The circle of life can be a bitch sometimes….

throwaway

I’ve owned 10 cats in my life.  It’s funny, I really like dogs.  I’ve owned 7 dogs as well.  (By the way this is over the course of 30+ years… I am not a weird pet hoarder.)  In general, I view myself as an animal lover.  I believe a dog is a loyal companion to the family.  A best friend.  A cat, is something different.  It’s a mutual respect.  They view themselves as an equal to you.  They want loves when they want them.  They can be vocal and affectionate.

  • Rusty: Orange fluffy tabby – “went to live on a farm” when I was little
  • Socks: Black Kitten – needed surgery and had to go to a new home
  • Nibbles aka Kitty:  Brown Tabby – Lived 16 years
  • Mousers: Brown Tabby – Lived to 10 years
  • Squeakers – Lived to 11 years
  • Bella – Long haired tabby: Found a new home
  • 3 litters of kittens that were adopted out to new homes.
  • Jake – White cat: Hit by a car
  • George – Siamese cat: is 9 years old
  • Tiger: Orange tabby – got eaten by a couger
  • Zelda – Grey tabby kitten

Three of the cats I’ve owned, stand out as the most amazing creatures.  Nibbles and Squeakers were truly amazing cats.  Nibbles was the cat my parents had when I was growing up.  She was affectionate, but only when she wanted to be.  She would play, but she was gentle and always knew to keep her claws in.  Squeakers was my cat after I left home.  She loved water and would shower with you.  George is my siamese right now.  He was born as part of a litter from one of my previous cats, in my old dresser.  I was the first thing he saw.  He’s a fantastic cat.  Most of my friends say he’s not a cat, that he’s more like a dog.  He’s a great hunter.  He loves to leave “gifts” of poor creatures he’s hunted.  He’s getting older.  He’s acting strange.  I’ve seen this before.  Well – some of it.  I’m going to take him to the vet tomorrow.  I’m sure he’ll be okay, but what hit me is that he’s 9 years old.  At some point in the future, he’ll pass away, and that makes me sad.  He’s been a good friend to me.  And what also strikes me is that he’ll be the first death since Ben.  My daughter won’t take it well.  Sigh.  The circle of life can be a real bitch sometimes.  Just saying.

Goodnight Neverland.

Some nighttime rambles…

The more I unpack and work to turn this house into a home, the more often I have these lovely little moments; when I’ll walk into a room and in a certain spot, a particular view across the house leaves me feeling a sense of warmth, safety and security that I’ve never had before.

The last week I’ve had off has given me the time to really put in some effort on things around the house.  I’ve planted plants and have been working on the back patio area and the front lawn.  I want to build a privacy fence so that I can have a garden out there that we can sit and enjoy and not feel like everyone is watching.  I can imagine trees and plants and flowers, maybe a little park bench;  a little secret haven, a sanctuary away from the daily grind.

I’ve spent the last two days working on a new project.  Refinishing the master’s bathroom vanity.  It turned out so great that I was inspired to keep going!  I’m going to do the same treatment in the house’s main bathroom.  And today, when I’d finished the vanity, I kept going and refinished a beautiful piece in the front entry way.

I’d never guessed that I’d like refinishing furniture.  Who knew?!  I can see a fairly serious hobby forming.  🙂  It’s fantastic.

I’ve had my brother staying for the last day or so.  He’s helping with some of the heavy lifting I need done.  I need to have a serious talk with him tomorrow, and honestly, I’m nervous for it.  Really nervous.  I love that stupid punk ass kid.  But he needs a fricken knock in the head.  He even comments about how he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.  How he needs to figure it out.  We talked a bunch about it, but then I see what he does all day.  He’s never going to pull himself out of this rut that he’s in unless he actually is willing to change his habits, change his behaviors.  He gets upset because my Dad is always angry with him.  I can’t really say that I blame him.  My brother has no awareness of how what he does affects other people.  He’s quite innocent in that way.

The dog situation… sigh.  That whole thing has just thrown me for a major loop.

I wanted that dog, so badly.  He was an amazing animal.  But with my son being the rambunctious 4 year old that he is… I’m sad.  Heck, I’m more than sad.  I wanted a new pet.  I’ve wanted a new pet for about a year now.  I like that type of companionship that you get with a pet.  And now, it kind of feels like the whole thing is off, dogs, cats.. doesn’t matter.  When, originally, the plan was June.  I’m bummed.

Well – it’s time for sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.

Go Away

selfdoubt

Why can’t my own stupid self doubt just go away?  I mean, seriously?!  You rear your stupid ugly head when I least expect it.. when it’s the last thing on the planet I want.

I’m always so worried about what other people want, what will make them happy or content.  But so often, I find myself wondering if that’s just dumb?  If something is wrong, or if someone is upset about something, perhaps what I really need to do is wait and trust that when they’re ready – they’ll come talk to me.  Rather than bugging them to tell me.  Perhaps the right path is really to just continue to enjoy the blissful happiness that my home life has become.  And truly, it really has become just that.  Perhaps the reason I don’t do that, or at least haven’t been able to is because somewhere in my twisted brain, I think that if I allow myself to just embrace my own happiness, that I’ll be blind sided and not see something horrible if/when it comes along.  But living in doubt, or fear of a “what if” is just plain silly.  Not to mention, living in that fear and doubt prevents me from truly experiencing that over the top happiness that I so desperately seek.

My family got a dog today.  He’s so cute.  He’s an older dog.  We adopted him from a local shelter.  I think he’s going to make an excellent member of the family.  And that has me so overjoyed.

The house is coming together beautifully.  I put up some pictures today that really made me smile.  I have so much planned out for the next few weeks that I’m off.  More art going on the walls, going to tackle a bunch of gardening, even attempt to refinish some furniture.  It’s going to be epic!  🙂  And it’s so nice to have a break from work.  To not have to do anything for the job that I don’t want to do.

Tomorrow, I’ve got a few fairly major things to take care of.  One in particular, I’m pretty dang nervous about.  My only hope is that it turns out the way I need it to.  That’s just how it has to be.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk soon.