Tag: Birthday

A Quick Unwind Before Bed

JenLeave a comment

It is 8 o’clock and I’m going to fall asleep here very soon.  I woke up at 5am, left my house at 6am and still didn’t get to work until 8:10am; and it took 2 hours to get home after a full day. It’s weird, I don’t want to go to sleep yet because I feel like I just got home and there’s still some things I’d like to get done, but I can barely keep my eyelids open, so writing in here was my compromise to myself.

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It’s Ben’s birthday tomorrow.  And I’m not sad or feeling anything heavy about it this year.  For a brief moment, I had a twinge of guilt writing that… but it’s ok to move past that heavy, sad stage of grief.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.  I’d think it’s actually quite healthy.  It HAS been 7 years.  I think about him daily.  Just a brief thought here and there.  I still talk to him often… and when things in life suddenly go my way, I often say “Thank you Ben!” as if some how he had a hand in it.

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Today was day 2 of the new job, and so far, I’m absolutely thrilled to be where I am.  The people seem passionate and enthusiastic about the company and our product and services.  I’m already knee deep in research, with pages and pages of hand-written notes and questions and things to look up or research.  My first couple weeks on a job can be pretty intense.  I try and dive in to understand as much as I can as quickly as I possibly can so that I can start to be put to better use.  It’s a lot of fun for me, but also quite draining.  By mid afternoon – my brain decides it’s done and becomes more like mush than anything workable.  Hehe.

This weekend I’m going to either attempt to make some homemade lotions, or I’m going to continue to practice at candle making.  My last big batch turned out AWESOME!  Now I really need to start playing with scents.  Figure out the balance of scent to wax that I prefer.  I’m enjoying using essential oils.  It’s really been a fun hobby to play around with, and my friends will benefit come christmas time, because I’ll certainly be including them with their gifts!  🙂   These are some shots I took from my last 5 batches. 🙂

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Well – I need sleep, sorry that this is a bit short tonight.  Goodnight neverland!  Dream sweet!

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It feels good to be home

JenLeave a comment

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The house is really starting to come together.  The living room is mostly unpacked, same with the kitchen and the dining room.  My bedroom is coming along nicely, as is my daughter’s.  And this weekend, I will make my son’s room awesome while he’s at his dad’s.

A few friends who’ve been over have commented on how it feels like a home.  A place where they just want to come and hang and stay.  That is precisely what I was going for.  Something modern and clean and yet comfortable and inviting.  Where the fridge always has a favorite beverage and there’s always a tasty snack in the kitchen.  Where music is playing through the house or a good movie playing where you can curl up and watch it.

I’ve always wanted my home to be filled with love and laughter and experiences.

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And for the first time, in a very, very long time, I can see that shaping right in front of me.  It’s lovely.  I look forward to coming home everyday.  Maybe it’s the drastic contrast to the last few months with the roomies, but this is pure bliss.  I’ve got a lot of ideas of things I want to do, areas I want to set up… all in good time of course, as those kinds of projects take money to pull off.  But still – the vision is there.

I have a private balcony off my bedroom.  It’s completely private – the only access coming from my room.  I can’t wait to fill it with flowers this summer and sit and watch the sunset on it.  I can’t wait to sip coffee on it in the wee hours of the morning on the days I work from home.

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I bought concert tickets for a concert in September.  My daughter and I are both quite excited for it.  It’s been about a year, maybe even 2 since I’ve been to a concert.  My last one was The Fray.  It was a good concert, although I hadn’t listened to their new CD enough to really enjoy it, as they mostly played songs from it.

My birthday is coming up.  2 years ago, I tried planning a bash.  It sorta backfired on me and was a total flop.  🙂  Last year, I had to think about it.. I think if I remember correctly, I got tickets to go see a comic perform.  But I think the show happened later… which would explain why I don’t remember really doing much of anything last year.  I don’t know – my birthdays just aren’t really a big deal to me.  I love to make a fuss over other people’s birthday… but I feel odd doing that over my own.

I know my family will ask me what I want for my birthday this year, and at least I’ll have a good answer for once.  Stuff for the house.  🙂  Sure, it’s a bit of a cop out answer, but it works!

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Tomorrow night, I’m getting to visit with one of my favorite girlfriends.   We call it “book club” but it’s really just us going out for a glass of wine and getting to have some good quality girl chat. 🙂  I adore them, as much as I adore her.  Now that I’ve moved, I’m further from her than I was before, and before was already quite a long drive even to make the half way point.  But it’s worth it.  🙂  Sometimes, you just need a good laugh with a good girlfriend.

Today I had my final interview for a position with a new company.  Total, I’ve done close to 15 hours of interviews just for this position, but I’m excited, because I think I nailed it.  And this particular opportunity is one that I really want and would be very good at… not to mention, it would be an absolute BLAST.  The only downside to it, would be the commute, as it’s in downtown Seattle.  But I’d figure something out to make that tolerable as well.

I’m quite content right now, with the trajectory things are heading in my life.  I may not have it all figured out, heck, it’s all ever-changing.  But I feel good about it all.  I feel strong, confident, and happy.  Such a good thing.

Much love to you all, Goodnight Neverland!

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Life is good

Jen4 Comments

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My birthday is in 3 days.  I’ll be 32.  Sometimes I still feel like a little girl – overwhelmed and inspired by everything I see.. And other times, the wise old soul in me comes out and I feel like I’ve been around on this planet a hell of a lot longer than just 32 years.  I’ve been through a lot.  I’ve seen the deepest darkest depths of hell and I’ve experienced flying on some of the most amazing and joyous heights.  I’m definitely on a high point these days.  Sure, I may have a grumpy moment here or there.  A moment when stress bubbles up and I just need a hug, but overall, I’m doing DAMN well.

Yesterday I spoke with my grandparents on the phone for a bit.  What struck me about it is that about half way through the call, I think my grandfather had an epiphany.  I think it dawned on him how cool his granddaughter is.  We were talking about music and books and movies.  I was telling him how you can learn a lot about a person by the books they have on their shelf, or the movies they collect or the music they listen to.  I mentioned how people at work will often giggle at my strange playlists that range from Beethoven to Ella Fitzgerald to Nirvana to Eminem and everything else in between.  He was telling me how I need to focus on building up a resource library so that anytime I need knowledge on a subject, that I can find something on my shelf.  I explained to him that I can skip the huge library and just rely on the internet to help me research.  He laughed and admitted to being a bit behind the times on that one.  It was a lovely chat.  He then put Nana on the phone.  She’s one of the few people in my life who can get me to spill anything and everything without even trying.  I ended up jabbering on about everything .. birthday plans, my upcoming getaway plans, the job, the kids, the bro, and … wait for it..the guy I’ve been seeing.  My mom would probably intake her breath in horror.  I can just hear her say.. “But Jenny!  They’re old fashioned, they don’t need to hear about your love life.”  Why the hell NOT?!  It’s not like I’m sharing EVERY detail.  I simply mentioned that I was planning a trip to get away, she asked if I was going with the kids and I said I was taking a special friend.  She knew the minute I said “friend” that it wasn’t a friend and giggled and said she was happy to hear that I hadn’t embraced monkhood.

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I gave her no details, other than his name… and simply said how I am happy in life right now.  And I could hear it… her sigh of relief.  I’m betting my family has seen how unhappy I was for a long time but never said anything.  I’m sure they thought – well – at least she has her kids and her career.  She may not have found love, but at least she can care for everyone she takes care of.  I’ve had a TON of people comment to me in the last 4 months or so at how happy I have become.  How it’s infectious and they just want to hang out all the time because it spreads to them too.  Yay!! 🙂  And here’s my confession to you my dearest readers… It’s a genuine, completely content, don’t know how I ended up here, wasn’t planned and was a total surprise, cheesy, giddy type of happiness.

I’m super stoked for my birthday plans.  Even tho, so far at this point, not everyone has RSVP’d.  Who knows – I could end up with just a handful showing – I invited a total of 30 people.  But I don’t care.  I know that the people who do show up will be the ones that I’ll have a blast with and that’s really all that matters.

I’m also planning a “weekend” getaway for mid April.  I’m stoked.  I need it.  A chance to get away to a place where there is no signal.  No TV.  No pressures.  I can sleep in.  The kids aren’t coming.  I can get up at the crack of dawn and go for a walk on the beach if I want.  I can build a bonfire and roast marshmallows.  Find a pretty shell or a tide pool with treasures in it.  The place even has a great looking spa.  Get a massage and soak in a hot tub.  BLISS!  I’m taking Monday-Wednesday off in order to go and do this…. and as much as I am LOVING my job right now, I feel like knowing this is officially reserved and booked is what is keeping me from losing my sanity hehe.

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Looks like there’s a big chance I’m going to be visiting Washington DC in June/July this year.  We have a big convention for partners at that time, and I’ve pitched that if they want to do some heavy research, that’s probably the best place to do it.  Should be fun.  I haven’t seen much of the east coast.  I won’t know for sure on the timing of all of that for another week or so, but I’m fairly positive they won’t decline my request to attend.  What I need to look into now is whether I can have someone come with me.  I did so much travel alone last year, I’m kind of over it.

So … let’s see what else is going on with me.

Fleetwood Mac is going back on tour.  I’m trying to convince the parents to go with me to their show in November.  They were one of my favorite bands growing up as a kid.  Who am I kidding – I have so many “favorite bands”.. I think I need a new phrase.  The last concert I went to with my parents was Super Tramp back in the 90’s.  Good concert… first time I ever witnessed people smoking pot.  I remember leaning over to my mom commenting on the old men who were smoking pot.  She laughed at me when I said “But mom – they’re OLD!”  Ahh youth.

Well – I better get on with my day.  Happy Wednesday!! 🙂 Love to all of you!

Could really use a friend today…

Jen12 Comments

I tossed and turned most of the night.  Bad, horrible dreams.  Worst in a long time.  It’s left me feeling tired, weary, and vulnerable.  Everyone was in a mood this morning.  What started as a lovely day quickly went off kilter, no matter how much I tried to change the ebb and flow of that tide.  It was a great weekend.  This week, although busy, should be another amazing work and this coming weekend is my birthday.  So why am I feeling so off today? 

I suppose it’s a lot of little things.  Work has me stressed (happy – but stressed all the same).  In the last couple of days, a few folks in my life decided to try and push me in ways I didn’t want to be pushed.  In ways they have no right or bearing to do.  And when I declined and simply and quietly stated that I was going to go my own way on this, they lashed out.  What is that?  Is there some rule that says if you have someone in your life who’s a downright giver…that if they don’t submit and do it your way that you have to try and destroy them?  What so if they can’t have it no one can?  Bunch of bullshit if you ask me.  Now I will say – I’ve done a pretty good job of letting it all roll off my back.  I almost always do – but today I’m left feeling very drained from it all.  It’s gotten old. 

To my father – I’m sorry that I’m not what you wanted.  It is what it is.  I’ve moved on – perhaps it’s your turn too.

To my ex.  Just stop.  It’s been plenty long enough now.  It’s time to move on with your life and quit attacking me for moving on with mine.  I wanted to be friends, for the sake of our kids… but now I just want some peace.  I am not your wife, I am not your counselor, and lately – I’d barely even qualify as your friend.  Quit trying to use me.  I won’t stand for it any more.

To the grandparents – not that you’ll ever read this blog.  I’m not a boy.  I’m not a man.  I am a woman.  And frankly – it’s time you learned that it’s not 1950 anymore.  I’m doing DAMN well for myself.  Professionally, as a mother, as a friend and just as me.  Please stop with the judgements.  Stop with the unrealistic expectations.  I can’t do it anymore.  Because I love you the way I do, I take those expectations and try and fit and maneuver and squeeze myself to match them.  And, to be honest, I’m sick of doing it.  It’s time to embrace the shape that is me.  Faults and all.  It’s no longer the world your generation ruled… it’s mine. 

To the folks I care about… to those of you who don’t pile on the unrealistic expectations… thank you.  I can’t tell you how much.  Need to pull myself from this funk now.  Happy to take a hug or two if you’ve got ’em to spare.

 

So Damn Happy! :D

JenLeave a comment

Yesterday was by far one of the busiest days I’ve ever had in my career.  And it’s not slowing down anytime soon.  The rest of this week, my calendar for work is booked, double booked and triple booked in some places.  It’s positively crazy.  Next week, it looks very similar.  For some reason, it doesn’t stress me out.  I have no idea how I’m going to get all my work done, but I know that it’ll get done.  And that’s what matters. 🙂

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I woke up this morning with a big goofy cheesy stupid grin on my face.  Despite having odd dreams and having my son come crawl into my bed at 4am.  I should be a zombie.  I should be grumpy and stressed.  But I’m not.  I got dressed, dropped off the daughter at school, sent out a couple quick emails, stopped for coffee, giggled over the morning radio show and made it to my office with 10 minutes to spare before my first task of the day. 

The ex stopped by last night to drop off a few things.  He’s been extremely mopey lately and I called him on it.  I asked if everything was ok and if there was anything I could do to somehow help.  Note to self.  That question can open up a whole can of worms that really, you don’t want to have opened.  Long story short, I’ve moved on with my life, and he hasn’t.  Funny, there was a time when that would have made me feel guilty.  But I refuse to feel bad or guilty or wrong for moving my life forward.  I refuse to feel bad for actively trying to find myself and a bit of happiness.  And that’s the thing… I’ve spent the last year, actively trying to find myself, and through that, happiness.  And you know what?  It’s worked.  I’m happy.  Yea, sometimes I might have a moment where I’ll be in a bit of a mood, or a bit lonely, but overall, I’m down and out seriously content happy.  I can ride the waves with the best of em now.  I guess in some ways, I always could.  But in the past, any life hiccups were stressful.  Now I just roll with it.  Why get your panties in a twist over something that likely was out of your control anyway? 

My birthday is coming up.  Soon.  April 5th. For the first time in my adult life, I’m planning to DO something for it.  And I’m so excited.  I can’t quite put it to words.  Birthdays in the past were just another day.  In fact, they were generally a day that was filled with mixed emotions.  I get the obligatory phone calls from family, sometimes my dad will call – and other years he’ll completely forget.  The ex would never plan anything, or if he did it was last minute and half-assed.  Gifts? ha! I’ve talked about gifts on this blog before.  If I wanted a gift for my birthday, it was up to me to go and pick it out and buy it.  And 10 years of doing that will teach a person to be ok with that.  This year would be no different, as I’m not anticipating any gifts this year.  But this year IS different.  I’m making plans.  Gathering up the gaggle of friends to go and do something memorable.  A scavenger hunt around the city followed by a burlesque show and dinner and drinks at a place with some awesome views of the city, I hope to capture as many happy moments with my camera as I possibly can.  I don’t have to feel like a nuisance or a bother this year.  I don’t have to stress about feeling let down by the lack of caring and lack of planning.  I don’t have to feel hurt that even on my birthday, I am and was never a priority in someone else’s life.  Hell – this year – I’m a priority in my own life.  That alone is a dramatic shift.  A healthy one. 🙂