Once I’m human again… an ode to fall.

It’s easy to stumble upon moments of self doubt when you’re sick and you’re single.  For it is when you’re sick, that you’re often feeling at your lowest, easily susceptible to feeling the true weight of being alone.  What’s interesting to me is that I’m content 95 percent of the time with being alone.  EXCEPT… when I’m sick.  Then I just want company.  Companionship to watch the movie SpaceBalls with, and to fight over kleenex and who gets the last orange juice!

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So I just embraced those moments and spent time with myself.  I’ve binge watched a bunch of movies that I haven’t seen in a very long time, ingested as much liquid vitamin C that I could possibly stand, slept when I needed to sleep, as well as lit candles and watched (from inside) the season take over the yard… the leaves changing color, a small nip in the air.

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It’s lovely.  It’s also unfortunate that I’m sick – as this is one of my favorite times of the year.  I get to wear boots!  I get to wear scarves!  And although I don’t do pumpkin spice – I find those that do adorable in their charming predictability.  Fall is finally here in Seattle, and I’m thrilled!  I can’t wait to get out into it and catch up on work and life and the world!

Until then… I think I’ll make a cup of tea and hope that this miserable plague finally goes away enough for me to re-join the human race.  Once I’m human again.

And on that note… I thought I’d share some funny meme’s about being sick.  🙂  Enjoy!

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Ahh… friends…

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I wasn’t feeling 100 percent when I went to work this morning, but I’ve gotten used to that in the last couple of weeks as I’ve been getting over this annoying bout of pneumonia.  I ended up leaving early and coming to work from home, as the fever decided to catch back up with me and I was burning up the office.  Suffice it to say, I wasn’t in the best of moods when I left work.  I hate getting sick.  I just want to do what I normally do, and no matter how much I tried to “power through” this… it’s not letting me.  So of course, I posted a whiney comment on my facebook.  And in true fashion, as they always do, my friends rallied around me.  Both with a mix of taunting and sarcasm and caring and sweetness.  Which I’ll admit – is the PERFECT combination to make me actually do something.  So what did I do?  I posted some lovely sarcastic wit back at them, stuck my tongue out at them, and then called my doctor. 🙂  I’ll be DAMNED tho if they are gonna make me take some weird funny essential oil cures or heaven forbid – drink water! ACK!  😀  hehe.  But I love them.

Good friends.  Where would I be without them?  Lost, for sure.  They kick me in the ass when I need it.  They motivate and inspire me when I need it.  They bring me chocolate, wine, silly stupid movies to watch and Kleenex when I need it.  They let me spoil them rotten and love them in my way.  I made a friend a little present today.  She needed some cheering up and I knew a quick sketch would do the trick.

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Had her laughing and happy again.  Something that took me 10 minutes to do, and I made her day.  I love that!  It’s a total inside joke – which made it even better.  (yes – that’s her in the sketch).  Sorry J – if you read this – I couldn’t help but post it here.  But the joke will stay between us, I promise.  🙂  Now – of course she’s having it made into a t-shirt which is just even funnier.  Funny how my friends are sometimes just as close to me as my family.  I’d give them the world if they asked.  (so long as they share in the glory of being ruler of that world dang it).

Well folks – I’m off to go get the kiddos to bed, then cause a bit more trouble.  🙂  Goodnight Neverland!

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An update while recovering from pneumonia

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Please excuse my absence.  I managed to come down with what I thought was just a miserable cold.  It’s been rough, I won’t lie.  BUT… I’m on the mend and starting to feel like me again so I’ll focus on that.  🙂

I’ve had a few topics on my mind in the last few days.  Things I wanted to write about and every time I’d sit down to do so, I’d get distracted by an article or an email or text.  There is so much to catch up on from the last couple of weeks, so I’ll sum it up really fast.  Took my mini-me to her first comic convention.  It was a 4 hour drive out of state to get there and we stayed the entire weekend in a hotel.

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This was her birthday present from in June.  She had a blast and I’m thrilled that she got to experience it and found such enjoyment from it.  I found her an anime wig and did some big anime eye makeup on her.  She had many people stop her and ask to take a picture.  It was wonderful to see her light up that way.  I got commended on how cool of a mom I am, which of course made my day! 🙂

The mini-me all dressed up
The mini-me all dressed up

The bro started a new job.  Scrambled a bit to find daytime care for my little one, but got there in the end.  Because I’ve been sick, I missed work last week, and this week, I’ve been pretty much working from home.  Some of the other ladies who work for me have also been sick with colds and we had a “sick party” where they came in their comfy clothes and slippers, and we worked at my dining room table with snacks and Kleenex, delivery pizza and plenty of giggles.  It’s been lovely having them here.

I re-arranged some of the main areas of my house tonight.  From a mental side of things, I needed it.  Maybe it’s because I’m getting better after being so sick, maybe it’s because there’s lots of talk of the bro moving out, maybe it’s the thoughts I’ve had of where I’m going to put my xmas tree this year… but I’ve had my home on the brain a lot lately.  It’s decorations, the layouts of the room, how to get more efficient and organized and how to make it feel like home.  I haven’t had Nana and Granddad over yet.  I’m just not ready for them to see it in the state it’s in.  Don’t misunderstand, it’s not horribly messy or anything like that.  I still haven’t finished unpacking – and frankly – I actually don’t care so much.  There is still a box in my dining room to unpack, a box in my bedroom, there’s a box by the front door that I haven’t touched.  And a garage, half full of boxes of life.  It’s highlighted to me just how much “stuff” I had.  And I knew that.  In that big house we came from, a six bedroom house to fill, and a family inside of it, accrues a lot of material possessions and things.  These are the things that still half-fill my garage; random decorations, old year books and parts or pieces to old hobbies that had been put aside, extra frivolous kitchen appliances that rarely get used, in my case, there’s also an extra couch and dining room set.  I’ve promised myself that the things I don’t touch in a year – get tossed.  I hate clutter; and yet somehow, I’ve managed to gather quite a lot of it.

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Between kids, moves, and breakups and divorce… the clutter seemed to creep in; and I didn’t really seem to care or notice.  I see it now.  Tonight, I spent a fair chunk of time going through some of the clutter.  It’s only scratching the surface, but the re-arranged rooms helped me stay motivated.  I think I needed that refreshment, because tonight, looking around at what I got done and having the ideas in my head on what I’m going to do to finish each room, it’s finally starting to feel like home.

George, my cat, is sprawled across my favorite chair, the room is flickering with candle light; the carpets are clean, the room is dusted, the kitchen is even clean… I really got a lot accomplished tonight after I finished work.  I KNOW I’m feeling better.  🙂  Last Wednesday, I felt more like I was on death’s door and could barely get out of bed.  And yea, I still sound like absolute crap when I cough.  Laying down at night isn’t as fun either, as I feel a bit like I’m drowning.  It’s kind of funny, I keep referring to myself as a squeaker toy because I take a breath and squeak like one.  What I’m finding “interesting” is that my dreams have increased while I’ve been sick.  I’ve had more nightmares in the last couple of days than I’ve had in a very long time and I’m unsure what’s triggered it.  Last night, I dreamt I was in a horrible motorcycle wreck. In my dream, I felt the pain of a car driving over the top of me, and when I woke, I could swear I still felt it.  It’s amazing what the mind does with a dream.  I then had a second dream that started out innocuously enough but ended with a blow to the heart emotionally that had me crying out in my sleep.  I hate dreams.  I find that if I go to bed with a clear head, that I have a better chance of not having any, but they still sneak up on me.  I wish I could find a better solution.

I’m tinkering with a couple of ideas for new innovation in my head right now and it’s wonderful.  I missed doing that kind of work, and with as busy as work has had me lately, I didn’t think I’d be able to sneak in the time to do more of it.  But I find that later in the night, before I fall asleep, I’ll get some really interesting ideas and jot them down.  Sometimes I’ll bounce them off T if he’s around, and sometimes I just journal them and keep them for later.  I have FAR too many notebooks with these kinds of things in them.  It would be interesting to somehow collect it all in a way I could re-read it all.  🙂

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These latest ideas are involving robotics, one involving transportation and one involving personal computing.  I want to get my hands on a google glass device – but how would I explain that at work?  I’m already considered a traitor for using an android phone.  See, it’s my opinion – I don’t care about the brand.  Does it work?  Does it solve a problem or a need that I have or make my life easier or less dependent on the unimportant things?  Cool, then I’ll try it.  If it somehow chains me down, or makes things worse, then heck no am I going to spend decent money on a gadget that’s just the next popular thing.  I’m VERY picky.

Well – I should get some sleep.  It’s later than I’d realized.  I hope you are all well.  Goodnight Neverland.  XXO

A glorious day

The move is done.  I’m officially out of the old place.  No more cleaning, no more trips between houses, no more busting my ass to ensure that the dreaded timeline I had looming over my head was met with satisfactory results.  It’s really – quite a glorious day today.

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I got sick this weekend.  Really sick this weekend.  On the floor, couldn’t move from pain, couldn’t stop throwing up, bawling like a baby, begging someone to just help me kind of sick this weekend.  The bro took me to the ER and dropped me off.  Which i was both grateful for and pissed for… I HATE hospitals.  They freak me out.  For good reason.  I spent FAR too much time in them from Ben and Grayson.  I walk into the building – which always smells like an odd mix of rubbing alcohol, latex and paste… why paste?? – and feel an immediate anxiety in my chest at being there.  An immediate sense of distrust at what they’ll do or find or say.  My instinct is to run.  I even asked the nurse towards the end of my stay if they’d ever had someone disconnect their own IV and just run out.  She told me that only crazy people did that – and it always ended up with them being tackled before they hit the exit and restrained.  Note to self – we do NOT want THAT!  I was massively dehydrated, weak, sore and really needed the help.  And I was scared, pissed off and all alone.  Let’s just say that I was acutely aware of both my surroundings, how shitty I felt, and the fact that I had no support system to keep my spirits up.  Now, 3 days later, I’m finally feeling a bit like me again.  A bit bruised and banged up from all the IV’s and blood draws…but finally on the mend.  I’ll admit, I pushed it in the last couple of weeks.  Too hard.  I do that.  I wrap it into my head that I can buckle down and make it through.  So what if I don’t feel very good – suck it up girl and get on with it!  Deal with whatever pressures, demands and stress life has tossed my way and handle it with grace, kindness, and intelligence.  That is my way.  That is who I am.  It is this mentality that has gotten me through more often than not.  BUT – on occasion – it is this mentality that is also sometimes my undoing.  This is often when a friend or family member will insist on me slowing down – and they’ll insist by force when they need to.

The bro and my 2 best friends basically did that in their own separate ways this weekend.  They’ve all now taken to reminding me throughout the day to drink water, or drink my Gatorade (I had to promise the doc and nurses that I’d drink it like it was going out of style this week), to eat, to nap, to not push it too hard at work.  Hello?!  This is me we’re talking about.  Head strong, stubborn ass of an Aries woman who doesn’t quit, who never caves and damn it all – certainly doesn’t break.  At least – not very often.  LOL.  I love them for their concern.  Actually – I’ll admit here what I’d never admit to their faces (they’d never let me live it down)… I need it.  I need the firm, gentle reminders.  I needed to feel that I was important to someone other than my kids and those who rely on me for financial aid.  And that’s precisely what I was shown in the last few days.  I am cared about.  I am loved.  I may be strong as steel, but I’m still not superwoman.

Now that the move is done, I can focus on unpacking.  You should see my garage.  It is literally packed from floor to ceiling.  Nothing is marked.  This was by far, the most unorganized move of my life.  But whatever!  It’s done!  I’m in my own place.  MY OWN PLACE.  Not a place I shared with the ex..  not a place with memories or bad juju.  MINE.  I’m thrilled by that.  And in 2-3 years, I will once again pack everything and move again – only… then – I hope it will be into a place that I own.  Not one I rent.  2-3 years.  It’s not very long, but in some ways it feels like a lifetime away.  I know it will fly by.  Grayson will be 5-6 years old. My favorite age.  Hmm… I wonder where I’ll be in my career.  I wonder where I’ll be in my relationships.  I know what I’m hoping for.  To be in love, stable, happy, with a path or trajectory that I understand and agree with.  To belong to someone, and them to belong to me.  We’ll go with that for now. 🙂

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Happy Tuesday everyone.  Hope you all are well and safe and happy!

XXO

What is Hot?

I had a great day.  Despite being sick and spending most of it in bed.  When I did get out of bed, I did my best to dance and cheer around the house.  It’s what happens when I get sick of being in bed.  I get kinda silly.  The folks I care about all seemed to be in good moods today too, which always helps.  When they are happy – my happiness is greater.  I found a few fun songs to bust a move to randomly during dinner, made everyone laugh.  Of course, then another wave of fever takes over and I’m back in bed hiding beneath blankets and answering anyone with a muffled “Go Away, you’ll get SICK!” to anyone who calls for me.  It’s a fun time.  I should warn you all, I’m a little drugged with a variety of meds tonight, so my writing may or may not be affected… you have been warned.

The bro made a statement yesterday that I’ve been really thinking about.  Just because you’re not skinny doesn’t mean you’re not hot.  Wow!ImageI think for 31 years I’ve truly thought that the definition of hot was NOT plus sized.  I know it’s wrong – but look around us?  The world embraces the skinny beautiful women.  I think maybe in my twisted brain I came to believe that big could be beautiful or pretty but not “Hot” or “Sexy”.  See, and even writing that statement, I know it’s inherently wrong, but the few women who do prove that in the fashion, entertainment or even sex industries, to me are edge cases.  (Just to be clear, in my book, that means they deserve extra credit and respect because they made it to where they are with a battle of being plus sized as a hurdle they had to conquer).  Making it over that battle is not a norm; therefore, they are an edge case.   AND … most images these days are photo-shopped anyway.  You certainly don’t see cellulite or muffin tops … unless they are being deliberately called out by tabloids or articles poking fun.  But it’s still an interesting statement.  Does hotness equate to skinnyness?  No.  I’ve met some skinny people who were in no way hot – inside or out.  I’ve met plus sized folks who were amazing gems inside, and others who were ugly and cold or just plain crazy inside.  Maybe hotness isn’t about size at all.  (Sorry – flashback to a scene from the movie the grinch – … his heart grows 3 sizes because he realizes maybe that’s not what christmas is really about… that’s me right now realizing what hotness is about!)

Ok so fill me all in your thoughts.  What is hot?  What makes someone (male or female) hot?  What qualities must someone have to rank them as being hot?  Is it confidence?  Physique?  Pheromones?

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I had a strange thing happen to me today.  I was straightening my hair – I figured, maybe if I showered and made an effort to look decent I’d feel better.  It didn’t work lol, but as I was going through the motions I looked at myself in the mirror.  On one hand, I look like hell.  Dark circles, pale complexion, I look sick.  But on the other I also look… I dunno.  Dare I say it… Pretty.  Hmm.  Just writing that makes me smile a little.  I don’t take compliments very well; I get awkward with them, just not used to hearing them I suppose.  There’s been a small shift for me.  I don’t look at myself in the mirror and only see flaws anymore.  I look and see a woman, sometimes a girl, but a woman who’s been through some amazing things.  She’s strong and smart,loving,  funny and kind to others, and despite still dealing with some weight issues (although those are disappearing too), she’s actually- kinda beautiful.  lol I know, I know… in my case.. I am literally the definition of hot… because I have a raging fever.  😀  Just kidding…ok, ok, going to go bury myself in my covers again…gah! I hate being sick!  I’m so BORED and sick of feeling useless!