Tag: relationship

Travelling

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I’m sitting at the airport in Boston. Waiting to take the second half of flights to go to St. Thomas.  I’ve had about 2.5 hours of sleep. Soooooo sleepy. But it’s pretty here. Snow is falling. Should be a lovely contrast to the warm tropical weather we are heading to.

My heart has been acting up a bit. Not entirely happy about that but whatever.  Guess I should be used to it by now.   I’m still a bit nervous for this vacation.  Not sure why. No reason to be. I guess I’m worried that I’m going to annoy T. He’s been a joy to travel with so far. I’d hate for me being tired, stupid or just me being me to somehow screw all of this up.

This is the first time I’ve wanted to go on a vacation with someone in this way.  I’ve vacationed with friends,  but not as a couple alone.  Have had a couple people ask if we’re honeymooners.  Awkward.  Nope. Just a trip. Who knows, maybe someday, but I get the impression that won’t even be in the cards with anyone for a long while yet.  I have mixed feelings about that.  Ugh. Guess we’ll see how it all goes. Fingers crossed for me?

No doubt,  I’ll check in again soon.

What ever you do… do NOT push the button.

JenLeave a comment

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We all have them.  Buttons that when pushed will either set us off, or trigger tears, or both.  Some buttons are easier to push than others, depending on who you are of course and who’s pushing the button.  It takes a long time for me to lose my temper.  I’m slower to heat – but when I do – it boils…unless of course you manage to hurt me, then I don’t boil – at least not at the person who pushed the button.  Then I just erupt inside.  Tonight was one of those for me.  It’d been a long day.  Relatively good in some ways – and relatively shit in others.

I spent FAR too much time crying today.  Mostly because my ex pushed buttons.  I’m trying… SO… HARD… to be civil.  To not fight.  To not engage when he’s in an angry mood.  I’m successful most of the time at it.  But occasionally – he’ll break through and find a way to make me hurt.  Deep hurt.  Typically around Ben.  When will that stop being a button?  I suppose when I let it stop?  I don’t know.

We spoke of Ben tonight.  In some considerable length actually.  Let’s just say that my head hurts from all the crying.  Who knows, Ben’s been a topic lately – maybe it’s life’s way of telling me to deal with it.  To get some emotions out.  I was pretty angry tonight at one point.  So angry I was shaking.  I NEVER get like that, but my momma bear came out a little bit at one point.  I was holding back the snarls, the tongue lashing was hovering just on the tip of my tongue.  It used to be, when I was younger, that I would let my mouth say whatever it wanted.  I could give a tongue lashing like no other.  Still can if I allow it.  I unfortunately learned at an early age the power behind words – and just how much they could cut.  BUT… the years have taught me that really – its not worth it.  You end up hurting yourself just as much if not more than the other person (in the long run).  Saying things in the rush of the moment – without thinking of the repercussions only get’s you into trouble.  You end up saying things that maybe you don’t mean.  You might mean them at that moment, but those things that are said, you can’t take back.  It’s taken me about 9 years or so to get to this point.  And yea, sometimes I’ll admit that maybe my pendulum has swung a little too far in the opposite direction, but I’m also proud of who I’ve become.  It takes a lot to bring me to a point where I’ll unleash on someone.  Unless it’s the momma bear breaking through – then that comes lightening fast.  🙂

I’m proud that I’m learning to communicate on a different level.  It feels healthier.  It feels calmer.  I hate getting yelled at.  I hate being made to feel like I’m worthless, or that I was never wanted, never good at anything – other than being a mom and being a paycheck.  And that’s what the ex did tonight – maybe not intentionally – although maybe so – who knows?  I’ll consider the source.  I’ll put it away and know comfortably that ultimately… I’m in a good place in life.  And it’s getting better every single day.  Overall – I’m very happy.  Yea – ok, the last few weeks have had their ups and downs and life has handed me some stress… but when doesn’t it do that?  That is the very nature of life.  Ups and downs, stress and drama and joy.

“T” texted me when I was in the middle of dealing with the ex tonight. Then called.  I didn’t get to him because of the drama until a bit later.  It took him maybe 10 seconds before he heard right through me and called me out on not being ok.  I wasn’t.  I was a wreck. He came over.  I’d managed to compose myself before he arrived tho.  But I’ll admit, I felt stupid knowing he was coming over to make me feel better… again.  Friday and now Monday.  GEEZ.  I felt like I was becoming a nuisance.  He cheered me up.  He always does. The silly man thought I was mad at him and avoiding him.  Nope… never.  FIrst, if I’m mad at someone, I’ll tell them I’m mad at them.  THEN I’ll avoid.  LOL.  Well – it depends on how badly you push my buttons actually.  Second… he’s done absolutely nothing for me to be mad at.  Hence why I say he’s a silly man. 🙂

You all cheer me up too.  I can’t go to bed now without doing some form of writing.  Sometimes, if I don’t want to sit at my machine, I’ll write in a notebook or journal.  But I prefer the keyboard because it’s so much faster.

Well neverland, it’s time I bid you adieu.  Goodnight.  Sleep well.

XXO!

I feel moved…

JenLeave a comment

I watched a couple of movies today. I debated whether I wanted to write this post in this manner or in another fashion altogether. But I’m going with it. The first movie was the Internship. Hilarious. I laughed, and cheered and swore at the TV and then cheered some more. Yea yea, I’m a dork, I know. The second movie I watched has left an imprint. I almost need to watch it again just to get it all. The movie was called “Her”. It explores what it is to have a connection with “someone”. In this case, not even a human, but a computer. It explores what love is. It explores the human psyche, divorce, a lot of different things. It showed the parts of life and love and finding of yourself that are truly beautiful and inspiring.  It shows what it’s like to have the fear of being inadequate.  Of being an introvert.  I’d say that anyone who’s experienced a long distance relationship would relate to this movie as well. I found myself jotting down things that I found particularly moving or thought provoking, along with what must have been about 50 ideas around technology inventions. Oh the R&D team are going to either love or hate me at work. hehe.

“A heart is not a box that can be filled up. It is ever expanding.”

How true this is. And yet, so easy to forget and lose sight of. There is no concept of a heart being Full. It also means that a heart is never really empty. It is infinite. How amazing is that?! A human’s ability to feel and love is something that is truly infinite. Which means that even the coldest, most cut off hearts aren’t truly lost.

There was a scene, where he reminisced of happy times. With the wife he was divorcing. He shared his fear. Fear that maybe somehow any memories or emotions that he feels moving forward will somehow be diminished because he’d already experienced them before. It’s a fear I’ve experienced in my past. And while I know it to be not how life works – of course you’ll experience joy and happiness again… I also know in some ways it’s not totally off the mark. Your first love is likely to be remembered as something a little extra special – because it was your first.

I’m in the absolute throws of fighting a pretty mean infection – thankfully the doctor prescribed some strong antibiotics and this ear infection will be gone in no time. But I’ve spent much of the weekend fighting chills and cold sweats. I had enough of being in bed. Went and had breakfast with a girlfriend today. Was so much fun. In all the fun, we also went and had our cards read. Don’t laugh. Don’t do it. 🙂 I’m not one of THOSE people. You know – the strange nagchampa smelling, sandal wearing HIPPY people. 🙂 Nothing against them either mind you. I don’t do those things very often. I find them fascinating. I have met a few tarot card readers who are … uncanny in their accuracy. It means I respect them and their trade. Doesn’t mean others have to agree or participate – to each their own. Ok – so in my reading today, I was truly quite surprised at what came up. I never say anything. I sit and shuffle and let the person do their thing. The woman I see, her name is Raven. She’s this big beautiful african american woman. She sings soul in a jazz band as well as does tarot readings at a pagan bookstore in downtown seattle. She has a beautiful, loud belly laugh. She’s the type of person I could sit and have conversations about life with and settle in on some good food with some good music. I see her once every couple of years.

“You’ve gone through a lot of change for the positive in the last year.” – yea ok that’s kind of a duh
“You’ve recently quit online dating.” Yup.
“You worry too much about what other people think, or how others feel and are far too often a doormat for the sake of being kind” Wow thanks Raven – way to put that out there. Damn if she’s not right tho.
“Relationships and emotions are on your mind a lot” Hmm, I hate that she’s right on this one.
“you’re in a good place. Centered. Where spirit and body and mind all connect.” Yep – this is true too. I feel quite in tune with myself lately.

There was a lot more – a few things out in left field that had me surprised and off hunting for information on. But I left feeling recharged. I am on a good path. I believe in the joys of the world that surrounds me and am continually surprised and delighted by the beauty that it holds. I don’t hold as much fear about losing that joy anymore. Life is short. I’ll be damned if I don’t enjoy the joy I find and have while I can. Dream big. Fly high. Learn. Laugh. Live. Grow. And be ME. 🙂

Goodnight. Love to you all.

Just some thoughts…

Jen6 Comments

ImageI’ve been up since 5.  That’s joy of having a two year old.  He woke up and wanted nothing more than to take over my bed and watch the Magic School Bus.  Tonight he’s going to go stay with Grandma for an overnight.  Should be fun, I hope.  I’ve had a bunch of thoughts running through my head this morning.  Random ones, but I’d thought I’d share.

I am uncomfortable with people spending money on me.  Funny, when you think about the fact that one of my “love languages” is gifts.  I like to spoil others.  If I’m spoiling myself, I like to include others.  If I’ve given a gift, I like reciprocation.  BUT … I don’t like it when someone spends more on me than what I feel I deserve.  Maybe it’s because I make what I do.  I like to go out for a fancy dinner every now and then, but I get awkward and uncomfortable when someone tries to pay for it for me. Why is that?  Why isn’t someone else entitled do spoil me the way I do to others?  Why does it freak me out so much?

Love.  It’s complex.  There are varying levels of it.  I love my cat, I love my kids, I love my bro.  Those are some levels.  When I love a man – there are varying stages there too.  The first stage for me is interesting.  It slowly creeps up on you – and dawns on you that the person you’re with is someone who, if they were to walk out of your life, you’d be hurt by it.  That’s typically when I know that I feel love towards a person.  Then it grows … or doesn’t… from there.  Sex is not something that I take lightly or give openly, unless there is that definite and real possibility that love is there or will be.  Sex is the next stage.  Women are known for getting more emotionally attached after sex, and this rings true for me as well.  It is one of the reasons I am careful about sex.  For me, I give a small piece of me to a man; and hope to receive a small piece of him in return.  Reciprocation is a big key there.

The bro has a date tonight.  I’m excited for him.  I hope it goes well and is a huge success.  We spent a bunch of time talking about the what if’s last night.  What if she’s “the one”?  What if she’s not?  It’s certainly been interesting, with both of us single.  We both have very different approaches, and very different “end goals”.  He wants a wife and a family; having never experienced those for himself.  I can’t imagine being a wife again.  And yet, it’s kind of all I know.  I was good at it. I don’t think I ever want to get married again.  I want love, I want companionship, I want a best friend and an amazing sex life… but I no longer believe that marriage is one of the checkpoints on the list.  I can’t have any more children, so that’s obviously another that’s not on my checklist.  I should say this…I dream of finding that one person. I dream that they’ll ask my step dad permission (no one ever has). I dream that I’ll find that amazing love that will allow me to feel safe with the idea of marriage again…but, I don’t know that it’s realistic of me to dream like that.

Marriage is a piece of paper.  You can have love and commitment and comfort and joy without that little piece of paper.  It no longer means what it used to mean.  When I married my first husband, I was 19.  We were high school sweethearts.  Being young and naive, I truly believed that your first should be your last.  And he and I shared many firsts.  I believed that love alone could conquer.  It was so very different from what I had pictured in my head.  I handled the abuse quite well, but when it spread to my new 1 month old daughter, we got out.  After being together for 6 years, we got divorced.  Waged war.  I won.  This state favors women.  I gave him opportunities to prove he could get control of himself and be a dad, he chose not to.  His loss.

With my last ex… I still believed in the absolute power of love alone.  I thought love and my stubborn determination could help to change and improve the man for the better.  I knew when I married him that he was a raging alcoholic, and I truly thought I could help him get better.  That he’d choose love and a family over a lousy bottle of beer.  10 years.  Ten years of telling myself every day that “someday, he’ll wake up and we’ll just have everything we wanted”.  Ten years of ME working towards the things we wanted alone, while he would try and hide his habits and mistakes.

Love is not enough.  The power of it, while fantastic and amazing… is not enough.  There is so much more to factor into a relationship.

Compatibility, which also has a ton of layers to it.  I can handle anyone for a short amount of time, even a few days.  But what about over time?  A year?  eh – even that seems easy.  When the two major relationships in your life were both longer term ones, it seems like a short one would be a cinch.

Compromise.  Every relationship requires it.

Trust.  This is a duh, or it damn well should be.

Openness.  This is something I value.  Be willing and able to share the thoughts I see cross your face, because lord knows, I’m going to ask.  🙂

Play.  Whether with each other, games, with kids.  There has to be a time for laughter and joy and play.

Alignment in Priorities.  Whether these are life goals, or just feeling similar about how often to spend time together…priorities are important.  How much of a priority to do you make each other?  Myself, I have NO desire to be a man’s #1 priority.  I like my space and independence too much.  But I know I need to be a priority in some way to feel like I’m wanted and needed.  I should rank in the top 5-6 hehe.  If a crisis pops up in life, I want to know about it and not be the last to find out.

Affection.  I’m affectionate.  I like hugs and cuddles.  I like to touch a person..as appropriate for the person of course.

Sexual Compatibility.  This one’s a little tricky. Or at least it has the potential to be.  And there’s a lot that factors in here too.  Some say you either are compatible here or you aren’t.  Others think it grows over time.  I kind of find myself smack in the middle on this one.  There damn well should be some spark there or what’s the point?! But the ability to always be successful … eh … I could see there being situations where 2 people, still kinda new to each other are going to fumble a little here and there.  So that could take practice over time.   Although when I say that – if you were to ask me how much time… I’d have NO clue.

Communication.  This one is tricky too.  How much is too much?  How much is too little?  What forms of communication are being used?  Obviously in-person communication trumps all.  I’ve never been much of a fan of phone calls.  And lately, even texts drive me a little crazy.  There’s too much room open for interpretation with them.  Things get misread, or misunderstood.

Sigh.  Well I obviously don’t have all the answers.  But at least I understand the ingredients.

Thoughts, wishes and dreams.

JenLeave a comment

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Been thinking… a lot.  I know, I know, no surprise there.  My mind seems to run at a billion miles a second.  There are the people who think in linear ways…

1 – 2 – 3 – 4…

and there are those who think like spider webs…

B
I
A  –  C  – E
I
D

I am the latter.  🙂  And sometimes it serves me well, and other times, not so much.  It’s easy to get “lost in the weeds” when you think like I do.  I think that’s likely why I’ve taken on the mantra of not getting lost in my own head. And so far, it’s been working pretty well.  The one area in my life that I can easily get lost in my own head is when it involves matters of the heart.  I do it when I don’t even realize I’m doing it and “Bam!”, suddenly I’ll have tripped over my own future – only it’s not even the future.  It’s a wish or a dream of the future.  Something I can honestly say I’ve learned a lot about this last year was how to live and cherish life in the moment.  It’s a beautiful thing to be able to do, but sometimes, I forget.  And that’s ok.  I’m only human.  And there are side benefits to thinking the way I do.  Sometimes, getting lost in your own head, helps bring clarity to things you didn’t know you wanted clarity on.

On my way in this morning, I was lost in my own head.  Thinking about what my definition of friendship is, thinking about what I’d want from a relationship right now.  I’m busy.  Supremely busy.  Busier than I’ve ever been.  In some ways, maybe now isn’t the time for me to even be thinking about anything more serious than a friendship.  Heck, I’m having trouble maintaining those lately.  Between work, kids, and being sick recently… I’m finding that spare time is hard to come by.  I’m sure some of my friends feel neglected.  It’s not that I don’t love and care for them.  I do… with all my heart.  I think when you start to go into a relationship with someone, you should be in a place where you can actually devote time to getting to know that person and spend time with them in person.  Today’s society is so full of other forms of communication, that somehow, I think people forget how important it is to spend time with someone.  When I’m dating someone, I need to have interaction with them on a fairly regular schedule for that relationship to grow and thrive; even if it’s just once a week (of course I’d want it a lot more than just once a week, but if I had to, I’d accept that).  Of course, at this point, I’m speaking hypothetically.

I had a weird dream last night.  Well – weird for me.  Dreams and I don’t get along and haven’t in a long time.  But last night, I had a nice dream.  Nice is truly the best way to describe it.  In it, I was hovering over a house.  But I could see through the walls and ceilings when I wanted to.  Inside was a family.  A little broken at times, but happy.  Lots of laughter came from in this house.  The mom was me.  How it was possible that I was two people at once in this dream is beyond me.  There was a man there.  He was fuzzy tho and never cleared up to reveal who I was seeing in my dream.  We were happy, in love, and respected each other.  The kids respected him.  In my dream, we had a disagreement.  There was no yelling, just communication, listening and the desire to understand the other person’s perspective.  At the end of the disagreement, there were hugs and kisses and love…and then laughter as life took over again.  I woke up with a smile on my face.  Knowing that someday… I will have that.  I know it deep down in my heart and soul.  I may be busy now, but someday… 🙂