There’s something awesome about coming to the realization that you finally understand what it is you want/need from relationships in your life. It’s been a slow realization for me, but to finally be able to concretely state all the things (and truthfully, there really aren’t THAT many) that I need to feel secure and content and happy within my relationships. Specifically – a relationship with a man. There are five in total that I’d consider deal breakers. That if these elements aren’t there … then I will hit the breaks on a potential relationship and say “F it! I’m outta here!!”.
This should be relatively obvious, but it took me a long time to realize just how much attention I need to feel secure in a relationship. I’m not overly needy. I don’t need to talk constantly… but I DO need consistent, daily contact of some sort, even if it’s a brief good morning or good night. That said – if all my contact with someone is kept to that brief, surface-level only kind of communication – I’ll need something a bit more in depth in order to balance that out and keep a connection with someone.
To note… Attention also means that when you ARE spending time with someone – they have your attention. No phones or distractions. They listen to what you have to say and aren’t half tuning you out in the hopes that you’ll finish your sentence so they can jump in with their own. If you’re going to give me attention – give me your attention – and I’ll do the same for you. Honestly, the whole “tuning out” thing is a total turn-off and if I feel like I’m not being heard – I’ll just stop talking altogether. Why waste my time?
This is a two way street. I will be enthusiastic about talking to someone and seeing them. I expect it in return – because if that is lacking – then what’s the point in trying at all? Love is already complicated enough – lack of enthusiasm about it should NOT even be a factor. I don’t want to be a consolation prize, and neither I’m sure does anyone else. Be excited to be with me – and I’ll give you the same. 🙂
Honesty – not just in words – but in actions.
A lack of honesty only breeds a lack of trust, and in my experience, once that happens – it’s ultimately game over. If I don’t trust you – then I don’t respect you. And if I don’t respect you – I will never love you. I can be one of the most patient and understanding women. What I think is interesting is that people who’ve struggled with this, with me, in my past – always made an incorrect assumption as to how I would react to a situation. Had they just informed me of what was going on – I’d have been, and in turn, they’d have been fine. Assumptions can kill things fast. Don’t assume – give me the benefit of the doubt and TRUST that I’ll react in a way that’s respectful and compassionate towards others.
Humility & a desire to improve.
This is more about me… I’m only human. I will occasionally make a mistake – as we all do! The key here is that I’ll own up to mistakes I make and work to improve myself and learn and grow from the mistakes I make. Rarely will I make the same mistake twice. I understand this about myself, and I understand it about others. I would hope to find someone who has that same level of understanding and compassion.
This is important – but it’s not all about appearance. Do we WANT to touch each other? Kiss each other? I know that if I an’t keep my hands off someone – that’s a good sign – but it better be reciprocated – or else – again – what’s the point? Sex – while not my GOAL for a relationship – is incredibly important. I’m a firm believer that the frequency and quality of a couple’s sex life directly correlates to the overall health of their relationship.
So tell me, what are your deal breakers?