Felt like doing some art today

It’s been too long since I’ve done digital painting.

Exhaustion & Appreciation

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I am absolutely wiped.  It’s been hell week.  For a number or reasons.  Sometimes, you have to take a step back and accept a bad day or a bad week for what it is, and just try and laugh.  The stress on my back is the highest it’s ever been, and yet, I sit cuddled under a favorite green quilt on my bed with an odd smile on my face, and genuine appreciation in my heart.  I feel that as a society, we don’t remember to say our thanks and appreciation for those we know and love often enough.  So I’m taking a stand, and this post, is to honor some of the people that come to the forefront of my mind after such a crazy week.  Of course, I’m using nicknames for them all… but they’ll know it’s them.  These are people who I love dearly and often don’t think to thank them for their presence in my life.  Some of the people I’m honoring don’t read this blog, so they may never really know how I feel, but to the ones who do.  Know that I love you. 

T – Wow, what a whirlwind of a day today.  I’m so grateful to have you in my life and I love you very much.  I’m proud of you for today.  I know how hard it is to face conflict head on.  You and I are a lot alike in many ways.  We both actively avoid conflict or drama, preferring the route of the ostrich (sticking your head in the sand).  Thank you for being brave enough to communicate with me, to share with me what you were thinking and feeling.  I can’t tell you what that means to me.  I cherish and honor you most of all with this post.  I meant what I said today when I said that you have many people who love and care about you, who root for you to succeed in all that you do.  We’re here for you, whenever you need us.  Don’t let anyone bring you down, especially not when you’re doing so well.  F them.  Shine brighter instead.  I’m sorry that you got to see my temper shine through today.  It’s not something I pride myself on and truly, will continue to berate myself over it for a bit, as I truly don’t believe in unleashing fury at people.  This little aries has a mouth, and uses it when I deem necessary.  I felt it was necessary, in defending you. I hope that you can somehow find a bit of pride in that.  It shows how much I truly care.  I will not stand and listen to someone treat you that way.  You deserve so much better than that.  Thank you, for all you do, and all you are.

R – I had such a good time with you yesterday.  You are truly an amazing, inspiring, wonderful friend.  I appreciate you so much.  You and I have had an odd blossom to a friendship.  I never would have guessed we’d become friends.  And here we are.  You deserve to be honored here.  We’ve laughed, and cried together.  We’ve judged and ranted together.  We’ve shared wine and got tipsy together.  You’ve even been kind enough to show me things I didn’t know (makeup lessons – I know how sad is it that at 32, I don’t have all the girly habits mastered).  Thank you for being you; and for allowing me to participate in your life and share mine with you.

L – My mentor, my friend, my sister.  How I’ve worried for you this week.  I’ve tossed and turned over it.  If only you read this blog, you’d know how much I love you.  How I want to see you lift your wings and take off.  You have been the person who’s inspired me to be great.  You’ve given me hope that women could be in leadership and succeed.  That you didn’t need a man to be successful, that with the right amount of work, and grace, and intelligence, a woman could lead the charge and take on the world by storm.  You care about people.  Deep down to the core.  You put on this mask of strength and grace, and over the years, have let me glimpse underneath.  The woman underneath is beautiful, strong, vulnerable, courageous, lonely, and truly amazing.  Thank you for being who you are.

P- My “bestie”.  How I adore you.  Thank you for being a cheery face this week.  Thank you for the morning coffee trips and the sanity checks.  Thank you for giving it to me straight the way you always do.  Thank you for helping me get out of my own head.  You know I love and adore you.  But thank you – for being a part of my life.  I don’t think my world would have half the brightness it does, if it didn’t involve you. 🙂

And to these last two… you both surprised me a bit this week by being there for me in different ways.  You aren’t my best friends, but you deserve to be honored and told how much I care about you and appreciate you in my life, because you’ve been there.  Our relationships are still on the newer side of things.

A – I enjoy our coffee breaks, talking about coworkers, broken cement tiles or the crazy things kids do.  I never expected for us to become friends, but I’m really happy that it somehow came about.  You’re someone I often reach out to for a bit of outsider’s advice, or just to rant about my day.  Whether you know it or not, I root for you to be happy and successful in all that you take on. I may not share it much, but I truly appreciate that you are in my life.

D – I don’t get to talk to you often enough, but when I do, you always lift the spirits.  I know that life gets in the way sometimes, that things happen and we all get extremely busy, but I do think of you, often.  Consider me your quiet cheerleader.  Rooting for you every step of the way.  Whether we stay in contact or not, I am truly grateful to have had you in my life.  I hope that we can continue to build on our relationship.

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The reason why I never make my bed

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I rarely make my bed.  If company is coming over, I still may or may not make my bed.  It depends on who the company is and whether they already know about this odd quirk that I have.  You see, Sleep and I are not very good friends in general.  Most of you know that I deal with nightmares on a fairly regular basis.  I’ll make my bed when the sheets and blankets are freshly washed.  But here’s what’s amusing.  The first thing I typically do when I climb into a freshly made bed, is unmake it.  I love the smell and feel of freshly laundered bed linens, but I’m one of those people who tosses and turns.  Hard to toss and turn freely when you’ve been tightly tucked in.  I also tend to like to let my feet stick out – or legs, or arms.. sometimes I will lay sideways, other times I’m spread eagle all the way across the bed.  Sometimes I like to hide under the covers and pretend like I’m not there; and other times, I lay on top of the covers and forgo them altogether.

 

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I realize it’s strange, but to me, a messed up bed is FAR more comfortable.  I can mush the blankets up and around my face, or tuck them in-between my legs.  When I was sharing a bed with someone else, I always had the bed set up where I have my own blanket, and the other person does too.  And then a blanket over the top to hide the fact that there are essentially his and her blankets happening under the covers.  🙂  It worked, because I knew that my need to be weird with my blankets and sheets wouldn’t necessarily be something that someone else would accept.  Now that I’m not sharing a bed with someone else, I’ll admit, my odd sleeping habits have increased.  But I’m ok with that.  So long as my friends and loved ones who do pop over and occasionally see my unmade bed understand.  It’s not laziness.  It’s not being a slob, hey the rest of my room is clean, it’s a new way of thinking about something that traditionally was handled in a certain way.  Funny, in the kitchen, I can rival Martha Stewart…but house work… meh.

ImageWho am I kidding… I guess I’m just weird.  🙂 Happy Thursday everyone.

 

Must. Stay. Awake…

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My first meeting of the day starts in 10 minutes.  I’m dragging today.  Stayed up too late last night, I attended a networking event and then drove a friend home who lives kinda far away, and then got up too early this morning.  4 hours of sleep is just not enough for me.  I need to get the rest of my packing done.  The goal is to get completely out of the house by this weekend.  Not sure that we’ll pull it off, but I’m damn well going to try.  I have a doctor’s appointment tonight after work, and then I’ll go and continue the packing and sorting.  Sigh.  Is it over yet?  Am I moved in yet? 

I have absolutely no energy or desire to work today.  I’m just flat out exhausted.  That’s a bit unusual for me, as I love my job and the work I do and the team I am on.  It’s incredibly complex and challenging and keeps me on my toes.  I have yet to be bored here.  BUT – that said – today, all I’d rather be doing is napping and packing. 

Think I could get away with crawling under my desk and falling asleep? 🙂  Happy Midweek to everyone! 

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The making of a home…and memories

ImagePacking and moving.  I’ve spent the last week slowly making my way through 10 years worth of memories and stuff.  It’s been a great week.  The amount of stuff being donated or tossed is crazy, but in a good way.  It feels good to lighten the load and downsize.  I’m only bringing things into the new house that I actually use and want.  And today, my parents came and saw the new place.  I haven’t felt so nervous about a home in a while.  Would they like it?  Would they approve?  Or would this be a reason to question all that I’ve been doing with my life over the last year and a half?  They loved it.  They hung out for a while.  My mom ran around with my son, taking pictures so she could share with the grandparents.  My step dad made a joke about the front door that will now become a prank to be sure.  We talked about all my stuff.  You see, in my current house, I have 2 dining rooms.  I have 2 living rooms… a large kitchen… a library, a guest room and 2 kids bedrooms… plus mine and the bros rooms.  PLUS the garage.  It’s a LOT.  The ex took a lot when he moved, still has a lot here tho.  I’ve given away a ton.  I’m excited for the new place.  It’s a fresh start for me.  The house is .. well.. perfect for me.  It’s not too big.  It’s quiet and peaceful..the bro has his own space..away from everyone else’s while he figures out getting on his feet again.  I can even picture what I’d do with that space when he does move forward again. 

I had a moment yesterday.  I had some running around to do prior to going to my best friend’s birthday bash.  I decided to take some things to the new house and shower over there.  Be the first to shower in the new house…hehe, I know – I’m a dork.  I was there by myself, as everyone else was still at the old house packing up a van to bring it over.  I had an aria in my head, no clue how it got there, and found myself singing in my bathroom as I unpacked my bag.  I noticed the acoustics were WAY better than my old bathroom and it got me curious.  Imagine if you will, me, singing at the top of my lungs – which let me tell you – I can seriously belt it – walking through each room of my new house.  Embracing happiness, dancing to my own music… trying out different things with different room acoustics and singing like I haven’t in a long while.  I was having a BALL.  Then it dawned on me that any minute the van would pull up and I decided to cut the solo concert short.  😀  But all in all, it was good. 

ImageYou see, I have 2 ways of singing.  The singing I do “for fun” where I sound every day and normal and I’m just messing around…and the singing that comes from some place a little deeper.  I trained professionally for about 6 years or so.  Performed in a few musicals, many recitals and concerts, did a few football games things like that.  That’s when my vibrato comes out… that’s when I journey to some place else.  It’s fun.  But I’m shy to share it with others.  Well – I am and i’m not.  I’ll do it in karaoke occasionally.  They’re strangers.  But letting people I know hear me?  Meh… that’s nerve wracking.  It means so much to me.  I’ve lost so much just in the years I’ve stopped training.  My kids have heard it, Kristen has heard it, My bro, my ex’s.  My parents and grandparents.  Well – some of them, not all.  It takes a lot to earn that trust.  lol. 

Funnily enough, my real father has heard me sing.  I invited him once to a recital.  A bit more intimate.  I painstakingly chose the songs I wanted to sing.  My teacher’s had requirements I had to fit within.  I was allowed 3 songs.  No contemporary music was allowed. This would be the moment…the moment I’d show that man that his daughter was someone to be proud of.  I could sing and I wanted to wow the hell out of him.  I wanted to choose songs to explain how I felt.  As bad as it may seem, I wanted to make him cry.  I chose “Cry me a River” (Jazz), Wishing you were somehow here again (Phantom of the Opera), and a french aria that was about a woman who grew up and realized that she was a powerful amazing strong woman – despite her father.  hehe.   There were about 5-6 of us performing that night.  In a cozy little church.  In between songs, we’d sit with our families.  My dad showed up late and sat a few rows behind my parents and I.  I remember my mom passed me a note on one of the pieces of paper from the pews saying to not worry and to just BELT it.  she knew that was where my music ability shined the brightest.  I think she knew how important this moment was to me.  I got up there and sang..and sang..and SANG.  Each song was better than the first, because each time I got up there I had more conviction…and less butterflies.  My dad was in tears when it was done.  I felt like I was flying.  🙂

Running through my new house singing…made me realize just how much I want to make sure to make it a home.  I left thinking of decor ideas and all sorts of things.  And tonight, I spent a ton of time researching and getting inspiration on pinterest.  And I’ve come to kind of an interesting conclusion.  A happy one of course.  I went about building my home backwards.  And I’m so pleased I did.  I focused on me, my kids, my family and friends first.  Building those relationships to be strong and true at their core.  Spending time with them, quality time, not just superficial garbage.  We have tons of photos, paintings, quotes and sayings…things that mean something to us…those are going to go up.  This is going to be the coolest place ever – because it’s not the decor, or the material stuff that makes a house a home… it’s the people and the love in it. 

Goodnight never-land.  XXO

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