There’s something to be said about commuting in a car, it leaves for plenty of time to think. To decompress and review things in my head. I certainly don’t do it with everything, but I do find that on occasion, something someone will say or do will get stuck in my head. It leads me with a need to churn it over a bit and mull on it. I think it’s because, in the moment, my brain will nod and move along in conversation… but later, it will pop back in my mind and I’ll wonder about that moment – why did I react that way? Do they really feel that way? Is that really what they meant? Perhaps I am simply an over thinker and need to learn to control that side of myself a bit better. Regardless, it is how my brain works.
Friends and people who learn my story often comment to me about how strong I am. And while it’s nice to hear, it is in no way a reflection of how I see myself. I have strength when it comes to my brain. I’m able to figure out a solution, make a sale, or find a way out of a sticky situation on most occasions. BUT… when it comes to matters of the heart, and when it comes to matters of sex…. I am a total pansy. Let me repeat that, because I’ve never admitted that before. I am a pansy. I wasn’t always like this. This.. is new. A new Jen. One who, now that I see her, I’m not too happy with.
Of course, it doesn’t help that the few times I’ve really opened up and trusted in someone, I’ve ended up highly disappointed and heartbroken over it. A part of me wants to remind myself that “Hey! That’s life! You win some, ya lose some.” But, because those times have been a bit few and far between – what I usually end up doing is just raising my walls further. Protect myself from the pain just a little bit more, but of course, the side effect from me doing that is that sometimes, people who’ve been trying to get inside my walls – get hurt. I shut down and close myself off – and it leaves them hurt. Which ultimately – is not something I’d ever want to do to those who are close to me.
I’d like to change my goals for the year.
I want to learn to bring those walls down a bit more. To let someone in. I suppose… this is my very first step. Admitting that I can see it, recognize it and want to change it. I also have to understand that it means letting in some pain. If I bring down my walls, it’s going to hurt. I’m scared to hurt. I’ve felt sadness and hurt and pain for long enough over plenty of things. The idea of facing pain and sadness scares the shit out of me. But – I want people to know me. For people to see me for who I am – and if they don’t like me… it’ll hurt a little. But this is me. Who I am on this blog… is me. And if I ever want to feel like I’m not alone anymore, it means I have to let people in.