Sometimes, weird evenings are the best

I typically write my blog post before I write a title for it.  I often wonder if other bloggers do this too, but perhaps the way I write is unusual.  For me, it’s journal-style.  Where I can easily spill my thoughts, as fragmented as they sometimes are, onto a page and then go back and make sense of them.  Group them, and fix any errors, and then come up with a title.  I’m sure I have quite a few drafts of posts that I never finished… untitled… just sitting there waiting to be completed – and yet – I never come back to them. Each blog post is fresh.  Why can I not just delete them?  I guess there are just some thoughts I don’t want to finish.

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I’m having a weird evening.  I finished tidying up the living room and locking up the house, was heading to take a shower.  Then I figured I’d do a little writing.  Went to grab my laptop, got distracted by a messy kitchen, tidied it a little bit and here I am… finally writing, with no shower.  Time has completely escaped me this evening because when I look at the clock – it’s getting late.  Can I just say – sometimes, as a single mom, it’s hard to keep up.  I don’t feel good – I think I’ve got a kidney stone.  I’ve had them before.  You range from uncomfortable to downright misery for a few days and then everything returns to normal.  Well – at least, in my case.  But because I’m uncomfortable, it’s making me a little slower, with a lot less energy.  I’m looking around my messy house – God, I need a maid. And a vacation.

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It’s R’s last week with us here, and we spent some time chatting this evening.  I will miss our chats.  We’ve learned how to communicate with each other – which means we can communicate about just about anything without upsetting or offending the other person.  We’ve had some very interesting conversations about things like racism, religion, the after life, as well as things like the perfect burger or what we’d do if a zombie walked randomly down the street.  She made me promise I’d call her.  DUH woman! 🙂  But I think we’re both kind of feeling a weird sadness over the incoming goodbye.

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Well – it’s now an hour later than when I started this… and I still need to shower and prep for my early morning.  But I couldn’t help myself… I just had to say that I’m so grateful for my life – my crazy world and everyone I surround myself with.  My village of friends and family.  The people I love.  It was thoughts, many inspired by them – that I write in this blog.  Much love to you neverland.  Goodnight.

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I need to get some of this out

I’ve been hiding from my phone for the past couple of days.  Ok, maybe not hiding, but I plug it in and walk away from it.  I don’t want to be near it.  Families… weddings… I swear, weddings, funerals and babies bring out the crazy in people.  And typically – when the crazy comes out – someone gets hurt.

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I guess this time… that person is me.  I’m hurt.  Reeling actually.  I feel as if I’ve been singed and cut by someone I never thought I’d have to fear.

My “bro”.  He’s not related to me by blood, but we call each other “brother” and “sister”.  We met 13 years ago, he was my neighbor who lived with his then-girlfriend across the hall.  I swear, the first time I met him, I knew he was my brother from another mother. LOL.  We’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, but we were always there for each other.  He’s always been there for me.

I knew, as his wedding day approached that our friendship was about to change in a big way.  Ideally, I’d gain a cool sister out of the deal.  But she has never seemed to have much interest in that, we don’t share a lot of the same ideals, so I get it. Actually – I wish she understood exactly just how much I get it.  The Bro’s life is about to change in a pretty serious way.  His life now must be with her.  Up until recently, I’ve been excited to think about what is in store for their future… moving in together, babies, eventually buying a house, doing all the things that I know he wants to accomplish.  And I knew that our friendship would move to the very back… like nosebleed seats.  And I’m cool with that – hell – I’ve been pushing him in this direction.  I guess I figured we’d get through his wedding day first.  I was wrong.  And truly, I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.  And if I’m honest, After all that was said, I’m not entirely sure I want it to.

I won’t spill all the details here… but I will say that I wish I could help some people see how much their words can damage.  How their tone and the way they approach other people will directly impact how their words are received.  I will also say that it takes a very brave and yet rather stupid man to judge another.  My bro laid out many of the decisions I’d made over the course of my life … pointing out my mistakes, effectively rubbing my nose in the areas he felt I didn’t measure up.  Not just in my past, but even now.  But he did all of this, only knowing bits and pieces of the story.  He judged me… and it came across with anger, disdain, disappointment and shame. His soon to be wife even joined in the “fun”.  She’d verbally attacked me prior to my bro letting me have it.  Screamed at me and said I was a horrible “best man”.  Ironic she did that when I was putting finishing touches on some bachelor party related stuff earlier that evening.  It was a hard hitting 1-2 verbal sucker punch from them as a couple.

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I won’t lie, that first 24 hours after they both let me have it… I was a wreck.  I broke down.  I bawled and went quiet.  I crawled inside my world and licked my wounds.  I wasn’t even angry, I was self-reflective.  I had to check myself… make sure that what he’d said wasn’t true.  I guess because I’ve been actively working on self-improvement, I had to really take a good look and make sure that there weren’t areas of his feedback that I needed to consider.  The next day, we spoke again and he apologized and tried to sweep it under the rug.  Even tried to deny some of what he’d said the night before.  I thanked him for the apology but stated that for me to feel comfortable attending the wedding and the festivities, that I would like an apology from his fiance/soon to be wife.    He agreed that I deserved it, but warned that I might not get it from her right away.  He laid out various reasons and excuses for why I should just let it go.  About 15 minutes after he said he’d talk to her and get back to me, my phone rang.  It was her, and I answered it pleasantly, as I didn’t want to start things off on the wrong foot.  She immediately started yelling – even yelled an apology.  Yea – cuz THAT feels totally sincere.  I hung up on her, and texted her that perhaps it would be better to move to text.  Honestly, I just didn’t want to be yelled at anymore.  We texted a little – but I pretty quickly gave up on that too.  So here I sit, no sincere apology and still feeling incredibly upset and uneasy a few days later.

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Yes, I could back down… I could suck it up and be there for him on his wedding day.  And likely – I will do this.  More for me than him.  I don’t want to feel guilty 10 years from now for not showing up.  And I’ll go into it knowing there’s the potential for drama, or daggers being thrown at me, there will be the potential for awkward uncomfortable silences, and even worse, a high chance that I will end up feeling used or insulted by the end of all of this.  I will suck it up, BUT… I’m done.  Or at least I think I am.  I’m going to just keep going down my own life’s path… because I’m dying to see what happens in the next chapters of my life.  To get thru this, i’m going to keep telling myself that it’s not my circus, and not my monkeys.

I’m a grown woman who’s made a successful, full and happy life for herself.  I’m a woman who has good, sweet, smart children who may stumble or struggle in their life in places, but who know without a shadow of a doubt that their momma loves them and would do anything to see that they are safe and well cared for.  I don’t deserve to be talked to or treated in that manner.  Especially when what is being said isn’t true.  At least I had that going for me, I knew, deep down in my heart that nothing they said was true about me… that it was being said out of spite and anger and jealousy.  But here’s the thing, even knowing that… it still hurt.  It was a different hurt tho.  This hurt came from knowing that the someone I trusted over the years is now throwing daggers… they are no longer worthy of my trust.  That perhaps I’d misjudged him all along.

So … because of all of this… I’ve been avoiding my phone. I’ve been staying off social media and just kind of hiding in my world.  I’ve had some shifts in a few friendships in the last few months… each of them shook me to my core for various reasons.  This one is no different.  What is interesting to me is that when I promised myself that I’d get healthy, even if that meant cutting toxic situations out of my life… I guess I didn’t realize how many of my relationships had toxic layers woven into them.  Maybe living on my own and staying single for a while truly WAS the best thing I could have done for myself.  I’m so glad I’ve done it up to this point.  I’ll have to watch myself moving forward… I’m putting up my walls with everyone – unintentionally.  And I don’t mean to.  I am just unsure on who to trust, vs. who will judge me or hurt me.  Easier to just put up the walls a bit.

I had an interview today – it went quite well.  I felt confident, for the first time in months actually.  A genuine confidence, not the kind where you fake it till you hopefully make it.  Maybe being shaken to my core this weekend was good for me.  Helped remind me who I am.  Where I’ve been, and more importantly, where I am headed.

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Healthy Relationship Goals

When I was young… I sought out relationships.  I perhaps wasn’t always as choosy as I should have been.  Years of being made to feel like I wasn’t ever going to be good enough led me down a path where I happily accepted anything and everything that came my way – be it friendships and significant others.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to be more choosy in who I allow to enter my world.  I’ve learned that it’s not the number of friends, it’s the quality and health of the overall relationships that really matter.

I’ve always been the person who rushes into everything.  I’m impulsive.  Granted, I DO have self control… but I’m finding, at least lately, that the one quality I used to be proud of in myself… I’m holding back now.  That impulsive passion and enthusiasm that I get, about everything …. be it learning something new, a new project at work, a new friendship or new hobby or love… I’m learning to keep that in check a bit.  Taking things slow.  Learning to be someone’s friend LONG before even considering getting physical with them.  I mean, seriously – what IS the rush for?  If the people who enter your life are really meant to stay … then why are we in such a damn hurry to get across the finish line.  It’s not like the race ever really ends… and what on earth would you get for crossing it?  What… a wedding ring?  A child?  A divorce?  lol.

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It’s challenging… especially in today’s society.  And it’s not like a girl doesn’t have needs.  lol, but I’m feeling a little bit burnt out.  I’m finally starting to really like living alone.  I’m learning ME.  I’m immensely proud of myself and it’s strange because this isn’t really something you can share with others without sounding a bit foolish.  We’re taught to find a man, to settle down, get married, have kids…. that pressure is out there on us all on a daily basis.  Sometimes, it’s so subtle, I don’t even notice it at all.  But it’s still there.  And what’s funny – at least, for me, is that I’ve HAD all of that.  I’ve settled down, I got married, I had kids, I’ve been susie home maker and I’ve been the power suit wearing corporate working mom.  I have literally tasted ALL that society asks us to pursue.

Perhaps that’s why I’m enjoying this bit of soul searching I’ve done since buying this house.  I’ve been trying to figure out what the next big dream is.  I’ve been really enjoying the notion of holding off, on all fronts…. taking a moment to find and secure my footing before I do anything to shake up my world.  It’s certainly never anything I’ve done before.  It all feels healthy.  My goals for my life have shifted in new ways I wasn’t quite expecting.  I find myself just wanting a healthy relationship.  Keyword there is Healthy.  🙂  And for the first time in my life…. I feel like I’m certainly on the right path to eventually get there.  I’m learning to communicate my needs and wants and feelings in better ways.  I’m actively figuring me out.  And it’s really kinda awesome!

So to all of you out there…. single… looking for love… I highly encourage you to look at the opportunities you have to seek out what’s really healthy, thinking long term.  🙂  And to those of you who are settled down… or settling down… still racing… I ask you… What are you racing for and if/when you get it… what comes next?

Much love to you all.  Happy Thursday!

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It feels good to be home

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The house is really starting to come together.  The living room is mostly unpacked, same with the kitchen and the dining room.  My bedroom is coming along nicely, as is my daughter’s.  And this weekend, I will make my son’s room awesome while he’s at his dad’s.

A few friends who’ve been over have commented on how it feels like a home.  A place where they just want to come and hang and stay.  That is precisely what I was going for.  Something modern and clean and yet comfortable and inviting.  Where the fridge always has a favorite beverage and there’s always a tasty snack in the kitchen.  Where music is playing through the house or a good movie playing where you can curl up and watch it.

I’ve always wanted my home to be filled with love and laughter and experiences.

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And for the first time, in a very, very long time, I can see that shaping right in front of me.  It’s lovely.  I look forward to coming home everyday.  Maybe it’s the drastic contrast to the last few months with the roomies, but this is pure bliss.  I’ve got a lot of ideas of things I want to do, areas I want to set up… all in good time of course, as those kinds of projects take money to pull off.  But still – the vision is there.

I have a private balcony off my bedroom.  It’s completely private – the only access coming from my room.  I can’t wait to fill it with flowers this summer and sit and watch the sunset on it.  I can’t wait to sip coffee on it in the wee hours of the morning on the days I work from home.

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I bought concert tickets for a concert in September.  My daughter and I are both quite excited for it.  It’s been about a year, maybe even 2 since I’ve been to a concert.  My last one was The Fray.  It was a good concert, although I hadn’t listened to their new CD enough to really enjoy it, as they mostly played songs from it.

My birthday is coming up.  2 years ago, I tried planning a bash.  It sorta backfired on me and was a total flop.  🙂  Last year, I had to think about it.. I think if I remember correctly, I got tickets to go see a comic perform.  But I think the show happened later… which would explain why I don’t remember really doing much of anything last year.  I don’t know – my birthdays just aren’t really a big deal to me.  I love to make a fuss over other people’s birthday… but I feel odd doing that over my own.

I know my family will ask me what I want for my birthday this year, and at least I’ll have a good answer for once.  Stuff for the house.  🙂  Sure, it’s a bit of a cop out answer, but it works!

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Tomorrow night, I’m getting to visit with one of my favorite girlfriends.   We call it “book club” but it’s really just us going out for a glass of wine and getting to have some good quality girl chat. 🙂  I adore them, as much as I adore her.  Now that I’ve moved, I’m further from her than I was before, and before was already quite a long drive even to make the half way point.  But it’s worth it.  🙂  Sometimes, you just need a good laugh with a good girlfriend.

Today I had my final interview for a position with a new company.  Total, I’ve done close to 15 hours of interviews just for this position, but I’m excited, because I think I nailed it.  And this particular opportunity is one that I really want and would be very good at… not to mention, it would be an absolute BLAST.  The only downside to it, would be the commute, as it’s in downtown Seattle.  But I’d figure something out to make that tolerable as well.

I’m quite content right now, with the trajectory things are heading in my life.  I may not have it all figured out, heck, it’s all ever-changing.  But I feel good about it all.  I feel strong, confident, and happy.  Such a good thing.

Much love to you all, Goodnight Neverland!

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Anger

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I’m angry this evening.  A dear friend passed away.  Her family called me to come and say my goodbyes.  It was very hard to do.  What do you say?  I kept trying to get her to wake up.

“Tia, your cupcakes suck, wake up and tell me to go to hell!”

“Tia, the nurses are going to turn you over, wake up and yell at them to leave you be.”

“Tia, wake up and look out the window, there’s such a pretty view from here.”

Nothing I did worked.  She had similar machines to Ben.  A bank of IV’s, tons of cords and wires, a machine down her throat to help her breathe.  It’s that machine that I hate.  The air moving in and out makes it seem like the patient is just sleeping peacefully.  The tape to keep the tube in place makes the skin a bit puffy over time and their eyes end up being partially open.  It’s unnerving.  And for me, it flooded me with so many memories.  Her hand was cool to the touch.  She has babies, and now they will have to grow up with only the memories they have of their mother.

I just don’t understand death.  Not realizing that it made me angry, I’ve managed to bite the head off of my best friend today.  I feel bad.  I know I should go and apologize and try and mend things, but truthfully, I don’t trust my own ability to open my mouth today.  I might say something I don’t mean.

I’m so angry at the world.  I’m angry that someone so beautiful and special just left it and only a few of us seem to know.  I’m angry that she never realized how special and amazing and strong and beautiful that she was.  I’m angry that I’ve been in similar shoes as she is, and truthfully, we both deserved better.

I’m angry that so many people are selfish and feel entitled these days.  I’m angry that … well… I’m just angry.  It’s not fair.  And I know – better than most – that life is not fair.  But this came as a bit of a shock.  This has rocked me to my core and stirred loose some memories and feelings that I’d buried long ago.  So many questions running through my head.  Why?  Why do things happen the way they do?  Why do we plan things when life will always find a way to change those plans?  For good and for bad.  Why do we as humans struggle to see the bigger picture …. because if we could – perhaps these things wouldn’t be so very painful.  Why does it hurt so much?  I assume because it’s love, and it’s real?

I’ll get through it.  It will be ok.  I’ll go for a walk or turn on some comedy.  Do something to bring myself away from the anger and to a better place.  I just need to take a deep breath.  Or ten.

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you.

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