Tag: me

Update: It’s been a while

Jen1 Comment

First off, I suppose I should apologize.  You see, I use writing as a release.  When I’m feeling down, or lost or anxious… writing helps me find a way to vocalize whatever it is that’s weighing me down.  And once I can do that, once I process it – I can let it go.  But in the past few months, I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster, and haven’t really had the desire to do much writing about it.  So.. here it goes… a brief update on all the busy happenings that have been my life since I last wrote.

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My side business is doing very well.  I imagine at some point towards the end of the year, that it will no longer be a side business… but something a bit more on the main business side of things.  It’s exciting and has been a lot of fun.  My best friend and my daughter are both heavily involved and it brings me a lot of joy and fulfillment to work on it with them.  Not to mention, I can pour my creativity into every new recipe or batch.  I won’t lie, a LOT of my time has been poured into my business… between making the products and making sure they have the proper cure times, researching recipes and new products to add to my lines, testing batches, labeling & packaging, shipping, marketing, attending pop ups or shows… it’s a LOT of work!

I had a bit of a health scare for a few months.  Ended with me having a procedure that, at least so far, has given me some answers.  I’m learning how to manage.  Some days, I have more energy than others, but I’ll be damned if I’m just going to sit by and feel sorry for myself over it.  I’m unique. LOL.  That will have to do.

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I’ve attended a few events, a fair, have visited a few farmer’s markets and even had the privilege of participating in an east indian wedding… such an incredible experience. And the photos.. let me tell you!  All the colors!!!  Such a treat.  It’s been a lovely summer so far, and it’s not quite over yet.

My daughter and I are planning a mural on the long fence that is on one side of our property.  We’ve got a few scenes we’ll work into it, and we’ve spent a decent amount of time planning it out and discussing each scene.  I’ll be buying the paint & supplies tomorrow and we’re both pretty excited to get it going… even if it will take a while to complete it.

Mid-way through August, I’ve rented a little cabin for a couple of days.  I’m hoping the new Kayaks that I’ve ordered will be here, but if not, I’ll use one of the old ones.  I’m really looking forward to it.  To get out, explore… whether it’s by car, foot or boat.  To have nothing pressing, no rush to do anything except what I want.  There’s even a hot tub… so if I want to relax and soak under the stars… I can.  🙂  Absolute bliss.  I’m craving a little quiet.  To slow down and just watch the world around me.  I’ll be sure to bring my camera.  I like to capture that which inspires me.

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My day job has been going really well – we’ve been taking on a few projects that really have me excited.  I’m enthusiastic to see how they go… projects often morph and take on a new direction from how we first imagined them.  It’s a bit like watching your child grow up – and now you can’t really control what direction they take.

I’m still consistently losing 2-5 pounds each week.  I’m pleased by that.  I know I’ll plateau again… will just keep going.  The way I see it, it took me a while to put on the weight – going to take just as long to take it off.

I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks actually – my roommate/nanny is going to be moving out at the end of August.  There’s been a little drama here and there in regards to that… so I’ll be happy to have the house back down to me and the kids.  Shoot – I can’t wait to feel comfortable getting juice from kitchen in my undies again! LOL.  But between her drama, and some drama with our neighbor behind us who wasn’t happy when my daugher washed the car and streams of water went into his yard, and the fact that I had to once again stand up to the ex to remind him that I don’t deserve to be treated with verbal abuse when he’s not getting his way… I’m so over it.  And truthfully, my confidence has taken a hit this week.

Normally, I don’t let things like this get to me.  Not really.  I may be upset for a few minutes, but truthfully, I calm down pretty quick and get over it.  But people this week, have left me feeling a bit confused, and more than a little lost.  I don’t think I was expecting it, so of course, it tripped me up a bit.  But I’m working through it.  I think it’s just a moment when I have to consciously decide that I will continue to just be me.  To unashamedly… Be. Me.  To do what I always do… to keep on keeping on.  Take me as I am, or leave me be.  I don’t think that can be a poor choice.  I suppose it would depend on how emotionally healthy “Me” is in this scenario… but in this circumstance… I feel pretty good about that.

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Frustration, moods, effort, relationships and birthdays

JenLeave a comment

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I’m in a mood today.  And I can’t quite even put my finger on what that mood actually is. I’m frustrated, and antsy, I’m contemplative… really – what it comes down to – I’m craving attention.  A sincere, adult, no ulterior motives, genuine connection with someone. I don’t know… Ever since I decided to take a long ass break away from the dating scene – I’ve discovered that I go through phases.  Sometimes, I’m perfectly content with my social life.  I have a lot of amazing friendships that I cherish and adore.  I get out, I’m also quite busy as a mom and an employee and business owner.  But sometimes… I crave something different.  A real connection with someone, at more than just a surface-deep level. Sometimes I’ll meet someone and think – ooh! There’s something here!  And the moment I give into it, is often the moment they decide they have far more important things to be spending their time on.  Or… they’ll tell me that they are interested in pursuing something with me, but then the communication will lag in such a way that I have no choice but to believe otherwise.  It always seems to be hot or cold for me.  When I DO find someone who’s wanting to put in the effort.. there always seems to be a catch or some very serious red flags.  Perhaps they are an alcoholic, or just got out of a relationship a few months back, or are deep in the throes of working through something serious, like depression or PTSD from American politics and can’t seem to figure out how to move forward from it.   It’s enough to make a woman think she should just stick to being alone.  Maybe the dating world has changed in a way I didn’t expect.  Perhaps the concept of putting in a consistent effort on someone is outdated.

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Effort.  Have we all just become lazy?  Do people not feel like they need to put effort into building and maintaining their relationships anymore?  And I’m not talking about just love relationships here, friendships too.  It was my mentor, who maybe 4 years ago, told me that in order to really network from a business/career standpoint, that any relationships you make, have to be maintained.  Like my garden.  If I neglect those relationships, they’ll go stale.  When a relationship goes stale, it takes even MORE effort to attempt to jump start them.  Her standpoint was that it took less effort to maintain than it did to try and go back and repair them.  I think I took this viewpoint to heart… with all of my relationships.  I’m not saying I’m perfect here… as life happens and sometimes you just have to ride the wave that you’re on and let cards fall where they may.  But it was this advice that led me to really look at the relationships in my life.  Which ones were toxic, or one-sided?  Which ones were weeds that were choking out the rest of my gorgeous garden and what could I do about it?

The ex, his fiance and I have managed to come to a new place in our relationships with each other.  Co-parenting is some seriously tough stuff – and I’m learning more than ever, that just because he is my ex – doesn’t mean he’s not going to continue to be an active participant in my life.  So I’ve really focused on trying to connect with his fiance.  She’s a lovely woman – truly, someone I could be friends with if things weren’t what they are.  For the longest time, she’s been leery of me.  I think she worried that I still wanted to be with the ex.  HA! No thanks!! It’s only in the last month or so, that she’s started to thaw towards me.  I won’t lie, I’ve laid on the charm in order to disarm her a little more and it’s working.  When they drop off my son now, they hang out for a little while and chit chat about the week ahead, and various things going on in their world.  It’s a relief. My ex husband and I will NEVER get back together … this I am absolutely, 100 percent positive on.  BUT… He’s been one of my very best friends for almost half my life.  It’s bothered me a lot in the last 4 years, that that seemed lost.  But lately – I’m seeing it come back – in a new form.  And it’s nice.  I missed him in that way.  And I like her for him.  They seem to be good together.  Is it weird that I can say that?

Overall, it was a good weekend.  This coming weekend is my show at Pottery Barn for my side business.  Then the weekend after that, I’ll be celebrating my birthday with friends. Holy cow I’m officially turning 35 this year!!   My friend J is hosting a party at my house.  She’s invited 100 people!  I know not all will show (THANK GOD!) but it should be really interesting and exciting to see how it all goes!  Then after the party, a smaller group of us are going to go out and sing Karaoke.  Hehe… my friends are such good sports.  I know most of them hate karaoke, but they encourage me to get out and sing.  They know it was once a HUGE part of my life, and I’m grateful that they continue to push and encourage me to not give it up.  My daughter joined choir this year.  She seems to be enjoying it, although she made a comment on Friday that I had to sit and talk to her about.  I guess she’s been nervous to sing around me.  She says I’m intimidating to someone who struggles with pitch, and feels that she’s never going to learn to project her voice.  I offered to help her in any way that I can.  I’d be happy to work through some scales and help her learn to control her diaphragm a bit more.  Lord knows, when I need to be, I can be LOUD.  😀  She seemed to perk up at that one.  She wants to be able to earn a slot for a solo.  It’s funny how it brings me back. As a teenager, I was in every choir, I took professional lessons 3 days a week, I was in as many musicals and music productions I could get my hands on.  I think she’ll find her own on this one.  But I love that my child has yet another common interest as me.  🙂

Well – I better get to working.  Hope you all have a lovely day!  Much love to all of you in Neverland.  Talk soon!

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Since when did people become so scared?

JenLeave a comment

Maybe it’s the aries in me, but if there’s one thing I struggle to empathize with others on, it’s fear.  I can understand and even relate to fear – it’s the inability to move forward when facing fear that bothers me.  When did people become chickens?  It seems as if society runs from things today – commitment, relationships, sex… love.  Especially love.  What the heck is so scary about love?!  Ok – yes, it has the potential to leave you breathless and in pain… but it also has the ability to help someone soar to new heights!  What a thrill!! What an honor!!  Oddly – it’s not looked at like that these days tho.

What seems to be my pattern tho… I find and meet people who are on extreme sides of the pendulum swing, but rarely sit squarely in the middle.  This past year, I dated a little – or at least attempted to.  I was contemplating the past year this morning, when it dawned on me that there’s a pattern to the folks I’ve met that I’ve overlooked.  They are either obsessed with love and their own loneliness – to the point where they almost seem to not care WHO they choose to date or love – ugh, no thanks. These men are the wounded birds who are still struggling with their own demons and truly should NOT be dating people yet OR… they are complete and utter chicken shits where the moment things start to get interesting – they turn and flee with their tail between their legs.  I’m sorry, but what the literal F?!  They’ll say all these lovely things to you, make you feel like you’re special, but when push comes to shove and it’s time to shit or get off the pot – it’s a giant no go.

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I’ve come to a very nice conclusion – I’m not patient enough for that shit.  I’m just not. And if that’s the game that is dating these days – I’m also just not interested.  I barely have time as it is in my day – between my full time job, my side business, my kids, and then trying to maintain the few friendships that mean something to me… Who has time to play games with chicken shit cowards who ultimately just seem to want to play mind games with someone and then move on to play mind games with someone else – all the while – complaining about how hard dating is and how things just aren’t the way they should be.  Hmm… suck it up buttercup!  Perhaps look at the behaviors you’re putting out there and realize that perhaps you’re partially responsible for your own bad luck?!

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I don’t do new years resolutions – but before this morning’s epiphany, I’d have said that one of my goals for the new year is to practice patience… but the more I think about it, maybe that’s where we women have gone wrong.  We’ve been practicing patience with these douchey dudes for FAR too long!!  I say, maybe 2017 is the year that I embrace my inner aries a bit more.  I’ll be patient with my children, with work, and the general public, I’ll practice empathy and understanding with every human being I connect with – however… what I will not do this year – is give empathy and patience to the chicken shits of the world.  If you’re scared – fine, I can respect that – even understand and honor that – but if your solution is to do nothing, to change nothing, to remain stagnant in the same place that you say you abhor… then my only response should be to walk away.  It’s not my job to force someone to move forward.  I’m too busy plowing ahead in my own world!

This year, I have two main focuses that I think I’d like to attempt.  One, is my side business.  My hope is to build it from a side business, to a full-time business and I’m confident that I’ll achieve that goal.  The way I’ve set things up, I know I’ll hit my targets.  (Look out LUSH, I’m totally gonna take you on at some point! Hehe)  The second goal is involving my love life.  It’s time for me to find my person.  A partner in crime, a best friend, a lover… I know – weird subject to make it’s way into my goals.  I’ve lightly dabbled in going on a few dates last year, but ultimately, kept coming to the realization that perhaps I just wasn’t ready.  I didn’t know myself or what I wanted.  After taking a good solid year to explore myself and my desires a bit more in depth – I finally feel good.  I feel ready.  My standards are firmly in place and I feel confident that my person is out there, somewhere. Someone who’ll knock my socks off, and be perfectly at ease with me loving the shit out of them.  🙂  I feel quite hopeful about it all, let’s just hope that sticks around. Hehe.

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And to you, my friends in Neverland… I invite you to join me.  Stand up for what you deserve!  If there’s something you want in your life – reach out and take it!!  Find the courage to strike out and do something a little different!  We only get this one life, so let’s make the absolute most of it this year!  Cheers!!

December is finally here!

JenLeave a comment

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Holy crap man!  This year, both, flew by and crawled at the same time.  But it’s now officially December.  On friday, we’ll put up our Christmas tree.  It’s a bit late for me this year, but oh well.  We do what we can.  I’m lacking in motivation to actually work today, I’d much rather be at home working on my side business.  Things are going well on that front – after this weekend, I’ll be ready to do a soft launch.  Going to have my products in one store front before the christmas season ends just to see how it goes.  Will give me the chance to change and tweak things a bit before officially launching next year.  Until then, I’m continuing to build up my stock and test my product to ensure everything is working beautifully.

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year.  I can’t wait to decorate the house.  I can’t believe that as of March 17th, I’ll have been in the house for a full year.  And hoo boy – what a year it’s been.  I hugged my daughter extra last night, reminding her that I love her and am proud of her for the efforts she’s put in to change some things.  She’s on a better path these days – and it’s a relief.  But it’s also a lesson learned – I now know how quickly things can change, how easy it is to get off course.  I will continue to keep a wary watch over her – to ensure she stays on track.  Her depression really snuck up on us all – and I won’t let it blindside us again.

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Yesterday I discovered that I’d been submitted for a job opening for a company I’ve been trying to get into for quite some time – the real bonus on the opening – it’s about 10 minutes from my house.  I have my fingers crossed, as I’m quickly discovering that I’m not enjoying the commute to my existing job, among other things.  I’d be a director again too – which would be nice.  The job I’m at right now, this is the first time in 7 years that I’m not a manager – and I don’t mind at all – but my new manager keeps having me do work FOR him and it’s starting to get a bit awkward.  It’s not my place to set the course for the team – it’s his, and I’m a bit leery to keep putting myself in a position to step on his toes.

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Ben’s anniversary came and went, and I’m doing ok.  Thanks to some friends, I wasn’t completely alone on Monday and it helped.  I’ve definitely been a bit quiet this week tho.

I had no choice but to stick up for myself yesterday with my mom.  I didn’t want to start a fight so close to christmas, but I’m finding that my tolerance of her negative energy is getting to be less and less.  I made a request of her.  All I asked was that I be treated with common courtesies and decency – just as you would with any person you interact with on a regular basis.  My request was not met well at first, but once my step dad finally stopped trying to talk over me and listened to my request – I think he understood.  Hopefully, he can help me navigate around my mom.  I love her, hell – I love our family – but I’ve always felt like I don’t matter to them.  Unless I’m not doing what they want me to – then it’s world war 3.  LOL.  Thankfully, I managed to simmer them down just enough to avoid utter catastrophe.  I’m not entirely pleased with the outcome – I always feel like compromising is one sided for me – but at least the war was avoided.

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Well – I better get to work.  Thinking of you Neverland.  Wish we could somehow hang out and play hookie today! 😀  Talk soon!

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A Quick Unwind Before Bed

JenLeave a comment

It is 8 o’clock and I’m going to fall asleep here very soon.  I woke up at 5am, left my house at 6am and still didn’t get to work until 8:10am; and it took 2 hours to get home after a full day. It’s weird, I don’t want to go to sleep yet because I feel like I just got home and there’s still some things I’d like to get done, but I can barely keep my eyelids open, so writing in here was my compromise to myself.

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It’s Ben’s birthday tomorrow.  And I’m not sad or feeling anything heavy about it this year.  For a brief moment, I had a twinge of guilt writing that… but it’s ok to move past that heavy, sad stage of grief.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.  I’d think it’s actually quite healthy.  It HAS been 7 years.  I think about him daily.  Just a brief thought here and there.  I still talk to him often… and when things in life suddenly go my way, I often say “Thank you Ben!” as if some how he had a hand in it.

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Today was day 2 of the new job, and so far, I’m absolutely thrilled to be where I am.  The people seem passionate and enthusiastic about the company and our product and services.  I’m already knee deep in research, with pages and pages of hand-written notes and questions and things to look up or research.  My first couple weeks on a job can be pretty intense.  I try and dive in to understand as much as I can as quickly as I possibly can so that I can start to be put to better use.  It’s a lot of fun for me, but also quite draining.  By mid afternoon – my brain decides it’s done and becomes more like mush than anything workable.  Hehe.

This weekend I’m going to either attempt to make some homemade lotions, or I’m going to continue to practice at candle making.  My last big batch turned out AWESOME!  Now I really need to start playing with scents.  Figure out the balance of scent to wax that I prefer.  I’m enjoying using essential oils.  It’s really been a fun hobby to play around with, and my friends will benefit come christmas time, because I’ll certainly be including them with their gifts!  🙂   These are some shots I took from my last 5 batches. 🙂

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Well – I need sleep, sorry that this is a bit short tonight.  Goodnight neverland!  Dream sweet!

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