Tag: update

It feels good to be home

JenLeave a comment

hearthome

The house is really starting to come together.  The living room is mostly unpacked, same with the kitchen and the dining room.  My bedroom is coming along nicely, as is my daughter’s.  And this weekend, I will make my son’s room awesome while he’s at his dad’s.

A few friends who’ve been over have commented on how it feels like a home.  A place where they just want to come and hang and stay.  That is precisely what I was going for.  Something modern and clean and yet comfortable and inviting.  Where the fridge always has a favorite beverage and there’s always a tasty snack in the kitchen.  Where music is playing through the house or a good movie playing where you can curl up and watch it.

I’ve always wanted my home to be filled with love and laughter and experiences.

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And for the first time, in a very, very long time, I can see that shaping right in front of me.  It’s lovely.  I look forward to coming home everyday.  Maybe it’s the drastic contrast to the last few months with the roomies, but this is pure bliss.  I’ve got a lot of ideas of things I want to do, areas I want to set up… all in good time of course, as those kinds of projects take money to pull off.  But still – the vision is there.

I have a private balcony off my bedroom.  It’s completely private – the only access coming from my room.  I can’t wait to fill it with flowers this summer and sit and watch the sunset on it.  I can’t wait to sip coffee on it in the wee hours of the morning on the days I work from home.

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I bought concert tickets for a concert in September.  My daughter and I are both quite excited for it.  It’s been about a year, maybe even 2 since I’ve been to a concert.  My last one was The Fray.  It was a good concert, although I hadn’t listened to their new CD enough to really enjoy it, as they mostly played songs from it.

My birthday is coming up.  2 years ago, I tried planning a bash.  It sorta backfired on me and was a total flop.  🙂  Last year, I had to think about it.. I think if I remember correctly, I got tickets to go see a comic perform.  But I think the show happened later… which would explain why I don’t remember really doing much of anything last year.  I don’t know – my birthdays just aren’t really a big deal to me.  I love to make a fuss over other people’s birthday… but I feel odd doing that over my own.

I know my family will ask me what I want for my birthday this year, and at least I’ll have a good answer for once.  Stuff for the house.  🙂  Sure, it’s a bit of a cop out answer, but it works!

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Tomorrow night, I’m getting to visit with one of my favorite girlfriends.   We call it “book club” but it’s really just us going out for a glass of wine and getting to have some good quality girl chat. 🙂  I adore them, as much as I adore her.  Now that I’ve moved, I’m further from her than I was before, and before was already quite a long drive even to make the half way point.  But it’s worth it.  🙂  Sometimes, you just need a good laugh with a good girlfriend.

Today I had my final interview for a position with a new company.  Total, I’ve done close to 15 hours of interviews just for this position, but I’m excited, because I think I nailed it.  And this particular opportunity is one that I really want and would be very good at… not to mention, it would be an absolute BLAST.  The only downside to it, would be the commute, as it’s in downtown Seattle.  But I’d figure something out to make that tolerable as well.

I’m quite content right now, with the trajectory things are heading in my life.  I may not have it all figured out, heck, it’s all ever-changing.  But I feel good about it all.  I feel strong, confident, and happy.  Such a good thing.

Much love to you all, Goodnight Neverland!

lipstick kiss

I am enough, all on my own

Jen3 Comments

Most of my life, I have been striving to “be enough”.  Whether it be to measure up to the expectations my parents or grandparents had of me, measuring up with friends in school, pushing myself to “be enough” for my career, my kids, and of course, with my significant others.

But here’s the thing… very rarely, did I ever feel like I actually accomplished that goal.  Very rarely in my past relationships, did I feel like I came first, or was a top priority.  With the ex, alcohol always ranked higher than I did.  And truthfully, I can take some of the blame for this one… because I allowed it.

Far too often in my life, I have allowed myself to be too nice.  To be a doormat for others needs or feelings.  I have put myself in that position time after time.  Today, it dawned on me that moving forward, I cannot allow myself to accept that any more.  I don’t want to be someone’s back up.  I don’t want to be a second choice.  I’m worth more than that and I deserve more than that and it’s about time I start remembering that.  I have such high expectations for myself, and yet often, I won’t hold those same expectations of others.

Well no more.  If I look at what I ask from significant others, it’s NOT like I’m asking for too much.  I don’t need someone to support me financially.  I’m not the clingy, overly emotional type.  I actually typically don’t fall into many of those stereotypical negative girl traits.  And I’m glad.  Because I’m me.  And damn it, that’s enough.

As far as updates go – I’m mostly packed.  I think total we’re at about 90% of the way packed up and ready to go.  I’ve got to stop at the bank on the way home to get the cashier’s check for the down payment, because in the morning, I go and pay the money and sign the paperwork.  The movers will be at the old house on Friday morning.  I took the day off and I’m very happy for it.

This weekend I bought a couch, 2 chairs and a coffee table for the new place.  I also paid off the remaining balance on my new fridge and set up delivery.  Comcast will be set up and installed on Friday morning as well.  I can’t believe it, it’s all finally happening!  It feels amazing.  I’ve never been more proud of myself.  Life is really only just beginning to get good… and if I have anything to say about it, it’s only going to keep getting better.  I have the drive, the determination and the ability to go after my goals and dreams.  Everything I’ve ever wanted, is right in front of me.  🙂  I just have to have the courage to reach out and take it.

Here I go… wish me luck.  🙂

lipstick kiss

Bring on a new week!

JenLeave a comment

It was an interesting week.  Ben’s birthday came and went.  A few in my inner circle wouldn’t let me spend it alone.  Celebrated in various ways… cake with a sparkler in it,

Ben's cake, with 2 sparklers in place of candles.
Ben’s cake, with 2 sparklers in place of candles.

handing out blankets from a big bag I’d ordered to those who really needed it downtown – which was both fulfilling and heart breaking all at the same time.  A simple piece of fabric is not nearly enough to keep those people warm.

Bag of blankets
Bag of blankets

more than a few cry sessions while looking over old photos thinking about the course life takes in a more general sense of the term.  It’s interesting how a person will come to terms with grief.  This year was a little harder emotionally than I expected it to be, but at the same time, I combatted it with doing kindness acts for others.  I avoided drama at all costs.  Tried to spread smiles.  And that made it somehow ok.

Attended a formal event on Friday night.  Went and got my hair done before hand, wore a new killer dress, and some badass high heels… I felt like a million bucks.  Then Saturday night, I hung out with some old coworker friends, who are more like family, listened to a great band play in their living room complete with fog machine and lighting, ate some great Italian food, it was fantastic and kind of chill. To be honest, it was totally awesome.  The band was great, the conversation was around music, Halloween, kids, nerdy things… all things I feel completely at ease jumping in and talking about.  And a few of the party attendees were like family to me, so it was jut a great atmosphere to be in all around.

The band playing in my buddies living room. :)
The band playing in my buddies living room. 🙂

Overall – the week had it’s ups and it’s downs.  In the past, I’d have been a wreck this week.  But this year, between friends, and the way I planned it out… there was simply no reason to be.  I think I did it.  I found a way to really honor Ben, and that has left me content instead. 🙂 But all of that said, all of those plans… had me a bit worn down.  It’s why I planned to have a day, Today, when I’d be by myself.

No kids.  No plans.  A day to myself.  It’s been a while.

I was both, looking forward to it, and for some reason dreading it all at the same time leading up to it this weekend.  And then it came, and I slept in a little.  Then got up, put on my game day jersey and went and had breakfast, tuned into the game and read a book drinking coffee and not talking to anyone.  I had to really push myself to go.  Eating alone is … weird.  Sometimes I don’t mind it, especially if I have something to read… but sometimes, my social side comes out and I get a bit lonely sitting in a busy place by myself.  I worked through it.  Got my book out and I sat and ate and enjoyed a weird moment of quiet bliss where the only person I had to think about was just myself.

I drove to the park.  Watched the geese feed on early morning worms, watched a few brave souls out in rain gear doing the same thing I was.  Enjoying the foggy quiet rainy day.  There are a couple of small sailboats anchored just off the shore, I imagine the people in them are either still sleeping, or doing something indoor-ish, playing checkers while their boat rocks a gentle lulling rock. I love the stormy weather that comes with the fall.

Heavy Downpour --- Image by © Anthony Redpath/Corbis

I love the rain.  Some people look at it as a dreary thing.  Another grey dreary day.  But me?  I like to dance in it.  I like to walk in it.  I don’t care if I get soaking wet.  I’ll sit on a bench and just take it all in.  Falling rain is the opposite from a loudness scale to falling snow. I love the booming thunder, the occasional explosion of light that streaks its way across the sky.  I also love to huddle up inside, light a candle, pretend the power has gone out and drink apple cider or hot chocolate.  Use the storms as an excuse to stay in.

I ran a few errands, and then came home, I worked on my office a bit.  Unpacking and organizing, trying to get it set up to where I can actually use and enjoy it.  I’m sitting in here now.  A candle lit, music playing.  There’s nothing on my walls yet.  It’s driving me a little crazy.  I like to have art on my walls, photographs, paintings, mirrors, sconces… I have them throughout the house.

It got to be dinner time, and I decided to drive over to my favorite Mexican restaurant and treat myself – with the addition of a margarita.  Hey – I’ve always been a fan of tequila, no judging please. 🙂 And now, I’m home, deliciously relaxed, a little quiet, and quite content.  And although I’m not sure I’m looking forward to another week … I know I’ll be ready for it.  Bring it on.  I can take it.  My vacation will be here soon, and I’ll get a real break away from everything. I’m really looking forward to it.  A break away from everything…even technology and phones.  I can’t wait to see that blue water, the white powdery sands.  Bliss!

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love.

lipstick kiss

An update while recovering from pneumonia

JenLeave a comment

sick

Please excuse my absence.  I managed to come down with what I thought was just a miserable cold.  It’s been rough, I won’t lie.  BUT… I’m on the mend and starting to feel like me again so I’ll focus on that.  🙂

I’ve had a few topics on my mind in the last few days.  Things I wanted to write about and every time I’d sit down to do so, I’d get distracted by an article or an email or text.  There is so much to catch up on from the last couple of weeks, so I’ll sum it up really fast.  Took my mini-me to her first comic convention.  It was a 4 hour drive out of state to get there and we stayed the entire weekend in a hotel.

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This was her birthday present from in June.  She had a blast and I’m thrilled that she got to experience it and found such enjoyment from it.  I found her an anime wig and did some big anime eye makeup on her.  She had many people stop her and ask to take a picture.  It was wonderful to see her light up that way.  I got commended on how cool of a mom I am, which of course made my day! 🙂

The mini-me all dressed up
The mini-me all dressed up

The bro started a new job.  Scrambled a bit to find daytime care for my little one, but got there in the end.  Because I’ve been sick, I missed work last week, and this week, I’ve been pretty much working from home.  Some of the other ladies who work for me have also been sick with colds and we had a “sick party” where they came in their comfy clothes and slippers, and we worked at my dining room table with snacks and Kleenex, delivery pizza and plenty of giggles.  It’s been lovely having them here.

I re-arranged some of the main areas of my house tonight.  From a mental side of things, I needed it.  Maybe it’s because I’m getting better after being so sick, maybe it’s because there’s lots of talk of the bro moving out, maybe it’s the thoughts I’ve had of where I’m going to put my xmas tree this year… but I’ve had my home on the brain a lot lately.  It’s decorations, the layouts of the room, how to get more efficient and organized and how to make it feel like home.  I haven’t had Nana and Granddad over yet.  I’m just not ready for them to see it in the state it’s in.  Don’t misunderstand, it’s not horribly messy or anything like that.  I still haven’t finished unpacking – and frankly – I actually don’t care so much.  There is still a box in my dining room to unpack, a box in my bedroom, there’s a box by the front door that I haven’t touched.  And a garage, half full of boxes of life.  It’s highlighted to me just how much “stuff” I had.  And I knew that.  In that big house we came from, a six bedroom house to fill, and a family inside of it, accrues a lot of material possessions and things.  These are the things that still half-fill my garage; random decorations, old year books and parts or pieces to old hobbies that had been put aside, extra frivolous kitchen appliances that rarely get used, in my case, there’s also an extra couch and dining room set.  I’ve promised myself that the things I don’t touch in a year – get tossed.  I hate clutter; and yet somehow, I’ve managed to gather quite a lot of it.

clutter

Between kids, moves, and breakups and divorce… the clutter seemed to creep in; and I didn’t really seem to care or notice.  I see it now.  Tonight, I spent a fair chunk of time going through some of the clutter.  It’s only scratching the surface, but the re-arranged rooms helped me stay motivated.  I think I needed that refreshment, because tonight, looking around at what I got done and having the ideas in my head on what I’m going to do to finish each room, it’s finally starting to feel like home.

George, my cat, is sprawled across my favorite chair, the room is flickering with candle light; the carpets are clean, the room is dusted, the kitchen is even clean… I really got a lot accomplished tonight after I finished work.  I KNOW I’m feeling better.  🙂  Last Wednesday, I felt more like I was on death’s door and could barely get out of bed.  And yea, I still sound like absolute crap when I cough.  Laying down at night isn’t as fun either, as I feel a bit like I’m drowning.  It’s kind of funny, I keep referring to myself as a squeaker toy because I take a breath and squeak like one.  What I’m finding “interesting” is that my dreams have increased while I’ve been sick.  I’ve had more nightmares in the last couple of days than I’ve had in a very long time and I’m unsure what’s triggered it.  Last night, I dreamt I was in a horrible motorcycle wreck. In my dream, I felt the pain of a car driving over the top of me, and when I woke, I could swear I still felt it.  It’s amazing what the mind does with a dream.  I then had a second dream that started out innocuously enough but ended with a blow to the heart emotionally that had me crying out in my sleep.  I hate dreams.  I find that if I go to bed with a clear head, that I have a better chance of not having any, but they still sneak up on me.  I wish I could find a better solution.

I’m tinkering with a couple of ideas for new innovation in my head right now and it’s wonderful.  I missed doing that kind of work, and with as busy as work has had me lately, I didn’t think I’d be able to sneak in the time to do more of it.  But I find that later in the night, before I fall asleep, I’ll get some really interesting ideas and jot them down.  Sometimes I’ll bounce them off T if he’s around, and sometimes I just journal them and keep them for later.  I have FAR too many notebooks with these kinds of things in them.  It would be interesting to somehow collect it all in a way I could re-read it all.  🙂

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These latest ideas are involving robotics, one involving transportation and one involving personal computing.  I want to get my hands on a google glass device – but how would I explain that at work?  I’m already considered a traitor for using an android phone.  See, it’s my opinion – I don’t care about the brand.  Does it work?  Does it solve a problem or a need that I have or make my life easier or less dependent on the unimportant things?  Cool, then I’ll try it.  If it somehow chains me down, or makes things worse, then heck no am I going to spend decent money on a gadget that’s just the next popular thing.  I’m VERY picky.

Well – I should get some sleep.  It’s later than I’d realized.  I hope you are all well.  Goodnight Neverland.  XXO