Tag: journal

The Jealousy Monster

JenLeave a comment

I was just on the phone with my brother.  🙂  The topic of jealousy came up.  Funny, it’s the second time in a couple of days that I’ve had the chance to witness someone struggling with it.

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My daughter was struggling to contain her jealousy monster in regards to her boyfriend.  Some girl at her school was hugging on her boyfriend and it bothered her.  I sat and talked about it with her for a while.  Told her to really think about things.  Had her boyfriend ever given her a reason to not trust him?  No.  Then perhaps she will be better served by trusting him, and giving him the benefit of the doubt.  It was interesting to watch her go through the various stages as she processed what I’d said.

Jealousy is a strange emotion.  One that can be dangerous to the health of a relationship if not handled appropriately.  If you break it down – it’s a signal from your brain.  A warning signal.  Saying that a valued relationship is possibly in danger and steps need to be taken to make sure things stay on track.  What it DOESN’T need to do is make people crazy monsters.  That’s just counterproductive and ruins any forward progress you may make.  It requires trust tho.  This is why I feel the way I do about liars in general.  I struggle with them because if you can lie to me, then I cannot fully trust you.

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I don’t know, I’ve never been someone who has struggled much with jealousy.  In fact, I can say that I’ve only felt it a few times in my life – and it wasn’t over people or relationships – but over the success someone had achieved.  I wanted that for me.  🙂  So not quite the same thing I suppose.

The way I see it – if you’re feeling jealous…then there’s something off about YOU.. not the other person.  It means you’re likely struggling with an insecurity, fear of abandonment or something else that is pushing you too feel and act out in that way.  And if you’re upset that someone is looking at another person, or even lightly flirting with another person… then that’s an issue with you.   You’re in a relationship – you’re not dead.  It would seem unnatural and confining to expect a partner to walk through the world uncaring or unaware of others in that way.  Why shouldn’t they be allowed to admire a beautiful figure?  I certainly do! To expect a partner to do otherwise would mean missing one of the joys of life.

If you have trust… then you should likely know that your significant other would never disrespect the relationship, you or themself in that way.  So why get your panties twisted in a knot about it?

Look – I deal with anxiety on a regular basis – but the way I see it – why on earth would I purposefully allow an emotion to control me and make me MORE anxious if I don’t have to?  Jealousy just doesn’t have a place in my world.  Never has.

Just some thoughts for the day…

Much Love!

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Who am I?

JenLeave a comment

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I wear many masks, play many roles.  All of them are bits and pieces of who I am, and yet none of them make the entirety of what is me.  Who am I really?  Even if I were to ask the top 20 people who know me well… their answers, while some would be similar – some would have emphasis on different areas.  Makes sense – the role I play with each person in my life differs greatly.  So then… who am I?

I could look at the snippets of writing, the creative works I’ve drawn and painted over the years, the music I’ve played and the poetry I’ve written… maybe it is in those things that who I am is clearly reflected?  Hmm.  Nope.  My creative outlets serve as a way for me to channel emotion or a feeling, a fleeting moment that I want to capture; which means they in no way emcompass all of who I am.  So again… who am I?

Is it the voice in my head?  The one that also shows up in dreams and meditation.  Maybe THAT voice… encompasses who I am.  Funny.  The one thing – that clearly reflects and articulates “Me” is the one thing that only I will ever hear or see.  Maybe what it really means – is that Me… the core and essence of who I am – is really only for me to know.

What’s interesting about that concept – is that I actually like the voice in my head. She’s usually pretty empathetic, wise, and funny.  Maybe pixar’s take on the inner voice in the movie Inside Out, wasn’t far off?

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It’s taken me years to learn this.. and even now, sometimes I get a little shaky on it.  But I’m so much better than I used to be.  So much more confident and sure of myself and the choices that I make.  It’s nice to like yourself.  It’s nice to have a clear idea of who I am.  I no longer have to wonder.  Now – I just try and show it to the world.  Because once you find yourself… you want to show it for all to see! 🙂

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Sometimes, weird evenings are the best

JenLeave a comment

I typically write my blog post before I write a title for it.  I often wonder if other bloggers do this too, but perhaps the way I write is unusual.  For me, it’s journal-style.  Where I can easily spill my thoughts, as fragmented as they sometimes are, onto a page and then go back and make sense of them.  Group them, and fix any errors, and then come up with a title.  I’m sure I have quite a few drafts of posts that I never finished… untitled… just sitting there waiting to be completed – and yet – I never come back to them. Each blog post is fresh.  Why can I not just delete them?  I guess there are just some thoughts I don’t want to finish.

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I’m having a weird evening.  I finished tidying up the living room and locking up the house, was heading to take a shower.  Then I figured I’d do a little writing.  Went to grab my laptop, got distracted by a messy kitchen, tidied it a little bit and here I am… finally writing, with no shower.  Time has completely escaped me this evening because when I look at the clock – it’s getting late.  Can I just say – sometimes, as a single mom, it’s hard to keep up.  I don’t feel good – I think I’ve got a kidney stone.  I’ve had them before.  You range from uncomfortable to downright misery for a few days and then everything returns to normal.  Well – at least, in my case.  But because I’m uncomfortable, it’s making me a little slower, with a lot less energy.  I’m looking around my messy house – God, I need a maid. And a vacation.

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It’s R’s last week with us here, and we spent some time chatting this evening.  I will miss our chats.  We’ve learned how to communicate with each other – which means we can communicate about just about anything without upsetting or offending the other person.  We’ve had some very interesting conversations about things like racism, religion, the after life, as well as things like the perfect burger or what we’d do if a zombie walked randomly down the street.  She made me promise I’d call her.  DUH woman! 🙂  But I think we’re both kind of feeling a weird sadness over the incoming goodbye.

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Well – it’s now an hour later than when I started this… and I still need to shower and prep for my early morning.  But I couldn’t help myself… I just had to say that I’m so grateful for my life – my crazy world and everyone I surround myself with.  My village of friends and family.  The people I love.  It was thoughts, many inspired by them – that I write in this blog.  Much love to you neverland.  Goodnight.

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