It’s easy to stumble upon moments of self doubt when you’re sick and you’re single. For it is when you’re sick, that you’re often feeling at your lowest, easily susceptible to feeling the true weight of being alone. What’s interesting to me is that I’m content 95 percent of the time with being alone. EXCEPT… when I’m sick. Then I just want company. Companionship to watch the movie SpaceBalls with, and to fight over kleenex and who gets the last orange juice!
So I just embraced those moments and spent time with myself. I’ve binge watched a bunch of movies that I haven’t seen in a very long time, ingested as much liquid vitamin C that I could possibly stand, slept when I needed to sleep, as well as lit candles and watched (from inside) the season take over the yard… the leaves changing color, a small nip in the air.
It’s lovely. It’s also unfortunate that I’m sick – as this is one of my favorite times of the year. I get to wear boots! I get to wear scarves! And although I don’t do pumpkin spice – I find those that do adorable in their charming predictability. Fall is finally here in Seattle, and I’m thrilled! I can’t wait to get out into it and catch up on work and life and the world!
Until then… I think I’ll make a cup of tea and hope that this miserable plague finally goes away enough for me to re-join the human race. Once I’m human again.
And on that note… I thought I’d share some funny meme’s about being sick. 🙂 Enjoy!
I went to see a movie today. I needed to get out of my own head and my own stresses and step into someone else’s for awhile. I didn’t plan, I just went. I picked the movie at random, Girl on a Train, because nothing really looked inspiring and went in. The theater was practically empty – what do you expect at noon on a thursday?
Lesson learned… always watch a preview before sitting through a movie, especially when the movie touches hard hitting subjects for me. Abuse, alcoholism, the accidental death of a baby… gah! I managed to get through it, but I’m not sure I accomplished my goal AT ALL.
So… I suppose I’ll just spew my anxieties here instead.
Teenagers! That one word should strike fear in the hearts parents everywhere. It really should. My teenager is a good girl.. a good kid… 85% of the time. But those 15%… she takes “go big or go home” to heart I guess. Yesterday I informed her that at this time, she is grounded for life, with the potential for early parole in her 30’s if she behaves herself. It’s a strange place to be in… I brag about my little girl. When people meet her, they often remark on what a nice girl she is. And generally – I’d agree… but she’s started lying.. and manipulating people! Something that I think is absolutely disgraceful and disgusting to do to people. I’m absolutely flabbergasted with this whole situation. And it’s moments like these when I feel like I’ve failed.
I got home from the movie and the ex husband called me asking if I would lie to the government and say that he has my son 50% of the time so that he can get food stamps. I was so pissed. I tried to explain to him that it is THESE types of behaviors that have given our children the idea that it’s ok to be dishonest! To manipulate a situation to get your way! I told him No. That I wouldn’t lie for him and hung up. I’m still shaking.
I know my kids need a good father figure in their life.. and I always thought that they had one. But lately – I’m realizing that perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps the father figure they have had has actually taught them lessons and habits that are completely opposite from my own. It’s hard for me to understand and relate to things that are so far outside my own moral compass. Sigh… I’m doing my best tho. It’s going to have to be good enough. I have to remind myself that the choices my children make aren’t necessarily a reflection on the choices that I would make – they are their own people with their own paths to walk. But damn is it hard to let them.
Work, kids, gardening, cooking, pets, house, art and movies. That is how I’ve spent my time in the last few weeks, peppered with a few random things like kayaking or the occasional shopping. Truthfully – I don’t watch a lot of TV in general. I spend so much time in front of a screen with work, that the idea of sitting in front of one at home doesn’t hold a lot of appeal. But once or twice a week, I’ll put on a movie and put my feet up and watch.
Last night, I was paging through my movie collection trying to decide what to watch. I’ve been slowly catching up on some newer movies my brother brought me, as well as re-watching old classic favorites. But in the last few weeks, I’ve picked up on a pattern, and it makes me laugh.
And that’s when it hit me… Apparently… I’m a total and complete 100%-romantic sap.
In person, and to my friends, they’d probably say “Jen?” Ha! I won’t admit that I’m a sap. Why would I?! I would adamantly proclaim that I’m a realist. That the idea of true love and all that mushy gushy stuff is lovely – but unrealistic. But then you look at the movies I’ve curled up to enjoy recently, sighing longingly over the happy endings or teary-eyed over the sad ones and I have no choice but to call myself on my own bullshit. 🙂
My daughter likes to giggle at me when I yell at the TV (please note, I ONLY do this when watching movies alone at home) – “Just KISS her already!!” I do it with scary movies too “Don’t run UPSTAIRS you idiot!!” and things like “Oh crap – well you KNOW he’s dead soon!”. I realize that the characters can’t actually hear me… and yet I do this. A lot. 🙂 I tell her that it’s my job as her mother to give her things to talk to her therapist about – this can be one of them. Why her mom feels the need to yell at imaginary characters through the TV screen.
I think it’s because I’m a visual person. I get caught up in a story – as if I am actually there. It doesn’t matter if it’s a book I’m reading, a piece of artwork I’m working on, a movie I am watching or even a daydream I’m having. Apparently, my imagination is a fine tuned machine. 🙂 I suppose it makes sense, it would explain why I love my job as much as I do – because I get to use that imagination every single day. 🙂 At least this way, I get paid to do it.
Who would have thought that my mom was wrong. As a kid – she’d tell me to get my head out of the clouds. Guess in my case, it’s better to stay in them. 🙂
My birthday is in 3 days. I’ll be 32. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl – overwhelmed and inspired by everything I see.. And other times, the wise old soul in me comes out and I feel like I’ve been around on this planet a hell of a lot longer than just 32 years. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve seen the deepest darkest depths of hell and I’ve experienced flying on some of the most amazing and joyous heights. I’m definitely on a high point these days. Sure, I may have a grumpy moment here or there. A moment when stress bubbles up and I just need a hug, but overall, I’m doing DAMN well.
Yesterday I spoke with my grandparents on the phone for a bit. What struck me about it is that about half way through the call, I think my grandfather had an epiphany. I think it dawned on him how cool his granddaughter is. We were talking about music and books and movies. I was telling him how you can learn a lot about a person by the books they have on their shelf, or the movies they collect or the music they listen to. I mentioned how people at work will often giggle at my strange playlists that range from Beethoven to Ella Fitzgerald to Nirvana to Eminem and everything else in between. He was telling me how I need to focus on building up a resource library so that anytime I need knowledge on a subject, that I can find something on my shelf. I explained to him that I can skip the huge library and just rely on the internet to help me research. He laughed and admitted to being a bit behind the times on that one. It was a lovely chat. He then put Nana on the phone. She’s one of the few people in my life who can get me to spill anything and everything without even trying. I ended up jabbering on about everything .. birthday plans, my upcoming getaway plans, the job, the kids, the bro, and … wait for it..the guy I’ve been seeing. My mom would probably intake her breath in horror. I can just hear her say.. “But Jenny! They’re old fashioned, they don’t need to hear about your love life.” Why the hell NOT?! It’s not like I’m sharing EVERY detail. I simply mentioned that I was planning a trip to get away, she asked if I was going with the kids and I said I was taking a special friend. She knew the minute I said “friend” that it wasn’t a friend and giggled and said she was happy to hear that I hadn’t embraced monkhood.
I gave her no details, other than his name… and simply said how I am happy in life right now. And I could hear it… her sigh of relief. I’m betting my family has seen how unhappy I was for a long time but never said anything. I’m sure they thought – well – at least she has her kids and her career. She may not have found love, but at least she can care for everyone she takes care of. I’ve had a TON of people comment to me in the last 4 months or so at how happy I have become. How it’s infectious and they just want to hang out all the time because it spreads to them too. Yay!! 🙂 And here’s my confession to you my dearest readers… It’s a genuine, completely content, don’t know how I ended up here, wasn’t planned and was a total surprise, cheesy, giddy type of happiness.
I’m super stoked for my birthday plans. Even tho, so far at this point, not everyone has RSVP’d. Who knows – I could end up with just a handful showing – I invited a total of 30 people. But I don’t care. I know that the people who do show up will be the ones that I’ll have a blast with and that’s really all that matters.
I’m also planning a “weekend” getaway for mid April. I’m stoked. I need it. A chance to get away to a place where there is no signal. No TV. No pressures. I can sleep in. The kids aren’t coming. I can get up at the crack of dawn and go for a walk on the beach if I want. I can build a bonfire and roast marshmallows. Find a pretty shell or a tide pool with treasures in it. The place even has a great looking spa. Get a massage and soak in a hot tub. BLISS! I’m taking Monday-Wednesday off in order to go and do this…. and as much as I am LOVING my job right now, I feel like knowing this is officially reserved and booked is what is keeping me from losing my sanity hehe.
Looks like there’s a big chance I’m going to be visiting Washington DC in June/July this year. We have a big convention for partners at that time, and I’ve pitched that if they want to do some heavy research, that’s probably the best place to do it. Should be fun. I haven’t seen much of the east coast. I won’t know for sure on the timing of all of that for another week or so, but I’m fairly positive they won’t decline my request to attend. What I need to look into now is whether I can have someone come with me. I did so much travel alone last year, I’m kind of over it.
So … let’s see what else is going on with me.
Fleetwood Mac is going back on tour. I’m trying to convince the parents to go with me to their show in November. They were one of my favorite bands growing up as a kid. Who am I kidding – I have so many “favorite bands”.. I think I need a new phrase. The last concert I went to with my parents was Super Tramp back in the 90’s. Good concert… first time I ever witnessed people smoking pot. I remember leaning over to my mom commenting on the old men who were smoking pot. She laughed at me when I said “But mom – they’re OLD!” Ahh youth.
Well – I better get on with my day. Happy Wednesday!! 🙂 Love to all of you!
I watched a couple of movies today. I debated whether I wanted to write this post in this manner or in another fashion altogether. But I’m going with it. The first movie was the Internship. Hilarious. I laughed, and cheered and swore at the TV and then cheered some more. Yea yea, I’m a dork, I know. The second movie I watched has left an imprint. I almost need to watch it again just to get it all. The movie was called “Her”. It explores what it is to have a connection with “someone”. In this case, not even a human, but a computer. It explores what love is. It explores the human psyche, divorce, a lot of different things. It showed the parts of life and love and finding of yourself that are truly beautiful and inspiring. It shows what it’s like to have the fear of being inadequate. Of being an introvert. I’d say that anyone who’s experienced a long distance relationship would relate to this movie as well. I found myself jotting down things that I found particularly moving or thought provoking, along with what must have been about 50 ideas around technology inventions. Oh the R&D team are going to either love or hate me at work. hehe.
“A heart is not a box that can be filled up. It is ever expanding.”
How true this is. And yet, so easy to forget and lose sight of. There is no concept of a heart being Full. It also means that a heart is never really empty. It is infinite. How amazing is that?! A human’s ability to feel and love is something that is truly infinite. Which means that even the coldest, most cut off hearts aren’t truly lost.
There was a scene, where he reminisced of happy times. With the wife he was divorcing. He shared his fear. Fear that maybe somehow any memories or emotions that he feels moving forward will somehow be diminished because he’d already experienced them before. It’s a fear I’ve experienced in my past. And while I know it to be not how life works – of course you’ll experience joy and happiness again… I also know in some ways it’s not totally off the mark. Your first love is likely to be remembered as something a little extra special – because it was your first.
I’m in the absolute throws of fighting a pretty mean infection – thankfully the doctor prescribed some strong antibiotics and this ear infection will be gone in no time. But I’ve spent much of the weekend fighting chills and cold sweats. I had enough of being in bed. Went and had breakfast with a girlfriend today. Was so much fun. In all the fun, we also went and had our cards read. Don’t laugh. Don’t do it. 🙂 I’m not one of THOSE people. You know – the strange nagchampa smelling, sandal wearing HIPPY people. 🙂 Nothing against them either mind you. I don’t do those things very often. I find them fascinating. I have met a few tarot card readers who are … uncanny in their accuracy. It means I respect them and their trade. Doesn’t mean others have to agree or participate – to each their own. Ok – so in my reading today, I was truly quite surprised at what came up. I never say anything. I sit and shuffle and let the person do their thing. The woman I see, her name is Raven. She’s this big beautiful african american woman. She sings soul in a jazz band as well as does tarot readings at a pagan bookstore in downtown seattle. She has a beautiful, loud belly laugh. She’s the type of person I could sit and have conversations about life with and settle in on some good food with some good music. I see her once every couple of years.
“You’ve gone through a lot of change for the positive in the last year.” – yea ok that’s kind of a duh
“You’ve recently quit online dating.” Yup.
“You worry too much about what other people think, or how others feel and are far too often a doormat for the sake of being kind” Wow thanks Raven – way to put that out there. Damn if she’s not right tho.
“Relationships and emotions are on your mind a lot” Hmm, I hate that she’s right on this one.
“you’re in a good place. Centered. Where spirit and body and mind all connect.” Yep – this is true too. I feel quite in tune with myself lately.
There was a lot more – a few things out in left field that had me surprised and off hunting for information on. But I left feeling recharged. I am on a good path. I believe in the joys of the world that surrounds me and am continually surprised and delighted by the beauty that it holds. I don’t hold as much fear about losing that joy anymore. Life is short. I’ll be damned if I don’t enjoy the joy I find and have while I can. Dream big. Fly high. Learn. Laugh. Live. Grow. And be ME. 🙂