Grumpy Jen.  She’s a creature that isn’t seen very often; only coming out on rare occasions.  It’s kind of like having a tiger or panther inside of you….it’s what I imagine a wild creature would feel like in a zoo.  Pacing it’s cage in frustration.  That is me today.  The inner beast is pacing.  During these rare sitings, she can be found to take things too personally.  Her feelings get hurt, and although she may not immediately snarl at you, if you look really closely, you’ll see it behind her eyes.  Pain.  Hurt.  Frustration.  Fight or flight mode will come about VERY quickly during these times.  This creature will either turn and flee to hide under the covers, disappear for a weekend and turn off all technology and be off the grid, or she’ll stand and fight for anything and everything as if her life depended on it.  Personally, I hate this side of me.  She blindsides me every time.

I don’t know what it was about this morning.  Perhaps it was the little one waking me up early.  Perhaps it was the fact that I went to bed with frustration on my mind.  Perhaps it was knowing that this week is going to be a massive challenge as far as time management goes.  I was hoping the ex would at least be able to help me out as far as picking the daughter up from daycare for me, but he’s had a pretty massive family emergency and I won’t be able to ask him for anything until he gets that under control.  I suppose that got under my skin a little too.  His mom just got out of the hospital from fighting a pretty bad case of pneumonia, and his dad just went into the hospital … and it’s serious.  Very serious.  I’m worried for them.  I cried when the ex told me the news.  Everyone looked at me in surprise.  HELLO?!  I’m not cold hearted damn it.  These people have been my family for 11 years.  Of COURSE i’m going to be worried.  What can I do to help?  I know you’re all 3 hours away, I don’t care, I’ll drive it. Again, this was met with surprise.  Damn!  Do these people not know me at all?  I get the in-laws not expecting that from me, but the fact that the ex was truly shocked and surprised just pissed me off and hurt my feelings.  I’ll say it again… just because we are divorced doesn’t mean you’re not still my family.  How hard is that to grasp?  I love you.  I’m not IN love with you.  I have no desire to go down that path again with you… EVER.  But I still love you.  You’re the father of my children.  You’ve always been one of my closest friends.  You know me at a level that no one ever has – yea I didn’t even let you in as far as I should as far as getting behind my masks and such – but for 10 years, you were the closest person I had.  That doesn’t just stop overnight.  Your family was my family.  They took me in and loved me and my children when they didn’t have to.  Gah.  Guess that is a big part of my mood today.  Because you’ve gone silent on me.  I’ve reached out for an update, and am getting nothing.  I don’t know if your dad is barely hanging on still or if Logan is ok or if your mom is holding up.  I don’t know how you’re holding up.  I’ve sent a couple of texts, tried calling a couple of times over the last 24 hours.  I refuse to blow up your phone…that would be rude.  But you’re doing to me the one thing I can’t stand.  My Achilles heel so to speak – being ignored and shut out.  If you want the quickest way to break my heart and drive me a little crazy – that’s it.

I’m sitting in a conference room waiting for a training class to start.  I get to take 4 days this week for a training class on building apps.  Should be good for me.  Although I don’t have time for it.  I have massive deadlines and tons of meetings I’m trying to juggle and move so that I can do this.  I’m missing 2 team offsites for it too.  Sigh.  There’s just not enough of me to go around.  I want a vacation.  Hell – I need a vacation.  I want to take 3 days and get away from it all.  Turn off my phone, not check email, not have any responsibilities.  Walk a beach, recharge, take photos and write in my journal.  But that’s the flight instinct coming out in me.  Down girl!

So glad to have this blog – I’m hoping that letting all of that out of me this morning will mean I’ll be able to tone down the inner grumpy Jen, stop the tiger from pacing the cage.  Maybe this blog can serve as a way to get the tiger to curl up in a sunny spot somewhere and find a reason to just purr.