Perhaps this has left us spinning a bit, but you, my dear, need to understand and take the responsibility for what you bring to the table and how and what you influence in the world around you.

How do I know this?  Perhaps it is because I was one myself.

I loved him.  I stepped up when our family needed me to.  When he wanted the career, I played the housemaker.  I baked, I cleaned, I did everything my grandmother would expect me to do.  Dinner was ready when he walked in the door, a cold beer in the fridge.  When he lost a job, I jumped in and got work, found a career, climbed the ranks.  Paid the bills.

By all outside views, I was a great wife.  And in some ways, yes, I was.  But here’s the thing.  I also wasn’t.  I lost myself when I married him.  I grew to become someone different.  I didn’t go and hang out with friends as often, I didn’t go to a movie or walk the park without expecting him to be there with me.  And when kids were involved, that too became an inner expectation that I had, but failed to communicate to him.  Every let down, every disappointment, I wouldn’t speak up.  And when I did, I was past frustration, to where I’d nag, or pick a fight.  I’d hold high expectations that he would consistently fail at, but I never laid out the requirements.

We, as women, tend to be good at juggling our worlds.  Soccer practice, potty training, pay a bill, doctor visit, make a meal, work a job… we’re superwomen.  But we suck at being wives.  We know the things that make our men light up, and yet, we don’t let them have it.  If our man loves a sport or hobby, why not add it to your schedule to remember to plan around those special games or events that come with them.  Likely, when you met your husband, you had interests.  You had a life outside of him.  I’m betting that the mystery of some of that life is what caught his eye.  Your husband is the same.  He had that interest before he met you, and yet now you expect him to drop it.  To “want” to spend time with you and the kids.  But what is the quality of life like when you ARE spending time together?  Is it nagging?  Doing chores?  The monotonous day to day stuff that can be such a grind?  If you are doing chores, do you make it fun?  I’m betting you forgot.  I’m betting that you got wrapped up in the grind and forgot that that man, he IS trying in his own ways.  They just aren’t YOUR ways.

Of course – I’m not saying that ALL marriages are this way, or that ALL wives are this way.  There are exceptions of COURSE.  If you are in a relationship that has abuse or neglect or infidelity or addiction – Get help and get out.  The end.  No discussion, no argument.  They can’t and won’t change for you.  They have to do it for themselves.  Period.

Can we be honest about double standards?  We expect a lot from our men, whether we communicate it or not, and yet, there are many times, when we break our own rules and standards?  Allow me to give you an example.  We have our routines.  The things we love to get away and do, whether it’s going for a massage, getting our hair done, or doing our nails.  We could be more of an introvert and enjoy writing or reading or painting.  These are things we do to recharge and reboot.  We may not even ask or mention it to our spouses.  But do we remember to work these same kinds of treats into our husband’s world?  I’m betting not. And if they do get a treat, I’m betting it’s not at the same level of consistency that we do for ourselves.

Communication, compromise and equality is what we should be considering.  I’d tell my husband everything, except when I was feeling a bit depressed or sick because I didn’t want him to worry about me.  I spent the last 3 years of my marriage in a strange rut and routine.  I didn’t speak up.  I went silent.  And then I walked away.  I broke him when I did.  I’ve watched him go through his own recovery.  He made a lot of mistakes in our marriage, and he has a lot of responsibility and accountability to take for it all, but I can take accountability for mine.

I work daily now, on always communicating with the people I love.  Even when I’d rather stick my head in the sand.  I work hard now at ensuring that I consider both sides of all of my relationships, not just mine.  It’s amazing how rich my relationships have become because of it.  I give.  I don’t expect in return.  I plan my life, and live my life, looking for and finding my own sense of self and happiness.  I share that with others.  And my influence on my world has grown.  I’ve grown from my divorce, and I wouldn’t take back what I did.  I can now see the impact my influence has on my daughter, on my son.  On my friends and coworkers. Now that I’ve experienced what a healthy relationship is… I also now can see the differences, I know a bit more about what to do moving forward.  I don’t have all the answers.  Hell, I may not have any of the answers.

All I can do is pass on the experience, the knowledge to you, dear wife.  And hope that I can do it in time to really make a difference.

Goodnight Neverland! XXO!

husband-wife-md