I know how to be single. I know how to be a wife. Where does one go to learn how to be a girlfriend? To be a good “dater”? Is that what it’s even called? See?! I don’t even know the proper terminology! Ugh. It’s dawned on me that I’m no where NEAR an expert on these sorts of things. I know how to be a good wife. After doing it for so long, it’s actually a set of behaviors I naturally seem to slip into when I’m dating someone. My home is his home, anything they need or want, I try and provide, be an unfailing team mate, share everything, spend most of your free time together… blah blah blah. But in the world of dating… when you’re at that boyfriend/girlfriend stage of a relationship… I feel like I lose my footing. What’s allowed? What’s not allowed? What’s expected of me and what should I expect in return? Maybe it’s not even about expectations. In the past, it was expectations that screwed things up. Let me down. It’s a funny experience overall, as you’d think, at 32, that this would not be rocket science, and yet here it is tripping me up as I try and think about it. Where do you go to learn this? Is there some class or book I should have read? I don’t want to screw things up. I want to get it right and not fall flat on my face.
I have a few single friends right now, and watching them try and navigate the world of dating has been helpful for me, it shows me that I’m not alone in feeling a bit off balance at times. Why can’t we just live in the moment? Enjoy what we have, when we have it? It’s that damn future tripping that always seems to make us falter. Instead of living in the moment, we’re off in dream land planning for a what if that may or may not even happen. And then when something goes wrong – we’re left devastated or shaken to our core. Makes you wonder if they spent more time in the moment, would things have gone wrong? By future tripping, do we sabotage our own relationships and then make it so that they don’t thrive and flourish? It’s an interesting concept. I’ve been working on that… not future tripping, for a long time. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. Being a bit of a planner is in my nature – which means future tripping becomes easier to accidentally slip into doing as I plan things out. I guess maybe I learn to embrace more spontaneity? That’s hard with kids though. I live and breathe by my calendar and their schedules.
Tomorrow, I go back to work. I’ve spent this week working from home, and was off last week entirely. I’m happy to get some time in the office. I ended my day early today however, mini-me got home from school and I went to lay down and take a nap as I wasn’t feeling very good still. CRASHED for 3 hours. HA! Not like me at all, so I obviously needed it. Then went with the bro to get some amazing Sushi from one of our favorite holes in the walls. Funny, only a few hours after waking and i’m already ready to go back to sleep. Amazing what this sickness has done to my energy levels.
Goodnight Neverland. XXO.