I’m not even sure if I will be brave enough to post this. But I need to let it out somewhere all the same. I’m so ashamed. So hurt. My whole world has come crashing down in the course of just 36 hours. It started with a message from someone I didn’t know. She was reaching out because I seemed sweet, and she felt I deserved to know the truth.
My husband was cheating on me. And she had proof.
From there, it was a fall down the rabbit hole. And I’m beyond devastated. I rather stupidly thought I’d be capable of going to work today. I think I made it about 15 minutes before I broke down into gut wrenching sobs and just lost it. I’m grateful for the couple of coworkers who were there to offer comfort and consoling as I poured my heart out and recounted the past 18 hours.
So many lies. So much that I didn’t know. Stuff that I don’t fully know how to wrap my head around. And I am truly trying to. And now, this evening, after a day of struggling to even clear my head from the dark clouds that have taken over, he shared that he was frustrated because he’d said he was sorry and he’s done a bunch of what I’d asked for in order for me to feel more comfortable and yet I was still upset. Well excuse ME! Just because I was calm and quiet for the first 5 hours of me learning everything doesn’t mean the storm wasn’t going to come. I have never lied to him. I’ve never been unfaithful or disrespectful. I’ve never done anything to deserve all that has been laid at my feet in the past couple days. I’ve been a good wife. A good person.
I wasn’t angry when I found out…. a few small outbursts in that first hour or so, but overall – I just haven’t been angry. I’ve experienced shock, hurt, shame, disappointment, and now… after learning that he’s frustrated with me, I am now Furious!
Are you kidding me right now?!
He’s seen me suffering all day – came home from work early…crying, talking to my counselor…crying. I went to bed after saying something along the lines of “You cannot tell me that you love me, if you did, this wouldn’t have been going on since the beginning. You don’t love me.” You know what his response was? “Not the whole time!” and then he went silent for a good 5 minutes or so. This upset me and is when he shared his frustration. I had to clarify with him to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood his meaning, to which he confirmed that he had said he was sorry – what more did I want?
And he didn’t even finish doing the things we’d agreed to do to help me feel comfortable. He’s working on it – but his progress is slower than it should be for someone who says they’re going to work on things. I got out of bed after I handed him my wedding ring.
And now I’m sitting on my couch in the dark. Writing this with music playing softly. The dog is snoring in her crate.
There are no more tears. I know what I’m worth… and this is not it.
Sometimes people make hurtful decisions. Even I have, despite a life of piety from childhood. So many people have looked to me for guidance. Trust in their eyes, my ordination is their solace.
But even I have been impure. Those I help will never know the details of my transgressions. When I try to guide people, sometimes the answer seems simple to me, and I find myself thinking the words your husband said. “What more do you want?”
It took too many years for me to realize “What more do you want?” Was not directed toward the people. It was me asking myself. What more did I want?
Like your husband, I needed perspective. I needed to reflect on that question. Because not answering it could hurt someone. Not knowing what I wanted was hurting the people who needed my help.
In your husband’s case, not knowing what he wants is hurting you.
Ask him. This is where the proud resolution of a woman comes into play. The stalwart feminine spirit. You’ll need to stay calm, and remember that this isn’t a criticism of him.
It is a hard question for a man to answer…”What do you want.” It may take him days to answer. You may have to remind him to make a list. And even worse, you’ll have to stay calm through the process, but one of two things will happen.
1. He will tell you. If it is honest or not, is irrelevant. We can still learn something from the answer.
2. He won’t tell you, because he doesn’t know. Which…is a problem. Not just for him, but for everything he attempts in life. (I know from personal experience.)
I’m more than happy to speak to you or your husband. Or just listen, anytime you wish.
I don’t even know what to say. (((HUGS)))
How in the world can he even try to apologize? Seriously? You are so much better than that, He has no idea what a wonderful giving and loving person you really are. If he did, this would have never crossed him little mind. Not sure what you are deciding to do, but I will back you no matter what. If you want to try, counselling is the only option, and him moving out on his own. Auntie Loves you!
I hope you’ve found your way . ❤️
I love you. Truly and unconditionally. I wonder how and why it is these words found me now but I’m certain that I understand why you never voiced them to me. It’s a slippery slope and so confusing when you’re going through so much pain, to be so confused and to wonder who you can open up to and to trust that if you open up, they will be a listening ear, and not a running mouth. You don’t ever want to hear I told you so. I know how that feels. I will never judge. I will be there to listen to your pain. To love you and be there for you in your toughest of times. Wondering who to trust to divulge your secrets to and not be judged… to not feel more alone. I know behind the mask there is real pain. It takes courage to voice it. I’m sorry you weathered this alone. I’ve always trusted you with my secrets. I’m here if you wish to do the same.
I love you to pieces.
But… who are you?
Thank you. Love you too Lady! Thanks for being one of my tribe!