Some nighttime rambles…

The more I unpack and work to turn this house into a home, the more often I have these lovely little moments; when I’ll walk into a room and in a certain spot, a particular view across the house leaves me feeling a sense of warmth, safety and security that I’ve never had before.

The last week I’ve had off has given me the time to really put in some effort on things around the house.  I’ve planted plants and have been working on the back patio area and the front lawn.  I want to build a privacy fence so that I can have a garden out there that we can sit and enjoy and not feel like everyone is watching.  I can imagine trees and plants and flowers, maybe a little park bench;  a little secret haven, a sanctuary away from the daily grind.

I’ve spent the last two days working on a new project.  Refinishing the master’s bathroom vanity.  It turned out so great that I was inspired to keep going!  I’m going to do the same treatment in the house’s main bathroom.  And today, when I’d finished the vanity, I kept going and refinished a beautiful piece in the front entry way.

I’d never guessed that I’d like refinishing furniture.  Who knew?!  I can see a fairly serious hobby forming.  🙂  It’s fantastic.

I’ve had my brother staying for the last day or so.  He’s helping with some of the heavy lifting I need done.  I need to have a serious talk with him tomorrow, and honestly, I’m nervous for it.  Really nervous.  I love that stupid punk ass kid.  But he needs a fricken knock in the head.  He even comments about how he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.  How he needs to figure it out.  We talked a bunch about it, but then I see what he does all day.  He’s never going to pull himself out of this rut that he’s in unless he actually is willing to change his habits, change his behaviors.  He gets upset because my Dad is always angry with him.  I can’t really say that I blame him.  My brother has no awareness of how what he does affects other people.  He’s quite innocent in that way.

The dog situation… sigh.  That whole thing has just thrown me for a major loop.

I wanted that dog, so badly.  He was an amazing animal.  But with my son being the rambunctious 4 year old that he is… I’m sad.  Heck, I’m more than sad.  I wanted a new pet.  I’ve wanted a new pet for about a year now.  I like that type of companionship that you get with a pet.  And now, it kind of feels like the whole thing is off, dogs, cats.. doesn’t matter.  When, originally, the plan was June.  I’m bummed.

Well – it’s time for sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.

Go Away


Why can’t my own stupid self doubt just go away?  I mean, seriously?!  You rear your stupid ugly head when I least expect it.. when it’s the last thing on the planet I want.

I’m always so worried about what other people want, what will make them happy or content.  But so often, I find myself wondering if that’s just dumb?  If something is wrong, or if someone is upset about something, perhaps what I really need to do is wait and trust that when they’re ready – they’ll come talk to me.  Rather than bugging them to tell me.  Perhaps the right path is really to just continue to enjoy the blissful happiness that my home life has become.  And truly, it really has become just that.  Perhaps the reason I don’t do that, or at least haven’t been able to is because somewhere in my twisted brain, I think that if I allow myself to just embrace my own happiness, that I’ll be blind sided and not see something horrible if/when it comes along.  But living in doubt, or fear of a “what if” is just plain silly.  Not to mention, living in that fear and doubt prevents me from truly experiencing that over the top happiness that I so desperately seek.

My family got a dog today.  He’s so cute.  He’s an older dog.  We adopted him from a local shelter.  I think he’s going to make an excellent member of the family.  And that has me so overjoyed.

The house is coming together beautifully.  I put up some pictures today that really made me smile.  I have so much planned out for the next few weeks that I’m off.  More art going on the walls, going to tackle a bunch of gardening, even attempt to refinish some furniture.  It’s going to be epic!  🙂  And it’s so nice to have a break from work.  To not have to do anything for the job that I don’t want to do.

Tomorrow, I’ve got a few fairly major things to take care of.  One in particular, I’m pretty dang nervous about.  My only hope is that it turns out the way I need it to.  That’s just how it has to be.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk soon.

Scam Artists and forgetful fathers

The anger and unjust feelings I’m currently experiencing are threatening to spew out in profanity, so please excuse this post.

I pride myself on my intelligence and my ability to read people and situations.  It is when I rush, that I get caught by surprise. And yet, here I am, falling prey to a scam artist. I’m feeling sooo stupid.

I thought I was buying a dog.  A puppy for the family. Who am I kidding…a puppy for me. I started out looking at adopting a 3 yr old bulldog named meatball…but Alayna got distracted by a bulldog puppy listing and I sent an inquiry thinking about her birthday.  It’s today.  I didn’t research.  I didn’t take a step back and look at the details, I lept.
There is no dog.  They got $400 from me.  I told Alayna…used it as a learning experience. Explained why it is so important to stop and research. If they’d been legit, they’d have waited.  How it could have been so much worse, and that we learned a valuable, albeit expensive lesson.

I’m still angry though. And incredibly disappointed.  And I feel stupid and naive and dumb. I was looking forward to having a dog. Having that companionship again.  A best friend and cuddle buddy. Someone who’ll snore and slobber and give wet kisses, and be so happy when I come home. Someone who’ll need walks and trips to the park.  I miss that.  I feel like I kinda need that right now.

I feel bad for my mini me. She had kind of a crappy day and kind of a good day.  We went for dinner with my parents to a mexican restaurant.  She had a birthday sombrero and song and dessert.  We came home, played a board game, watched Robinhood: Men in tights.  We spent most of the night laughing.  I was trying to keep her mind off the fact that the ex didn’t call her.  Everyone else did.  Even some of my friends and the bro’s girlfriend said happy birthday to her or called to talk with her.

She talked to me about it.  I finally texted him around 8:30.  Typically her bed time. He asked what I was up to and I said, “celebrating”.  He asked what we were celebrating and my momma bear came out and unleashed a taste of hell. How could he do that to her? He called and I snarled at him.  He was full of excuses and attitude.  “I was busy.” Asshole.  He doesn’t get that what he does has way more ramifications than what he says.  He doesn’t get that kids are led by example and that neglect and forgetfulness can hurt way worse and do more damage than any spanking ever could.

He adopted her.  He stood in front of a judge and swore an oath to take her as his own. The birth certificate now says his name.  And yet, he makes little efforts to see her and now this. He takes our son twice a week and every other weekend, but makes very little consistent effort for our daughter. She’s a good kid.  Deserves better than that bullshit.  Sigh.

I haven’t always made the best choices in life, but, I can say that I learn from them.  Today, life threw a few lessons at me.  Tomorrow is a new day. Fresh, with no mistakes in it.  Yet. 🙂

Goodnight neverland.