I went to see a movie today.  I needed to get out of my own head and my own stresses and step into someone else’s for awhile.  I didn’t plan, I just went.  I picked the movie at random, Girl on a Train, because nothing really looked inspiring and went in.  The theater was practically empty – what do you expect at noon on a thursday?

Lesson learned… always watch a preview before sitting through a movie, especially when the movie touches hard hitting subjects for me.  Abuse, alcoholism, the accidental death of a baby… gah!  I managed to get through it, but I’m not sure I accomplished my goal AT ALL.

So… I suppose I’ll just spew my anxieties here instead.

Teenagers!  That one word should strike fear in the hearts parents everywhere.  It really should.  My teenager is a good girl.. a good kid… 85% of the time.  But those 15%… she takes “go big or go home” to heart I guess.  Yesterday I informed her that at this time, she is grounded for life, with the potential for early parole in her 30’s if she behaves herself. It’s a strange place to be in… I brag about my little girl.  When people meet her, they often remark on what a nice girl she is.  And generally – I’d agree… but she’s started lying.. and manipulating people!  Something that I think is absolutely disgraceful and disgusting to do to people.  I’m absolutely flabbergasted with this whole situation.  And it’s moments like these when I feel like I’ve failed.

I got home from the movie and the ex husband called me asking if I would lie to the government and say that he has my son 50% of the time so that he can get food stamps.  I was so pissed.  I tried to explain to him that it is THESE types of behaviors that have given our children the idea that it’s ok to be dishonest!  To manipulate a situation to get your way!  I told him No.  That I wouldn’t lie for him and hung up.  I’m still shaking.

I know my kids need a good father figure in their life.. and I always thought that they had one.  But lately – I’m realizing that perhaps I was wrong.  Perhaps the father figure they have had has actually taught them lessons and habits that are completely opposite from my own.  It’s hard for me to understand and relate to things that are so far outside my own moral compass.  Sigh… I’m doing my best tho.  It’s going to have to be good enough.  I have to remind myself that the choices my children make aren’t necessarily a reflection on the choices that I would make – they are their own people with their own paths to walk. But damn is it hard to let them.

Cheers.  Goodnight neverland.  XXO