Release the beast

Sometimes I take on too much.  I sincerely don’t mean to do it.  It’s because I want to help.  Whether it’s at work, at home, with the kids, with family, with friends or loved ones.  When someone or something I care about needs help, I jump in and do what I can.  Sometimes invited, and sometimes uninvited, which I try very hard not to do.

I’ve taken on a bit too much in the last couple of days.  Some of it actual promises and deadlines for work, others just taking on worry over work or family or friends.  I’ve had a few nightmares in the last few days.  Usually I let stress flow over me.  A rock under a waterfall has always been the visual I use to help myself in times of stress.  Especially when it’s not under my control.

That grumpy Jen I was trying to keep in the cage this morning finally burst through the doors this evening, and I don’t think she wants to cuddle and purr.  I want to pace.  I want to yell.  I want to cry and scream and throw a tantrum like a child.  I want to get on my bike and speed off into the sunset as fast as I can go.  I can’t because it needs a new battery.  Fine then… I want to get in my car and drive like a bad ass fleeing hell, but I can’t do that either.  It’s new and has this thing on it for the insurance that tracks how I drive and I refuse to pay more because of a little anger.  Ok, music! That’s it… I’ll play loud music and dance like a dork throughout my house.  Yea.  Hmm, the computer that plays the music is currently in use by the bro.  Can’t go work out until the kids go to bed.  I could probably swim a few miles no problem right now.  Stomps my foot.  What to do for an attitude adjustment in the mean time?

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Thank god we have a swing set in our backyard.  There’s something lovely about the rush and speed of the wind flying through your hair as you pummel forward, and the light weightlessness as you hang in the air for a second and then the stomach dropping plummet backwards.  Higher and higher.  Until……Release.  🙂  A bit of swinging with the kids and the grumpy Jen found a spot to lie down and purr.  I’m still going to go swimming later.  I think I need it, as I can still feel a bit of pent up energy.  I’ll simply have to put it to good use.  There is simply no point in being stupid, or letting it out on people who don’t deserve it.  This frustration isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.  I let it build.  In the last couple of days, I have let things people have said to me, get to me.  It’s rare that I do that.  But so be it.  It happened.  I’ll get over it.  Always do.  I just hate it when people think low of me.  Or think that I won’t be there for them.  I’m probably one of the most loyal people on the damn planet.  To the point where i’ll put my own needs and worries and frustrations completely aside to care for others.  It’s what I DO dang it.  Deal with it Dirwood!  That, combined with frustration over work, and worry over family and friends and it explains completely why I felt so full of pent up frustration and energy.

I also realized tonight that others have been right about one thing about me.  People have always told me that I’m “cute” or “funny” when I’m mad.  Of course, in that moment, hearing that just makes me more mad.  But tonight, as I was stomping my foot in frustration … I realized that perhaps they are right.  I don’t do the normal anger things.  I don’t really yell very much.  I talk fast and ramble, I pace, I crave the ability to speed away or just move in general.  If I’m near a keyboard, my typing speed which is already very fast at 120WPM gets even faster and typically a lot louder.  I’ll play music and sing my heart out, and my voice will waver … either in passion and vibrato .. or on the verge of cracking due to holding in the tears and emotion.  But that’s it really.  I cool down pretty quick, almost as quick as it might come on.  And then it’s done.  The angry elf turns back into the jolly elf.  😀


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