Tag: strength

Just a quick post before bed

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It turned out to be a good week at work, and it ended on a high note with a great weekend.  I spent time with the kiddos, got caught up on a few chores, and generally just enjoyed some time at home.

Tomorrow, a new week will start.  I’m excited for it, as I made some interesting progress last week that should carry forward into these next few and the progress has me anticipating what will come around the bend.

I have my counselor appointment tomorrow.  I’m starting to see “progress”.  I put that in quotes because I don’t know that it’s progress as in moving forward just yet.  It’s more of about coming to an understanding of why I am the way I am, how I work, and what the patterns are for my behavior.  Honestly, it’s been kind of fascinating so far.  It’s also been incredibly difficult.  I didn’t expect to have to open up old wounds.  Not sure why I didn’t.  I think I thought – “Hey, I’m in a crisis mode right now, let’s Band-Aid it and move on…”  But no, it doesn’t work like that.

I read through some old journals this past week.  It was incredibly eye opening, and made me feel good about how far I’ve come.  How much I’ve changed and grown.  I’m definitely not that girl anymore, at least not in big ways.  There are still themes that come up tho.  I’m still incredibly hard on myself.  I’m still a total romantic sap who secretly pines for love notes and music and candle light. I’m still a dreamer and a lover. I crave blanket fort filled rainy days and random dances in the middle of the street.  And I need reassurance and praise when I do well or make someone happy.  In my past, I was never good at communicating those needs.  I’m not even sure I knew they were “needs”.  But I’ve worked hard on making sure I communicate better.  It’s a learning process. 🙂

I don’t fight anymore – A. Because I don’t have anyone that I need to fight with and B. What purpose does fighting serve?  Yelling … I’m sorry but I’ve certainly had my fill of it in the last 12 years.  I don’t need any more of it.  I’d rather talk it out, calmly find a solution and move on…compromising when needed.  It all balances out in the end anyway.

Here’s to a new week… to a stronger, wiser me… to sweet dreams and even brighter futures.  Goodnight neverland.

lipstick kiss

Gift of Strength

Jen1 Comment

Tonight I got an odd lesson in where I learned to embrace my inner strength.  I always attributed it to my grandparents and mom.  It’s interesting, as an adult, how we see things differently than we did as a kid.  Tonight, I called my dad and went over there tonight with the kids.  We had a good time.  He kept pouring the wine and pestering me about what was up with me.  I finally broke down in tears.  Shared all that’s been weighing on me.  Dad doesn’t like tears.  His wife hugged me while I got the reaming I didn’t know I needed from my father.  He told me to put my walls back up, embrace my strength.  Stop worrying about pleasing every body else in my life and focus simply on me and my kids.

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To let no one into my walls unless they have earned it and truly deserve it.  He’s taken the stance that his life is his castle – he’ll defend it to the death and protect and care for what is truly his. Everything and everyone else – they are on the outside of his castle (myself included) and unless they come to him, he won’t bother about them and that I need to do the same.  Told me to tell other people to shove it and to just work and be happy in my castle.  He says it’s what I do, what I’ve always done.  Do it and quit being a coward.  He also said how he’s never worried about me.  In all that I’ve gone through, he’s never worried that I wouldn’t pull through.  I’d get lost and he knew I’d find my way.  That I was smart and quick on my toes as far as thinking things through and stubborn enough to pull anything off.  My dad can be very blunt.  🙂  As a child, I hated his lectures and rants, but as an adult, I recognize when I need them.

Poor T called in the middle of my dad’s lecture and in my wine induced loose tongue, I invited him to come join us with Dad.  He showed up with roses and snickerdoodle cookies (I know – he’s a keeper that one.  A man who’s brought me both steak, and now cookies).  We all ate dinner and enjoyed good home cooking, played with the kids, teased each other, and caught up.  I played a prank on my brother for him to find when he got home. I’m grateful to have spent the evening feeling relaxed, happy and in a better place with family that I love.  It was nice for T to see it too.  As messed up as we all are, my family is my family.  I love them.  I love spending time with them when we all can.  I loved having him there to share that with me.

Tomorrow, I will go to work.  I will do as Dad said (to some degree).  Going to put up my walls and just enjoy doing what I love doing.  Design.  I’m going to focus on the happy things in my life.  I’m going to follow my heart and do the things that will improve my life moving forward, rather than slow it up or hinder it.

courageous

Musings over the hypothetical

Jen2 Comments

Asking-For-Help

I rarely ask for help.  I rarely will admit defeat enough to realize that I even NEED help.  I suppose it’s prideful, but I don’t like to admit to that kind of weakness.

I feel like today, I am officially raising my hand.  I’m feeling lost and very alone in some decisions that I have to make.  The last thing I need or want right now, is to be alone with my thoughts.  I’m in this strange stage where the last thing in the world that I want is to be alone or to be given space.  T is the kind of guy who needs his alone time and space, so I feel bad asking for more of his time.  I hate to think of myself as a needy or clingy kind of girl.  And because he’s the type to need his space… he doesn’t fully understand what I mean when I asked him to check up on me.  I explained where I was at, and did my best to help him understand that this week, I could really use his attention and time.  He promised to check on me, but I don’t think he really gets it.  Oh well – I suppose this is one of those learning curve kind of moments.  At least I’m doing fairly well with communicating.  We’ll get there. I’m grateful for what time I get and even more appreciative of how affectionate and sweet he’s been this week.  Thankfully, the bro and his girlfriend have recognized that in me and have kept a very close watch over me in the last couple of days.  My appreciation for them doing that is immense.  I booked an appointment with a counselor.  She specializes in a few things that I know I need to work on.  Self esteem being one of them.  I wish the appointment was this week.  Monday feels very far away.

In the past couple of days – I’ve gotten into some interesting conversations with a few people in my inner circle about a subject I’ve never broached before.  I tend to avoid subjects like religion and politics with friends.  Why go there?  But in the last couple of days – a new subject has come up.  Abortion.  It’s amazing what you learn about people when these topics come up.  Hell, it’s amazing what you learn about yourself.

I’m pro-choice.  Which – I should add, that means I believe someone has a choice.  They can choose to continue a pregnancy and they can choose to end it.  CHOICE being the key word there.  For me personally, I’ve always chosen life.  But that choice always came with a cost.  I chose to continue the pregnancy with Ben and my choice led to a grown man destroying himself.  But I also had a different kind of choice.  I had to choose to turn off the machines and give up on my son.  I had to sign a paper telling the doctors and medical staff to not save his life or work on him further.  I then had to hold him in my arms and watch and listen to him as he took his final breaths.  It broke me.  Not sure I’ve ever really admitted that fully.  I do a lot of posturing about my strength and how I watched everyone else crumble.  I rarely admit to the fact that inside – I died that day too.  Me – one of the most stubborn people on the planet, gave up on one of the few people in my life who I should NEVER give up on.  My child.  Because of this – I don’t think I could ever go through with an abortion.  No judging from my end on those who could or do – I just think the guilt and shame and depression would suck me under and I’d never break free again.

BUT – all of that said – I know for a fact that I also could never go through a pregnancy like the ones I’ve gone through in the past.  Where I’m alone in wanting to bring that child into the world.  Where every joy and every milestone is ignored or goes unnoticed or uncelebrated.  People say it’s a woman’s choice because it’s her body – and yes – that is true.  But the choice a woman makes can make or break a situation.  In the past – when my ex asked in his own way for me to abort a pregnancy – I triumphantly would declare HELL NO or FUCK OFF.  Were I to be in that kind of situation now, with the man I love,…if he wasn’t comfortable or felt it to be unwise, I’d find a way to deal with it and likely give him what he wants.  Not sure I’ve ever loved a man THAT much before.  I mean – yes, I’d be heart broken if he wasn’t excited and ready to take that leap off the parenting cliff with me, but it’d be better knowing that sooner rather than later.  I love my kids, I love being a parent.  The unconditional love you feel and experience when you hold your child for the first time.  It’s indescribable.  And I’d love another child.  A little girl.  Maybe someday, it’ll happen and maybe not.  But I know me – I refuse to ruin a man’s life by chaining him with a child he doesn’t want for 18 years.  That the idea of a pregnancy alone is so horrible, that I’d abort and find a good counselor and fight the depression, the guilt, and the pain just to make that man happy.  Why?  Because I feel I can take the pain.  I’ve already experienced the most incredibly painful thing in the world… how bad could it be? The bro thinks my opinion is nuts.  That a man should man up.  Accept it and be there, or don’t and bugger off for good.  He got angry with me over my opinion.  Saying that if I ever got into that type of situation… that he’d hope that I’d do what is best for ME, not the man.  He went on and on about how it would speak volumes about a man if he allowed me to put myself through the emotional turmoil of ending a life again.

It leaves me curious – dear readers.  I know it’s a taboo subject, so please don’t think me rude for asking – but what are your thoughts and opinions on this?

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A painful eve

Jen4 Comments

It is raining outside.  I love the sound of it on my roof.  There’s a dog barking off in the distance.  It’s a lonely sound.  I had the urge to go out and just dance in it for a bit.  My kids are tucked in bed.  Although there’s already been a few requests for water and extra hugs.  🙂  I’ve been looking at pictures.  I have also been drinking wine.  Tomorrow is Ben’s birthday.  I’m listening to music… tucked away in my bed.  Ok, I’m hiding.  Fine.  I’ll admit it.  But a song came on the radio on my way home tonight that had me bawling.  I pulled the car over and just cried and cried and cried.  Perhaps the clouds decided to echo my own feelings and actions.

I spent some time with my kids.  Made dinner.  I forced myself to hold it together.  My daughter informed me that Grandma wanted me to call her.  I knew why.  I wasn’t going to call her until after the kids went to bed.  She called me.  She asked if I’d come and plant daffodil bulbs with her tomorrow, in Ben’s honor.  She’s done it a few years now, and when they come up in spring, she calls them Ben’s flowers.  I hung up and cried and cried some more.  Ack!

I have tomorrow off.  One of my friends is coming over in the morning, we’re going to bake a cake while she works from here.  Then I’ll go to my mom’s, and then I’ll go hand out blankets to the homeless.  It has become my tradition.  Doing something kind for others.  I do it for him.  I hope to get brave enough to go and find his name on the wall at the Children’s hospital.

Tonight I had a friend try and bring a bit of drama.  She’s upset about something she shouldn’t be upset about.  I tried talking to her about it the last couple of days, and now she wants to resort to name calling and drama.  I didn’t engage.  At least not the way I think she expected me to.  I said how I wasn’t the name she’d called me.  I then told her that I wish her the very best of happiness, and that right now, I am in no shape to handle stress or drama right now.  I am embracing my inner Buddhist.  I don’t care about all the stupid insignificant little bullshit we as humans tend to wrap ourselves up in.  It doesn’t matter.

I remember feeling like my life, my world just STOPPED… and all I could do was watch the world wiz by.  It was such a strange feeling.  I wanted to call out, yell, demand why the world hadn’t stopped with me. Having read a bit about grief and loss, I’ve come to learn that it’s a common feeling for anyone dealing with a bit of shock after a loss.  I find that a little bit comforting.  But what I learned from that moment, was that the world keeps turning, even if I fall down and break.  Even if everyone I know falls down and breaks, the world keeps going.  People go to work, kids go to school, it was incredibly humbling.  I became more empathetic to the world around me.  When you experience unbearable emotional pain, you hate to see anyone else in it.

T emailed me tonight.  Raising a  glass to Ben and thanking him for shaping me into who I am.  Unexpected, and makes me tear up and still smile.  I’m so grateful for the people in my inner circle right now. They are patient and kind to me right now, a smile and a friendly face, a safe place to be me and do what I need right now to honor and mourn my son.

Well – I need some sleep.  goodnight Neverland.  I’m sure you’ll hear from me tomorrow.  XXO

What ever you do… do NOT push the button.

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We all have them.  Buttons that when pushed will either set us off, or trigger tears, or both.  Some buttons are easier to push than others, depending on who you are of course and who’s pushing the button.  It takes a long time for me to lose my temper.  I’m slower to heat – but when I do – it boils…unless of course you manage to hurt me, then I don’t boil – at least not at the person who pushed the button.  Then I just erupt inside.  Tonight was one of those for me.  It’d been a long day.  Relatively good in some ways – and relatively shit in others.

I spent FAR too much time crying today.  Mostly because my ex pushed buttons.  I’m trying… SO… HARD… to be civil.  To not fight.  To not engage when he’s in an angry mood.  I’m successful most of the time at it.  But occasionally – he’ll break through and find a way to make me hurt.  Deep hurt.  Typically around Ben.  When will that stop being a button?  I suppose when I let it stop?  I don’t know.

We spoke of Ben tonight.  In some considerable length actually.  Let’s just say that my head hurts from all the crying.  Who knows, Ben’s been a topic lately – maybe it’s life’s way of telling me to deal with it.  To get some emotions out.  I was pretty angry tonight at one point.  So angry I was shaking.  I NEVER get like that, but my momma bear came out a little bit at one point.  I was holding back the snarls, the tongue lashing was hovering just on the tip of my tongue.  It used to be, when I was younger, that I would let my mouth say whatever it wanted.  I could give a tongue lashing like no other.  Still can if I allow it.  I unfortunately learned at an early age the power behind words – and just how much they could cut.  BUT… the years have taught me that really – its not worth it.  You end up hurting yourself just as much if not more than the other person (in the long run).  Saying things in the rush of the moment – without thinking of the repercussions only get’s you into trouble.  You end up saying things that maybe you don’t mean.  You might mean them at that moment, but those things that are said, you can’t take back.  It’s taken me about 9 years or so to get to this point.  And yea, sometimes I’ll admit that maybe my pendulum has swung a little too far in the opposite direction, but I’m also proud of who I’ve become.  It takes a lot to bring me to a point where I’ll unleash on someone.  Unless it’s the momma bear breaking through – then that comes lightening fast.  🙂

I’m proud that I’m learning to communicate on a different level.  It feels healthier.  It feels calmer.  I hate getting yelled at.  I hate being made to feel like I’m worthless, or that I was never wanted, never good at anything – other than being a mom and being a paycheck.  And that’s what the ex did tonight – maybe not intentionally – although maybe so – who knows?  I’ll consider the source.  I’ll put it away and know comfortably that ultimately… I’m in a good place in life.  And it’s getting better every single day.  Overall – I’m very happy.  Yea – ok, the last few weeks have had their ups and downs and life has handed me some stress… but when doesn’t it do that?  That is the very nature of life.  Ups and downs, stress and drama and joy.

“T” texted me when I was in the middle of dealing with the ex tonight. Then called.  I didn’t get to him because of the drama until a bit later.  It took him maybe 10 seconds before he heard right through me and called me out on not being ok.  I wasn’t.  I was a wreck. He came over.  I’d managed to compose myself before he arrived tho.  But I’ll admit, I felt stupid knowing he was coming over to make me feel better… again.  Friday and now Monday.  GEEZ.  I felt like I was becoming a nuisance.  He cheered me up.  He always does. The silly man thought I was mad at him and avoiding him.  Nope… never.  FIrst, if I’m mad at someone, I’ll tell them I’m mad at them.  THEN I’ll avoid.  LOL.  Well – it depends on how badly you push my buttons actually.  Second… he’s done absolutely nothing for me to be mad at.  Hence why I say he’s a silly man. 🙂

You all cheer me up too.  I can’t go to bed now without doing some form of writing.  Sometimes, if I don’t want to sit at my machine, I’ll write in a notebook or journal.  But I prefer the keyboard because it’s so much faster.

Well neverland, it’s time I bid you adieu.  Goodnight.  Sleep well.

XXO!