Tag: work

Just a quick post before bed

JenLeave a comment

001

It turned out to be a good week at work, and it ended on a high note with a great weekend.  I spent time with the kiddos, got caught up on a few chores, and generally just enjoyed some time at home.

Tomorrow, a new week will start.  I’m excited for it, as I made some interesting progress last week that should carry forward into these next few and the progress has me anticipating what will come around the bend.

I have my counselor appointment tomorrow.  I’m starting to see “progress”.  I put that in quotes because I don’t know that it’s progress as in moving forward just yet.  It’s more of about coming to an understanding of why I am the way I am, how I work, and what the patterns are for my behavior.  Honestly, it’s been kind of fascinating so far.  It’s also been incredibly difficult.  I didn’t expect to have to open up old wounds.  Not sure why I didn’t.  I think I thought – “Hey, I’m in a crisis mode right now, let’s Band-Aid it and move on…”  But no, it doesn’t work like that.

I read through some old journals this past week.  It was incredibly eye opening, and made me feel good about how far I’ve come.  How much I’ve changed and grown.  I’m definitely not that girl anymore, at least not in big ways.  There are still themes that come up tho.  I’m still incredibly hard on myself.  I’m still a total romantic sap who secretly pines for love notes and music and candle light. I’m still a dreamer and a lover. I crave blanket fort filled rainy days and random dances in the middle of the street.  And I need reassurance and praise when I do well or make someone happy.  In my past, I was never good at communicating those needs.  I’m not even sure I knew they were “needs”.  But I’ve worked hard on making sure I communicate better.  It’s a learning process. 🙂

I don’t fight anymore – A. Because I don’t have anyone that I need to fight with and B. What purpose does fighting serve?  Yelling … I’m sorry but I’ve certainly had my fill of it in the last 12 years.  I don’t need any more of it.  I’d rather talk it out, calmly find a solution and move on…compromising when needed.  It all balances out in the end anyway.

Here’s to a new week… to a stronger, wiser me… to sweet dreams and even brighter futures.  Goodnight neverland.

lipstick kiss

A good day

JenLeave a comment

poppies

It’s been a good day.

I’ve been productive at work, managed to get a couple of bills paid, and took care of a few things that I needed to research and handle.  I sat and enjoyed a cup of coffee, caught up on emails and opened the project I’m working on.  Inspiration coursed through me and my fingers flew over the keys as music filled the room and I just grooved.  I love days like these.

coffeee

Things have been good.  I’m working through my own fears and insecurities, I’m communicating, I’m living each day with the idea that I should do my best to embrace every moment for what it is.  It’s kind of thrilling.  I’m sure I’ll have moments when I falter or find myself afraid, but it’s lovely to see a path forward.  It’s lovely to feel happy.

Cheers to you my friends, I hope your Thursday is going as well as mine.

Trying not to lose it

Jen2 Comments

I will not cry.  I will not cry.  Oh… who am I kidding.

*Commence Bawling Session*

It has been a really tough week.  My first day back to work was Monday, and it seems the universe decided it was more than time to end my vacation.

Today I had to tell my team that I couldn’t extend their contracts past December.  These are friends, practically family.  The mood in the office was definitely somber afterwards.  I then spent the day battling war upon war trying to do all I could to save them.  Found out tonight that there is a chance, I may have done it.  I’ll find out tomorrow for sure.

But now, after a day of constant arguments, negotiations, defending, pitching… i’m absolutely wiped, and feeling VERY defeated by it all.  If this is what being in upper management is like, you can keep it.  I’m constantly having to fight for my team’s right to be there.  I hired some of the world’s leading experts to do this work, and they won’t let us get it done.

Maybe it’s a touch of the Christmas blues… but it dawned on me today how alone I feel. My little one has been sick, my daughter’s grades aren’t as great as I’d like, and then add in the work battles.  The last few days have included me covered in throw up, the couch destroyed by throw up, screaming, crying meltdowns over the smallest of things.  I’m frustrated.  This isn’t the dream I had when I pictured having a family.  Maybe it sounds bad, but I never signed up to do this by myself.  And now that I am by myself in this, I don’t feel like I could ever ask anyone to help take on the load.  It is my burden, so to speak.  And it’s lonely feeling that way.  I’m the only one who can pull myself out of rough or negative situations.  I’m the one who pulls herself up by her bootstraps and powers through, even when I don’t know how, or when I don’t feel good.  Being strong is something I’m good at.  But sometimes, I just want to be weak.

Today – I just want to go back to the beach.  My trip, my vacation, was truly the most amazing trip I’ve ever been on.  The people I met, the things I saw, the activities I did.. all of it was so relaxing, so inspiring, so epic.  I cried when it came time to go home.  I couldn’t believe I had to go and return to the monotony.  Return to the world where so much weight rests on my shoulders.  Return to a world where I feel so alone.  I couldn’t get over the idea of returning home to plan for xmas fun, knowing that a lot of it would be me doing those Christmas things alone with my kids.

Ugh.  Can I just go hide in bed, maybe build a blanket fort and watch a movie and just pretend like today didn’t happen??

Hugs and kisses Neverland.

Distracted

Jen1 Comment

daydreams

Good morning Neverland.

I’m distracted.  I should be focused on working… as there is lots going on at work these days.  But what am I doing?  I’m sitting at my desk thinking about my vacation instead.  In just 2 short weeks, I’ll be boarding a plane and heading to a tropical beach.  It just can’t come soon enough.  I know the next 2 weeks will fly by and it will be here before I know it, heck, knowing me, it will be here and I’ll scramble to get everything packed and handled right before I go.  I’ve not been this distracted before a trip before.  Not sure why this one is so different, but it is.  I can’t seem to keep my head in the game at work.  Perhaps that also can be chalked up to the layoffs we’ve gone through recently.  Everything at work has been stressful and full of change and ambiguity.  I’d rather spend the day in bed.

There is so much I’m looking forward to.  I’m looking forward to the disconnect.  That’s the joy of traveling somewhere… wi-fi and technology can be easily rendered useless depending on where you go.  And that’s what I sought when I planned out this trip months ago.

st-thomas-virgin-islands

No hotel chains for me.  I’ve rented a small cabin.  With a kitchen and a BBQ so that I can go and pick out some fresh seafood and fruits and veggies and cook.  No little ones to answer to or wake me up too early.  No roommates.  No exes.  No work.

The ex is furious that I’m going on this trip.  And part of me can understand and part of me says F that!  Screw you! 🙂

He’s upset because we never traveled.  We couldn’t afford it.  For 3/4 of our marriage, we were pretty poor.  We didn’t have a honeymoon.  We didn’t take vacations.  I think the most time we ever spent “away from it all” would be a long weekend at a local spot.  And that was ok.  Since ending our marriage, I’ve taken quite a few trips.  6 to be exact, in varying lengths and distances from home.  I love to travel.  I get it from my grandparents.  They took me to England when I was 10 for a LONG trip.  They traveled once, sometimes twice a year.  They’d do cruises and different trips.  Australia, Japan, Europe… They’d come home and show me pictures and tell me stories of the things they experienced and the people they’d met.  I knew when I was young, that I would embrace travel.  I just never had the funds to do it.

He’s also upset because the week I’m gone, the responsibility of our children falls on him.  Last year, when I went to Hawaii, I had to pay him to watch our kids.  I knew it was ridiculous, that by all rights, I shouldn’t have to pay the children’s father to watch them… but I wanted to go, and that was my only option at the time, so I bit the bullet and forked over the cash.  I refused to do that this time, and I think he’s a little upset.  Oh well man!  Suck it up!  🙂

Travelling has opened my eyes.  I’ve seen and done a few things that I never thought I’d get to do.  I’ve met people who will always have a place in my heart, because of what they’ve shared with me.  And although I’m not necessarily a fan of sitting for long hours on a plane… I can’t wait to do it again soon, because it means I’ll have a new slough of experiences and people to add to the memory banks.

Hope you all are having a great week.

JETBLUE TURNS FIVE; TAKES DELIVERY OF 71ST AIRBUS A320

Ahh… friends…

Jen1 Comment

friends2

I wasn’t feeling 100 percent when I went to work this morning, but I’ve gotten used to that in the last couple of weeks as I’ve been getting over this annoying bout of pneumonia.  I ended up leaving early and coming to work from home, as the fever decided to catch back up with me and I was burning up the office.  Suffice it to say, I wasn’t in the best of moods when I left work.  I hate getting sick.  I just want to do what I normally do, and no matter how much I tried to “power through” this… it’s not letting me.  So of course, I posted a whiney comment on my facebook.  And in true fashion, as they always do, my friends rallied around me.  Both with a mix of taunting and sarcasm and caring and sweetness.  Which I’ll admit – is the PERFECT combination to make me actually do something.  So what did I do?  I posted some lovely sarcastic wit back at them, stuck my tongue out at them, and then called my doctor. 🙂  I’ll be DAMNED tho if they are gonna make me take some weird funny essential oil cures or heaven forbid – drink water! ACK!  😀  hehe.  But I love them.

Good friends.  Where would I be without them?  Lost, for sure.  They kick me in the ass when I need it.  They motivate and inspire me when I need it.  They bring me chocolate, wine, silly stupid movies to watch and Kleenex when I need it.  They let me spoil them rotten and love them in my way.  I made a friend a little present today.  She needed some cheering up and I knew a quick sketch would do the trick.

jes

Had her laughing and happy again.  Something that took me 10 minutes to do, and I made her day.  I love that!  It’s a total inside joke – which made it even better.  (yes – that’s her in the sketch).  Sorry J – if you read this – I couldn’t help but post it here.  But the joke will stay between us, I promise.  🙂  Now – of course she’s having it made into a t-shirt which is just even funnier.  Funny how my friends are sometimes just as close to me as my family.  I’d give them the world if they asked.  (so long as they share in the glory of being ruler of that world dang it).

Well folks – I’m off to go get the kiddos to bed, then cause a bit more trouble.  🙂  Goodnight Neverland!

minion