The anger I’m feeling right now, the injustice of the way our world works is so strong.  I feel like I could spew a lot of hate right now.  Need to get myself under control for the work day, so I figured i’d spew some of it here.

Medical Bills.  Credit.  God just those words almost make me see red.

I’m in a lot of debt.  I’m not irresponsible.  I have no credit cards.  I pay everything with cash.  If I don’t have the funds, I don’t buy.  Simple as that.  So why am I in debt you ask?  Ben.  I had “good” insurance.  They covered 80%.  I thought, like many americans, hey I have a good job, good insurance, my son is sick, but we’ll figure it out.  The last time I looked at the total I owe for Ben’s bills, it was in the 250K mark.  Think about that.   If my insurance paid 80% of the bills.. and MY costs are 250K…. just let that simmer for a second.

Now .. if Ben had made it.  I probably would feel differently about the debt.  But it was the constant mistakes the hospital made that make my blood boil.  They made mistakes with me, and with him.  Massive ones.  Unforgiveable ones.  I should have hired a lawyer.  I should have fought.  I didn’t want money, as no amount of money would give me my son back.  I just wanted the bills to go away.  But I was so focused, after he passed, on learning how to breathe again, that I didn’t fight it.  And now, with statues of limitations, I can’t.  So the debt stays.  I’ve job hopped, house hopped.  Side benefit from that is that the garnishments couldn’t catch up to me.  Until recently.

So now … I’m being garnished to pay a debt to a hospital who I trusted to save my child.  I get to pay for the ambulance that ran out of oxygen on the way to another hospital – and no one in the ambulance caught it.  My child was without oxygen for more than a few minutes.  I get to pay for a nurse who thought it was smart to remove my stitches the day after my C-section.  Which of course, prompted my C-section to rip back open.  They then put me on a wound vac to try and get the wound to close.  The wound vac caused more damage than good.  I get to pay for a doctor who ordered morphine for me during labor, even tho it stated in my chart that I was allergic. And then get to pay for all the staff who helped keep me from having a stroke afterwards. I get to pay for a doctor who didn’t think to look at the 18 medications they had pumping into my son and think – gee – these meds might cause him to get blocked up.  We should add something to make sure he doesnt’.  That was his cause of death by the way.  A blockage in his bowels.  He’d had a brain surgery, a feeding tube inserted into his stomach.  Fought pneumonia.  Won through all of that – but he couldn’t beat the stupidity of those doctors.  They refused to do a 3rd surgery on him.  Said that with the oxygen deprivation from the ambulance that there was a chance he was severely damaged anyway.  No amount of me screaming “I don’t care! Fix my SON!!” would change it.

Anger, grief, disbelief… funny how most of the time I’m ok. But this morning, discovering that 2K was garnished from my paycheck brought it all back.  And this ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I looked into a lawyer after he passed away.  Briefly.  They explained that I couldn’t just go after the hospital.  It doesn’t work like that.  I’d have to sue the ambulance, the hospital, the doctor and the nurse all separately.  4 cases.  4 times in front of a judge.  4 judgements.  What absolute BULLSHIT.  I didn’t want to go through that.  Didn’t want some stranger of a judge to pick apart the time I had with my son.  He/she wasn’t there.  The idea that I could lose and then have to cover lawyer costs on top of it all, plus having to relive it all 4 times?!  No thanks.  I chickened out.  Should have found the strength.  Somehow.

I think the other piece that makes me angry is that they are only going after me.  Somehow, the ex is in the clear.  What the hell?!  It takes 2 to tango. We were married.  Community property should also be community debt.  Yea ok, he makes shit for wages, but he’s still responsible too.  Why is it that only I have to figure this out?

I have a few options.  Going to talk to a lawyer.  Fight it if I can, claim bankruptcy again (did so 10 years ago after my first divorce), move out of country? lol.  I have no desire to move out of country right now.  I want so desperately to lay down some roots.  But for what?  Don’t want to lay roots down if they’re just going to get ripped up by some stupid creditor.  Sigh.  Can I just go back to bed?