Since when did people become so scared?

Maybe it’s the aries in me, but if there’s one thing I struggle to empathize with others on, it’s fear.  I can understand and even relate to fear – it’s the inability to move forward when facing fear that bothers me.  When did people become chickens?  It seems as if society runs from things today – commitment, relationships, sex… love.  Especially love.  What the heck is so scary about love?!  Ok – yes, it has the potential to leave you breathless and in pain… but it also has the ability to help someone soar to new heights!  What a thrill!! What an honor!!  Oddly – it’s not looked at like that these days tho.

What seems to be my pattern tho… I find and meet people who are on extreme sides of the pendulum swing, but rarely sit squarely in the middle.  This past year, I dated a little – or at least attempted to.  I was contemplating the past year this morning, when it dawned on me that there’s a pattern to the folks I’ve met that I’ve overlooked.  They are either obsessed with love and their own loneliness – to the point where they almost seem to not care WHO they choose to date or love – ugh, no thanks. These men are the wounded birds who are still struggling with their own demons and truly should NOT be dating people yet OR… they are complete and utter chicken shits where the moment things start to get interesting – they turn and flee with their tail between their legs.  I’m sorry, but what the literal F?!  They’ll say all these lovely things to you, make you feel like you’re special, but when push comes to shove and it’s time to shit or get off the pot – it’s a giant no go.


I’ve come to a very nice conclusion – I’m not patient enough for that shit.  I’m just not. And if that’s the game that is dating these days – I’m also just not interested.  I barely have time as it is in my day – between my full time job, my side business, my kids, and then trying to maintain the few friendships that mean something to me… Who has time to play games with chicken shit cowards who ultimately just seem to want to play mind games with someone and then move on to play mind games with someone else – all the while – complaining about how hard dating is and how things just aren’t the way they should be.  Hmm… suck it up buttercup!  Perhaps look at the behaviors you’re putting out there and realize that perhaps you’re partially responsible for your own bad luck?!


I don’t do new years resolutions – but before this morning’s epiphany, I’d have said that one of my goals for the new year is to practice patience… but the more I think about it, maybe that’s where we women have gone wrong.  We’ve been practicing patience with these douchey dudes for FAR too long!!  I say, maybe 2017 is the year that I embrace my inner aries a bit more.  I’ll be patient with my children, with work, and the general public, I’ll practice empathy and understanding with every human being I connect with – however… what I will not do this year – is give empathy and patience to the chicken shits of the world.  If you’re scared – fine, I can respect that – even understand and honor that – but if your solution is to do nothing, to change nothing, to remain stagnant in the same place that you say you abhor… then my only response should be to walk away.  It’s not my job to force someone to move forward.  I’m too busy plowing ahead in my own world!

This year, I have two main focuses that I think I’d like to attempt.  One, is my side business.  My hope is to build it from a side business, to a full-time business and I’m confident that I’ll achieve that goal.  The way I’ve set things up, I know I’ll hit my targets.  (Look out LUSH, I’m totally gonna take you on at some point! Hehe)  The second goal is involving my love life.  It’s time for me to find my person.  A partner in crime, a best friend, a lover… I know – weird subject to make it’s way into my goals.  I’ve lightly dabbled in going on a few dates last year, but ultimately, kept coming to the realization that perhaps I just wasn’t ready.  I didn’t know myself or what I wanted.  After taking a good solid year to explore myself and my desires a bit more in depth – I finally feel good.  I feel ready.  My standards are firmly in place and I feel confident that my person is out there, somewhere. Someone who’ll knock my socks off, and be perfectly at ease with me loving the shit out of them.  🙂  I feel quite hopeful about it all, let’s just hope that sticks around. Hehe.


And to you, my friends in Neverland… I invite you to join me.  Stand up for what you deserve!  If there’s something you want in your life – reach out and take it!!  Find the courage to strike out and do something a little different!  We only get this one life, so let’s make the absolute most of it this year!  Cheers!!

There’s a lot on my mind tonight

So I will apologize right now if I am a little all over the place.  It’s been a lovely weekend overall.  One full of friends and lively conversation, good food and even dancing! 🙂

One of my best female friends, J, planned a party.  A formal black and red party at a local beerhall.  The rules – must wear formal attire – in black or red, and no drama or attitudes from anyone in attendance.  🙂  So I dragged my other girl (R) out.  It was nice to get all gussied up and go out.  It’s something I don’t do very often, although I have a feeling that will change now that J has successfully managed to get me to attend.  🙂 Here’s pics of R and J and myself that night.  🙂  R and I had a blast, 2 single ladies without a care in the world.  We ate oysters and mussels and just enjoyed being out.

It was good for me to attend.  I’m still coming back out of my shell.  And truthfully, this time of year, I don’t usually come out of my shell much at all.  But Saturday was fun and gave me a much needed boost of energy, I danced and sang and made some new friends and caught up with some old friends.  Tonight, I spent the evening with my daughter cooking good food and watching a movie she picked out before my son came home from his dads house.

Ben has been on my brain this week.  Actually – there’s a lot that’s been on my brain this week.  Things that have been rattling around in there range from Ben and his birthday anniversary that is coming up, to love and relationships, friendships, and just life in general.  Had someone told me 10 years ago, that this is where I’d be… I would have never believed it.  Any change or turn along my path, and things would be different.  I wouldn’t trade it, I know that things happen for a reason.  I’m ok with it… well – ok that’s not quite the right way to word it either – I accept it.  That’s enough.  Every year – around this time, I make a pact to myself – that I will not make any major decisions (if I can help it), in the months of Oct – Dec.  Grief is a funny thing – and I’ve learned my lesson in this respect.  In most cases – I can hold off until the new year on most things.  Patience is something I’ve learned to channel at this time of year.  I  miss my son.  Weird to miss some one that you only had for a short while.  And even tho it’s certainly been long enough – I still think on him and wonder.


I gave R some advice this weekend.  She was wrestling with her feelings about a man.  She knew she was falling in love, but didn’t want to be the first person to say it.  She’s loved him for a very long time.  I told her something my Nana told me when I was young.  If you feel love – you should speak it.  It cannot be held for very long on the tongue.  And if you express it… you have a better chance of working past that strange anxious feeling that you get before you’ve said it to someone for the first time- because if it is returned, then something new can grow and blossom.  And if the love is not returned, then now you know and can move forward and move on.    It’s funny – as a teenager or even in my twenties… I didn’t put much stock in Nana’s advice… but looking back now – I couldn’t agree with her more.   I’ve always said I don’t say I love you to hear it back… I say it to make sure they know.  That’s enough.


I’m going to start planning my next vacation.  I will probably go in April 2017 time frame.  I’d like to disappear for a week.  I haven’t decided yet where I want to go.  I have an idea of who all I’d like to invite to join me, but we’ll see if they have the desire to vacation with me.  🙂  I want to explore and get away.  Travel has most certainly had an enormous impact in my life, and I look forward to being able to continue to experience it.  I think my next trip will likely be a cruise, as it’s something I have not done yet.  My instinct says I won’t like it as much as I enjoy traveling as a local – but I want to experience it regardless.  It’s something Nana and Granddad would do when I was younger.  I remember them telling me stories and showing me pictures from all their many excursions.  Or try on the jewelry that was often purchased on these trips.  I’d picture the ports and destinations, the food and the events that were often a part of their stories.  My grandparents truly led amazing lives.  🙂

Can’t travel without a job.  I’m trying to not count my chickens – but I am hoping to hear good news on the job front this week.  Fingers crossed that I’ll have news either way by Wednesday!  🙂


At the end of the day – I got some news from my mom, that my grandparents aren’t doing very well health-wise.  It has me a bit worried and anxious.  I know as they continue to get older and older that at some point, I will have to say my good byes to them.  But they are mine damn it!  Haha.  But in all seriousness, I’m not ready to even think about losing them.  It makes me sad to think about. Hopefully, things will be just fine and I’ll be allowed to put my head back in the sand on this particular subject.  At least for now.

Well – it’s time to get some sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you!!

Losing the battle to impatience

It’s been a good day – don’t get me wrong.  But I’m more than ready for it to be over now.  My boss has been a bit more high strung than usual today, the final push on some crazy deadlines looms overhead and all I can think about, is that I’d rather be somewhere else.  Where?  Not sure.  Napping?  Traveling?  Sailing?  Cooking?  Something other than managing a team of folks who are over-stressed and over-worked.  🙂


Maybe it’s just impatience.

I’m impatient to move forward in life.  From a career standpoint, life is damn good.  From a financial standpoint too.  My kids are happy and healthy… things are great.  But this whole House thing has me tied up in knots of impatient anxiety.  I just want to find a house and buy it already.  I want to be moved in already.  Maybe it’s like a biological clock – for being a grown up?  🙂  Tick-tock, tick-tock…. oh for god sakes just HURRY UP ALREADY!?!  It’s only a few months… I know I can hang in there.  Heck, not like I have any other choice.

I’m feeling a bit restless.  I’m one of those types of people who makes a goal and walks down the path to make it real.  I’m a dreamer – and yet, I’m also a do-er.  Sometimes, I find myself getting a bit frustrated with the time it takes to effectively “do” a dream.  I tell myself to relax, to wait, it’ll happen, if something’s meant to be – it will be.  I try not to future trip.  Today – I’m not doing that very well.

I need a hug.  And someone to tell me to take a chill pill.  🙂

Much love to you in Neverland.

lipstick kiss

Why is love scary?

I’ve never been in a relationship where I felt truly loved.  Sure, my ex’s loved me in their own ways, but I don’t know that I’d have really qualified what they felt as “love”.  They loved me for what I brought to their lives, not for me.  Compliments were often scarce and said with a backhanded reason attached.  You’re an amazing woman, can you go buy me beer?  Sigh.  Love sometimes scares the shit out of me.  It leaves you feeling vulnerable.  Exposed.  If I love you, it means that although I may get frustrated, confused, hurt or even mad at you… I won’t be able to stay that way for long.  It means that any and all of my spare time, I’ll happily devote to you… so long as it’s wanted.  I get it  – life happens.  We all get busy, or have things we need to take care of.

As a single mom, I worry about my children.

I hate my insecurities.  I have them.  Not a lot of them, but certainly a few. I never quite feel that I’m doing enough, or doing good enough for others.  I worry that I’m asking for too much from others.  That they won’t want to or be able to live up to those asks and needs.

I was talking with a friend, we’ll call her J, tonight.  Was explaining how frustrated I am with myself tonight.  That I let my stupid insecurities take control tonight.  That I felt needy and clingy and just downright plain STUPID.  She helped me.  Said some really nice things actually.  Said how I’m the most patient woman she’s ever met, and would be the best thing to walk into a man’s life.  That I’m right – love is scary.  She reminded me that I deserve to find it and embrace it.  She reminded me that it’s ok to feel needy or clingy occasionally, it’s even normal and expected in some cases.  she made me feel instantly better.  Ok – so my insecurities came out tonight a little.  Time to suck it up, chalk it up to a weird day and move forward.  I think she’s right – I have to do what feels right.  What feels right?

I got mad at myself earlier.  Tried to convince myself that maybe it’s better to just leave things be. Not push so hard, not try so hard.  Ambition has taken me far, but eventually, it could bite me in the butt if I try and use it everywhere.  Especially with relationships – they have to take their own pace, their own course.  But that’s not like me either.  I embrace things head on … typically.  I don’t run away.  I don’t cower.  Ok, maybe sometimes I do… but not when it’s so important. I couldn’t slow down or stop the ambition if I wanted to.  I’m an aries through and through.

Goodnight neverland.  XXO.

A Pact For Patience

I feel like writing, but don’t want to go get my machine; my blankets have accepted me as one of their own. I’d hate to lose their trust, so please excuse any typos as this is from my phone.

I’ve come to an interesting realization tonight. Overall, if I look at the path I am on, its trajectory…I’m happy with what I see and the goals I’d like to accomplish (financial, career, land/house ownership, family, love). Do I falter sometimes? Oh my god yes. But even factoring in things like procrastination, a random illness or health problem, drama from outsiders…or worse family, friends and roomies, holidays, and schedules, and all of life’s interruptions from routine…I am happy with where I am going. I recognize that the pace with which I get there will ebb and flow. Sometimes progress will move at a snail’s pace, and other times, it will fly fast. 

Patience.  I must hold on to it with patience. Such an interesting statement coming from an aries like me.  When did I suddenly become a patient person?  If I look back, I always admired those who had it, but couldn’t quite find it myself.  And now?  I use it every day. With my children, especially the three year old who’s in a “testing” phase. With society, rude people or bad drivers etc. With coworkers and clients – oh how they can push me on my patience. With loved ones – hey, we all have bad days. I’d be willing to bet that there isn’t a single relationship of any type or form where patience wasn’t employed at some point in time.  I seem to have plenty of it to go around.  In fact, there’s really only one person I continue to lose my patience. One person who I don’t always have patence with.


If I were someone else, giving me advice or perspective from an outsider, I’d say “Hey! You’re kicking ass! You’ve been happy! You’re not all the way there yet but look at the progress! Keep going!”

But I look at myself and think, maybe this, or what if that. The self doubt creeps in. And then suddenly, I’ve torn down a lot of that progress I’d worked so hard to make within myself. It’s a trap. The wrong kind of rabbit hole to fall down.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather make sure to fall down the good rabbit holes…new hobbies, adventures, businesses or projects.

In honor of all who wage war on themselves… I propose a pact. Together, we support one another to learn to have patience…with ourselves. To learn to embrace and work towards what lies ahead. Together. Who’s with me? 🙂

Goodnight neverland. XXO.