Yesterday, I drove my best friend to the airport. He’d come to visit from Australia for 2 weeks, despite being told that now really wasn’t a good time for me. I think he wanted to try and shake some sense into me. At least, that was likely the original plan. It didn’t happen tho. What DID happen was a whole bunch of dramatic BS that I won’t detail here. Suffice it to say, I was glad to have my house back where I could find solace in my every day routine. Yesterday, I felt a simple sense of relief. The weight of additional drama and stress had been lifted.
This morning, a great sense of sadness hit me. For a multitude of reasons. He’d left a note saying goodbye for my daughter. But none for me. Yesterday, I’m not sure I’d have wanted to find a note. But today, it hit me that the man I’ve turned to for 14 years for friendship, laughs, and comfort, was once again on the other side of the planet from me. I’d had him here for 2 weeks. And rather than find enjoyment from it, I found only stress. I didn’t mean to hurt him. That was probably the last thing I’d have ever wanted to do to this man. But maybe the last few weeks happened the way they did in order to show me something new.
I’ve gone through a lot since January of this year. Separation, Divorce, business travel, layoffs of my team at work, travel for pleasure, elderly family members getting sick, a small attempt at dating, a variety of health problems, a couple of car accidents, other family members needing help, the anniversary of my son’s passing … and that’s just the added stress on top of the daily stress and pressures of being a parent, having a toddler, working to pay the bills and keep life moving ahead. What I’ve learned so far this year, I’m strong. A hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I have experienced a lot of tragedy in my life. And instead of cracking under the pressure of it all, somehow, I keep pushing ahead. Somehow, it always works out.
The one constant I have through it all – is me. I’ve done it. I’ve taken it all on and still manage to smile and make people laugh. I still sing and dance around my kitchen and through my house. When it rains, I still find the time to run outside and dance in it. Life goes on; whether i’m ready for it to or not. Somehow, I’ll wake up tomorrow and I know I’ll find moments in my day when the spark of happiness will shine. And maybe, just maybe, if I’m lucky – that tiny spark of happiness will invite others and become a a firework of sparks and beauty to light up my life.
4 thoughts on “And suddenly it hit me..”
Is there a post that I can read about what happened to your son? I felt my insides just quake when I read line about the anniversary…
🙂 I will write one. I suppose it’s long overdue.
http://seattlesillysweetheart.wordpress.com/2013/12/03/nervous-today/ this one touches more of it.
Thank you. I will go read it now.