Tonight I got an odd lesson in where I learned to embrace my inner strength.  I always attributed it to my grandparents and mom.  It’s interesting, as an adult, how we see things differently than we did as a kid.  Tonight, I called my dad and went over there tonight with the kids.  We had a good time.  He kept pouring the wine and pestering me about what was up with me.  I finally broke down in tears.  Shared all that’s been weighing on me.  Dad doesn’t like tears.  His wife hugged me while I got the reaming I didn’t know I needed from my father.  He told me to put my walls back up, embrace my strength.  Stop worrying about pleasing every body else in my life and focus simply on me and my kids.

To let no one into my walls unless they have earned it and truly deserve it.  He’s taken the stance that his life is his castle – he’ll defend it to the death and protect and care for what is truly his. Everything and everyone else – they are on the outside of his castle (myself included) and unless they come to him, he won’t bother about them and that I need to do the same.  Told me to tell other people to shove it and to just work and be happy in my castle.  He says it’s what I do, what I’ve always done.  Do it and quit being a coward.  He also said how he’s never worried about me.  In all that I’ve gone through, he’s never worried that I wouldn’t pull through.  I’d get lost and he knew I’d find my way.  That I was smart and quick on my toes as far as thinking things through and stubborn enough to pull anything off.  My dad can be very blunt.  🙂  As a child, I hated his lectures and rants, but as an adult, I recognize when I need them.

Poor T called in the middle of my dad’s lecture and in my wine induced loose tongue, I invited him to come join us with Dad.  He showed up with roses and snickerdoodle cookies (I know – he’s a keeper that one.  A man who’s brought me both steak, and now cookies).  We all ate dinner and enjoyed good home cooking, played with the kids, teased each other, and caught up.  I played a prank on my brother for him to find when he got home. I’m grateful to have spent the evening feeling relaxed, happy and in a better place with family that I love.  It was nice for T to see it too.  As messed up as we all are, my family is my family.  I love them.  I love spending time with them when we all can.  I loved having him there to share that with me.

Tomorrow, I will go to work.  I will do as Dad said (to some degree).  Going to put up my walls and just enjoy doing what I love doing.  Design.  I’m going to focus on the happy things in my life.  I’m going to follow my heart and do the things that will improve my life moving forward, rather than slow it up or hinder it.