Wow what a week! I swear, it’s been the longest week in history. An emotional roller coaster that up until this morning, I was pretty convinced would end badly for me. I tried to just keep plugging away, to keep trying, keep pushing; and can you believe it? It worked. Now suddenly, heading into the weekend, it feels a bit like the clouds have lifted. The way the light changes just after a storm. When things calm down and everything starts to recover from the turmoil that just swept past.
At work – I had to lay off my entire team. It was such an emotional ride. Lots of tears at the beginning of the week – from everyone, myself included.
Then was presented with a hiccup in the house buying process, and for a moment, I bawled my eyes out because I was pretty sure I was no longer going to get the house. BUT… some amazing attorneys jumped in and helped me get things squared away. And after a lot of running around this morning, I got confirmation from my lender that all is well and that they’re going to try and push for closing next week or the week after.
I’m elated, but I’m also just plain exhausted. This week has certainly been incredibly taxing. I get the joy of spending the weekend at my Dad’s. I’m looking forward to doing a bit of relaxing. Although, truthfully, I should be spending the time packing and getting everything squared away, I just don’t think I have the energy to do it.
That’s ok – I’ll focus on all of that next week, with fresh eyes and a fresh outlook. I can breathe easier, and maybe even get some good sleep, knowing that all that I’ve been working towards, this journey I started down so that I could provide an even better life for my kids… it’s working out the way I’d always hoped.
I try and remember that for every win, someone must fail. There is always balance in life. I have experienced many fails. It feels lovely to finally win.
It was an interesting weekend, to be sure. It was one of those weekends where life threw me some interesting experiences, the good and the not-so-good, and ultimately, all of them were needed. I came home late Saturday night with a realization that I didn’t even know I needed to have. It was the realization that I am worthy. That regardless of any of the potential baggage that I may carry (my weight, health conditions etc.), that I deserve to be treated with respect. That if I go out with someone, that they should ultimately have the desire to be there with ME and not necessarily be hungrily scanning the room for a female more worthy. That I’m awesome and cool and fun and bring a lot to the table. I didn’t know I needed to learn this lesson. But there it was – staring me in the face.
And rather than do what I would normally do, ignore it, or look away from it, I handled it. I spoke up about what I deserve, and wouldn’t take anything less. It hurt. Worse than I would have guessed, but I’m extremely proud of myself. In my past, I allowed people to treat me as less than the best by not setting expectations and just taking it if/when I was feeling less than respected. It makes me as guilty as the person who was treating me so poorly. I’m confident in my abilities to speak up now. It shows me just how much growth I’ve made over the last few years.
I won’t lie tho, the weekend through me for a bit of a loop. It was one of those strange kinds of things – where on one hand, you have a blast, truly one of the best kinds of experiences… and then immediately follow it with something that hurts and makes you question the path you’re on. Where I’ve landed tho… after doing a work out today and now, writing in here. I’m good. Actually, I’m better than good. I’m damn excellent.
I went and looked at houses. Newer ones this time, and found that I was disappointed by them all. Newer cookie cutter homes with little yards, certainly no where for my greenhouse. Tiny garages. And if you lean out your window – you could probably touch your neighbor’s house. The homes themselves were beautiful… but I just don’t think they are the style for me. So I got home and immediately started searching older homes. I have 2-3 weeks to find a house and put an offer on it, if I want to hit the timing that I have all planned out. It’s tight. It has me a bit nervous… but it’s also incredibly exciting.
Well folks – it’s time to pack up and head home for the day. I may write a bit more later tonight after date night with my son. Much love to you all. Goodnight Neverland.