Tag: ramble

And that’s when it hit me…

JenLeave a comment

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Work, kids, gardening, cooking, pets, house, art and movies.  That is how I’ve spent my time in the last few weeks, peppered with a few random things like kayaking or the occasional shopping.  Truthfully – I don’t watch a lot of TV in general.  I spend so much time in front of a screen with work, that the idea of sitting in front of one at home doesn’t hold a lot of appeal.  But once or twice a week, I’ll put on a movie and put my feet up and watch.

Last night, I was paging through my movie collection trying to decide what to watch.  I’ve been slowly catching up on some newer movies my brother brought me, as well as re-watching old classic favorites.  But in the last few weeks, I’ve picked up on a pattern, and it makes me laugh.

And that’s when it hit me… Apparently… I’m a total and complete 100%-romantic sap.

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In person, and to my friends, they’d probably say “Jen?” Ha!  I won’t admit that I’m a sap.  Why would I?!  I would adamantly proclaim that I’m a realist.  That the idea of true love and all that mushy gushy stuff is lovely – but unrealistic.  But then you look at the movies I’ve curled up to enjoy recently, sighing longingly over the happy endings or teary-eyed over the sad ones and I have no choice but to call myself on my own bullshit.  🙂

My daughter likes to giggle at me when I yell at the TV (please note, I ONLY do this when watching movies alone at home) – “Just KISS her already!!”  I do it with scary movies too “Don’t run UPSTAIRS you idiot!!” and things like “Oh crap – well you KNOW he’s dead soon!”.  I realize that the characters can’t actually hear me… and yet I do this.  A lot.  🙂 I tell her that it’s my job as her mother to give her things to talk to her therapist about – this can be one of them.  Why her mom feels the need to yell at imaginary characters through the TV screen.

I think it’s because I’m a visual person.  I get caught up in a story – as if I am actually there.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a book I’m reading, a piece of artwork I’m working on, a movie I am watching or even a daydream I’m having.  Apparently, my imagination is a fine tuned machine.  🙂  I suppose it makes sense, it would explain why I love my job as much as I do – because I get to use that imagination every single day.  🙂  At least this way, I get paid to do it.

Who would have thought that my mom was wrong.  As a kid – she’d tell me to get my head out of the clouds.  Guess in my case, it’s better to stay in them.  🙂

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Happy Thursday Neverland.

Do you “catfish” your online photos?

JenLeave a comment

A few of my friends are doing the online dating thing.  I’ve tried it before… and it’s just really not my thing.  And, it always felt like the people on those sites are looking for something very different than anything I wanted.  Don’t worry – I’m staying away from anything like that these days.  Heck, my interest in trying on a bunch of different guys to see if one fits probably equals my desire to go to the dentist for some drilling… there’s so many other things I’d rather be doing.  I think that with the current hookup society, the idea of dating is a bit intimidating and would be quite frustrating.  I’m a bit old fashioned.  For me, I cannot disconnect sex and the emotions of love.  So I’ve been avoiding putting myself into those types of situations until I feel that I’m ready to love someone again.  It just seems safer all around…for everyone involved.  And it’s worked out fine!  I’m enjoying focusing on other things. And I know that eventually, I’ll stumble upon someone who fits me and I’ll hop back on the roller coaster ride of love all over again.

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That said tho,  I DO enjoy living vicariously through my friends.  Some of the dates they go on are real doozies. I got into a conversation yesterday with friends about the notion of catfishing with photos.  It was interesting to hear other people’s perspectives on the concept.  What we were referring to was the notion that someone will portray them-self as one way when really they are another.  So a fluffy chick might take pics from the neck up, or in particularly flattering angles in order to get a photo that she could then use on a dating website.  While the photo IS her… it’s not necessarily painting a full or accurate picture of who they really are or what they look like.

Here’s my question tho… where do you draw the line?  EVERYONE prefers to post pictures that they feel are flattering.  Men and woman BOTH do this.  And if you think about it, in this day an age of online dating, of COURSE you want to put your best self forward.

One of my friends believed you shouldn’t put the makeup shots out there, that we as a society have to do away with the duckface selfies and anything remotely similar.  To ONLY be real.  And while I can understand his attitude on this… and even agree with it a little bit… it’s also completely unrealistic.  Never going to happen my friend!

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But then you have the people that swing the other way – they post pictures that are 50 lbs ago, or 5 years ago, or both.  Back when they had a full head of hair, rather than a receding hair line.  I know why they post them… trying to put your best foot forward again.  It makes sense.  But it’s not ok to do unless you caption the photo correctly!

So.. again I say… where’s the line?  It’s not like you’re going to take a photo of yourself and then using a red paintbrush in photoshop circle or draw arrows to all your flaws.  That would be going above and beyond.

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J, my other girlfriend says she likes to post both..the full make up, looking hot selfies, along with at least one un-makeup’d face, plus of course at least one full body shot.  I think that seems like a good compromise.

So to those of you out there who are building your online dating profiles, looking for love, consider what pictures you use in your profiles.  Are you really being REAL?  How much of yourself do you put out there?  Do you mix it up, do you caption well?

Happy Hunting and have a great day Neverland!

XXO!

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Parenting is tough business

Jen1 Comment

It’s friday and I am beyond grateful. Truthfully tho, even the coming weekend has me stressed.  Yesterday, I got into a huge argument with my daughter.  It started out ok, we were working through everything and I was holding my patience fairly well.  But after dealing with a stubborn tween for a few hours… I lost it.  I yelled.  I cried.  I’m not proud of myself.  Yes, everything I said needed to be said, but I hate that my own child could push me to a point where I was THAT upset.

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I think what I hate about fighting with my own child is that in the end… both of us are hurting.  I know she’s shaken off yesterday, she’s been bouncing around this morning, her usual chipper self.  She even made me coffee while I started my workday. And I know that I need to do the same thing… but I’m struggling with it.  After we got home yesterday, after the huge blow out, I sat outside thinking about how maybe I’m not qualified to do this.  That maybe my own mental health is too shaky to try and handle guiding a pre-teen who’s having some very serious mental health issues herself?  I don’t know… I know I do a good job.  I know that my kids know that they are loved and that their mom is their biggest advocate for their happiness and overall success… BUT… I also know that I’m the queen at putting on a mask and sticking my head in the sand.  I’ve never had a healthy relationship.  The coping skills that I have and use on a regular basis aren’t working for my teenage girl… maybe that means they aren’t the best.

I’ve also been thinking about the fact that I will no longer get breaks.  Before all of this happened, I’d get 3 weekends a month to myself, where I could plan outtings with friends, dates, and take care of projects that work more smoothly when little one aren’t around.  Now, those plans and schedules are all changed.  I’m now 100% mom – all the time.  And I don’t mind… but there is a part of me that is sad to lose those breaks and the “me” time.  And while I realize that having time for me is important, and that ultimately, I should probably find a way to still get at least a couple hours a week to myself… for my own health and well-being… I’m just not sure how to go about it.  It feels selfish.

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I think something that really hit home yesterday for me, was that this wasn’t the dream.

Don’t misunderstand… I’m over the ex.  Completely.  But I think I’m still mourning the dream of what was to be.   If that makes any sense.  When we got married, I had visions of our family.  I dreamed of the children we’d have, the life we’d create.  Of course, NONE of those dreams could be a reality while he was lost in his own world of alcohol addiction… but I can say, I never dreamed of raising my children essentially by myself.

On Tuesday, we all went to an award ceremony for an art competition my daughter had entered at school.  It was across many schools in the district.  She won 2nd place.  I’d called the grandparents and the ex a week ago to let them know when the ceremony would be and how much it would mean to my daughter if they came out and showed their support.  I was surprised when grandma and grandpa showed up .. as it’s a long drive for them, in some of the worst rush hour traffic.  But the ex… he didn’t show.  He called me the next morning apologizing and saying how he felt like garbage that he completely forgot about it.  I told him not to fret.. it is what it is… but after I hung up, I couldn’t help but feel very sad about it all.  My daughter needs her village right now… she needs the strong loving support of family and friends to show her that she’s not alone.  That we are all here for her, and rooting for her, and that she has absolutely no reason to harm herself or feel lost.  But I think what’s hit me pretty hard in the last couple of days… maybe it’s not just my daughter who needs that.  Maybe I do too.

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Between bills, work, my daughter’s safety and happiness, the house… I’ve got a lot of pressure to measure up on my shoulders.  And damn it but I’m going to figure out the right way to take care of my responsibilities and do what I need to do to make it in this big bad world… but sometimes, I close my eyes and feel disappointed and heart broken that it all ended up this way.  And I’m not entirely sure how to go about it all without falling down myself.  I guess… if I trip… I just have to get back up.  Keep plugging along.  I’ll get there.

Off to get on with my day – much love to you Neverland.  Smile today.

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A parent’s worst nightmare

Jen2 Comments

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I’m beyond exhausted.  So what started out on friday as a very frustrating and scary situation managed to amplify and get a million times worse and it’s affecting my ability to sleep and eat and be able to function at a somewhat normal capacity.

On Saturday, while at the ex’s, my daughter went and jumped off the side of the deep end of the self control pool.  She is now being admitted to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for adolescents.  I think now, more than ever, I want to get more involved with preventing teen suicide.  It absolutely floors you when you realize that the normal, happy, loving preteen you’ve raised has been wearing a happy mask and really, she needs help.

Until we could get her admitted to the treatment facility, she’s been under observation at the Emergency Room.  We had strict instructions to keep things positive.  No lectures, no tears etc.  THAT has been the most exhausting.  I’ve managed to ask her a few questions, get her to talk to me a little here and there, but overall, she’s acting as if nothing happened and that wanting to harm yourself is a perfectly normal thing.  That I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it is.  It is incredibly draining to keep things positive when you just want to shake your kid and make them see how dumb they’re being.  Not to mention, the actions your kid has taken have put themself, and others at risk!

It’s going to be a long road ahead.  I’ve got to work on being present and there for her in some new ways.  I’m trying to make arrangements to allow me to work from home more often.  Going to look into a few other programs to help her and give her things to keep her mind more occupied on healthy things rather than negative things.

Visits to the ex are to stop.   Well – ok maybe not STOP – but things will be altered dramatically, at least until we’re all confident that she’ll be safe.

It’s been hard this week to not blame myself.  And there is also a part of me that wonders if somehow she’s learned this stupid “happy mask” that she’s been wearing from me.  In fact, who am I kidding, I KNOW she learned it from me.  I’m the one who’s always so focused on being strong, staying happy.  I think somehow she misunderstood that to mean that you aren’t allowed to fall apart, or be sad, or break… and that’s not true either.  You have to be able to let that stuff out somewhere, or it will sit and fester and bubble until at some point – you burst.

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Everyday she begs me to be allowed to come home.  And everyday I’ve had to tell her that she wanted our attention – now she has it.  She has to stay and complete the treatment.  That this is her most important priority that she could focus on right now.  She doesn’t get it.  She thinks it’s been fun to sit at the hospital for the last 5 days coloring, watching bad daytime tv and playing Wii with the nurses.  She doesn’t even seem to realize – “hey, mom’s been taking every day off to come and sit and cuddle and watch crappy daytime tv… maybe that’s not good for mom’s job security!” I don’t know what’s going to happen next… all I can do at this point is hope and pray and be there for her every single step of the way.

I’ve got to go run and take care of a few more things, all this time running back and forth between the hospital, I haven’t been able to do much of anything that I need to get done.  I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to be struggling with handling all of this… that i’m doing well at holding things together.  But it’s hard.  So I’m going to go finish up a load of laundry and at least get some dishes done before I have to trek back out to the hospital.  Talk soon.  Much love to you all Neverland.

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I don’t think I like parenting teens…

Jen1 Comment

Wow, it’s been a pretty crazy couple of days, and I think at this point, I just need to get some of this out, because churning on it in my head is just making me sick to my stomach.

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My daughter.  Sigh.  She’s 13 going on fricken 30.  And had you asked me a month ago, I’d have said, “we’ve got this!  She’s my good girl!”  And a month ago, I believed that.

On friday, I got a call from her school.  She took off from school after getting into an argument with some teachers.  They didn’t know where she was.  Thankfully, I was home, and I tracked her down.  Told her to get her butt home and that she was going to lose her phone and computer for this infraction – as it’s happened twice now in two weeks.

 

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My bro was over and he took her computer from her room and collected her phone from her when she came in the door.  I figured – ok we’ll handle this and move on.  But then the bro started peeking into her phone.  I check her email and her facebook every other month or so, but I don’t check her phone.  If only I had.

I won’t go into all the details here – even tho purging it would do me some good.  But let’s just say that I had to call the police and report a grown man for inappropriate conduct with a minor.  My daughter gave out our new home address and explicit instructions on how to get around some of our security to multiple strangers.  She’s been talking about suicide and very graphic, very dark things with a lot of her friends.  Honestly, it felt like I was in the twilight zone.  I had to read it all, had to get all passwords for everything and go through it all.  There were some things in there that I will never get out of my head again.  The joys of loving someone.

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We’re all rallying around her.  She’s got consequences, but more than that, she’s about to find out what it’s like to have full on supervision and structure and therapy.  She’s going to hate it at first, but damn it… I want my little girl to make it in this big bad world.  And at this rate, I’m not so sure she’ll make it another year.

I’m shocked.  Appalled.  Pissed.  Scared.  Hurt.  But more than any of that… because I’m her mom, I feel like I’ve failed her.  I know that, realistically, I haven’t.  And that what we do now, moving forward will be the test on whether I truly succeed or fail in helping her find herself.

The ex is fully involved in all of this, and in some ways, he did make me feel a little better because he was internalizing all of this too – blaming himself.  Did we do this?  Did we not set a good example?  Did we forget to do something to ensure that our children flourished as amazing kids, even through the teen years?  Normally, anyone who meets or interacts with my kids says how awesome they are.  Polite, well mannered, happy, affectionate, strong and opinionated.  These are the adjectives I’m used to hearing.  It was strange and shocking to suddenly hear “Mean girl.”  “Bully.”  “Rude.” from her new teachers.  That’s not my kid!  Did someone hit her with a stupid stick?!

The next few weeks shall be interesting.  My child will be experiencing a luddite life…  no more computers, no more internet, no more phones.  No email, facebook, skype, youtube, whisper, or kik.  I’m also going to look into some youth group programs and volunteer programs for her.  She needs to realize how good she has it and learn to see how dumb these actions have really been.

I went and talked with my dad this morning about it all.  Got some advice.  It’s hard, some of what she’s doing I can relate to, but a lot of it, I can’t.  I know how I tackled depression and self worth issues, but I wasn’t that kind of kid.  I didn’t do drugs and I didn’t experiment with sex until I was 18.  So I’m trying my best to at least try and understand from her perspective…. it’s just hard.  I guess I’m old fashioned.  I just hope my hair doesn’t all go grey from this.  At least when my son finally becomes a teenager, I’ll have some practice and experience under my belt!!

Goodnight neverland.  Much love.

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