It’s almost 2:30 am. I’m still wide awake – and, if I’m honest, still a little tipsy from a night of fun with my brother and my best friend. It was a … unique.. kind of night. It started with an amazing dinner and advice of quite serious nature, with a stop over at a bar with laughter and ended on my front porch in a very different kind of discussion, one that I hadn’t anticipated entirely, but wondered if it would come. All in all – I’d sum it up as truly an amazing night. One where I learned and grew exponentially from where I started this morning.
I haven’t been honest with my brother, at least not entirely, in 3 years. For many reasons – that were all perfectly justified. It wasn’t that I was lying – I just stopped allowing him into my inner circle of trust, and we hadn’t really talked about it, even though we both knew it had happened and when. Tonight – the gates came open. And it wasn’t bad. I was honest and let him into my inner circle again. It was scary and left me feeling incredibly vulnerable – and the timing of it all was definitely not the best. But the judgement and dismissal I thought I’d face didn’t come. Instead I was met with complete support and love and care – mixed with some sage brotherly advice to move cautiously and take my time and heal. It was not what I expected – but definitely what I needed to hear. After that, we talked about all sorts of stuff we hadn’t talked about in years and some new topics we’d never discussed previously. I suddenly feel grateful to have such amazing support in my life. We may not always agree on everything -actually – we don’t agree on many things quite often, but he supports me completely and trusts in my judgements and decisions and has my back in it… and I cannot fully describe how much I appreciate him for it.
With age comes wisdom. This phrase has been in my head tonight. I don’t think I’m wise. I don’t think my brother is wise – well – ok maybe sometimes. But I DO think that I’m getting smarter as I get older. I’m starting to really understand what I want and need to prioritize in my life. I want to really focus on finding my own happiness and my own well being. I want to become a better person (not that I’m a bad one – just that I want to keep improving that and adding to that). I want to keep learning and growing and improving who I am and what I bring to the lives of others around me.
I’m so grateful tonight. For my brother and for my best friend. Such amazing men who’ve come to teach me so much. They push me to better myself – but not for them – for ME. They love me whether I grow or not. And that truly means so much. I didn’t get the greatest examples of love growing up – and I’m coming to realize I haven’t seen it much as an adult either – but there ARE a few in my life who show it to me when I really need it. I think BECAUSE I haven’t always had the greatest examples – it means they mean just that much more to me. They help me look at the world from different perspectives and remind me to push myself to be the best version of myself. They remind me of what I’m capable of and never let me forget my own worth. I love them both more than they’ll ever really know.
I’m seriously dedicated to giving myself a year to find better balance in my life and to get a clear head and focus on my goals. I’m excited about it. It’s going to be a lot of work – but it’s also going to be a lot of fun – and for the first time .. in I don’t even know how long – I feel good. I feel hope. I feel .. patient. Anyone who knows me – would laugh their ass off at that statement. I am NOT known for my patience. But that’s how I feel right now. I’m not in any rush – for anything. I’m just enjoying each and every single moment – in the moment. Life is happening – and it’s going to do what it’s going to do and I’m not going to stress about it. Instead – I’m going to work on me – bettering myself, learning, practicing, and keeping on keeping on.