Tag: dating

An adventure

JenLeave a comment

I’m sitting at the airport waiting to go home. I took a short flight up to Calgary for the weekend. I went up there to relax, meet a new friend and just have a little adventure and boy did I definitely get one.

On Saturday morning, I was feeling pretty down, because my friend ditched out on our plans, so I got a massage. Afterwards, I went down to hotel bar and had a scotch. The two lady bartenders ended up talking with me and became good friends. They kept free scotch flowing in my glass.

They introduced me to a nice guy who ended up taking me to a jazz club where I danced with a 65 year old tuba player. He showed me pictures of his wife and told me stories of his own adventures.  The ladies from the bar ended up meeting up with me later and we tasted some amazing foods and walked all over Calgary.

I had a lovely conversation with a chef about canadian cheeses and even recieved an invite from her to come back and play in the kitchen the next time I am here.  She must have brought out 15 different cheeses for me to taste and try.

Then we hit a hipster bar, and I met a local art dealer. We got into a passionate debate about art and American politics.

To finish the night, the nice guy who I met told me how beautiful and kind and smart I am, and kissed me goodnight under the stars.  I didn’t get a phone number… I didn’t want it. I’m just going to keep focusing on me for a while, but these people here were lovely. They cheered me up when I was feeling pretty lost and sorry for myself and it turned out pretty amazing in the end. Should my 2 new lady friends ever come to Seattle, I will be sure to be a gracious host to them.

I was messaging my best friend as I was packing up, saying how much of a flop this weekend had turned out to be when it really dawned on me. It wasn’t a flop at all. It was exactly what I came for… an adventure.  A chance to see and do something new.  Funny, how so often in my life, I fail to recognize my own bravery and strength.  My friend pointed out some of the adventurous highlights from my life. I started a business… picked a random career… have traveled a lot and have made some amazing friendships. I have seen and experienced so many things that so many overlook or don’t take the time to experience.

And to my friend… you really missed out on an amazing weekend. I think I did your town justice tho.  Thank you for inspiring me to visit. And it’s ok that we didn’t hang out. While I don’t fully understand what happened, I can recognize that sometimes, things have to go a certain way for a reason.  I can forgive and move forward, because I care…about you, about me, about the direction that my life goes.

Hugs to you Neverland, thanks for always being there.

Sunday night thoughts

Jen1 Comment

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Tonight I spent some time quietly just sitting and reflecting.  Truthfully, I don’t do this enough.  It has been a busy weekend.  We had friends and their children stay the weekend with us.  I don’t think the house has ever had that many people in it, let alone sleeping in it.  It was a lovely weekend, high in energy.  Today, some friends came over for a visit, we watched movies and played Uno.  It was a lovely way to finish out the busy weekend, but I think what really helped to calm and center me was simply to light a few candles and sit cross-legged on my couch and just be in the moment.

It’s interesting, society spends so much time trying to distract themselves from living in the moment.  Movies, video games, social media, food, alcohol, drugs…. all of these things we use to disappear into.  Trying desperately to fill a hole in their lives that they may not even fully realize is there, let alone have the know-how on filling it.  It would be a lie to say that I’m not one of those people.  But every now and then, typically after I’ve had a loud, overstimulating few days, I have to just stop everything and just breathe.

I think I know how to fill it.  I think it comes with time and age, and just learning to understand who you are at the core of your being.  And accepting it for what is. But I’m also good at trying to fill a void.  🙂  And there are a few for me… more than a few.  I have a rich and full life.  A wonderfully large family, whom I see often, a variety of friends who are as near and dear to me as family should be, I have my children who I have very close relationships with… even loving pets whom I adore.   And yet, sometimes, I’m lonely.  It’s silly really – as I rarely have alone time, so how on earth can one feel lonely… but it’s the honest truth.

I spent some time thinking about that too tonight.  Why do we desire to share our lives with someone else… especially when we think about the fact that the journey we each walk down is ours and ours alone.  So logically, if that’s the case, then you will never truly be able to share your life with someone.  OR… I suppose you could look at it the other way – you share your life with anyone and everyone who touches it… to what degree and the depth that you share will vary and depend on a variety of variables.  My god I sound like an engineer.  I know, I overthink everything! 🙂

I’ve been in the new house almost 3 months now.  It’s amazing how time flies.  Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here so much longer than that, and other times, it feels like it was just yesterday that we moved in.  I think a part of that is just because of the swirl of other tests life has thrown at me since we got here.  I’m so proud to be here.  To own my own place.  I have a solid plan in motion on getting it paid off, and in a few years, I intend to invest in something additional – either property or business-wise.  It’s fun, knowing that those goals are not only in front of me, but very much attainable.  🙂

I’m looking forward to the summer.  Between my little garden (next year’s will be bigger if I have anything to say about it), my art, my children, my work and my new kayaks… I think the summer days will be quite filled with a lot of fun.

I’m building a full on art studio in my house.  It’s been quite a thrill so far to start putting together.  When I’m finished, I think I will finally have my dream studio space.  It’ll take me a couple of years to really get it where I want to, but I will get there.  🙂  I’m even making one of the rooms a photography studio – something I’ve been dreaming of having for about 5 years now.

Little pieces of my life, long-loved interests and hobbies are all finally starting to come together and find a place in my life.  It’s interesting to me.  I’d never have guessed that it would take me risking everything and breaking out on my own in order to find confidence in being myself.  At my core, I always saw myself as being fairly confident… but it’s only the last 5 months or so that I really feel like I’ve come into my own.  I see myself now.  All of me.  Not just the good parts and not just the bad.  I care about my own well-being.  Funny, I think I’d stopped.  Maybe I had given up?  Maybe losing Ben and my husband and my family and my friends did more to me than I gave it credit for.

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In the last few weeks, I feel a bit like Andy, from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”; when he climbs out of the sewer pipe and strips himself from the final rags from the prison and just stands in the pouring rain, drinking it all in.  Living life, even with all the scary parts, with all the pain, or insecurities, the grief, … is a spectacular thing.  I wouldn’t give up a single moment of it.  And I refuse to be one of those people who sit by and just accept the monotonous daily grind… especially when adventures can begin anywhere with anything.

My daughter is learning about gardening this year.  She has a few plants that she is growing all on her own, and even something as simple as a strawberry plant… watching it grow from seed to plant, growing and tending it, and now… the joy of the first few berries… has been an adventure for us all.  Researching a new subject for a painting or cartoon is an adventure.  Going on a weekend to explore a new city is an adventure.  Exploring the nearby lakes with my new kayak, all the wildlife and amazing scenery – these are all the adventures I’ve got going on in my world these days.  And it’s these types of adventures… that continue to fuel me and bring me so much happiness.

So to you, Neverland, go have an adventure this week.  I know I will.  🙂

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And that’s when it hit me…

JenLeave a comment

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Work, kids, gardening, cooking, pets, house, art and movies.  That is how I’ve spent my time in the last few weeks, peppered with a few random things like kayaking or the occasional shopping.  Truthfully – I don’t watch a lot of TV in general.  I spend so much time in front of a screen with work, that the idea of sitting in front of one at home doesn’t hold a lot of appeal.  But once or twice a week, I’ll put on a movie and put my feet up and watch.

Last night, I was paging through my movie collection trying to decide what to watch.  I’ve been slowly catching up on some newer movies my brother brought me, as well as re-watching old classic favorites.  But in the last few weeks, I’ve picked up on a pattern, and it makes me laugh.

And that’s when it hit me… Apparently… I’m a total and complete 100%-romantic sap.

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In person, and to my friends, they’d probably say “Jen?” Ha!  I won’t admit that I’m a sap.  Why would I?!  I would adamantly proclaim that I’m a realist.  That the idea of true love and all that mushy gushy stuff is lovely – but unrealistic.  But then you look at the movies I’ve curled up to enjoy recently, sighing longingly over the happy endings or teary-eyed over the sad ones and I have no choice but to call myself on my own bullshit.  🙂

My daughter likes to giggle at me when I yell at the TV (please note, I ONLY do this when watching movies alone at home) – “Just KISS her already!!”  I do it with scary movies too “Don’t run UPSTAIRS you idiot!!” and things like “Oh crap – well you KNOW he’s dead soon!”.  I realize that the characters can’t actually hear me… and yet I do this.  A lot.  🙂 I tell her that it’s my job as her mother to give her things to talk to her therapist about – this can be one of them.  Why her mom feels the need to yell at imaginary characters through the TV screen.

I think it’s because I’m a visual person.  I get caught up in a story – as if I am actually there.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a book I’m reading, a piece of artwork I’m working on, a movie I am watching or even a daydream I’m having.  Apparently, my imagination is a fine tuned machine.  🙂  I suppose it makes sense, it would explain why I love my job as much as I do – because I get to use that imagination every single day.  🙂  At least this way, I get paid to do it.

Who would have thought that my mom was wrong.  As a kid – she’d tell me to get my head out of the clouds.  Guess in my case, it’s better to stay in them.  🙂

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Happy Thursday Neverland.

Do you “catfish” your online photos?

JenLeave a comment

A few of my friends are doing the online dating thing.  I’ve tried it before… and it’s just really not my thing.  And, it always felt like the people on those sites are looking for something very different than anything I wanted.  Don’t worry – I’m staying away from anything like that these days.  Heck, my interest in trying on a bunch of different guys to see if one fits probably equals my desire to go to the dentist for some drilling… there’s so many other things I’d rather be doing.  I think that with the current hookup society, the idea of dating is a bit intimidating and would be quite frustrating.  I’m a bit old fashioned.  For me, I cannot disconnect sex and the emotions of love.  So I’ve been avoiding putting myself into those types of situations until I feel that I’m ready to love someone again.  It just seems safer all around…for everyone involved.  And it’s worked out fine!  I’m enjoying focusing on other things. And I know that eventually, I’ll stumble upon someone who fits me and I’ll hop back on the roller coaster ride of love all over again.

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That said tho,  I DO enjoy living vicariously through my friends.  Some of the dates they go on are real doozies. I got into a conversation yesterday with friends about the notion of catfishing with photos.  It was interesting to hear other people’s perspectives on the concept.  What we were referring to was the notion that someone will portray them-self as one way when really they are another.  So a fluffy chick might take pics from the neck up, or in particularly flattering angles in order to get a photo that she could then use on a dating website.  While the photo IS her… it’s not necessarily painting a full or accurate picture of who they really are or what they look like.

Here’s my question tho… where do you draw the line?  EVERYONE prefers to post pictures that they feel are flattering.  Men and woman BOTH do this.  And if you think about it, in this day an age of online dating, of COURSE you want to put your best self forward.

One of my friends believed you shouldn’t put the makeup shots out there, that we as a society have to do away with the duckface selfies and anything remotely similar.  To ONLY be real.  And while I can understand his attitude on this… and even agree with it a little bit… it’s also completely unrealistic.  Never going to happen my friend!

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But then you have the people that swing the other way – they post pictures that are 50 lbs ago, or 5 years ago, or both.  Back when they had a full head of hair, rather than a receding hair line.  I know why they post them… trying to put your best foot forward again.  It makes sense.  But it’s not ok to do unless you caption the photo correctly!

So.. again I say… where’s the line?  It’s not like you’re going to take a photo of yourself and then using a red paintbrush in photoshop circle or draw arrows to all your flaws.  That would be going above and beyond.

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J, my other girlfriend says she likes to post both..the full make up, looking hot selfies, along with at least one un-makeup’d face, plus of course at least one full body shot.  I think that seems like a good compromise.

So to those of you out there who are building your online dating profiles, looking for love, consider what pictures you use in your profiles.  Are you really being REAL?  How much of yourself do you put out there?  Do you mix it up, do you caption well?

Happy Hunting and have a great day Neverland!

XXO!

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Hope is a beautiful thing…

JenLeave a comment

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Yup.  I saw this in my pinterest feed today and it really struck a nerve.  In a good way.  At some point, you have to get on with living.  Whether a person is recovering and grieving the loss of a friend, a relative, a broken relationship, a failed test, or even a disappointment at work.  There comes a point where you have to let go of the dreams and expectations of what was…and embrace what IS that is right in front of you.

It’s been a whirlwind of a few weeks, between dealing with my daughter and her ever changing needs, my son – who turns 5 tomorrow! I can’t believe it!!, work and my ever challenging but still amazing boss, or a whole host of other things… to say it has been busy is simply an understatement.  But what I’m finding to be quite interesting, is that I’m not feeling beat down by it.  Sure, I’ve had a few days here and there where I’ve questioned myself or felt a bit unsure, but I still plowed forward.  And today, was a good day.  🙂

At work, I had the opportunity to sit down and do some design and innovating.  It’s funny, it’s what people hire me to do for them, and yet I rarely actually get to sit and DO it.  It seems most of my days are filled with meetings and coaching and overseeing.  Rarely do I get the luxury to sit and just dream and let my imagination flow.  So because I got to do that today, I’m riding a bit of an inspiration high this evening.  I came up with something very interesting today.  Something incredibly unique, and it might not be THAT hard to pull off from an engineering perspective.  I’m very excited about it and can’t wait to take another couple of days to really bring the idea to life with more comps and drawings.  Then next week, I’ll pitch it… the company I work for would have to be bonkers not to do it.  🙂  It’s very exciting.  🙂

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One of my closest female friends challenged me almost a year ago to do an experiment on myself, in regards to my self esteem.  She told me to take 1 selfie per day.  Doesn’t matter if I hate it, I have to keep at least one from each day.  Now, truthfully, I didn’t remember EVERY single day… but I have put in an effort and have managed roughly one a week.    I HATE pictures of myself.  In fact, there are very few photos of me that I like.  I prefer to be on the other end of the camera. 🙂  So when J challenged me to do this, it wasn’t something I was enthusiastic about doing.  Tonight I flipped through them.  She was right.  As a collection… viewing them changed something for me.  I laughed at the ones that looked HORRIBLE.. I smiled at others that reflected how happy I was or how sleepy I was.  And as I finished up… the overall opinion I had on them, and me, and how I look….

I’m pretty!  And cute.  🙂  My god, it only took me 34 years to really understand and be able to say that and mean it.  I love my dimples, and freckles, my frizzy curls, my eyes that oddly change color when I’m wearing different things or near certain colors.  I love my nerdy glasses and the fact that most days I’m in a hoodie, yoga pants and flip flops.  I even love my squishy tummy.  It is me.  This body has been through so much, and it’s so damn strong!  I have curves, and a waist – something that I didn’t have years ago.  Here’s a few from the last few weeks.

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I’m enjoying life right now.  I’m enjoying finding myself, learning to be a home owner, spending quality time with my children and my family.  Is it strange that I can say that life is good right now?  Even with all the turmoil we’ve gone through in the last few weeks?  And that’s not me burying my head in the sand.

For the first time… maybe in my entire life, I truly have a sense of comfort.  I’m content.  And I have so much hope bursting in me for the future.  For my kids… but more than that.  For me.  Hope.  It’s a beautiful thing.  It’s not something I’ve felt in a very long time when it comes to me personally.  I think, as much as I don’t like to admit it, I’d been a bit burnt out.  Perhaps taking some time off was a good thing.  🙂

Well neverland, it’s time for me to get some sleep.  But if you’re still awake.. here’s a goodnight kiss to you.

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