Goodbye Self Doubt

I had an interesting night.  I went to a party with “T”.  A house party.  Really cool bunch of people.  Mostly nerds.  🙂  I had moments where I was chatty and a total social butterfly and moments where I was a bit more quiet and off to the side… the wallflower.  Overall, I’d say I had a pretty decent mix.  I’m proud of myself for it.  Meeting and interacting with new people outside of work is hard for me.  I’m not sure why…but typically I’m too full of self doubt.  And just maybe not enough practice.  But tonight, I held my own.  Had people laughing, talked about languages and humanity, literary artists, comic artists, zombies, relationships, all were topics at hand.  In the last couple days, I’ve had a bit of a transformation that’s done me some good and it showed tonight.

I’ve been pretty sick and this last week was rough at work.  Lots of stress, lots of deadlines and a lot of visibility from leadership so the pressure is on.  I’m holding my own there too, but being sick and dealing with all of that took a toll on me.  I did something for me on yesterday.  I went shopping… bought a killer dress.  They always say a girl needs to have that one magic dress.  Where she slips it on and it hugs her in just the right places and feels silky smooth to where she feels almost sinful wearing it.  That with some strappy sandals and a new hairstyle (dark red hair with dark purple highlights… sounds odd i’m sure, but it REALLY looks awesome).  I love the new hair, although it’s also a little scary too.  I love it because it’s me.  It’s fiery.  It’s bold and vibrant.  It’s scary cuz that’s out for the world to see.  But I need this.  I feel more like me than I have in years.  The weightloss, the hair… I’m dressing better.  I feel like I have something to flaunt .. and I haven’t in years.  I FEEL sexy, and oddly, it must show because I’ve had 3 strangers hit on me or offer a phone number in the last couple of days.  It’s odd.  Maybe there’s something in the water.  I’ve politely declined them all, but happy for the ego boost I didn’t even know I really needed.

What is sexy?  I got to witness some interesting examples of how people interpret it tonight.  Really short summer dresses, jeans and a tshirt that reveals the shoulder, fishnet stockings and tutus and boots, catholic school girl uniforms that show all ass lol… I respect them all for the courage it takes to go to the extreme, especially from the plus sized girls.  BUT… I also realized something else tonight.  Looking at some of the girls tonight who were revealing so much… I could do that.  I could dress that way and actually probably look pretty good… but I kinda don’t want to.  Yea I liked wearing my dress to dinner the other night and feeling like a hot bombshell walking down the street…. but even my dress is classy.  I guess that’s my taste?  In the bedroom – sure, i’ll wear whatever you want… but out and about?  Meh.  I guess it depends on my mood…but I like to be able to control when I’m ogled.  😀  I’ll admit it though… there was a moment when those girls tonight, intimidated me a little bit.  I’m not like them.  Not sure I want to be.  I’m calm and chill.  I don’t party.  I don’t drink till i’m lying in the grass half passed out with my panties revealed to the world.  I’m more likely to explore the park or make a badass meal and play old school video games than I am to be getting shitfaced drunk.  Of course I get that it’s a holiday – and I get that these girls are young.  I guess it’s my age showing.  But I’m not THAT much older than they are.  I’ve been through more.. seen more of life.  I felt a little sorry for a couple of them at one point.  I don’t think it’s funny that you’re so drunk that you’re humping another girl on the grass with 10 men taking pictures and ogling.  Girl… you’re DRUNK.  When you get sober..and you see those photos all over the internet… then what?

This my body… it’s all I have.  And yea, it might be broken at times.  It might be pudgy in places still.  But damn… this body is a temple.  I’m starting to see just how beautiful and amazing this “temple” really is.  Only those whom I deem worthy get access to it. I don’t have a desire to flaunt.  I know what I have and who I am.

I had some great chats tho.  Heard some fascinating stories.  Of course, there are always the folks in the party you learn to steer clear of.  The overly persistent ones.  I ran into one of those tonight.  At first it was just good conversation.  But then it was whispers in the ear and an arm around me.  And then handing me his glass and demanding a fresh drink (I was in line at the bar).  I handled my own there too.  I said…”Honey, I’m not your bitch, you’re a grown man.  Get it yourself.”  Thankfully he then got distracted by a new friend asking him to do the bend and snap.  She winked at me and I was grateful for the escape. 🙂  There were a few times when I was grateful for “T” as he’d sidle up and be able to steal me away or steal the attention.  I like good conversation, I suppose I walked into it in the first place.  BUT… whispering in my ear in French because you know I speak it… yes I know what you said.  No I don’t think that line would work in English any better than it does in French.  And no… I wouldn’t go home with you….ever.  Sorry buddy.  Thankfully more women showed up and I made myself scarce and found a lovely spot to sit and watch the fireworks in the grass.

Overall, it was a lovely party.  A lovely night.  Hell – it was an awesome day all up, a great forth of July.  Goodnight neverland.   Sleep well when you get there.


What is Hot?

I had a great day.  Despite being sick and spending most of it in bed.  When I did get out of bed, I did my best to dance and cheer around the house.  It’s what happens when I get sick of being in bed.  I get kinda silly.  The folks I care about all seemed to be in good moods today too, which always helps.  When they are happy – my happiness is greater.  I found a few fun songs to bust a move to randomly during dinner, made everyone laugh.  Of course, then another wave of fever takes over and I’m back in bed hiding beneath blankets and answering anyone with a muffled “Go Away, you’ll get SICK!” to anyone who calls for me.  It’s a fun time.  I should warn you all, I’m a little drugged with a variety of meds tonight, so my writing may or may not be affected… you have been warned.

The bro made a statement yesterday that I’ve been really thinking about.  Just because you’re not skinny doesn’t mean you’re not hot.  Wow!ImageI think for 31 years I’ve truly thought that the definition of hot was NOT plus sized.  I know it’s wrong – but look around us?  The world embraces the skinny beautiful women.  I think maybe in my twisted brain I came to believe that big could be beautiful or pretty but not “Hot” or “Sexy”.  See, and even writing that statement, I know it’s inherently wrong, but the few women who do prove that in the fashion, entertainment or even sex industries, to me are edge cases.  (Just to be clear, in my book, that means they deserve extra credit and respect because they made it to where they are with a battle of being plus sized as a hurdle they had to conquer).  Making it over that battle is not a norm; therefore, they are an edge case.   AND … most images these days are photo-shopped anyway.  You certainly don’t see cellulite or muffin tops … unless they are being deliberately called out by tabloids or articles poking fun.  But it’s still an interesting statement.  Does hotness equate to skinnyness?  No.  I’ve met some skinny people who were in no way hot – inside or out.  I’ve met plus sized folks who were amazing gems inside, and others who were ugly and cold or just plain crazy inside.  Maybe hotness isn’t about size at all.  (Sorry – flashback to a scene from the movie the grinch – … his heart grows 3 sizes because he realizes maybe that’s not what christmas is really about… that’s me right now realizing what hotness is about!)

Ok so fill me all in your thoughts.  What is hot?  What makes someone (male or female) hot?  What qualities must someone have to rank them as being hot?  Is it confidence?  Physique?  Pheromones?


I had a strange thing happen to me today.  I was straightening my hair – I figured, maybe if I showered and made an effort to look decent I’d feel better.  It didn’t work lol, but as I was going through the motions I looked at myself in the mirror.  On one hand, I look like hell.  Dark circles, pale complexion, I look sick.  But on the other I also look… I dunno.  Dare I say it… Pretty.  Hmm.  Just writing that makes me smile a little.  I don’t take compliments very well; I get awkward with them, just not used to hearing them I suppose.  There’s been a small shift for me.  I don’t look at myself in the mirror and only see flaws anymore.  I look and see a woman, sometimes a girl, but a woman who’s been through some amazing things.  She’s strong and smart,loving,  funny and kind to others, and despite still dealing with some weight issues (although those are disappearing too), she’s actually- kinda beautiful.  lol I know, I know… in my case.. I am literally the definition of hot… because I have a raging fever.  😀  Just kidding…ok, ok, going to go bury myself in my covers again…gah! I hate being sick!  I’m so BORED and sick of feeling useless!