In the past month or so, I’ve been attempting something a bit unusual for me. At night, instead of wearing my pajamas or nightgowns, I’ve been doing the sports bra and undies thing. For one, it’s hot. But more than that, it’s my attempt at learning to become more comfortable and confident in my own body.
Now some of you may be thinking … “what’s the big deal?”
Let me try and explain. I have never lived alone before. There was always someone else in the home.. be it a family member, a significant other, a roommate and if not one of those, most definitely a child or two. Privacy is just something I don’t get a lot of, so the idea of wandering my house naked isn’t really a fantasy that I have. And lastly – I’ve just never been that comfortable in my own skin. I’ve never been the girl to feel confident living in my own body. I hate my post-babies tummy… and the idea of baring it, even to myself just isn’t something that I’ve EVER been comfortable with.
I’ve been tossing and turning. I can’t sleep. I hurt too much. Apparently I have a cracked rib and the discomfort is keeping me from getting much sleep. I got up and wandered to the kitchen for something to drink and for the first time in my life, I didn’t put on a robe. I just wandered out there, grabbed the tea and swigged a big gulp straight from the jug. And as I walked back into my room, I caught a glimpse of myself… and smiled. I’m looking good!
I may not be at a point where I’d feel comfortable with the world seeing me like that, I’m content enough knowing that I like what I see in the mirror these days. That girl staring back at me … she’s a pretty cool chick. 🙂
Damn…. life is good – even if I AM awake at 3:30 in the morning.
Good night Neverland. Sleep well.
I think for 31 years I’ve truly thought that the definition of hot was NOT plus sized. I know it’s wrong – but look around us? The world embraces the skinny beautiful women. I think maybe in my twisted brain I came to believe that big could be beautiful or pretty but not “Hot” or “Sexy”. See, and even writing that statement, I know it’s inherently wrong, but the few women who do prove that in the fashion, entertainment or even sex industries, to me are edge cases. (Just to be clear, in my book, that means they deserve extra credit and respect because they made it to where they are with a battle of being plus sized as a hurdle they had to conquer). Making it over that battle is not a norm; therefore, they are an edge case. AND … most images these days are photo-shopped anyway. You certainly don’t see cellulite or muffin tops … unless they are being deliberately called out by tabloids or articles poking fun. But it’s still an interesting statement. Does hotness equate to skinnyness? No. I’ve met some skinny people who were in no way hot – inside or out. I’ve met plus sized folks who were amazing gems inside, and others who were ugly and cold or just plain crazy inside. Maybe hotness isn’t about size at all. (Sorry – flashback to a scene from the movie the grinch – … his heart grows 3 sizes because he realizes maybe that’s not what christmas is really about… that’s me right now realizing what hotness is about!)