Tag: dad

Gift of Strength

Jen1 Comment

Tonight I got an odd lesson in where I learned to embrace my inner strength.  I always attributed it to my grandparents and mom.  It’s interesting, as an adult, how we see things differently than we did as a kid.  Tonight, I called my dad and went over there tonight with the kids.  We had a good time.  He kept pouring the wine and pestering me about what was up with me.  I finally broke down in tears.  Shared all that’s been weighing on me.  Dad doesn’t like tears.  His wife hugged me while I got the reaming I didn’t know I needed from my father.  He told me to put my walls back up, embrace my strength.  Stop worrying about pleasing every body else in my life and focus simply on me and my kids.

castle

To let no one into my walls unless they have earned it and truly deserve it.  He’s taken the stance that his life is his castle – he’ll defend it to the death and protect and care for what is truly his. Everything and everyone else – they are on the outside of his castle (myself included) and unless they come to him, he won’t bother about them and that I need to do the same.  Told me to tell other people to shove it and to just work and be happy in my castle.  He says it’s what I do, what I’ve always done.  Do it and quit being a coward.  He also said how he’s never worried about me.  In all that I’ve gone through, he’s never worried that I wouldn’t pull through.  I’d get lost and he knew I’d find my way.  That I was smart and quick on my toes as far as thinking things through and stubborn enough to pull anything off.  My dad can be very blunt.  🙂  As a child, I hated his lectures and rants, but as an adult, I recognize when I need them.

Poor T called in the middle of my dad’s lecture and in my wine induced loose tongue, I invited him to come join us with Dad.  He showed up with roses and snickerdoodle cookies (I know – he’s a keeper that one.  A man who’s brought me both steak, and now cookies).  We all ate dinner and enjoyed good home cooking, played with the kids, teased each other, and caught up.  I played a prank on my brother for him to find when he got home. I’m grateful to have spent the evening feeling relaxed, happy and in a better place with family that I love.  It was nice for T to see it too.  As messed up as we all are, my family is my family.  I love them.  I love spending time with them when we all can.  I loved having him there to share that with me.

Tomorrow, I will go to work.  I will do as Dad said (to some degree).  Going to put up my walls and just enjoy doing what I love doing.  Design.  I’m going to focus on the happy things in my life.  I’m going to follow my heart and do the things that will improve my life moving forward, rather than slow it up or hinder it.

courageous

Scam Artists and forgetful fathers

JenLeave a comment

The anger and unjust feelings I’m currently experiencing are threatening to spew out in profanity, so please excuse this post.

I pride myself on my intelligence and my ability to read people and situations.  It is when I rush, that I get caught by surprise. And yet, here I am, falling prey to a scam artist. I’m feeling sooo stupid.

I thought I was buying a dog.  A puppy for the family. Who am I kidding…a puppy for me. I started out looking at adopting a 3 yr old bulldog named meatball…but Alayna got distracted by a bulldog puppy listing and I sent an inquiry thinking about her birthday.  It’s today.  I didn’t research.  I didn’t take a step back and look at the details, I lept.
There is no dog.  They got $400 from me.  I told Alayna…used it as a learning experience. Explained why it is so important to stop and research. If they’d been legit, they’d have waited.  How it could have been so much worse, and that we learned a valuable, albeit expensive lesson.

I’m still angry though. And incredibly disappointed.  And I feel stupid and naive and dumb. I was looking forward to having a dog. Having that companionship again.  A best friend and cuddle buddy. Someone who’ll snore and slobber and give wet kisses, and be so happy when I come home. Someone who’ll need walks and trips to the park.  I miss that.  I feel like I kinda need that right now.

I feel bad for my mini me. She had kind of a crappy day and kind of a good day.  We went for dinner with my parents to a mexican restaurant.  She had a birthday sombrero and song and dessert.  We came home, played a board game, watched Robinhood: Men in tights.  We spent most of the night laughing.  I was trying to keep her mind off the fact that the ex didn’t call her.  Everyone else did.  Even some of my friends and the bro’s girlfriend said happy birthday to her or called to talk with her.

She talked to me about it.  I finally texted him around 8:30.  Typically her bed time. He asked what I was up to and I said, “celebrating”.  He asked what we were celebrating and my momma bear came out and unleashed a taste of hell. How could he do that to her? He called and I snarled at him.  He was full of excuses and attitude.  “I was busy.” Asshole.  He doesn’t get that what he does has way more ramifications than what he says.  He doesn’t get that kids are led by example and that neglect and forgetfulness can hurt way worse and do more damage than any spanking ever could.

He adopted her.  He stood in front of a judge and swore an oath to take her as his own. The birth certificate now says his name.  And yet, he makes little efforts to see her and now this. He takes our son twice a week and every other weekend, but makes very little consistent effort for our daughter. She’s a good kid.  Deserves better than that bullshit.  Sigh.

I haven’t always made the best choices in life, but, I can say that I learn from them.  Today, life threw a few lessons at me.  Tomorrow is a new day. Fresh, with no mistakes in it.  Yet. 🙂

Goodnight neverland.

XXO!

Downloading on family

Aside JenLeave a comment

My mind is flying tonight.  A million miles a minute about every little thing.  I feel this deep desire to just sit and let the fingers flow over the keyboard.  I don’t know how much of this I will edit.  This will be purely free-flowing thought.  You have been warned. My daughter is home tonight.  […]

Friendships and a leap of faith

Jen1 Comment

Image

Today was a rough one for me and for a multitude of reasons.

Work.  Family.  Loved Ones.  All three have weighed pretty heavy on the mind today.

I took a leap of faith at work today.  I took a stand on something.  I ignored the chain of command and spoke from the heart.  It’s something I feel passionately about, and have hit many brick walls when beating the drum lower down the chain.  I don’t know yet, what’s going to happen.  I can sit and play the what if game – and yea, I did that plenty today; breaking down the options in all directions, both positive and negative.  Got very upset over it actually.  Got very stressed over it too.  My career is something I’m very proud of.  The longer I do this, the more I come to realize just how little I still know.  How junior I still am – even though I’m not.  If this goes the way I think it will, I will find myself in a position to lead in a new way.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I hate politics.  I don’t want to play.

I was stressed to the max about it all and ended up going and having coffee with a new friend.  I’ve gone out with her only a couple of times but I already like her.  She’s a very cool person.  I almost cancelled on her, not wanting to show her the grumpy side of Jen.  But when I walked into the coffee shop – she confessed that she was in a grump mood herself, so I laughed and thought – how perfect is that?!  We pulled each other out of the angry grumpy mood with laughter and girl chat and mooning a gym (story for another day).  I needed it, and was so grateful to have had that time with her.

Tomorrow I get to go see my real brother graduate from high school.  I’m proud of him and so happy that he asked that I attend.  How could I possibly say no?  BUT.. going also means I see my father.  And that always has a price.  Usually an emotional one on me.  I need to find a way to put it away.  To forgive and move forward on this one.  I know part of it is that it will just take some time…but I also know that I have to be willing to call a spade a spade and move forward.  I just hope that when faced with it, I can do just that because quite frankly, I’m sick of feeling hurt over it all.  I’m a different woman now, someone he doesn’t even really know.

I grieved a little bit tonight.  I didn’t mean to.  Ha, that sounds funny.  I was hanging with one of my closest girlfriend’s, we’ll call her R, we’d had dinner and dessert and were drinking a bit of amazing port wine she’d picked up.  We’d been talking and laughing over all sorts of things, I’d shared my stress about work, we talked about boys (hey, sometimes girl talk is so much fun!) and because she recently lost a family member, we also were talking about grief.   I ended up confessing to her why I think I’ve been in a bit of a funk.  I reminisced a bit, cried a bunch…

This is the 5 year mark.  Ben’s birthday in October will mark 5 years.  Just writing that makes me gulp for air a bit.  Odd.  Why is this anniversary bothering me so much?  I’ve been stewing over it for a few days and I have a few ideas around it.

When my son passed away, he was in my arms.  I remember watching as he took his last breath.  So calm.  And so still afterwards.  I whispered to him before he went, that I loved him with all my heart, and that I swore to him that I’d get healthy and find happiness.  I must have sat there and watched for 20 minutes just praying I’d see his chest move or hear him breathe on his own.  He was so warm still, he looked like he was just sleeping.  When I finally put him down, I couldn’t leave the room.  I remember watching as my mom packed up some of his stuffed animals, and thinking “What are you doing?!  He needs those!”  I felt like my feet were full of lead, or like I was literally grounded to the floor.  The nurse saw me and told me to breathe.  I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t remember how.  Shock.  And then I looked around the room and saw my husband crumbling.  I saw his mom and my mom, my grandparents, my family and friends in grief and just breaking.  I put it away.  Somehow.  I don’t know how.  I knew that one of us had to stay strong.  I put on my smile and hugged my daughter and step son.

I put in a CD on the way home, just grabbed one, I doubt I even had the desire to read the cover.  It was the Fray.  Everyone cried the whole way home, but I just listened to the music.  Numb but calm.  That CD would become a very important one to me… I listened to it over and over and over.  It helped me sort through what was going on in my head.  I buried myself in work.  Bringing money in was the one thing I could do to ensure that even though everyone was breaking, at least we’d have a home and food and electricity.  I put up the xmas tree in the place where his crib was.  This is why every year on Ben’s birthday – we put up the xmas tree.  It’s weird I know…. to have a xmas tree up before Halloween… but it brought light and sparkle to a place in the house that suddenly felt very dark.  I continued that numb calm state for 3 years.  Always the strong one.  Never happy.  And getting unhealthier by the day.  When I finally decided to divorce, that first anniversary – was interesting.  I wrote about it on this blog.  This year will be my second anniversary alone.   I’m a LOT healthier than I was.  Still working on that one a bit I’ll admit, but progress is progress.  And happiness.  I embrace it, every day.  I spread it around as often as I possibly can.  It was my promise to Ben.

All of that said – I haven’t grieved.  I know this.  I’ve known it for a long time.  I want to honor him this year.  In some way.  Plant a tree or float flowers down a river, donate to Children’s Hospital or something.  I feel like this October could be tough on me.  But maybe if I plan something to honor, the grief won’t overtake.  He wouldn’t want me to grieve.  He’d want me to find a way to bring about happiness.  I refuse to become another workaholic – as I know that is also not the answer.

I’d texted “T” that I was having a rough moment.  I was going to leave it at that.  But in a rare moment, and after some confirmation from R that I wasn’t being dumb… I also added that I needed to be honest, and that I really kind of needed my support system.  You see, I don’t’ often ask for help.  I HATE doing that actually.  I admitted that I was being stupid and needy and clingy.  And that quite frankly, no one should have to put up with THAT.  LOL.  I hate hearing about clingy, annoying, attention-seeking dumb females.  I don’t want to be ANY of those adjectives…especially to him.  But, I’m also trying to work on speaking up and communicating.  In allowing myself to be vulnerable to the people closest to me, and trusting that I’ll be safe with them.  And to be honest, T is becoming one of my best friends.  He’s someone I care about in a way I haven’t cared about someone for a very long time.  He’s someone I find myself hoping will be in my life for a very long time.  We’ve spent tons of time together and always have a blast.  But, becoming best friends takes time…. and I have no expectations for anything from any of my friends.  I certainly didn’t think he’d drop what he was doing and come over, but he did, such a sweet, caring man.  I was already feeling a lot better about my day, but that really helped bring me back to feeling whole again.  I feel truly blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

Well – I need sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.

XXO!

What a ride life can be…

Jen3 Comments

I received an email from my landlord this week. The owners we4re moving back and we need to be out by May 31st…and honestly…I am seriously stressed over it.  I’m handling the stress pretty dang well, all things considered.  Tonight I took inventory of the stuff in the house.  Wow. First off, I have a LOT of stuff.  The ex took a lot with him when he left, and still has more to come and take, and I STILL have a lot of stuff.  Funny, when you walk around my current house – it’s oddly sparse and empty – but it’s a 5000 square foot house.  The bro tried to make me feel better about all of it…”It’s a house worth of stuff.”  And yea, he’s right, but what really struck me was that it was a life’s worth.  A family’s worth.  Please don’t misunderstand.  It wasn’t sadness or longing that struck me.  I have absolutely NO desire to go back to that life.  I was so unhappy.  My kids were so unhappy.  What struck me was acceptance.  Trying to go through it all and decide what to keep and what to donate or sell.  Half the time I’d look through a pile of stuff or a collection of furniture and say “Chuck it all!”  Ok maybe it’s spring cleaning?  Out of an entire garage worth of stuff, I found maybe 3 boxes (and my scooter) that I want to keep.  That’s it!  I guess that should make moving a breeze.

Money.  God I hate it.  Have I ever said that? 😉  I do pretty well for myself – most of the time. Hence why I bought a car recently.  I was expecting to renew my lease another 6 months before thinking about moving.  Then the garnishment caught up with me. 25% of every paycheck and can I just say – DAMN that’s enough to really feel it.  But it’s only for 60 days.  I can ride that out.  Now, add up the cost of moving, first month’s rent, deposit money, plus the rent I’ll still have to pay at the old place up through May.  I know there’s a likelihood that folks will be willing to work with me a little.  I have a solid rental history.  Clear background.  Solid references and steady job history.  But my credit – always makes them do something mean like double the asking deposit…and I just don’t have it.

My mom gave me a bunch of grief about not having enough in savings. Actually – that’s not quite right – she assumed I had nothing in savings, which just burned me up a bit.  First off – none of her business.  And to prove that – I said “Mom – ok you tell me how much YOU have in savings.”  She of course wouldn’t answer that.  I have savings.  But it’s not enough to cover all of this.   She and the step dad also advised me not to ask the grandparents.  And they had valid reasons for it.  But that was going to be my next step.  Once I receive the deposit from the house i’m in now (20 days after I move out) … I can cover it all.

I’m going to go have dinner with my real dad.  Going to see if he has any side work I can do.  It takes a lot of me sucking up my own pride to go see my dad.  And it’s a weird mixed emotional bag…. part of me is excited to see him.  He’s my dad.  I’ll see my bro and I really like my dad’s new wife.  They are fun to hang out with.  But I also hate the fakeness of it all.  I hate the ache that I get when I see my dad interact with his kids.  He didn’t ever want to interact with me in that sense.  I hate the judging that happens.  I see this man maybe once a year… and everytime I do, it’s both lovely and wonderful and weird and awkward and awful and painful all at the same time.  He gets very affectionate – which throws me off… I don’t need a grown man I don’t know or trust to be all kissy kissy and tell me how much he loves me.  If that were true – we wouldn’t have the relationship we do.  Be real with me!  You had no qualms with telling me to my face that I was not good enough growing up.  That I’m overweight and can’t do what others do because of it.  That I am not at all a part of him, just my mother’s twin.  I know the lecture I’m going to get.  I know that you will do everything in your power to make me feel inferior, maybe not on purpose – but that’s how I will feel.  I know that I will have to sit and grin and bear it while I am in your home.  And I will.  I’m polite that way.  I know that you will get nosy and try and get details on every single aspect that is my life, and point out everywhere I’ve gone wrong…as if you were perfect.  Mister I cheated on every woman I’ve been with (hoping not the new wife tho, cuz honestly, she’s a gem and I adore her) and didn’t even have the decency to tell your daughter and family and that you had another child until he was 12 years old.  Or how about the guy who didn’t even call me when my grandmother passed away… or invite me to her memorial. Yea – you have every right to sit back and judge me.  The worst crime I’ve done is be overweight.  OOOOOHHHH…. lock me up and throw away the f-ing key.  I’m down a LOT of weight – and I know you’ll point it out.  I’m sure you’ll pretend to root for me and then lay on your lectures about how I need to live my life. I love the man… very much – but I also feel so conflicted about it all. Ugh – can you tell I’m looking forward to this visit?  NOT!  I look forward to seeing everyone else – But him.  I know I’m going to need some serious hugs and kisses and love when I leave.  A sanity check.

I will look at finding freelance work too, as much as I don’t want to.  In the past, freelance has always gotten me out of the occasional pinch.  I looked into tapping into my 401K but I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to do that.  It’ll be my very last resort.

I don’t even know where we’re going to move to.  I have some appointments set for this weekend.  But that scares me too.  $$ for application fees, credit checks, then they’ll want a deposit right there to hold the place and Bam! I lose the house.

I’ve gone back and forth with myself on whether to go on this mini vacation next weekend.  Whether it’s responsible with all that’s going on…but every time, I come back to the same conclusion.  Quite frankly, I need the get away.  I need a chance to recharge, unwind, quiet the mind a little.  I’ve spent 4 months effectively trying to drink from the fire hose at work.  I’m doing it for the most part.  The mind has been trying to soak everything up and it is a daunting task.  Bigger and more complicated than 10 times anything I’ve ever taken on before.  I love it.  Although the learning curve has given me a few moments here and there where I just felt awkward and dumb. I’ll get there.

 

Happy Friday Y’all!