A lesson about movies

I went to see a movie today.  I needed to get out of my own head and my own stresses and step into someone else’s for awhile.  I didn’t plan, I just went.  I picked the movie at random, Girl on a Train, because nothing really looked inspiring and went in.  The theater was practically empty – what do you expect at noon on a thursday?

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Lesson learned… always watch a preview before sitting through a movie, especially when the movie touches hard hitting subjects for me.  Abuse, alcoholism, the accidental death of a baby… gah!  I managed to get through it, but I’m not sure I accomplished my goal AT ALL.

So… I suppose I’ll just spew my anxieties here instead.

Teenagers!  That one word should strike fear in the hearts parents everywhere.  It really should.  My teenager is a good girl.. a good kid… 85% of the time.  But those 15%… she takes “go big or go home” to heart I guess.  Yesterday I informed her that at this time, she is grounded for life, with the potential for early parole in her 30’s if she behaves herself. It’s a strange place to be in… I brag about my little girl.  When people meet her, they often remark on what a nice girl she is.  And generally – I’d agree… but she’s started lying.. and manipulating people!  Something that I think is absolutely disgraceful and disgusting to do to people.  I’m absolutely flabbergasted with this whole situation.  And it’s moments like these when I feel like I’ve failed.

I got home from the movie and the ex husband called me asking if I would lie to the government and say that he has my son 50% of the time so that he can get food stamps.  I was so pissed.  I tried to explain to him that it is THESE types of behaviors that have given our children the idea that it’s ok to be dishonest!  To manipulate a situation to get your way!  I told him No.  That I wouldn’t lie for him and hung up.  I’m still shaking.

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I know my kids need a good father figure in their life.. and I always thought that they had one.  But lately – I’m realizing that perhaps I was wrong.  Perhaps the father figure they have had has actually taught them lessons and habits that are completely opposite from my own.  It’s hard for me to understand and relate to things that are so far outside my own moral compass.  Sigh… I’m doing my best tho.  It’s going to have to be good enough.  I have to remind myself that the choices my children make aren’t necessarily a reflection on the choices that I would make – they are their own people with their own paths to walk. But damn is it hard to let them.

Cheers.  Goodnight neverland.  XXO

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My last week of freedom

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Next week, I go back to work.  I’m excited and nervous and overall, feeling thrilled!  And I’m busy doing all the things I need to do in order to prepare to go back.  Got a haircut, researching trains or public transit vs. parking, need to pick up some shoes… things like that.  I’m also spending time enjoying the newest member of our family.  Onyx.  He is a very tiny, very sweet little black kitten with grey/blue eyes that we rescued this weekend.  George, my 9 year old Siamese is still reserving his judgement, but I’d say he seems OK with it.

This weekend, the kids and I will go to the pumpkin patch and pick out a pumpkin or two. I’m excited to go and enjoy a little fall.  🙂

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I’ve been in hibernation mode for a few weeks.  I’m not doing it on purpose, but I can’t seem to help myself.  Part of it is the change of seasons, but there is certainly more to it.  I will say tho, I am looking forward to our first holidays here in the new house.  I can’t wait to decorate and make a little bit of a fuss.  I look forward to making and bottling Kahlua for Christmas gifts (although this year, I’m also making candles for folks!) and doing Christmas with the kids the way we want to.  I’m also hopeful to get at least a little snow this year.  I’d bet the houses in my neighborhood would be so pretty.  It’s these dreams and ideas that are keeping my head up.  🙂  Actually, sometimes I feel a little guilty.  Life is pretty good these days.  New job, enjoying my new home, I had an amazing summer, my kids are enjoying school… I have it better than a lot of folks, and I’m truly thankful and appreciative of it all.  Knowing that, it’s sometimes hard to allow myself to be down in the dumps this time of year.  There’s so much life to enjoy!  But then I think back… 7 years ago… I was huge as a house and just ready for my pregnancy to be complete.  I didn’t know that in 10 days, I would meet a little man that would completely change my life and who I am.  There is not a single day that goes by that I do not think about him.  Sometimes it’s sad, sometimes it’s not.  Sometimes I happily reminisce, and other times it hurts deep down at the core of who I am.

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I’m doing well tho… gosh that almost sounds contrite, but that is the truth.  I’ve spent the last year or so really looking at my life, my behaviors and choices, and my patterns.  I’ve looked at my relationships with others and have chosen paths to help ensure that only healthy relationships are what I surround myself with (to the best of my ability).  I’ve learned to be alone and to be content with that.  Honestly, it feels good and I’m proud of where I am at.  Although, I am a little frustrated with my village these days.  It’s gotten a lot smaller over the past year – some of my own choosing and some not.  I’d love to make some new friends – but at the same time… now that my core inner circle has been shaken up so much, I’m hesitant to open up and take in new people.  I’m unsure of who to trust – and I realize it takes time.  I suppose finding new friends can be a bit like dating at times. LOL.  And that’s just not my idea of fun!  So, I guess it means that my village will stay small.  🙂   It will be a different holiday season for me this year, that is certain.

Well – that’s my update for now.  Have a nice day Neverland!  Love ya!

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You see, I died that day.

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On my drive to pick up my son after work, I was thinking about my post from earlier.  I was thinking about grief.  How sometimes, I just forget all about it.  I get wrapped up in life, T, work, the kids, the house… and then some days, it’s all I can think about.

Acute Grief.

Only a few weeks after Ben had passed away, a doctor diagnosed me as having Acute Grief.  I remember wanting to punch him in the face.  What do you expect?!  He’d asked me what I’d been going through from a stress level and I broke down right there in the office.  You see… I died that day.  The woman I was… she’s gone.  Left in her place was a shell; a look alike.  Acute grief.  I’ve looked it up.  It’s a real thing, and I won’t lie, I’ve related to most of the symptoms (physically and emotionally).  He wasn’t wrong.

Someone asked me why I chose the tagline for this blog that I did.

“Ramblings of a girl masquerading as a woman…”

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Because that’s what I am.  A girl in a shell of a woman, who is learning how to live again.  This year will mark six years since that day.  The new me… is essentially a little girl…I’ve had to re-learn how to breathe, how to trust, how to love.  Every day I grow just a little bit more.  Every day, I add to my goals and dreams for this new life.  Some days, I’ll work toward those dreams with gusto and some days, I’m timid and maybe even a little afraid.

Interesting how I’m just as vulnerable now as I was as a child.  Vulnerability.  We think when we’re children that we’ll get away from it.  But in reality, it is only in adulthood that we learn to accept our vulnerabilities for what they are.  And in doing that, they become strengths.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk again soon.

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Caring the least

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Why do people care so much about what others think?  Why is it that we need that kind of validation?  Why give other people control of our own lives and destiny and happiness?  If you really think about it, it’s kind of a strange behavior.  We want so desperately to be happy and loved and successful … and yet… we hand over the control of those things to other people – maybe hoping that they’ll magically deliver the answers to these wants and needs wrapped in a pretty bow.  What’s even stranger is that so often, if you look at who we typically allow to weigh in on these wants and needs – they are people who don’t have it figured out for themselves.  What makes them experts, let alone experts in my life?  It’s a strange behavior.  In the end, all we have is what we make of it.  In the end, there’s a strong chance that the people we give that kind of weight to today, won’t even be around.  And yet, we still happily hand over the keys to our peace of mind and happiness to people who likely don’t really even know the inside of our hearts.  Want to know what I think?  I think it’s a lack of self esteem or self confidence.

I’ve made a pact with myself.  I’m not going to do this anymore.  I’m not going to look to others to validate my feelings or emotions, and I’m not going to look to others to validate my actions either.  I’m going to try and start taking people’s opinions with a bit more wariness.  Not because I don’t care about them, not because I don’t respect their opinions… but because I want to live my life.  I want to make my own mistakes and get a little messy on occasion.  Of course, there will still be moments I’ll go to others for their thoughts… but that’s just it.  It’s a thought.  From a biased person.  Everyone is biased in their own ways.  Everyone.  I’m a grown up.  I’ve worked hard to get where I am.  I make good choices more often than not.  I’m a good person.  I need to trust in myself, in the things I’ve learned, the lessons I’ve been taught.  I need to trust that it’s ok to not be perfect.  I also need to trust in my own emotions.

I read an article today that had a phrase that I’ve seen on the net and in the blogosphere.  In a relationship, the person who cares the least, has all the power.  What a load of crap that is.  I mean – yes – in many ways, I suppose it’s true; And how SAD is that?!  Why is it that people are so afraid of emotions and feelings?  What is this 1950?  Are feelings and emotions still too associated with being feminine?  I’d like to propose a re-wording of this phrase.  The person who cares the least will act as an anchor; and can slow/halt it’s course.  But the person who isn’t afraid … the person who lets themselves be real and open up and love… those are the people who give you wings, and if you let your fears down and relax … maybe they’ll teach you to fly.  I’m sick of being afraid.  You can’t die from a broken heart…so what’s everyone so afraid of anyway?

Hmm… that’s an interesting realization for me.  You can’t die from emotions.

You get divorced – knocks the wind out of you – makes you mad, makes you sad, makes you lonely and question everything about everything…. but it doesn’t kill you.  Perhaps at times you might wish it would – but it doesn’t.

Losing a child.  Worst pain ever.  You lose all sense of time and tense.  You have a child.. no had.. wait – but he’s still mine – so have.  You plan the future with your child in it – you lose them- now what… it’s a strange thing.  And because grief sneaks up on you unexpectedly at times, sometimes the loss will feel fresh as yesterday, and other times it fades and is just a memory of a very painful time.  But none of it kills you.

Losing friends or loved ones, losing jobs, fighting addictions…whatever the hurdle one must overcome… same thing.

Ok – so there’s no real BAD thing that can happen from embracing emotion.  What good can come of it?

Friendship, Love, companionship, respect, trust, happiness, peacefulness, Joy, Elation, understanding, strength, hope…..I could keep going. 

I think I’ll stick to sharing and embracing my emotions.  Showing my affection.  Not fearing the repercussions or heartache of losing someone who is too afraid or broken to open up too.

Off to bed now – as it’s 2:30am and I’m still up.  Nightmares tonight.  Going to snuggle back into my comforters, they smell good tonight…Comforting.  Safe.  Maybe I can bury myself in them and just dream sweet. Sigh…